Feeling the pain.

Lately, I have been giving it my all.

Applying to job openings in IT. 25 more applications now in the last month alone. Any responses? Nope. Any interest? Nope.

I have had it. Totally.

I am 52 years old. I have more ability, intelligence, talent and capability than any 3 rookies they hire to do the job.

But that doesn't matter.

I have no degree. I am old. And I am totally and completely unwanted by corporate America.

Fed up.

Yep, I am feeling the pain.

I have so many obligations. Lifetime alimony. My own bills. No place to live that I can call my own. Time running out here, as my father needs to sell this house.

The pressure is overwhelming. The stress, over the top.

So, what do I do?

I talk to my mom. She passed almost 2 years ago now.

And what does she tell me?

She says "I believe in you. Follow your dreams".

I love you mom.

And I will. And I am.

Until I die.

When I can see you again.

My dreams..

Wind chimes that I have collected for years, now sitting in boxes, sing out in the forest.

My house is small but warm. A fire burns in the fireplace.

I look out the kitchen window to see what is happening at the pond this morning. Maybe some deer getting a drink, or just maybe, a Black Bear and cub.

The lake is just a short walk away. The sun is rising, and the fog is slowly burning off.

The bird feeders are alive with so many species. I could just sit here at the window and take photographs of all of them.

Chipmunks scurry around on the ground collecting fallen seeds.

The only sounds today are of the gentle wind rustling the leaves, the chimes, and the birds calling out in their morning exuberance.

And life is good.

I have fresh hot coffee to sip. A nice breakfast ready for the making. Maybe I will make an asparagus omelette this morning, with mushrooms and a nice cheese, and some whole grain toast, with Maple Cream.

And I will savor every moment.

In my dreams.

This is my life.

Yet to be.

And out of reach.

All Good Things...

...Come to an end.

A post to my son's Facebook page, as he lamented the end of the season of him coaching Color Guard...

And my first thought was...

"And really bad things seem to persist forever...."

Okay, I admit it.

I'm a badass.

I wasn't always.

Now I am the guy you can expect to challenge authority, speak my mind, do what I will, and accept the consequences. And never back down.

You can thank life experience for that one.

However, I still have a soft and loving heart.

They can't ever take that from me.

Right now, I fight every day to maintain the will to live, and to maintain the fight.

How I wish more would understand what this is like.

It's like hanging on to the edge of cliff and looking towards the sky hoping that you can grow a pair of wings and soar with the birds.

Balancing the effort.

I'm now spending 4-6 hours a day looking for work in my old field, or related fields. Have to find work that will allow me to live independently.

I am coordinating my photography efforts to work around the time I spend looking for work. So, if I have a nice forecast, I will spend a morning out in the field, but the afternoon on the job boards or searching out leads.

Wish me luck.

I need it.

My Life's Lessons

I've walked this planet for over 50 years now.

It feels at times like I have been here forever.

If feels at times like I just arrived.

What have I learned?

I've learned that joy is fleeting.

That love is temporary and conditional.

That friends are more precious than gold.

That some friends were never friends at all.

That a job is just a job. Unless it is doing what you love.

That a house is just a building. But it can be a sanctuary if you make it so.

That deserve has nothing to do with it.

That raising children is the most rewarding and hardest thing you can ever do. Because they are your blood. And what happens to them, happens to you. My dreams for them will never die.

That we are in most cases in this life powerless. The only power we have is what we will do, what we will feel, and the love and benevolence we share with those we care about.

The rest of the world, employers, businesses, governments, do not care if we live or die.

I've learned that you do not give your soul and your heart to a corporation. That your best work is not what you can do for some heartless and soulless company. Save that for what you love. Pour yourself into what you love, and you will be rewarded. Not in riches but in filling your heart.

I've learned that marriage is not about a partnership. It's about a legal document that turns your life over to the courts and lawyers when it ends. Don't ever marry. If you love someone, live with them and love them. But don't turn your life over to the fucking government.

For they are as corrupt and without a heart as anything that exists.

