Butterfly Lane

A road. Through the deep woods, near Maple farms, and a babbling brook. In the Catskill mountains of NY.

10 years ago, my daughter son and I, along with my (then) wife, would visit it. And for years before, every time we came to the lake and cabin.

It's real name is Peas Eddy Road, in Hancock, NY.

But it will always be Butterfly Lane to me.

For it was there, nets and jars in hand, we caught many gorgeous butterflies. We'd bring them back to the cabin. Look at them. I would sketch them. Then we would set them free.

Today, after all that has gone by. Divorce. Loss of family. Loss of so much.

I took my beautiful daughter, now 23, down that road once more.

And there were butterflies. Beautiful ones. And I captured them. This time, with my camera.

And a part of me healed. As I brought the past together with the present.

And my daughter looked out upon familiar ground, with new eyes.

And we enjoyed the beauty. The tranquility. The incredible views. Together again.

It's been a long 10 years. It's been beyond painful.

But today, I felt my heart fill up once more with the joy and promise I once had, those many years ago.

The world. Nature. The trees. The rolling brook. The clear blue skies, the warming sun.

God lives there. And he heals us through them.

The one abiding constant of this world is that nature is ever present. Alive and filled with the power and the beauty of all that Mother Nature can muster.

And if we are open to it. If we become one with it, it heals us as nothing else can.

Because we are all connected. The tiny butterfly. The beautiful but transient flower. The water that carves it's way through the rocks and mountains over thousands of years.

If we let ourselves become part of that once more, we find and feel in ourselves the wonders of creation and of the endless eons that have passed.

We are all nothing but stardust. Ever single living thing. Every rock, every leaf on a tree.

And when we find that connection, wounds heal, and the incredible power of the force of life fills us.

As it did, for me. Today.

The night wind.

At the lake. During the day sometimes, it can get really warm. Never blistering or oppressive, but sometimes hot and humid. Just like back in Jersey.

But at night...

The gentle cool breeze blows in through the windows...

Cooled by the ancient forest that surrounds me. The calm and cool water of the lake itself.

It's refreshing and rejuvenating.

As if the force of nature and life breathe a cooling soothing balm in me, for my soul.

These trees have seen generations of people and animals before me, and the current denizens of the wilds here.

And their shade and their leaves, and the cool, moist earth beneath them are always alive.

And the ages that have come before me lie under my feet as I walk on the forest floor.

And at night, when this world is silent.

That breeze...filled with the memories and observations of 1000 years.....feels as if Mother Nature herself wants to remind me.

That no matter what, there will be someone here to remember me. If only in the branches of these ancient pines. Or in the reflections of the water, that have been here eons before I was born. And will be here long after I leave.

Let's Stir The Pot. No, lets fucking obliterate it.

This is going to be a really tough one to read. So, if you are family or close and are afraid of what I may say, then back out now.

I have totally fucking had it with my life as it now stands.

For months now, I have been alternating between wallowing in self pity, and striking out with optimism for my photography, and my writing.

But the world. My world. Has come down to this.

I have to fight for my future.

And there will be casualties. But I am determined, and nobody, and nothing, will stand in my way. So help me, God.

I have stopped the descent into hell and into depression. And I have finally done what I need to do. What I have had to do, all these years, to survive.

I am fucking angry as hell. And I am not going to take it anymore.

I am not going to accept my situation as what I have to deal with. Or be patient. Or pray. Or get on my fucking knees and beg for some divine help.

I am going to act.

And that means I may have to be a bastard at times to some.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY will control me or my future.

I have tremendous obstacles to overcome. And burdens to shed.

So expect some drastic changes coming from me.

I am going to look to move from where I am to another part of the country.

I am going to find work in a field that is rewarding and profitable enough to start over.

And it will be painful. And it will mean that things get sacrificed in order to do so.

But I am weary of being the man people feel sorry for, or people expect to be.

It's my life. It's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever.

So, get with me.

Or get the fuck out of my way.

Because if you don't, I will run you down.

Had. Enough.

You are either with me. Or you are my enemy.

Because if I do not do this now. I will not make it. And I refuse to die. And I refuse to go down without one hell of a fucking fight.

Bring. It. On.

The Lake

I am sitting at the kitchen table, in our family cabin at The Lake. We call it that because...well, because that is all we need to call it.

It's got a name. But it doesn't matter. It's just The Lake.

