I am a nature photographer.

Yep, that is what I am. And a writer. And maybe even, a teacher.

I have SO much to offer.

So, where are you?

You have an untapped resource here, that could provide you with incredible photos of the birds and other wildlife.

A man of passion and intelligence, who could teach and inspire.

Is there anyone in this world, who will believe in me, and give me that shot?

They say it's all up to us to find our way, to chart the course. To network, make friends, get the "in" so we can find productive work.

But you know, sometimes you just need a fucking helping hand.

So, anyone out there want to give me a shot?

Go for it. You won't be sorry.

You'll have the most kick-ass, motivated, talented person you could have ever imagined, who loves what he does almost more than life itself.

I've got it all. Energy, talent, ability. Experience. Business savvy. Professional experience. Mentoring. Management experience. Incredible intelligence. And a host of skills so many would be envious of.

Try me.

Trying to follow the path...

A good friend has helped me to see and understand. That the universe, the forces around us, try to show us things. That there is a path we can choose and take, that will lead to happiness and peace in our lives. That it is possible. But sometimes the lessons are to be learned the hard way. Sometimes the way is not clear. Not easy to understand.

I know this.

In my heart, what has always brought me joy was being part of the natural world. Exploring. Learning. Observing. Now, using my cameras, to capture the scenes, the animals, the wildlife that is so captivating to me.

I know also, that being at our lake cabin in the woods and mountains of NY State brings me great peace and joy. I feel as if I belong there.

But this world seemingly, and to this point, has little use for the likes of me.

In order to survive, I need income. A good salary. To meet obligations to my ex wife (alimony) and to be able to afford a place to live.

As of yet, I am unable to see how doing what I love can get me there. But I haven't given up.

I have 2 job interviews next week for positions in my old field. Information Technology.

I worked in that field for 30 years.

I don't enjoy it. I don't even care about it. It brings me no joy. And I could hardly care less. It is just a job. A means toward an end. But it would take all of my time. And my photography, and my joy, would soon disappear.

So I face these apparent choices.

Try like hell to get one of those good jobs. Make money. Afford a place to live.

And give up what I love, what brings me peace and joy. Give up the time at the cabin at the lake.

What a choice.

Sometimes.

You just have to go for it.

Tonight, I decide that I am.

Enough of waiting around to see what happens.

Sometimes, you have to just go for what you want.

And I am. :)

Broken.

Lyrics by Lifehouse:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

It just keeps getting better.

Well, I have 2 possible job opportunities. That's wonderful.

I have an in person interview on Monday. That's 2 days after Christmas.

We are due to get a snowstorm starting Christmas day, and lasting through Monday morning.

So, I went out today, to get a nice suit for my interview. I need one. I have no clothes left, and the last suit I had is in tatters.

So, I called Frank's Big and Tall. I need a place like this because my sizes aren't available at your run of the mill department store. They were great...they said they could have the pants hemmed and get me in a suit today if I could get to the store early.

So, I drove to the store.

And it was boarded up and closed.

I called them.

The nearest store was 40 miles north of where I was.

No time left. They were closing early.

So, I turned around and went to a local department store. No luck. Jackets that fit, but pants sized for little boys.

I gave up.

This is the story of my life. Nothing comes easy. Nothing happens without extreme effort, or travail. It's like I live to jump over obstacles and climb walls.

It's Christmas eve.

And through the magic of the internet, and FaceBook, I read of my friends and their preparations for Christmas. Mostly joyous, festive, wonderful posts. Baking cookies. Making things for tomorrow's big dinner. Welcoming family to their home. Celebrating the joy of their lives. Their children. Their husband. Their wife. Their new love. The beautiful tree. The lights!

And it's all so wonderful.

For them.

Tonight I sit in this shit hole of a house. My dad's house. The king of hoarders, there is more crap in here than a dozen workers could empty into a 5 ton dumpster in 3 days of solid work.

It's quiet. And it is alone.

And I grow bitter and resentful.

I could make a great Ebenezer Scrooge.

I have a bottle of gin and nice cold tonic water, and all the ice I could need.

So, I sit, and I drink.

And I self medicate.

The way my mother did.

She couldn't stand the pain of her life. Of her marriage. Of the conditions she was in.

She didn't drink because she was a hopeless alcoholic with an addiction problem.

She drank because she gave up. Because to do so was the one thing nobody in her life could control. And because it numbed the pain.

I finally understand her. And why she did what she did. And how sorrowful that was.

She was a woman of incredible talent, intelligence, compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

Driven to her knees by circumstances that crushed her spirit.

Much like this life I now lead, is trying to do to me.

My brother recently came to visit. And he and I agreed. Mom (her ashes) need to be at the cabin and the lake. Currently they sit alone on a mantle in this fucking shit hole of a house surrounded by photos of her, and garbage. She deserves better than that.

So, I will be taking her to the lake this Spring. And I don't care what my father says about that. He may have been her husband...but she gave birth to me and to my brothers. And that gives us the right. She is my blood. And she will be at the cabin. The place she loved more than anything. So help me, God.

