Convergence

In 2006 I released a game that I made by myself. A sequel to a Star Trek game that I worked on as a level designer. Of course it was "unofficial" and it was free. It took me 3 years to make. I had the help of a few internet friends to do it. But I was the sole designer. I came up with the story, the dialogue, the cut scenes, the level design. 22 levels. The amount of work involved is staggering, if you know anything about high end computer game design.

The game was critically acclaimed and had thousands of downloads. The Star Trek community loved it. But it was anticlimactic for me.

It was in the doing of it that I lived. Not in the release. Though it was rewarding to see the results of my work make it out there in the real world.

But what really strikes me is that the name we chose for it (suggested by one of the team of beta testers) would be prophetic.

Today was a very personal and emotional day for me.

With so much happening in my life, all at once, it was as if someone uncorked a bottle and everything that had been trapped in there came out like a volcano.

It wasn't a meltdown, but it was intense.

I have never felt the level of emotion all at once. Pain and frustration. Loss and hurt. Love and caring. Excitement and anticipation. Yearning and loneliness.

All at once, in one massive explosion from deep inside my soul.

It was a convergence.

A meeting of all the bad, all the good that has happened recently, all the hopes and dreams. The fear and the apprehension. All of those emotions. All at once.

I have never felt or experienced anything like it. It was scary and it was over the top.

And it was liberating.

I'm not an easy person to live with.

What makes me good at what I do and accomplish is also what makes me difficult to understand. To deal with. And sometimes to talk with.

No, I'm not special or better.

But I am intense. To the point that people tend to want to run away or put their walls up, because they can't deal with all the raw emotion.

My life is better for me now that I have unleashed that part of me. It fuels my creativity. My work is better because my heart and my soul are on my sleeve.

And it all converged today.

And it feels like the weights of a lifetime were lifted, and I see my course clearly now.