My mother served me many dinners and breakfasts at this very table. We sat and chatted on evenings just like this one, over a wonderful dinner of fresh corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers with olives (my mom believed in a REAL relish tray). Steaks searing on the grill outside, the smoke wafting in through the windows. The sun setting low in the sky, reflecting off the calming water outside this very window. The one I gaze out of at this very moment. Days just like today.

Gone forever. Except in my memory.

Bitter Sweet.

Those two words don't belong together. Connected. Because they aren't.

The first is how it feels now to have her gone. And never coming back. The second is only how we feel in our memories. And it brings on the former. We feel hurt for what we have lost.

And I have lost so very much.

I love it here. The good memories outweigh the fact that there are so many days lost forever. And the future that I have laid out before me...well, it just feels so much better being HERE for it. Than being anywhere else.

I had a house of my own. I had gardens and gorgeous furnishings. I had a wife. I had a family together under one roof.

I had a mom and dad, both alive and both able to be with me.

I had a job. A career. A good job.

I had hopes and I had dreams.

I watched them all die.

I have tried mightily to forge a new life. And taken so many hits.

I've talked about that here at length, and I don't want to trod over already well worn paths, but I cannot help it.

In recent days I declared my affections for a woman I have known for a year.

A woman who may never be able to join me here at The Lake. For circumstances make it impossible now for us to even be together alone. Let alone, be together miles from home, here at the place I so dearly love.

So while I see such good in this world and such beauty. While I continue to hope and pray. I find myself left wanting and yearning.

As it seems I will always be.

I am enjoying this time up here with my daughter. Such an incredible, gorgeous, intelligent, and amazing young woman. More talent and ability than most could ever dream of, lives inside of her. I am beyond proud. She is all that any man could ever want.

And I as her father, while keeping at arms length to not interfere with her life as a young adult, wants to defend her and protect her, if I can.

It is wonderful to be back here at The Lake with her. The last time she was here, she was 13. With me and my parents and her brother.

She is now 23.

10 Years.

It is the watermark of when my life began it's descent into hell. And I have tried with all I have since then, to climb out and see a piece of heaven.

But as I sit here now looking at the golden sun reflecting on the still water in front of me....

I see and feel the losses and the years.

My mom is gone.

My marriage is gone.

My home, my career, my finances, my life as I knew it.

Is so far gone.

So many things of late have given me hope.

My photography is going well. My writing is going well. But there is still no money. No income. And my ex needs her alimony, every month. And my pension when it comes due in 3 years.

What I see as I sit here and enjoy this incredible scene is overwhelming in it's magnitude.

I see the past and all that I loved. I see my mother and growing up here. Where I have been able to go since my parents held me in their arms as a baby.

Fifty Two years later, I sit at this table on a computer, connected to the internet, typing these words.

And I wonder.

And I wish.

And I hope.

And I dream.

Of times gone by. With smiles and laughter and good food. With family and friends.

And I try with all my might.

To believe.

Taking the chance.

In my life, I have opted for the long shot.

I have met with rejection after rejection in applying for jobs in my field of expertise.

So, I dedicated myself to nature photography. What I love. What I am good at.
And I work hard to make it a reality.

But what I want in my life, is for someone to take that kind of chance on me.

To go all-in.

To risk it all to win.

With me as their partner.

And here I sit, and wait, and wonder.

Will there ever be a woman so inclined?

Will she decide that I am worth the risk?

I can only hope.

But it takes tremendous strength and hope to make that kind of leap.

I realize that.

I have the advantage. I have already lost it all in my life.

So, I don't fear what may come, because there is nothing worse that anyone can do to me.

I anxiously await a person who is willing to do the same.

And to join me.

For what a life it would be.

Risking it all to win. Together.

To dream.

What I want you to see.

In my work.

I want, more than anything...

For you to see life.

To see these creatures which have breathed new life into me...alive.

I want to convey them living and breathing and hunting.

Mating and courting.

Living their lives, and at times, even showing us thing we arrogantly assume that only we and a few primates are capable of.

Love and affection.

Devotion.

And playing, just for fun.

Birds have been here on this earth for more than 60 times longer than we have.

For us to believe that they are primitive or incapable of things we assign only to ourselves is arrogance of the worst kind.

If I accomplish anything in this life.

I want you to see.

I want you to feel.

I want you to believe and to get out there yourselves and marvel at these amazing creatures.

