Choices.

After my recent public revelation of my own failure as a human being to do the right thing when I was tested, I wanted to follow up on that a bit.

I know full well, that most if not everyone has done things they are ashamed of. Or things they knew were wrong.

So, for all of you out there.

If you were a boss and played favorites, and kept good people down....

If you were afraid of competition, so you ratted out a friend to make yourself look better.

If you cheated on your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend.

If you hurt someone.

If you did things you regret. If you did things you know in your heart that were wrong.

Come clean.

Let it out.

Take the slings and arrows. Answer for what you have done.

Because we all have done the same. We have all failed.

Only by admitting what we are as flawed human beings can we become closer to one another.

There is forgiveness and redemption in this world.

Some will not. Some will run away and hide because what we have done and admitted scares them. Because it forces them to face what they have done.

When we can bear all of ourselves, without fear. We can heal. We can become closer to those we love and care about.

Because none of us live without sin.

Only those who deny it are the ones who suffer the most.

Carrying Guilt

Very germane subject for me right now.

I've carried a ton of it around with me for oh, about 5 years now.

And yesterday, I dumped it all. Out in the open. I exposed my greatest failure of character and of will that I have ever done, in the death throes of my marriage.

While my ex-wife was in the midst of her second affair, with my next door neighbor, I met someone online. I gave into the attention, and ended up having a short affair of my own with her.

Some people already knew this. I had told my ex-wife, my parents, my adult children, and seven very close friends.

I was unable and unwilling to reveal this to all until just yesterday. And I fully realized the cost of doing so.

Now, I could have kept this a secret, probably forever.

But that did not serve me. While it angered some, enraged others, and caused a good number of people to hate my guts, I was willing to let that come.

Because I couldn't hold this one any more.

In order for me to have a new life, I had to come clean. And the cost will be huge.

I will blame no one for their feelings against me. Do as you will.

But believe me. Those rebukes will not sting anywhere near the pain carrying this around with me has done to me. I have beaten myself up over this failure for years. I wanted SO badly to be able to go back in time and just NOT DO IT.

What I also realize this will do in the minds of many is undo all the good I have done. This is all they will remember of me.

But some will still see the good man that I am.

Yes, I am a good man. A loving, caring, gentle and kind man.

Who made a very bad decision. A harmful one.

This wasn't a mistake. It wasn't an accident. I have to own it. And I do.

But there is another piece to this story. It's not a mitigation. It's not an excuse. But it damn well explains how someone like me can do something like this.

The lesson I have learned about myself is that if I am pushed to the very limits of what I can endure, that I am capable of things I never would have believed possible. To look at it from the outside is impossible. You have to get into the mind and soul of a person to understand how and why they do what they do.

The last 10 years of my marriage was hell on earth. And I don't mean that it was unhappy.

It was filled with verbal, emotional and physical abuse against me. Multiple affairs by my ex wife. It was a living fucking hell. I cannot even begin to describe what took place. By the time I came to the decision to have an affair of my own, I had become for lack of a better word, a prisoner in my own home, basically locked in a basement office all the time.

(For the record. I have forgiven my ex-wife for this. I have not forgotten it. But I have forgiven it. The burdens of her life, her horrible childhood, and dealing with being Bipolar caused it. I know she did not want to be that person. )

I locked myself in there. Because I couldn't take it anymore.

By the time I was ripe for this stupid decision, I had given up all hope. I could not see anything. I could not see a future. I was sleep deprived for years. Exhausted. In pain. Miserable. And I wanted to die.

I had thoughts in my head of homicide. Of suicide. I wanted it to stop. I could not stand it anymore. I had been pushed to the absolute breaking point. I was broken. Completely. Not a shred of who I was had survived.

And then, someone comes along and gives me attention, strokes my ego, makes me feel better about myself. And I jumped. And I failed.

In one moment, I threw away 28 years of devotion and fidelity. I compromised myself to the point I never would have believed myself capable of.

I am not that man. It does not define me. But I did do it. And it is something I will regret the rest of my life. But I won't carry it around with me like a sack of sand on my back, allowing it to crush me and make it impossible to be that good man.

Some will forgive me, and some already have.

Others will not.

I've been told by a few that I should not "blame" my circumstances for what I did.

No, I blame myself. If I didn't, I would feel no guilt or shame. And I do.

The Sands of Time

Today I feel so fucking old.

