Change

In my life, it never seems to come in gentle waves.

No time to adjust gradually, or to ease into something new, or different.

It is always comes at me like a freight train.

Either I leap and hang on and try to get control of it, or I get plowed under.

Just yesterday I found out that I will be working again. Got a job offer.

In a place I've never been. In a big city. A long way from the refuge. A long way from here.

It's fast, it's noisy, it's crowded and congested. The drive to get there is insanely long.

The job itself? High pressure. Results expected, quickly. Lots of learning to do to be able to be an effective consultant for them.

I will go from being home most of the time, and visiting wildlife refuges with my cameras, to a 5 day a week long commute to an intense IT job in a big city. Overnight.

I am sure I will be exhausted every night.

But this is not something that is an option. I needed this job, desperately. Without income, on unemployment, living with my father, in a house than needs to be sold soon. The pressure and worry of that was bearing down on me.

For 14 months I have been unemployed.

In that time, I have worked on my photography, made many new friends, had hours upon hours out in nature and exploring what I could.

But you can't have a place to live, food on the table, or even a chance at a life, by doing that.

At this point in my life, having undergone so many disastrous events....so many life altering changes. So many huge losses. I don't like sudden change.

It scares the shit out of me. I never know what's coming. And I have to try to adapt, and often, overcome.

This has conditioned me to be so very gun-shy. Instead of excitement over something new and potentially wonderful, I have to fight back the ugly doubts and fears of what could go wrong. How will I do? Will I be up to the task? Will I be miserable? Can I handle this?

I'm all out of choices. No more options. This is the path I must follow.

My world has been rocked so many times, that what my soul craves is peace and calm. A steady stream. A gentle wind.

Now, I must protect that desire and the dream of that life, by taking on a new challenge. I can get to that life, someday. Maybe not all that far down the road.

But I have to gather all my strength, push back all the fear. Work like hell.

And accept,

Change.