And connect with them.

There is much they can teach us.

Never Ending Pain

Yesterday, my daughter and I talked for a bit on the ride home.

The ride home from her therapist.

She is 23. Beautiful. Intelligent. Witty. Artistic. Just an amazing young woman.

But the conversation turned to something which just ripped my heart out.

She told me, finally, that that the counselor she is seeing is a woman who deals with childhood sexual abuse.

Now, I know (now) about the rampant and pervasive incest in my ex-wife's family. I found out way too late about all of it.

But to make a very long story short, she (my daughter) had questions for me. About that family, about the people involved, what I knew.

So I told her.

And I had to sit in that car and listen to my little girl tell me of the weird dreams and memories she has. And of some very specific memories she has of some former in-law family members.

From when she was all of fucking 5 years old.

You have no idea how much I hate the fucking world right now.

How I wish to god I could dig them up just so I could kill them.

And some still live. Protecting their "secret". Their fucked up, warped, and dysfunctional existence, based on incest.

And I sat there for all those years oblivious to it all.

For me, the word in my life now has been "powerless".

I could not nothing then, because I knew nothing. I couldn't see.

And I failed.

I could not protect my children.

I could not protect myself.

For all that I have suffered. For all the losses I have absorbed.

Nothing on this Earth can heal the wounds of not being able to stop hell. To be able to do what I needed to, in order to save my children. And myself.

I sit here now screaming at God and the fates and trying to make sense of it all.

Trying with all I have to find the good. To persevere. To fight the good fight.

I have never felt more like Rocky Balboa.

A shot at the title. If I could only beat the champ.

I have the heart.

I have the strength.

I can win.

But it's too late.

I can only survive the onslaught.

And I watch and I see. Pain. Suffering. Loss.

Not just in me. But in the lives of those I hold more dear than even my own.

And it kills me.

Heading to the Cabin and The Lake

In a few days, I will be going back to the last home I have.

A place I have gone since I was old enough to walk. Even before. In the arms of my mother and father.

A beautiful place. With water and gorgeous mountains, millions of years old. A lake that has felt my hands and feet paddle in it since I was a small boy.

A place my mother dearly loved. It was her parent's place, some 55 years ago.

My mom reconnected with life and with nature there. It was her salvation. Her solitude.

And now it is mine.

But she still lives there.

My mom is gone now well over a year. And that wound in my heart has not healed.

I will open the door this Friday. Step inside. And the smells of the old pine paneling. The photos on the refrigerator. The 20 year old calendar still hanging on the door to the bathroom...

Will bring me back.

It's home. After all the hell my life has been. It's home. It's the place I go to when the chips are down. When the world is stacked against me.

And it gives me strength.

The beauty of the woods, the streams, the lake itself. The quint old town that is close by. Where I know the shop owners. Where I went when I was just a boy. I now go as a man. A man of 52 years.

There is a lifetime of memories there.

Of times I had.

Of dreams I had.

The thoughts and memories of a life gone by.

My mother in the kitchen at the cabin. Preparing dinner as the winds waft in through the creaky old windows, the sun setting over the lake.

I can still smell the goodness. I can still see her smile.

I can still taste that incredible food, that always tastes better.

At the lake.

In the Cabin.

My home.

Bring Me To Life (Evanescence - Amy Lee)

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

In My Dreams

In my dreams.

My son and daughter wake up in the morning, and come to the breakfast table.
We're having a wonderful breakfast. All the trimmings. Another gorgeous summer Sunday, we're going to go swimming in our pool, and then maybe a nice drive to the country.

In my dreams.

They wish us good morning. "Hi mom, Hi dad...love you!". Followed by a hug and a smile.

Billy's heading off to work tomorrow at a great Salon, where he's got a shot at being a partner very soon. Going to get his own place. Sure will miss having him around, but I'm so happy for him. He can always come home and visit and stay in his old room anytime he wants.

Jenni is finishing her degree in English. She's gotten noticed for her incredible writing, and there's a good chance a publisher will pick up her poetry collection. She's going out with friends tonight. Later on, they'll all stop by for a night-time swim in the pool. I'm running out to get pizza from Naples. Everyone loves their pies.

My wife and I are going to take some "us" time and just relax. We're close to retirement, and so looking forward to more time at the cabin, and taking some trips to see what's out there.

We are so blessed.

In my dreams.