Pictures of me from a meetup yesterday really showed it to me.

Gray and wrinkled. And even though I have lost a lot of weight, it is obvious I need to lose more. I am getting softer, and older, and any illusions I had of youth are now obliterated.

In my mind, I am still young and vibrant.

But my body is showing the toll of all that I have endured.

Many years.

And countless miles.

And it is so depressing.

Some of my friends are younger than I, and I look at their photos...with their girlfriends or boyfriends, wives and husbands.

And not only do I envy them the love and closeness they share with another, but I look at them as if they are a ghost of my past.

Wonderful skin and hair, young and vibrant. Beautiful people.

And I look at myself in these photos.

And I look as if I am just one step away from death.

It has been too fucking hard.

This life.

Too many tears.

Too many heartaches.

Too many losses.

And all of them are written in my eyes, and on this body.

I once was a muscular, trim and gorgeous man.

I am now barely a shell of who that man was.

I can't even bear to look in a mirror anymore. Or see a photo of me.

When I take a shot of myself...I choose the angle, the lighting (lots of shadow) and I hide as much as I can.

I now have to use PhotoShop on pictures of me, because I can't stand to show the real me in a shot. I need to soften the lines on my face first. Otherwise, it looks like a map of the Grand Canyon.

I despise what my life has done to me.

For what it has cost me in my soul, has finally started to reveal itself in my face and body.

And I look for all the world like a man who is beaten and devastated, and who has suffered horribly.

And, I am. And I have.

I just wish I didn't have to look at him.

I wish I still had a life in front of me. Where I was youthful and attractive.

Times long gone.

I am blessed to be able to turn my camera and lens at the beauty of this world. The birds and animals that are timeless.

I will never again turn the camera on myself.

I have seen enough of the cost of my life.

I do not need to ever gaze upon it again.

If I were to write an ad for myself....

52 year old single man, reasonably good shape.
Divorced.
Unemployed and Bankrupt.
Live with my father.
Have one 11 year old pickup truck, and one 6 year old car.
2 Adult Children, not living with me.
Enjoy Photography and Nature.

Formerly a husband and provider for a family of four.
For 23 years.
30 Year career making six figures for last 12.
Former homeowner.
--------------

Today, it's hard to look at people and tell them where I am at, so to speak. There is nothing more humiliating than to have my father go and pay a storage facility bill for me, and talk to a man who works there who is my age, but obviously working and doing okay.

Yeah, my dad is paying for that. Thanks so much.

And you can see in their eyes, a few things.

How pathetic it is.
And how they are very happy they are not me.

It is too humbling.
It is humiliating.

I live now only by having to take charity from my parent.
Saddled with lifetime alimony, my unemployment pay cannot cover the bills I still have.

The convergence of events that led to this are almost the worst possible cases for all of them.

The divorce resulted in having to sell the family home. Just after the housing market tumbled and sank to an all time low.

Very shortly after, the career I had for almost 30 years came to an end, as I was laid off (along with a host of other people).

And without a degree, and at this age, I am almost completely excluded from consideration in the field I worked in, and at anywhere near the levels I once attained.

The cost of the loss on the house, along with all the legal bills and expenses put me over the edge, and into bankruptcy.

Of course, with all of this, I was unable to stay in a rented townhouse, and had to move back in with my father, where I had stayed for almost a year when my ex-wife threw me out and divorced me.

All this, at the same time. All within a period of a couple years.

I live out of boxes. I have now for a couple years.

Gave away all of the lawn and garden equipment I once owned, because it was too costly to keep storing. Figured I'd never have a house again, so why keep it.

And then, my mother died.

People keep telling me that the future is in my hands. That it is possible to pull up and out, and get a good job again, and that I need to think positively, and work hard.

Well, that may be true. The future is in my hands.

But the past surely wasn't.

Was it.

Yep, 52 year old man.
Or maybe, more like, half a man.

For any who read here...

My apologies.

This is my "safe" place to vent, but I have done far too much of it.

And I express anger, when I am hurting the most.

And I am hurting. Badly.

I am lonely and isolated.

I have so many obstacles and burdens to overcome that it saps every bit of energy I can muster.

I have not known peace, security or a stable life now in over a decade.

Yes, over 10 years.

And it has taken everything I have. All the strength I possess, to merely survive.

Please forgive me for my outbursts and my anger.

At times, I don't know what to do anymore. So I let it all out.

You deserve better from me than that.