When you have to dig deeper than you ever have before.

I have had my faith and hope tested so many times, that I am unfortunately becoming familiar with that life.

Every ray of hope I have has to fight like hell to reach my eyes, and for my soul to hold onto it.

For some reason...well, for many reasons, I have not been able to pull out of this hell.

I keep working, trying, hoping, struggling. I pour my entire self and my soul into my photography.

I keep applying for jobs...and those pleas for work fall on deaf ears. My talents and ability are going to waste, and the people who could have had me working with them are missing out.

I know my abilities. I know my capabilities. They are worth having.

What sometimes drags me back, and what I try hard (too damned hard) to fight are the feelings of envy I have for many that I have come to know over the years.

Many of my friends faced the same hardships. Cheating spouses, divorce, hard times.

But every one of them has moved on. They've got a new start, a new life, a new love, a new job, a new home.

It's like standing here stuck in a block of ice, or with a weight tied to both feet. I haven't moved at all. I am staring at the same four walls I did 2 years ago. On Feb 14th, I will have been here in my father's empty house, for 2 solid years. The boxes that we moved out of my townhouse when I lost my last job, are still sitting where they where when the movers placed them there.

It is life on hold.

Endless hold.

I get up every day, and nothing ever changes.

I keep hoping.

I keep waiting.

I keep trying.

Now I am digging down deeper than I ever have before.

I am facing a court hearing on Monday. My attorney will not return any calls. I have no idea what is coming. And from someone who has been dealt many crushing surprises, I hate them with a passion.

The worst thing this lawyer could have done was this. Ignore his own client, and leave it to complete surprise, with no reassurances, no planning, no discussion.

My life of the last 10-12 years has been one of almost constant upheaval. Incredible stress. Betrayals and losses and back stabbing and disappointments. Financial ruin.

I have things I need and want to do. I want to get out of this place. Be with the one I love, who is so very far away. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. A pension to collect in 2013, for one thing.

But it is a long way to go to get there.

And it's fucking dark in here.

Living is dying.

Living is dying.

When we are young we see endless opportunity, we dream of being special. We are going to be astronauts, or scientists, or maybe even president.

Maybe by junior high or sooner we start to see that fall apart.

We see kids treating others with cruelty.

We see people who are badly handicapped.

As we age, we get to see those we love, die.

We get to learn words like "cancer", "heart disease" or "Auto accident".

And then they are gone.

We get to learn about corruption and crime, about violence and prejudice, about poverty and horrible illnesses.

Life is not this wonderous journey filled with flowers and butterflies.

It is a journey of learning to live with crushing pain. Loss. Betrayal. Death.

We only get to enjoy those butterflies and flowers by knowing the pain.

We can't really appreciate them without it.

Life is a scale we teter on. On one side is the beauty, the hugs, the laughs, the loves.

On the other side is the ache, the pain, the loss, the tears, the broken heart.

And that is the glory of being human.

We know we are here but for a short time. We are blessed with the ability to feel and empathize and hurt, and to help those we love.

We know we will die someday.

That the journey is going to hurt. A lot.

And maybe through that pain, we can find and appreciate that which we otherwise would take for granted.

You only get one shot at a sunrise. You best watch the next one. Because the day after that? You may not be here to see another.

I've lost friends, loved ones, and my own mother. I've seen them all pass on. I've watched them die. I've lost a lot, but others have lost even more.

Tomorrow, I will find a bird, or a flower, or a plant, or a gorgeous sunrise, and I will take it all in.

Life is about pain and suffering.

And that is the price we pay for joy.

Trial by fire.

Well, all of my money is gone.

No more unemployment.

No job.

Because I have an alcohol addiction, in a few days I will get to go through withdrawl. This will be the second time. The first was in October, when I nearly froze to death at the cabin.

I should have learned then. I made it 25 days. Then I drank again.

I also smoke. Because of 35 years of doing that, I now have COPD. I can't imagine having to go cold turkey on both alcohol and cigarettes at the same time, but that is what I am facing.

In all these years. The last six at least....

Nobody came to my aid.

My ex who divorced me....

My former coworkers...

Nobody.

They all let me fucking rot and die here.

With all the talent, experience and ability I have, nobody stood up for me. Not one person went the extra mile to help.

So, when I lost my last job, 2 years ago, I moved back in with my father.

All of my shit still lies in boxes here. A life totally destroyed. On hold. No place to go. No home.
No job. No money. Nothing left at all.

And still, I get calls from my ex and kids..."Can you help..."

No, I can't help.

See, the last few years, I needed your help. I needed REAL help.

I needed people who would reach out to me, help me, maybe cook me a dinner, or help me find work.

When all was said and done.

I was alone.

I gave my entire life to a marriage and to raise children.

I worked for 30 years.

Drove over 1 million miles commuting.

Risked my life.

Gave all I had.

And when it counted...

I was left here to rot and die.

I would have given anything for my family. I would have sacrificed anything at all.

But when it came down to me.

They let me go.

So.

I am gone.

I am leaving you all behind.

I am moving on to a new life. I will do as I please.

But you?

You are on your own.

This is my goodbye. No, I am not dying. I am moving on.

This is life number 2.

And it starts today.

Life's Hardest Moments.

Someone posted the most amazing moments in life. In response,
I would like to post the hardest moments in life.

