Epic FAIL

I have not posted here in a long time. The time is now, however.

For the last six months or more, one man and his minions have done everything they can to destroy me. Literally following me with private investigators, conspiring with my ex wife and doing whatever he (they) can to undermine me and break my spirit.

I am here to say. EPIC FAIL. Got a job waiting for me, got a huge pension coming in nine months. A future. A new home. A wife to be.

I just wanted to declare that they have failed.

You cannot beat someone who has lost it all, and who has nothing left to lose. That is because all that is left is what you are made of. What's inside of you.

Sure, I've made my mistakes, done things I shouldn't have. But that does not define us (or me). It is what is inside of you that makes you who you are.

In the end you take nothing with you. I've learned what it is like to have nothing while still here. Its not so bad. What you end up with is who you are as a person, and then you find out who your real friends are. Because you have nothing material to offer them. Just yourself.

The gang of six or so haters, led by one Brian E. Kushner of Audubon NJ, consists of dysfunctional, fucked-up people who enjoy bashing me, following their leader, who has no talent, no ability, other than to rally people to hate someone he hates. Me.

Sorry, you failed. In every conceivable way. I am still healthy, still sober, still alive, and still doing what I love (photography). You tried everything. The police, the courts, tailing me, going after my closest friends, hacking their accounts, and trying to get to me.

Time to give it up.

I am unbreakable. You can't have that final victory. I suggest you go take more lousy photographs and whore yourself out like you have been, in search of approval.

Your attempts to undermine me and break my spirit and take away my friends has resulted in me being even stronger, and my friends more aligned with me than ever.

Game. Set. Match.

The Black Blanket From Hell

Depression.

It takes everything from you. It puts you down, and keeps you there.

You want to move, but you can't.

You're stuck here.

You're not so much sad as you are incapacitated.

No matter how hard you want to be productive, active, get things done.

You just can't.

Impossible to really explain to anyone who hasn't been here.

It is like draping this cloak of darkness over you, to where you are covered in it and comforted in a strange way, but immobilized. You see light and opportunity, but the blanket is so heavy, you can't get out from under it.

So you let it keep you warm. And utterly dying at the same time.

Simple things like making a meal, or cleaning up, or walking the dogs become overwhelming tasks that might as well have been someone asking you to design the next skyscraper.

Everything suffers. Your friends. Your family. Your relationships. God forbid, your job and livelihood spiral down into the black hole.

Its not that you stop caring.

Its that you cannot move.

It is for me, the worst thing I have ever experienced. For a long time, years back, I was able to do the kinds of things that helped offset the effects. I exercised hard, I had a job that required me to think and act and perform. I had a family and a home of my own.

I now have none of those things. Have not for a long while.

To make matters worse...the very worst place for someone battling this is in a place filled with clutter and confusion.

And I live in the worst of hoarder's hells. My father's house.

I half-joking tell visitors (of which I have almost none), to not put anything of theirs down anywhere. Because they won't be able to find it again. It's not even an exaggeration.

The incredible clutter and mess serve to completely confound any efforts to pull out from under the blanket. You look around you, and you cannot even find what you need. Without space and organization, fighting depression is like being thrown into a maze with all the lights turned off.

And you simply give up. Because for a normal person, the effort required to deal with clutter and disorganization is difficult.

For someone suffering depression?

It's a life sentence.

That is one reason I cannot wait to leave this place behind. Which I am doing shortly.

To say it is taking superhuman effort is an understatement.

When you wear this black, lead cloak....just moving is near impossible.

Tearing it off and flying away?

As close to miraculous as it gets.

Wish me luck.

When you have to dig deeper than you ever have before.

I have had my faith and hope tested so many times, that I am unfortunately becoming familiar with that life.

Every ray of hope I have has to fight like hell to reach my eyes, and for my soul to hold onto it.

For some reason...well, for many reasons, I have not been able to pull out of this hell.

I keep working, trying, hoping, struggling. I pour my entire self and my soul into my photography.

I keep applying for jobs...and those pleas for work fall on deaf ears. My talents and ability are going to waste, and the people who could have had me working with them are missing out.

I know my abilities. I know my capabilities. They are worth having.

What sometimes drags me back, and what I try hard (too damned hard) to fight are the feelings of envy I have for many that I have come to know over the years.

Many of my friends faced the same hardships. Cheating spouses, divorce, hard times.

But every one of them has moved on. They've got a new start, a new life, a new love, a new job, a new home.

It's like standing here stuck in a block of ice, or with a weight tied to both feet. I haven't moved at all. I am staring at the same four walls I did 2 years ago. On Feb 14th, I will have been here in my father's empty house, for 2 solid years. The boxes that we moved out of my townhouse when I lost my last job, are still sitting where they where when the movers placed them there.

It is life on hold.

Endless hold.

I get up every day, and nothing ever changes.

I keep hoping.

I keep waiting.

I keep trying.