My photography has taken off, and I'm going to be getting published in a National Wildlife magazine. Who knows, I may get hired to do some contract work for them, and travel the country on assignment from time to time, after I retire.

My wife is looking great, and she's so happy. She's got plans for a new garden in the far corner of the yard. A shade garden, where we will put a Gazebo in the spring. She's heading out to catch a few rays on this gorgeous day, and after I finish some yardwork, I'll join her for a swim.

In my dreams.

I come down the stairs on Monday morning, ready for another work week. I don't mind, because I love the job. I'm going to retire soon, but I'll miss the challenge and all the great people I work with.

The sun is just rising and beaming through the windows in my breakfast nook. My wife's already at the stove, surprising me with a hot breakfast of bacon, eggs and an English muffin.

We sit down, and chat a bit about what we're looking forward to for the day. She's going to do a few chores around the house and then head out with a few friends for lunch and some shopping.

I'm really looking forward to some alone time for us, so we're heading to the cabin in a few weeks. It's great that I have so much vacation after all these years. I think we're going to go for 3 weeks. A real chance to just relax and take it all in.

Life's been so good to us. It's going to be great in our golden years together.

In my dreams.

My mom and dad are coming over this Saturday for a cookout. We're going all out. Filet Mignon, Shrimp, and all the trimmings. Dad's doing great and he's thinking about taking mom on a trip down to Puerto Rico with him. He's got a consulting gig there and he'll have a lot of spare time to spend with her. It's gorgeous there, and she's never been to the Island before.

In my dreams.

Life is grand. I'm in love. My wife is awesome. My home is beautiful. My kids are heading out in their life, happy and successful. My parents are healthy and all is good in the world.

In my dreams.

And then, I wake.

There are no sounds, other than the whistling and churning of a searing wind.

I pull back the shades, to the red, dusty and barren scene in front of me.

I wake.

To discover. It is August, 1945.

And I'm in Nagasaki.

Being a friend. And learning how to say no.

This is a hard one for me, but it's becoming increasingly necessary for me to do.

I have many friends, mostly online, and they are good people. And, I keep meeting more people and gaining contacts as I work on my photography, or organize my meetup.com groups. (I now run 2 of them).

And what inevitably happens is that friends come to me asking for help with something. Or advice. Or just wanting to talk.

And sometimes now, increasingly, I have to say "No, I'm sorry. I can't help you right now" or "I can't talk with you right now".

That's because I have to try to do my work, and try to get a business going with my writing and photography. Not to mention the other pressing issues I face from time to time.

It's not easy to do, because as a friend and just in general, I do like to help people.

But what happens when you are someone that people like to go to for counsel, advice, or just a shoulder to lean on is that it eventually reaches critical mass.

I cannot help everyone, all the time.

And this happens because none of the people coming to me for this and that are aware of the good number other people wanting the same thing. Often at the same time. And the more you are a good friend, or helpful, the more people tend to go to you.

So, it becomes a cycle where you end up being the person overwhelmed with people wanting something from you. And as much as I want to help (in most cases), I have had to learn how to say "No" a hell of a lot more now.

Because if I don't, I can't get anything done at all. And I have to.

I am surprised that a lot of people just don't realize this, too.

I have a couple of friends who act surprised when I tell them that I can't do what they want. Or help. Or talk. I would like to believe that people are aware of the fact that I only have so many hours in a day. And now that things are indeed ramping-up for me, I don't have the time to indulge everyone.

What galls me to no end is the following. At the risk of pissing some people off.

Most if not all of my friends know that I have no job. That I pay a huge alimony which takes most of my unemployment check. That I live now with my 78 year old father. That we are bleeding money. That I am poor, and have no means. That I am working like fucking HELL to get out of this.

And then they come to me, and want a photograph from me for their father/brother/sister/husband/wife....

And want to know if I can do it for 25 dollars.

Here is the answer.

Fuck NO. I can't.

If I were sitting pretty, making a nice income and doing well, I could indulge my friends and do them "favors" by getting them a cheap deal on my work.

And I don't LIKE charging friends full fare for my work.

And then it fucking hits me.

They wouldn't go into a gallery or a store and look at a 200 dollar framed print, and ask the owner if they could have it for 25 bucks.

But they WILL ask me. Because I am a friend. And they figure, what the heck, he's a friend and he'll get it for me cheap, because I'm his friend.