Finding out your mother has died.
Having you children sexually abused by their grandparents.
Having your daughter raped and assaulted by a boyfriend.
Watching your father go through open heart surgery.
Watching your friends die from cancer and disease.
Losing a career that spanned 30 years.
Going bankrupt.
Being cheated on, betrayed, lied to and tossed into the street by
the woman who swore to love you forever.
Being backstabbed by coworkers.
Losing your home and the place you built for your family.
Losing all of your worldly possessions, and every dime you ever had.
Having shotguns pointed at your head for "your own safety".
Being dragged from your own home by police.
Having friends abandon you when you needed them most.
Being told you are worthless, and who would ever want you?

All of these. Are my life.

But here I stand. I have hope for a bright future with a wonderful woman who I adore. I have yet to meet her.

But she held my hand through the worst of it. Always there for me.

That is what it takes. To overcome hell.

Love.

Ok, what it's all about.

I was betrayed. Lied to. Cheated on. Utterly destroyed.

I fell in love again, and I learned a lot. I also lost a lot.

Life is very fucking simple.

If you are not loved and cherished, you wither and die.

You can amuse yourself with hobbies, work and other pursuits.

But at the end of the day, if you are alone and unloved you have fucking nothing.

There is no amount of money on this earth that could make me happy.

It takes a hug and loving arms to do that.

That is all I want. All I need.

Anything else is the bonus round.

Finding God.

On a cold and hellish night in October, I sat at the computer in the cabin. Freezing from the cold, no space heater could get my body temperature to where it needed to be. It was 29 degrees outside. It was 29 degrees inside.

I was also suffering from withdrawal from alcohol. I shivered. I shook. I heaved.

I went to the bedroom and wrapped myself in a comforter and blankets. I was shivering. Shaking. I was convulsing. I could not stop the involuntary muscle contractions that my withdrawal was causing. I could not stop from being so cold.

With the very last bit of consciousness I had, I dialed 911.

I told them where I was. Deep in the woods, in the wilderness.
That I was suffering from hypotermia.

To please come get me.

40 minutes later, an ambulance was there. They took me on a ride. Put warming blankets on me. Took my vital signs. Gave me IV fluids.

It was a 45 minute ride.

I was heading up Route 17, in the dark. From Hancock NY to Binghamton.

A town that had just a month before had been devastated with floods.

The backed me into the hospital ER loading dock. They wheeled me in.

"I have no insurance" I told them.

The wheeled me to a room, in the ER.

The doctors monitored my vital signs, my levels. For many hours.

They informed me they had no detox unit anymore, that it was closed a year ago.

So, they let me sit there.

And go through the rest of it. Alone.

So I heaved, convulsed, shook and fucking died.

For hours.

My vital signs were good.

So, they gave me an Ativan.

Let me try to rest for a bit.

Then at 3AM, said they are discharging me.

"Do you have any way of getting home"

Uh, no.

I rode here from a mountain cabin for 40 miles in an ambulance. It is is now 3AM

"You can stay in our waiting area if you want" they told me.

So I did. For almost 2 hours.

There was a storm coming. A huge snowstorm. The were warning everyone to prepare for over a foot of snow. Starting this very morning.

My 2 dogs, and the last of the things I had, were still at the cabin.

So, I hired a cab.

To drive me in the pitch black. Back to the cabin. I was fortunate to have my wallet and cash, It cost me over 100 dollars.

Still shaking from the DT's, I arrived an hour before sunrise.

I got inside, packed the last of my things.

Waited for the beginning of daylight, because one of my headlights was out.

It was still 29 degrees in there. I kept moving. Kept active. Did all I could.

I got the car packed, somehow. I got the dogs in the back seat.

I got into the car. Praying to God to let me make it home.

With no sleep. Up for over 30 hours. After hours and hours of pure hell. Going through detox, with no aid.

I got behind the wheel.

And drove the 245 miles home.

Safe and sound. Calm and alert.

That is when God was there.

And that is when my faith returned.

I never would have made it. Without Him.

In a few hours, the storm came. And dumped 15 inches of snow at the cabin.

I would have died there.

Were it not for God. And a couple of His angels.

For the record. The hospital I was sent to, was the very same place my mother was born in, 85 years ago. She rode with me to the hospital. Even though she is gone almost 3 years now.

My Dream

In less than 20 months, I get a very nice pension from my former employer.

What will I do with that money?

Well, first off, 40 percent or so will go to my ex wife. She is hurting now, with serious medical issues. It will help her to have a life, a place to live and medical care.

The rest will go to the cabin property, and God willing, the property next door. I will preserve the cabin and land for my children and my brother's children.

I will hire someone to cut some paths through the spacious property (close to 20 acres, with a pond, swamp, woods and lakefront), for nature observation.

I will put out feeders, plant flowers and plants to attract birds and butterflies, and have a garden to grow crops and food for us who live there.

I will put out pathway lights, so we can search for the incredible moths who inhabit the dark, and the forest.

The Deer, Racoons, Black Bear and others will call this home. There will be food enough for the Herons, the songbirds, the migrants. Those just passing through.

And those of us, in our family, lucky enough to spend time there, will get to see it all.

We won't be spending our time on Jet Skis and power boats. We'll be savoring the wonder of nature. On our own private preserve. Our own refuge.

That is my dream.

I want to make that my reality.

I have 19 months to go.

Then.

It becomes real.