Carrying Guilt

Very germane subject for me right now.

I've carried a ton of it around with me for oh, about 5 years now.

And yesterday, I dumped it all. Out in the open. I exposed my greatest failure of character and of will that I have ever done, in the death throes of my marriage.

While my ex-wife was in the midst of her second affair, with my next door neighbor, I met someone online. I gave into the attention, and ended up having a short affair of my own with her.

Some people already knew this. I had told my ex-wife, my parents, my adult children, and seven very close friends.

I was unable and unwilling to reveal this to all until just yesterday. And I fully realized the cost of doing so.

Now, I could have kept this a secret, probably forever.

But that did not serve me. While it angered some, enraged others, and caused a good number of people to hate my guts, I was willing to let that come.

Because I couldn't hold this one any more.

In order for me to have a new life, I had to come clean. And the cost will be huge.

I will blame no one for their feelings against me. Do as you will.

But believe me. Those rebukes will not sting anywhere near the pain carrying this around with me has done to me. I have beaten myself up over this failure for years. I wanted SO badly to be able to go back in time and just NOT DO IT.

What I also realize this will do in the minds of many is undo all the good I have done. This is all they will remember of me.

But some will still see the good man that I am.

Yes, I am a good man. A loving, caring, gentle and kind man.

Who made a very bad decision. A harmful one.

This wasn't a mistake. It wasn't an accident. I have to own it. And I do.

But there is another piece to this story. It's not a mitigation. It's not an excuse. But it damn well explains how someone like me can do something like this.

The lesson I have learned about myself is that if I am pushed to the very limits of what I can endure, that I am capable of things I never would have believed possible. To look at it from the outside is impossible. You have to get into the mind and soul of a person to understand how and why they do what they do.

The last 10 years of my marriage was hell on earth. And I don't mean that it was unhappy.

It was filled with verbal, emotional and physical abuse against me. Multiple affairs by my ex wife. It was a living fucking hell. I cannot even begin to describe what took place. By the time I came to the decision to have an affair of my own, I had become for lack of a better word, a prisoner in my own home, basically locked in a basement office all the time.

(For the record. I have forgiven my ex-wife for this. I have not forgotten it. But I have forgiven it. The burdens of her life, her horrible childhood, and dealing with being Bipolar caused it. I know she did not want to be that person. )

I locked myself in there. Because I couldn't take it anymore.

By the time I was ripe for this stupid decision, I had given up all hope. I could not see anything. I could not see a future. I was sleep deprived for years. Exhausted. In pain. Miserable. And I wanted to die.

I had thoughts in my head of homicide. Of suicide. I wanted it to stop. I could not stand it anymore. I had been pushed to the absolute breaking point. I was broken. Completely. Not a shred of who I was had survived.

And then, someone comes along and gives me attention, strokes my ego, makes me feel better about myself. And I jumped. And I failed.

In one moment, I threw away 28 years of devotion and fidelity. I compromised myself to the point I never would have believed myself capable of.

I am not that man. It does not define me. But I did do it. And it is something I will regret the rest of my life. But I won't carry it around with me like a sack of sand on my back, allowing it to crush me and make it impossible to be that good man.

Some will forgive me, and some already have.

Others will not.

I've been told by a few that I should not "blame" my circumstances for what I did.

No, I blame myself. If I didn't, I would feel no guilt or shame. And I do.