Well, that doesn't help me eat.

And what bothers me is that while these people KNOW that I fucking starving here, they still want the "deal".

So, here's how it is.

If you would like to purchase my prints, pay full price. Happy to deal with you.

And here are the prices:

8.5x11 Print only. (No mat or frame) - $65.00 plus shipping.
11x14 Print only. (No mat or frame) - $75.00 plus shipping.
11x14 Framed and Matted (Black 1 inch, white rag mat, 16x20 frame) - $175.00 plus shipping
24x36 Canvas - Select prints only (see website). - $450.00 plus shipping.

If you want help with your computer? $65.00 per hour plus parts.

Why?

Because I can't afford to give charity anymore. I have to take care of myself. If I don't, I won't make it.

So, I say NO a lot now.

And that's a shame.

People sometimes knowingly and sometimes just through sheer ignorance don't realize that they are taking advantage of friendship. And I wish they would wake up.

If you want to "help me" in my pursuits, than dig into your wallet and pay me what you would pay anyone else you DON'T know for the product.

Otherwise, please stop asking.

I don't have any more blood to give. Gotta plug the leaks.

Living with a broken heart.

In all my years, I hate almost to admit it.

My heart is broken, and it's never going to heal.

There's just too much that time cannot erase.

I hurt every single day. And I try, every single to day, to put band aids on it.

In the form of birds and sky, water and grass and trees.

Through the lens.

Every sight and every image goes deep, and fills me up. If only for that day.

That is why I will take every day, for the rest of my life...

And watch the birds.

And listen.

And see.

It's my life-support.

In hard times, people rise to the occasion and battle adversity.

And I did that.

For a lifetime.

And I realized that the battle is a lost cause. That fighting the inevitable only makes us tired and drained, and at the end of the fight, we are dead inside.

So, I listened to a friend who said...

Stop fighting. Let what comes, come. You are fighting God's plan for you, and if you let it happen, He will show you the way.

And he has. I have been pushed in every conceivable way to follow this path.

And I fill my heart up every day I am out there.

Because in God's creation there is love, peace, and joy.

To mend a broken heart.

We Dream in Color

(wake up, wake up, wake up, time to dream)

(wake up, time to dream)

We dream, we dream, we dream in color


Wake me up in the middle of the night, tell me what you've seen
Ivory clouds in a sea of blue, fields of endless green
But we lie here and we search for stars
Or big bad letters all the way from mars
The sky is black and the moon is pale, and we cry for this world of ours

In the dark we still believe (oh you know that we still believe)
In the dark we see

We dream in color - but we live in black and white
We dream in color - like a rainbow in the night
We dream of peace, we dream of love, but still the dream is not enough
We dream in color

Oh yes we dream

I wake up in the middle of the day, locked within this cell
The sun is weak on the gun gray street, a cold and concrete hell
So I close my eyes and remember the days
Of a blood red sky and a purple haze
The flag was yours and the flag was mine, but we let it fade away

In the dark we still believe (oh you know that we still believe)
In the dark we see

We dream in color - but we live in black and white
We dream in color - like a rainbow in the night
We dream of peace, we dream of love, but still the dream is not enough
We dream in color

This is where it all comes down, this is where the truth is found
Someone's gotta keep this dream alive

We dream in color - but we live in black and white
We dream in color - like a rainbow in the night
We dream of peace, we dream of love, we dream of life!
We dream in color

We dream in color - we dream, yes we dream
We dream in color - but we live in black and white
We dream in color - and hold on to each other
We dream in color - lover to lover, sister to brother, we hold on

We dream in color
We dream in color - we dream
We dream in color - we dream...

The Refuge and I

More than ever now, it is my place for filling up my heart, and refreshing my soul.

The stresses of life are bearing down, and the time is running ever shorter.

I am working hard on not only this book, but on many other avenues that have opened up for me. A wonderful Gallery and Store in Brick, NJ (Point B Gallery) is featuring me as a visiting artist for the summer. Complete with a product line of canvases and fine prints, greeting cards, and maybe one or two other things.

While it is wonderful, it's not something that will produce a livable income.

And therein lies the urgency, and the issue.

Without money, and a good deal of it, nobody can survive in this world today.

I used to be that man. Making a nice six-figure salary. Of course, I mostly hated the jobs and the work. But it provided.

And now of course, at 52 years old and without a degree, and 100 job applications later, the phone never rings.