Tonight I sit here again at this "wonderful time of year" totally disgusted.

I reach back, and try hard to feel the joy of what my friends and loved ones are enjoying. And wishing them well. Because I truly want them to be happy.

But I yearn for December 26th. When all of the pretense of this holiday are OVER.

I am tired of being reminded that I have no wife, no woman who loves me, no family with me, no job, and no money, no home and no future.

Just damned tired.

And the rage builds.

Sadness and loss turns to anger.

Because I have only two choices. I can sit here and wallow and give up. I can cry and say woe is me. Or I can rage inside at the injustice of it all. And I can build a fire inside, fueled by a deep hatred of the forces and people who have made me suffer.

I choose to strike the match, and light the flame.

And so help me. I will burn this misery to the ground. And nobody will stand in my way.

I have had ALL I will ever take.

ALL.

It's my life. And it may be fucking miserable to the end. But I will not allow anyone to chart that course but me.

I'm angry. I'm tired of sucking it down. I'm tired of losing.

I'm tired of hurting.

Done. Time to kick some ass. And I don't even care about taking the names.

Although I know better...

There are times when I want to say I have had enough.

Where I want to wave the white flag and just surrender.

Throw in the towel.

I am so exhausted.

So drained from this struggle. So forlorn with my circumstances.

Many tell me that the best is yet to come.

That "next year" will be the year.

They have been telling me this for 5 years now.

And each year is worse than the last.

Forgive me, for self indulgence.

But I hate this life.

More than you can imagine.

Every day is filled with raw emotion. Filled with the pain of loss and of loneliness.

I got up this morning and looked in the mirror. Huge bags under my eyes. Wrinkles everywhere. My hair and beard fully gray...now that I am allergic to hair dye, I can't even fool myself.

I look like nine miles of bad road, and like I've been through a fucking war.

And I live in a house full of utter shit that I cannot possibly clean out by myself.

And hell, it isn't even my house. It's my father's.

Of course he doesn't live here any more.

He left me here, to go live with his girlfriend.

So, it's just me, a couple dozen boxes still sealed, sitting in the living and dining room, and even on the stairs, with the last remnants of my life inside of them. Still packed.

And the furniture and other belongings from my past life, sit in a frozen garage at the lake cabin.

I am just existing here.

Month after month. Year after endless year.

I keep trying to work a way out of this. To find good employment, and to somehow make enough money to pay my ex wife her alimony every month, and to afford a place to live.

I have determined that it is all but impossible.

I have a very small ray of hope left. But it's fading.

My photography is great. I do wonderful work.

And who cares?

Nobody.

Nobody willing to hire me or pay me for that skill, to the point where I could survive.

I've got the towel in my hand.

I am ready to throw it in the ring.

I hate this life.

More than anything I could ever express.

I cannot stand the pain, the loneliness, and the hopelessness.

I exist.

I persevere.

And I do it because others rely on me.

My kids for instance.

But that brings me no solace, and no comfort.

And almost no hope.

I hate this life.

And those who helped to put me here.

Because I could have been so much more.

Mixed emotions.

Christmas is just 2 days away.

And my emotions are all over the place.

For me, Christmas has been a time of great pain and loss over the last few years. I now associate it with broken dreams, failed romances. Broken family. The loss of my mother. And the loss of all my worldly possessions and of my home.

I see others smiling and happy. Together with their partners and those they love.

Festive. Parties. Presents. A warm fire. A nice home.

And it just points out even more to me, how far I have fallen. How much I have lost.

I would love to trade places. But I dare not wish my fate on any of the friends I love.

I am strong enough to survive this.

Not so sure many of my friends could.

And I would not wish it on them.

I don't resent them, or their happiness. I am happy to see my friends happy and enjoying their life.

But I also see myself, and by comparison, my life...

Is so much less than what I wish it were.

I no longer celebrate this holiday. I no longer observe it. Nor will I, probably ever.

You reach a point where the memories of Christmas past become those that overshadow any pretense of what they could have, or should have been.

I am very content to just look at this as another day.

The buildup to this holiday is over the top. The music of the season on every radio station, in the malls, at the gas station!, and just about everywhere. The lights are out on every home. On the street light poles in town. It's over the top, and it's everywhere.

I read stories from people about the thousands of dollars they are spending on gifts, and just shake my head.

I used to be like that. My ex and I used to spend insane amounts on the kids, on gifts.

I have a very different perspective now.

All of that?

Means absolutely nothing.

Being in the position where I can barely afford to give anyone anything has depressed me. I don't want to spend thousands on worthless junk. But I did want to be able to just give something to those I care about. I can't.

Like I said, the emotions are mixed.

Part of me feels like I am "missing out".

The other part feels that it was never really meaningful anyway. It was all superficial.

I'm not a Christian. I'm not an atheist, either.

So, I look at this through a very peculiar set of eyes.

What is left wanting in me is the love and closeness of a partner and of family, together. To be with someone I love and who loves me, and to have my family and children close.

Not because I want to celebrate a religious (and commercial) holiday.

But just that at this time of year, the lack of it seems especially acute.