When you have to dig deeper than you ever have before.

I have had my faith and hope tested so many times, that I am unfortunately becoming familiar with that life.

Every ray of hope I have has to fight like hell to reach my eyes, and for my soul to hold onto it.

For some reason...well, for many reasons, I have not been able to pull out of this hell.

I keep working, trying, hoping, struggling. I pour my entire self and my soul into my photography.

I keep applying for jobs...and those pleas for work fall on deaf ears. My talents and ability are going to waste, and the people who could have had me working with them are missing out.

I know my abilities. I know my capabilities. They are worth having.

What sometimes drags me back, and what I try hard (too damned hard) to fight are the feelings of envy I have for many that I have come to know over the years.

Many of my friends faced the same hardships. Cheating spouses, divorce, hard times.

But every one of them has moved on. They've got a new start, a new life, a new love, a new job, a new home.

It's like standing here stuck in a block of ice, or with a weight tied to both feet. I haven't moved at all. I am staring at the same four walls I did 2 years ago. On Feb 14th, I will have been here in my father's empty house, for 2 solid years. The boxes that we moved out of my townhouse when I lost my last job, are still sitting where they where when the movers placed them there.

It is life on hold.

Endless hold.

I get up every day, and nothing ever changes.

I keep hoping.

I keep waiting.

I keep trying.

Now I am digging down deeper than I ever have before.

I am facing a court hearing on Monday. My attorney will not return any calls. I have no idea what is coming. And from someone who has been dealt many crushing surprises, I hate them with a passion.

The worst thing this lawyer could have done was this. Ignore his own client, and leave it to complete surprise, with no reassurances, no planning, no discussion.

My life of the last 10-12 years has been one of almost constant upheaval. Incredible stress. Betrayals and losses and back stabbing and disappointments. Financial ruin.

I have things I need and want to do. I want to get out of this place. Be with the one I love, who is so very far away. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. A pension to collect in 2013, for one thing.

But it is a long way to go to get there.

And it's fucking dark in here.