To be held

Loneliness has been a part of my life now for years. I have had no one to hold, and no one to hold me. For a very long time.

You start to starve for it. You weaken without it.

For the longest time now, I have found solace in my photography. In being out there. In talking with my friends, online.

And no matter what. Nothing takes the place of simple human touch. Of arms around me. Of a gentle stroking of my skin.

The hardest part of the last few years is not the stresses of alimony, my lack of a job or a home.

It is the silence.

And the absence of a hug.

To be held.

My Birthday

Was today.

53 years old.

Today, I got to see the dreams I once had in the form of another family. What I could have had. What I always wanted. A gorgeous yard filled with plants and gardens and bird feeders. Nature. Beauty. A beautiful loving family, with incredible children. All living that life I so wanted. In every way. It was like looking at the parallel universe. The one where I got to have all I wanted from life, instead of losing everything I had.

I almost lost it there. I almost just broke down. At one point, when their teenage son was showing me around with his back to me, the tears started coming. Took all I had to not go there.

I saw all that I had ever dreamed of. Love, affection, family, harmony. The love of nature, and the birds.

That same family treated me with love and incredible generosity. Just fantastic people, with big hearts. They are all cherished friends.

It was an incredibly emotional day.

Dozens upon dozens of birthday wishes came in from friends on Facebook. Many kind words, hugs, and I love you's.

I spent the afternoon at the refuge, with my cameras. It was a tough day there. Lots of ignorant, stupid and arrogant people. Stressing the birds. (and me). They don't belong there. It's a refuge. Not a playground. That is why the government should not be in the business of managing them. They believe they have to be public recreation lands.

So cyclists, joggers, and complete assholes who could not care less about the wildlife there, use the drive and the trails as their "park".

All in all...it was the generosity of my friends who saved the day for me.

I have one hell of a hard road ahead. They made it just a little easier.

And for that I am grateful.

My birthday has been a source of pain for a number of years now. Associated with the worst betrayal and duplicity I have ever experienced.

While I saw today all that could have been, and it nearly broke me.

It also gave me hope.

As the world races by....

Bin Laden is dead. The US got him after 10 years.

Hundreds of thousands of lives lost. Trillions of dollars spent on war.

For what?

I am not sad to see him gone. But I have to wonder.

We are racing by. We are careening ahead like a runaway train.

Not only in our country's pursuit of terrorists, and of securing an oil supply.

But for most Americans, in their everyday lives.

I have opted out of the "system".

I won't ever again slave for a corporate master.

I won't every again race down the Garden State Parkway at insane, death-defying speeds to get to work.

I don't care about a big house. A great car, or the two week vacation in Belize.

But almost everyone does.

They toil, they rush, they race. To work. To home. Get the kids to practice for one of 13 programs they are enrolled in.

Run! Go! Get there! This is life, right? Go for it. Move, move, move!! Gotta get home. Gotta get to work. Gotta get the kids out to wherever the fuck they have to go.

Let me see, I have 3.25 hours free on Sunday! Lets go to the park, or the zoo. Then lets make sure to get home, because we need to be there in time to watch American Idol!

Fuck this world.

This is not living. This is a race to the end. And nobody gets to take anything with them.

I've checked out.

You can all race by me. I will be the one in the right lane, doing the speed limit, trying to be safe from all of you insane assholes.

Instead.

I am going to walk through the rest of my life.

With a camera in my hands. With my eyes and ears open to the living world around me.

And I will reach down and feel the moist earth beneath me.

And maybe if I am lucky, I will coax a butterfly to crawl onto my finger. So that I might marvel at the inredible beauty of God's creation.

While the rest of you race home. Race to work. Race to wherever the hell you think you need to be.

I will stop.

And take it all in.

Because life is worth more than to see who gets to the finish line first.

We only get one shot at this.

I choose the road less traveled.