What I have learned of politics in America....

There is no discernible difference in party or in the candidates. A long time ago a group of brilliant and inspired people conceived of a government that was of, by and for the people. Where the rights we had were inviolate, sacrosanct, and inalienable.

Today, lawyers and corporate hacks and power hungry egotists all vie for your vote on the TV screen, and with millions of dollars paid to them from corporations and special interests.

How many of the representatives today are farmers, tradesmen, carpenters, fishermen, and people truly from the community? Answer, practically none. They are mostly lawyers and former corporate executives.

This country as our Founders envisioned is dead. The only rights remaining that we have and should never yield are the First and Second and Fourth amendments to the Constitution. The Second allows us to protect the others. Our Founders knew this. Once that is gone, we are mere subjects, like we were 230 years ago.

I've learned that it is possible to lose every time. You can try with all your might, but you can still lose. There is never a guarantee of success in this life.

But there is a guarantee of failure, if you quit.

I have learned that money and possessions mean nothing.

I had to learn that one the hard way, because I lost all that I ever had.

But what was gained from that immense loss was freedom. A gift I had never known before.

No longer can anyone hold a job or a house or a mortgage or anything over my head. If I want to tell the world to fuck off, I can. Because I am willing to pay the price. In fact, I am willing to pay a price higher than almost anyone I know.

That is the gift of pain and loss. When you have nothing left to lose, you are free.

I have seen far too much pain in this life and in this world.

But I have also seen the most amazing things. The most beautiful things. And I've opened myself and my soul to the world and the universe around me.

No longer encumbered by the stresses of a long commute and a hellish job, I walk the world with cameras and watch nature in all her glory. I may never make a dime or be barely able to survive in this materialistic world, but what I will have is beyond all the riches I could ever amass.

At almost 53 years old now, I have lived a lot.

I have married, owned a home, had a career, built a life.

And then lost all of it.

I've felt the stings of abuse and violence.

I've learned what betrayal is, on an immense scale.

I've learned that I can fail just as badly, when driven to my knees.

I've watched my mother die.

And I have cried enough tears to fill a river.

What have I learned?

That I am so very human.

And that to be human means to strip away the bonds and the shackles of a life that has been determined by others. To no longer allow the will, the force, and the power of other people to control it.

I stand as myself, against all forces of man, and against anything that will lay me low. And I am willing to give all I have to protect that right. No one will ever hold power over me again. And that means I have to be willing to lose my life, if necessary. And I am prepared to do that.

I am also prepared to travel the rest of this road alone.

There is peace and joy in nature and the world around me.

And that is my salvation.

It only took losing and giving up all I had and once dreamed of to find it.

The biggest lesson of this life.

Was to stop fighting.

And. Let. Go.

I choose to live.

Lately I have had many thoughts of throwing in the towel and giving up. My closest friends barely speak to me. I live a life of poverty, alone in an empty house. A house filled with filth and crowded with incredible amounts of shit. Including the boxes from my last move. All my clothes, belongings, collectibles. Sit in cardboard prisons waiting to be opened someday. The day that I have a home of my own again, if I ever do.

Rejected by people, by employers, I go out with a vengeance with my cameras and try to capture the amazing beauty and rawness of nature.

I have nobody to lay next to me and hold me. For years now. I have no companionship.

My mother now dead almost 2 years. I miss her every day.

My father in a great new relationship, lives with his girlfriend.

I have spent many days and nights listening to tunes, having a drink or two, and contemplating the rest of my life.

And I choose to live.

In defiance of all of the forces that try to lay me low.

The forces of nature that I try so hard to show in my photos have not only given me great moments to share, but they have filled me with the power of life.

And though my future is bleak in human terms, in the world of nature and of god, I am blessed. So I will not squander this chance.

I will persist even if I lose it all.

And I will never. Ever. Quit.

So, to those of you who think you can crush my spirit, or break my back. I have the force of all living things living inside of me. And while I cannot right all the wrongs I have done, I can go forward with their help, and seek salvation and redemption.

And I will never yield.