I don't have what it takes.

To be employable anymore.

Been at this forever. I apply to good fit position. I have 30 years experience. Great resume. Tons of accomplishments.

When will I learn?

I am 52.

Far too old.

I have NO college degree. - That is the death knell.

I will not find a job. Not in the field I used to work in.

I need to accept that.

Time to regroup and retool.

There is no bright future waiting for me. No great job.

Guess I better think about stacking boxes at a supermarket or at Wal Mart.

That is all I have left.

Hope that some 25 year old kid doesn't beat me out for the stock boy slot.

On the day I die.

A bird of prey.

Will fly over me, and look into my eyes.

I will hold out my arm.

And he will fly down and land upon it.

He will look me in the eye.

And I will know.

That he knows me.

And that I understand him.

And that we are one.

And that is the day.

That I will pass.

I will live for that day.

When I can be that close.

When I can finally know.

Most nights...

I sit in a semi-drunken haze.

Drowning the sorrows, numbing the pain. Knowing full well what the next morning will feel like.

Having watched my mother follow this same path.

It's like being on a runaway train.

Mom, I finally understand. I love you, and I get it. I know what you felt. I know why.

Still, I get up and give my all. I take my cameras out and capture the impossible.

There is clarity in this life. This existence.

I know what I am.

I accept it.

You can reach a point where all the things you once thought were important fade away.

When you have married, had a life, raised your children.

When that is all gone.

When it's just you and the sunrise.

And I will see as many as I can.

While I breathe.

With no concern for how many are left for me.

Just that every day.

I will get up.

And look to the lightening sky to the east.

And consider the possibilities.

I will load the batteries into my cameras.

And sling them around my neck.

To see what nature has to show me today.

Even if it is my last.

I would not miss it.

Not for anything.

I love you, mom.

And I miss you. Every day.

But I want you to know.

I understand.

Tomorrow morning, before almost anyone is awake. I will get up. Load the cameras into the truck. Look up at the stars and the black sky.

My heart quickens.

Anticipation grows.

What will I see today?

What wonders?

Will I get the shots I dream of?

I will sit in Gull Pond at the refuge before the sun breaches the horizon.

The birds will stir and start to wake.

The sky will brighten.

And I will stand there. The cold wind blowing.

And watch the sun peak over the marsh.

The start of a new day.

And I will let it.

Take my breath away.

You know me.

You love me because you see my heart and my kindness.

You hate me because I speak my mind, unafraid.

You abandon me when I let you down.

You fear me because I am willing to risk all that most hold dear, to truly live.

You worry about me because you see my pain.

You thrill with me when I get an amazing photo.

You cry with me when I fall to my knees.

You see me. You know me.

Because I am you, holding up a mirror.

Showing you what you could be.

What you could lose.

How you can suffer.

How you can find incredible joy and beauty.

What it means to be human.

To the core of our existence.

What it means to feel the very worst.

And to hope for the very best.

To never quit.

To search for peace.

And to see that sunrise.

One more time.

People worry about me.

My dad, some of my friends. My ex. My brothers. My kids.

Okay, lets get something clear here.

Notice to all of you.

This is MY life.

Get that?

Clear on that one?

And nothing you can do. Nothing you can say.

Will change that.

See, I paid the price. I paid with all I have.

I gave all of my life. My work. My money. My efforts. For you.

And now.

It's MY time.

And I will live as I will.

And nothing. Nothing. Not you, not anyone will stop me.

That may mean this is a short trip.

But I will LIVE, for once in my life.

And anyone and everyone else who thinks I owe them something. Let me tell you.

Dues paid in full.

You are on your own.

As am I.

And nothing, in heaven or hell, will stop me.

Lifehouse - Broken

Just what the hell is life?

Here it is.

My kids...I am so proud. They endured hell in the house they grew up in. Fighting and arguing. Discord. A hellish divorce. Loss of all we had.

Yet they thrive.

My son is doing fabulously in his work, as a cosmetologist at a fine salon. And, as the coach of a High School color guard team.

My daughter is Dean's list at college, and Phi Theta Kappa. She kicks ass. She's growing up, and not taking any shit from anyone.

Me?

I am hanging on by a thread. I hold out. I hold on.

I take my cameras out and I capture the impossible.

People stand in awe of me.

I don't see it.

But they say it over and over again.

My shots are incredible. I get the moments they dream of. I can do it.

I guess they should be. I gave up everything I had to get out there and find them. To find the truth. To find god, in whatever form. To find what makes this amazing natural world tick. To feel the force of life in the creatures all around me.

But with all of that. I am still nowhere.

This life, and the pressure of it are grinding me into the ground.

Everything hurts. My neck, my back. I have herniated discs that press on the nerves in my body, sending me reeling in pain. All day. Every day. I take Advil. I take Aspirin. I numb the pain any way I can, while still be able to get out with the cameras.

I lost it all. My home, my marriage, my career, my life, all my fortune, and my dreams.

I am on a quest.

To reclaim my life and discover my future.

And there are so many forces there trying to beat me to death.

I may not make it to the promised land.

But I will say this.

I will stand. With tears in my eyes. With pain ripping through me.

And defy it all.