Now I am digging down deeper than I ever have before.

I am facing a court hearing on Monday. My attorney will not return any calls. I have no idea what is coming. And from someone who has been dealt many crushing surprises, I hate them with a passion.

The worst thing this lawyer could have done was this. Ignore his own client, and leave it to complete surprise, with no reassurances, no planning, no discussion.

My life of the last 10-12 years has been one of almost constant upheaval. Incredible stress. Betrayals and losses and back stabbing and disappointments. Financial ruin.

I have things I need and want to do. I want to get out of this place. Be with the one I love, who is so very far away. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. A pension to collect in 2013, for one thing.

But it is a long way to go to get there.

And it's fucking dark in here.

Living is dying.

Living is dying.

When we are young we see endless opportunity, we dream of being special. We are going to be astronauts, or scientists, or maybe even president.

Maybe by junior high or sooner we start to see that fall apart.

We see kids treating others with cruelty.

We see people who are badly handicapped.

As we age, we get to see those we love, die.

We get to learn words like "cancer", "heart disease" or "Auto accident".

And then they are gone.

We get to learn about corruption and crime, about violence and prejudice, about poverty and horrible illnesses.

Life is not this wonderous journey filled with flowers and butterflies.

It is a journey of learning to live with crushing pain. Loss. Betrayal. Death.

We only get to enjoy those butterflies and flowers by knowing the pain.

We can't really appreciate them without it.

Life is a scale we teter on. On one side is the beauty, the hugs, the laughs, the loves.

On the other side is the ache, the pain, the loss, the tears, the broken heart.

And that is the glory of being human.

We know we are here but for a short time. We are blessed with the ability to feel and empathize and hurt, and to help those we love.

We know we will die someday.

That the journey is going to hurt. A lot.

And maybe through that pain, we can find and appreciate that which we otherwise would take for granted.

You only get one shot at a sunrise. You best watch the next one. Because the day after that? You may not be here to see another.

I've lost friends, loved ones, and my own mother. I've seen them all pass on. I've watched them die. I've lost a lot, but others have lost even more.

Tomorrow, I will find a bird, or a flower, or a plant, or a gorgeous sunrise, and I will take it all in.

Life is about pain and suffering.

And that is the price we pay for joy.

Trial by fire.

Well, all of my money is gone.

No more unemployment.

No job.

Because I have an alcohol addiction, in a few days I will get to go through withdrawl. This will be the second time. The first was in October, when I nearly froze to death at the cabin.

I should have learned then. I made it 25 days. Then I drank again.

I also smoke. Because of 35 years of doing that, I now have COPD. I can't imagine having to go cold turkey on both alcohol and cigarettes at the same time, but that is what I am facing.

In all these years. The last six at least....

Nobody came to my aid.

My ex who divorced me....

My former coworkers...

Nobody.

They all let me fucking rot and die here.

With all the talent, experience and ability I have, nobody stood up for me. Not one person went the extra mile to help.

So, when I lost my last job, 2 years ago, I moved back in with my father.

All of my shit still lies in boxes here. A life totally destroyed. On hold. No place to go. No home.
No job. No money. Nothing left at all.

And still, I get calls from my ex and kids..."Can you help..."

No, I can't help.

See, the last few years, I needed your help. I needed REAL help.

I needed people who would reach out to me, help me, maybe cook me a dinner, or help me find work.

When all was said and done.

I was alone.

I gave my entire life to a marriage and to raise children.

I worked for 30 years.

Drove over 1 million miles commuting.

Risked my life.

Gave all I had.

And when it counted...

I was left here to rot and die.

I would have given anything for my family. I would have sacrificed anything at all.

But when it came down to me.

They let me go.

So.

I am gone.

I am leaving you all behind.

I am moving on to a new life. I will do as I please.

But you?

You are on your own.

This is my goodbye. No, I am not dying. I am moving on.

This is life number 2.

And it starts today.

Life's Hardest Moments.

Someone posted the most amazing moments in life. In response,
I would like to post the hardest moments in life.

Finding out your mother has died.
Having you children sexually abused by their grandparents.
Having your daughter raped and assaulted by a boyfriend.
Watching your father go through open heart surgery.
Watching your friends die from cancer and disease.
Losing a career that spanned 30 years.
Going bankrupt.
Being cheated on, betrayed, lied to and tossed into the street by
the woman who swore to love you forever.
Being backstabbed by coworkers.
Losing your home and the place you built for your family.
Losing all of your worldly possessions, and every dime you ever had.
Having shotguns pointed at your head for "your own safety".
Being dragged from your own home by police.
Having friends abandon you when you needed them most.
Being told you are worthless, and who would ever want you?

All of these. Are my life.

But here I stand. I have hope for a bright future with a wonderful woman who I adore. I have yet to meet her.

But she held my hand through the worst of it. Always there for me.

That is what it takes. To overcome hell.

Love.