So, I head to the refuge. And nobody understands how vital that is for me.

It became the last hope I had when the days were darkest. I'd leave work and drive the almost 90 miles to get there by 6PM so I could shoot for the rest of the gorgeous evening light in summer. After working 9 hours and the 2 hour commute in the morning.

When I got there, the fatigue melted away, and my spirit was lifted. After I wiped away the tears, I put the camera to my eye, and started absorbing all the incredible things I would see.

When you have nothing left to lose, you go where nobody cares if you have anything to give. And that is the refuge. My refuge. My home.

I now know that place better than the people who manage it. Better than the Biologist who work there. Because I have had the time, and taken the keen interest in observing all there is.

Over 200 days now in the last 18 months alone, it has been my world. And over 200,000 photographs later, I have seen more than most will in a lifetime. And there is so much more to see.

I can find the Night Herons in Night Heron Corner, as I like to call it. And know the "Peregrine Trees". And where the Great Blue Herons catch the really big fish. Where the Snipe hide out. Where the fox dens are. Where the 4th Thistle plant is on the right after you make the turn onto the East Dike, because it has tons of buds and will be great for Goldfinches in August. Where Skimmer Alley is, and what times to get down there to watch these amazing birds skim the glassy water for fish.

And the "Tern Gate". That's where the Forsters Terns love to fish. More than any other water control gate in the refuge.

I know where the Wood Ducks live, and when the best time to look for Red Tailed Hawks is, and where.

And Eagle Alley. The directions they are most likely to come from and what time of day. What time of year.

Where the Osprey go to do a lot of their fishing in the afternoons, usually after 3PM.

I am part of that place, and I know it intimately.

And it is part of me.

So much keeps happening in my life. Some very good. Some very bad.

While I pursue my dreams, and have friends encourage me. I have family deride me.

Those who I have never met cheer me on and believe in me.

Those who I grew up with declare that I am nothing more than a drain on my father, and a foolish man pursuing something that can never succeed.

And I have the refuge.

Where I will go tomorrow morning for the break of dawn.

With more wonderful things to see. More amazing photographs just waiting for the right moment, and a steady hand and good reflexes.

If I have nothing left in this world, I will spend my last 20 dollars for the gasoline to drive my truck there and spend the day there.

And few people understand how someone could feel that way.

But if you've lived in hell, you know what heaven looks like.

Something I rarely do.

Talk at all about current events, news or politics.

But this one just can't escape my notice.

The oil rig disaster.

And the profit-driven way in which it is being handled.

The loss of human life was horrendous.

The loss of animal life, and what is to come for the environment there?

Catastrophic.

And we are told this is "not a disaster".

Please try...I mean really try, you oil company executives, politicians and business analysts...to say that with a straight face.

And if anyone believes you, shame on them.

There are no effective methods to deal with oil spills and leaks from wells or giant tanker ships. None.

The reason for that is twofold.

One is that it is a liquid being released into the ocean. That's akin to trying to gather up a bottle of cooking oil you spill in your jacuzzi. Good luck with that.

The other reason is that nobody bothers to invest in the kind of advanced measures and technology required to prevent it in the first place, or to build things capable of containing the leaks. I am sure it would not be cost-effective for an oil company. It might end up costing a billion in research and development to do so.

Millions of birds and animals will die as a result, and a huge and vital ecosystem will be all but obliterated for decades.

The impact on a purely emotional level, caring for the welfare of living creatures is huge to me and many others. It is suffering on a scale in wildlife terms such as humans have suffered at the hands of brutal regimes.

The impact to the diversity of life, the food chain, the balance of the interdependence of wildlife, plants, plankton and nutrients for them is incalculable.

Nature is capable of withstanding and reacting to many harsh changes, occurring over long periods of times.

But is ill equipped to deal with the reckless hand of man, who can destroy it all in the time it took me to write this blog.

3 Years and counting

Today is a watershed for me.

June 1st.

In exactly 3 years time, I can collect my lump-sum pension from the job I held for nearly 30 years.

It is a long time. A lot can happen in 3 years. All I have to do to realize that is look at the last 3 years.

But I am now counting down.

I will mark every day, week and month until that day arrives.

Because on that day I will have my freedom. And I will be able to build a modest home for myself at the lake.

Where I will live out the rest of my life. In peace, in the midst of nature's beauty, in the last place on Earth that I can still call home.