Reflections in the rear-view mirror.

They are closer than they appear, supposedly.

For me, there is truth in that.

No matter how hard I put the pedal to the metal, there it is.

The past, as much as we try to distance ourselves from it. It's always there.

I've been running at maximum RPM's and sucking down the Octane-laden fuel for a while now. That fuel is primarily Ethanol based.

I need to put the past farther behind. Yet it creeps up on me all the time.

I guess I can't escape it.

I try to deny that what my life was supposed to be, versus what it is...is irreconcilable.

The one beneficial thing all of this provides, however, is the impetus and motivation to keep trying harder.

In my writing, and in my photography.

I told a friend just yesterday....If I was in a relationship, in love, had my own home and was happy...this book would never get written.

I now understand the lament of many much more successful authors than I can ever hope to be.

They need the connection with pain and loss to express themselves, and to find that creativity. When all is good in the world, and we are loved and content and happy, we lose the edge.

It is only in the wanting of it. The loss of it. The regrets. The pain and the wistfulness.

That we can seek the best inside of us, to defy those things which we held so dear, and which elude us.

As Dante said, so eloquently.

"There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery a time when we were happy".

That sorrow allows us to find the beauty and good in the world, because our soul thirsts for it. Because we crave it so intensely.

I find that in my photography. In being out there. In writing the words that express how it feels.

The price for being able to be our best, means having to experience life when things are at their worst.

I'll glance out the window and see the past gaining on me. It never seems to disappear.

But that doesn't mean that I won't push the pedal to the floor and find that starlight in the trees, lining the road ahead.

I was listening....

To iTunes, and Eddie Money:

I Wanna Go Back:

I was listening to the radio
I heard a song reminded me of long ago
Back then I thought that things were never gonna change
It used to be that I never had to feel the pain
I know that things will never be the same now

I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

I recall hanging out on Friday night
The first slow dance
Hoping that I'll get it right
Back then I thought I'd never ever stand alone
It used to be that a lonely heart was never shown
I know that things will never be the same

I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

Can't go back

I can't go back

I know now that things will never be the same

I said
I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

No, No
And do it all over...

How did I get here?

This morning got me thinking. A lot.

I am moving on and my life keeps changing. For those of you who have followed this blog, or know anything about the last few years of my life....

You know that change and overcoming big obstacles has been the story for me.

Just 4 short years ago, I was married, had a beautiful home of my own, and a long career.

So much has happened. So very much. So much so that it sometimes overwhelms me if I think too long about it.

What struck me today was how different I am. How I never saw myself here.

About 2 weeks ago I got notice that one of my photos was an honorable mention (complete with prizes to be awarded to me), in a national contest. The "Share The Experience" contest for the National Parks and Wildlife Refuges of the United States. It's quite an honor. One of 15 winners, out of many thousands submitted, from all over the country.

Yesterday I came home to an e-mail from a prestigious magazine and organization that I belong to. Ducks Unlimited. They are the leading organization for the conservation of wetlands for support of waterfowl, in the world. They are HUGE.

I submitted 3 photos (the maximum allowed) to their magazine photo contest.

I am a winner. One of my shots was selected, and will be in the edition that highlights the winners of the contest.

I am absolutely thrilled by it.

I also discussed the possibility of being a regular contributor to the magazine with the photo editor. It's looking possible.

So, my dreams of doing nature and wildlife photography as a career are starting to look more possible. I am very encouraged.

But as I move forward, my heart aches a bit.

I wish I had someone to share this with. Someone to love.

I feel that loss very powerfully now.

I have not been successful in love in my almost 52 years on this planet.

I am not relenting in my pursuit of my future.

But after all I have experienced (and lost), I see me taking this trip alone.

I won't stop. I love what I do. I will do all I can to make it.

But I can't help feeling that it will be a life where I do what I love, as a completely solo pursuit and existence.

So while the forces that drove me to pursue the birds and my photography with a passion are paying off, or appear to be on the verge...

It is a stark signpost for me that the future lies ahead, by myself.

In a couple of years, I plan on living in NY State in Catskills, in a home I build on the property we have there, on a gorgeous little lake.

I will have my cameras, my dogs, and my home, finally.

And I will learn to love a life of solitude.

Pondering

Tonight I received a friend request on Facebook. From a girl I dated and had a relationship with after my divorce, a few years ago. The relationship ended badly (due to her deception) and was a crushing disappointment to me at the time.

I accepted the request.

Not sure why.

Maybe out of curiosity.

But what struck me after visiting her page on Facebook was that she not only had pictures of her with a man, but that she was now married.

I often wonder.

Do people want to get back in touch with you when things are going great in their lives, just to show you what you "missed out" on?

To let you know they are happy and content and "miss their hubby so much" as she says in her most recent update, as he is away on a trip, evidently.

The thing about me few people get is that after all I have endured and lost, that nothing really can phase me. It's just more shit to pile on the heap.

I am so devoted to the course of my life, in writing this book...and in pursuing my photography, that nothing is going to upset my apple cart.

It doesn't hurt me that she has moved on and found love and a husband.

I don't regret breaking up with her, and so much has happened since then that it really pales in comparison of the other life-altering events that I've experienced.

Maybe it'll be nice to be "friends" with her again, in some sense.

But what is most telling for me, is that I don't feel much.

