Where fighting to survive become an effort in futility.
As of today.
I have no income. Other than unemployment insurance, which will run out sooner or later.
I have no home.
I have been out of work for over a year. And every interview I have, every application I submit is met with disinterest.
I have nothing left to stand on.
I will declare this. Loud and clear.
If it is the same by next year, I will no longer be here.
I guess it is time to face facts.
I cannot persist in this battle so that others may gain strength from my fortitude.
I am growing now to no longer care.
I don't care what inspiration you get from me as someone who never quits.
I want peace in my life. I want love. I want some measure of security. I want to be cared for, and cared about.
I want and need help.
And barring that, I will take matters into my own hand.
I have had enough pain.
It has been now, over a decade of loss and of a broken heart.
I do not wish to live this life any longer. I will give it a year.
And that is all.
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This really distresses me. I've been following you for so long because you do give me hope and you don't even know it. I'm willing to bet there are so many others' who draw inspiration and strength from you.
ReplyDeleteHang on...just a bit longer.
I couldn't even begin to list all the shit in my life that seems bound to consume me...fuckit...I won't let it. Am I happy...not quite. Do I have a strong pair of arms waiting for me at the end of a tiring day...no In fact, I have no life as most people know it.
My dad died of colon cancer a little over a year ago with us taking care of him at home...nightmare but I wouldn't change it. My mom is now sick and can't get around so I'm here for her as well. No lover, best friend, someone to accept me warts and all but I'll be godamned if I let it crush me...I'm lonely, frustrated and want to scream at times but I try to hang on for that small shred of hope...that what if....what if it finally happens and I didn't wait long enough. Please know people you don't even know have come to care about you very much.
Thank you for this comment. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I am not alone in suffering or having to deal with very hard times.
ReplyDeleteI keep hanging on. Today was a day where I had a chance to be rejuvenated...because I took my camera and went out to a gorgeous place (Barnegat Light), and shot over 2300 frames. I even met some photography friends there.
So long as I have that, so long as I can do that, I can hang on.
Your post here means a lot to me. I needed to hear it.
Thank you.
I have just seen your last posts, I want to somehow help you, too, but I don't know how. It would be terrible if you died and if you would, I would go and rant around and try to force open people eyes, because it would be the society that kill you in the end.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't understand either, there are people who have it all, and they can say that you can change it suddenly if you try hard or if you take different look at your life. BS. I don't believe in miracles like that, maybe I have lost hope, but how could words heal me fully? They can't, they can make me feel better inside for while, but that's it. I am stressed out of my future too, I have no money, I planned to get out of this country, for a better and stabler future at the better european countries (and there are only few), but things keep getting in the way and I really hate it, I hate it all. Damn beraucratic crap. And I will be forced soon to fill out some "papers", which distress me and I think is intrusion of privacy as well. I wish they all could go to hell with it all. Really.
I am sorry things are sucking that badly.
ReplyDeleteSadly I can relate and I too have a sell by date in mind.
You're very welcome. I was a bit emotional when I wrote that but just wanted you to know you're far from alone in your feelings.
ReplyDeleteJust hold tight to your group meetings and the friends' that share that interest with you...it may seem like a small thing...but believe me, it's what makes life worthwhile.
Hope today is a better day.
Thanks, Leo. You are a good friend. I know that you have faced many incredibly difficult times as well.
ReplyDeleteTammy, it is hard to do this for days, then months, then years on end. It wears down your soul. I feel for you. I truly do.
Sam,
Yes, today was a better day. And as long as I do hold onto those times and those people and friends, I can make it. At least, I believe I can.