From a dear friend...

When I face what has left my life,
I bow.
I walk outside into the cold,
rain nesting in my hair.
All the houses near me
have their lights on.
Somewhere,
there is a deep listening.

I stand in the dark for a long time
under the walnut tree,

unable to tell anyone,
not even the night,
what I know.

I feel the darkness
rush towards me,

and I open my arms.

(Lynn Martin)

I went West, but I was not a young man.

This past weekend was the first time in my life I ever saw the Pacific Ocean. I gazed upon an incredible city. An amazing bridge. I was in San Francisco.

I left the frozen tundra that was New Jersey, and stepped into a world of sun and warm temperatures, gorgeous mountains, trees and green grass and plants.

And what did I see as I walked there.

The young and the beautiful.

I went to the coast in hopes of a job.

When I got to their offices, I was dressed better and sharper than any of them. And I was also 10-20 or more years older than all of them.

Ahh, California.

Gorgeous weather. Beautiful people.

And no place for an old man like me.

I have grown up in the gritty and cold Northeast. A veteran of snow and ice, and long, cold, dark Winter days.

The warm sun and gorgeous scenery was like a reprieve from yet another hellish Winter in New Jersey. It felt good to feel the rays, and to watch the wildlife there, as if Summer never ends.

I went to see if my long years of experience, ability and knowledge would be something that this small young company wanted. They seemed to.

But when they saw my crisp suit and tie, my gray beard and head empty of hair, my face filled with the lines of a hard life....

I knew that I wouldn't end up with the job.

They walked around in socks and t-shirts, and fiddled with their iPhones and Blackberrys. Indulging in the technology. Children of machines, they noticed nothing around them. Just the job. The technology.

Then I stepped outside to wait for my cab.

The sun was beginning to set.

And then, I saw, for the first time in my life, a Rufous Hummingbird looking for nectar in a flowering tree.

Nobody else was there to see it.

But I did. And I watched it in awe as I do all the birds..wishing I had my camera with me.

And at that moment, I knew what I was, and what I am meant to be.

Hand me my camera, friend.

I have wonders to capture, and miracles to behold.

I didn't get the job.

What else is new, right?

Who knows why, but I suspect it was because of my age (I was the oldest one in the building) and the fact that I was the only one there in a suit.

But this has just made me realize.

I am done with this bullshit. I am done with IT. With corporate America.

I don't give a shit about computers. I don't give a shit about the bottom line.

I am a photographer. A writer. A teacher.

And so shall my life be focused, from now on. No matter what.

The Future...

Is in my hands.

On Sunday, I fly to California for a second round of job interviews.

If I nail this one, I get a great job with a good company.

Only thing is, I have to relocate. I have to move 900 miles South of here.

And in so doing, I have to leave behind all that I love.

Friends, Family. The refuge. The other places I go with my cameras.

It's freedom. Independence. The ability to live on my own again, self sufficient.

As with everything in my life..

The price.

Is to be paid in blood and tears.

Someday. It is my hope, that I can stop giving all I have to get what I need.

Standing.

All through my life.

There was never a coach, an opposing player. A fellow student. A boss. A coworker that could bring me to my knees.

I defied them all. No matter the challenge. No matter the betrayal.

Because I did not love them. They were just a part of my life I had to deal with.

The ones who sent me to my knees?

Were those I loved.

And I will never be on my knees again.

I stand.

And that is all there is to it.

Tired of being fucked over.

I waffle sometimes into the black of the abyss. I bend and yield under the strain.

I look back at a series of blows and losses that would bring the strongest person to their knees.

And I have been there.

And the view from down there SUCKS.

I've been fucked over in almost every aspect of life. But nothing approaching what my ex-wife did to me.

And I am fucking sick of it.

In a week, I fly to California for a job interview. And I WILL fucking nail it.

And I will stand up once again and take my fucking life back.

Because I am SO fucking tired of eating the dirt.

I may have to leave so much that I love dearly behind.

But I cannot stay here with the chains of indentured servitude and poverty around my neck, taking from me the very life force I have.

I will get the fuck out of here. No matter the price.

Looking back.

It was a hot and sweltering night. July 23, 1998.

My dad and I had just finished the 3rd trip with the boxes and furniture. We were exhausted. We placed the rest in the garage.

We sat outside on the front steps. It was now close to 2AM. We felt good. We both smiled. Thanks to my good fortune in my career, and a little help from him, my new home was finished being built. I watched it every day for the months it took. Documented the whole process in photos from foundation to finished.

It was a gorgeous place. Not a monster of a home, but large enough. With oak wood flooring, ceramic tile. Beautiful carpets. Spacious rooms. A finished basement with an office and even a bathroom.

An acre of property. Plenty of room to put in wonderful gardens, trees and a pond. In a cul-de-sac. Quiet. Private. No through traffic.

We sat on the porch, and listened as the sprinkler system kicked in, and gentle sound of the water made it complete. I was starting a new chapter. My wife and my 2 young kids, would have this wonderful place to call home.

Tomorrow,

I will leave the loft bedroom of my father's house, and head to Trenton. To Federal bankruptcy court.

The house? Gone.

The marriage? Gone.

The career. Gone.

The money. Gone.

The boxes now sit in my father's living room and dining room. And my furniture and other belongings are stored in a frozen garage at the lake property.

In just under 5 years time.

I lost all I had.

Including the dreams.

So, tomorrow I get to go before the creditors and the judge.

There will be no doubt that this will be approved.

After all, I have nothing left to give.