Not to share my heart.
Employers might find this blog and run away in fear, because I am so emotional and "unbalanced".
Fuck them.
I will share what I feel tonight.
My mom. How I miss her so. The only person to stand by me no matter what. She understood me. She cared as nobody else ever has. Right now, she and I could have a conversation, where we both understood where we are, and why we are, and what we feel, and what we hoped, and what we dreamed.
I am surrounded by some well meaning friends. They want to help me, by chastising. By admonishing. Telling me to "just get over it". To "move on". To not allow the past to bring me down.
It must be great to sit on that lofty perch, with your life going great guns. With you having a great job, a loving boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. Money in the bank. A nice, comfy home. Makes it easy to look down at the downtrodden and tell them to just get over it. To just pull themselves up from the abyss, and make a new life.
Never having had to do that themselves, they speak with such authority.
The clueless.
They find their inner arrogance and declare that since their lives are working and that they have it all going on, that I simply need to do the same.
After all. Follow their example. If they can do it, anyone can. Right?
I want, fervently.
For those who have it all.
To lose it all.
I want to stand in front of them, toe to toe, once they have lived this life, and stood in these shoes, to look me in the eye.
And then preach to me.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Try.
When you finally reach hell, you will understand.
It is not that I don't want a better life. It is not that I don't try.
But you have no concept. No frame of reference.
But I can bring you here. So that you can see.
Let me take all you have. Everything.
Let me strip your life of everything you held dear.
Then stand in front of me and tell me to suck it up.
Oh, you can't?
That is because you are on your knees.
Once you can stand, then you can talk to me.
Not before.
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Exactly...they should see what it feels like. I can only agree there, I get irritated by talk like that often, even though sometimes its meant with kind heart, but it depends how it is told, in most cases they don't even want to help, they just laugh their ass off in reality.
ReplyDeleteOh the arrogance...
Like today I have been told by this complete idiot at Unreal community, that "assholes like you are infecting the game" exact quote more or less. I have done much more for the game than he has ever done, helped so many popular servers and been there for the people, when times weren't that bad. He is nothing, compared to me. That might sound arrogant or narcistic, but it is true, he never cared for quality, yet people call his work innovative...he can't even code either, but of course because he and majority of unreal community people have opinion about me then it must be true and I must be punished. They can all go to hell with their groupthink. He also said that I am pathetic if I think I am the best who can do the Unreal PSX conversion good. That he knows so many people who are better than me. Yeah? I've seen it, they wouldn't even bother doing so much work and I am sure I am the best for the job, I have proved it and I make it decent and as much as bug free as possible. You can hardly find someone as perfectionist as me, there are few like that in the community(like three only), but they completely surpass his idiocy. But whatever I am not doing it for that stupid corrupted community (yet he claims i am the one who is corrupted, but not the worst), I am doing it for people who care and can appreciate quality, even outsiders, who are not active online at all. They should all go to their knees in front of me and beg me for forgivness, because next time I am releasing something from past etc, I am not sharing it with them. They are not worth such relics. People say I cannot win such battle, with the idiots over there. But at least I can make them fear me and it is already happening, they are shutting the fuck up. And it's them who loses in the end.