After all this time, I was surprised to see her request, that's for sure. But I don't have any other feelings, other than just curious to know what's up with her I guess.

My perspective on life is so different now.

In the past, I would have had an emotional reaction to something like this.

Now, I just put it in the pile with the ashes from the rest of my life.

On another note, since I am pondering here....

I used to love my iPod. Even though it had an engraving from my ex-wife, it was so great to have all my tunes with me. It recently bit the dust.

So, although I am dirt poor, I finally ordered a new one, for a couple of reasons.

One, so I could have my music with me.

The other is because it supports the i-Bird application, which for me is beyond cool.

It's the new 32GB iPod touch.

I had it engraved.

Don't Ever Quit
Follow Your Dreams.

I found him there.

I found God in nature. That's where we talk. I have a connection with the birds and the animals and God's creation. We talk to each other. Well, at least I talk to them. :) On some level, I understand them. And they seem at times to know me. The only reason I have been so blessed with so many amazing photographs is because they and God wanted me to see and to have them. I know that sounds bizarre, but I know it, I can feel it, and I have been blessed unlike anyone else who goes there. The things I have seen and photographed. Others I know keep asking me how, when, where did you get that?

The incredible things that have been shown to me. The scenes I've witnessed. Some of it just because of persistence and time. But there is an almost intangible force at work. A force that I can now almost feel and understand.

That has renewed my faith. It was the only way God could reach me. All of the pain in my life and the job from hell being the last straw, led me there. As if directed by God himself to GO and see, and to believe.

And I went.

And I saw.

And I believe.

New Beginnings

After 7 grueling, emotional, overwhelming and draining days of moving and cleaning my old place...I am nearly done.

I have tons to unpack, but me, my 2 American Eskimos and one Peach Faced Love bird are here with dad.

And about 80 boxes, assorted bags, and 2 cars still filled with crap.

It has been beyond overwhelming for me.

In moving out, I came across pictures and artifacts from a life gone by. Wedding proof pictures. My kids when little. Their school artwork from grade school (15 years ago). The glasses from our wedding dinner. Photos of me and my kids with my mom and dad when mom was still alive.

I tossed so many things in the garbage it was almost criminal.

This is what it's like when you aren't moving because you're moving up.

It's what it's like when you're being uprooted and tossed like you're in the path of a tornado.

For 10 years now my life has been a full blown gale.

I'm now in with my father. We share meals. We talk. We share. We argue a little.

My dogs are happy here.

There are boxes everywhere.

Once again pieces of my life and all my belongings...are God only knows where and in what box?

I live as if blown about on the wind. It's been like this for so long I almost no longer care what makes it with me...

So long as I have...

My dad.

My dogs.

My children.

My cameras.

My passion.

My indomitable spirit.

If there is one lesson that has been drilled home with me it is how to lose.

So many things again ended up in a dumpster. Or in someone else's hands.

Each time, I lose more and more and watch it all whittle down and slowly disappear.

But I have all I need.

My new beginning is one where I have had to come full circle and lose everything in life and learn to take one hellish loss after another, and keep going on.

Tonight I sat in my old apartment. It is all but empty.

I left one thing up.

There is a white board that used to have instructions for my daughter on taking care of the dog, where the mailbox key is, and other reminders.

There is one phrase left there, on the top of the board.

In this dirty, dusty, and messy empty apartment that used to be my home for the last 3 years or more, hangs a board with 3 words.

Don't. Ever. Quit.

I haven't. And I won't.

Ever.

Back living with dad.

Well, for the most part I am moved in with my dad.

Yes, it's traumatic and exhausting. For both of us.

My dogs are here with me...and they love the place. They are already at home, and by my side in the bedroom chewing on rawhide treats as I write this.

I'm on my laptop for the moment. The rest of my supercomputing cluster will be operational in a day or two. I have closed the heating vents in anticipation, as the heat from the computers alone will keep the room plenty toasty.

It's another transition in my life. And for my dad.

He's been alone for a year since my mom died.

I've been living alone almost as long. (my daughter moved out a year ago).

The move was grueling. The mess at the old place is unbelievable, and I have a week's worth of work in getting remaining things out to here or to storage, and having some help cleaning it.

It was never a permanent home (my townhouse), but it was mine.

There will be things about it I miss.

But already, after a little over a day with my dad, I already know this was the right thing to do.

He's been eating frozen dinners every night.

Tonight, I made him a delicious fresh gourmet meal (I am an accomplished cook).

We worked together today clearing more things out of the townhouse. We talked. We shared. We sat down to meals together.

The dogs came to him and he enjoyed petting them and spending time. He's happy.

I'm happy.

I'm back in the same room I was in about 4 years ago when my ex-wife filed a restraining order to get me out of the house (in order to continue her affair with our neighbor and have me gone). I spent a year here back then.

It feels strange to be here again. But with my mom now gone a year, and things being what they are...it feels good.

I like having my dad here. He likes having me here.

We can share again. We can talk. We can be together, and we can be apart so as not to get on each other's nerves. (I have the upstairs loft).

Still, I wish the TV wasn't on as much as he has it.

There will be things that get on each others nerves.

But as a whole, this is all good.

I'm glad I'm here.

He won't be here forever. So, now... I want to spend that time with him.

I'm going to now be able to concentrate on the book, and getting things rolling once again.

There's no place like home.

And that place, is where the people you love,

Live.