The Lake

I am sitting at the kitchen table, in our family cabin at The Lake. We call it that because...well, because that is all we need to call it.

It's got a name. But it doesn't matter. It's just The Lake.

My mother served me many dinners and breakfasts at this very table. We sat and chatted on evenings just like this one, over a wonderful dinner of fresh corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers with olives (my mom believed in a REAL relish tray). Steaks searing on the grill outside, the smoke wafting in through the windows. The sun setting low in the sky, reflecting off the calming water outside this very window. The one I gaze out of at this very moment. Days just like today.

Gone forever. Except in my memory.

Bitter Sweet.

Those two words don't belong together. Connected. Because they aren't.

The first is how it feels now to have her gone. And never coming back. The second is only how we feel in our memories. And it brings on the former. We feel hurt for what we have lost.

And I have lost so very much.

I love it here. The good memories outweigh the fact that there are so many days lost forever. And the future that I have laid out before me...well, it just feels so much better being HERE for it. Than being anywhere else.

I had a house of my own. I had gardens and gorgeous furnishings. I had a wife. I had a family together under one roof.

I had a mom and dad, both alive and both able to be with me.

I had a job. A career. A good job.

I had hopes and I had dreams.

I watched them all die.

I have tried mightily to forge a new life. And taken so many hits.

I've talked about that here at length, and I don't want to trod over already well worn paths, but I cannot help it.

In recent days I declared my affections for a woman I have known for a year.

A woman who may never be able to join me here at The Lake. For circumstances make it impossible now for us to even be together alone. Let alone, be together miles from home, here at the place I so dearly love.

So while I see such good in this world and such beauty. While I continue to hope and pray. I find myself left wanting and yearning.

As it seems I will always be.

I am enjoying this time up here with my daughter. Such an incredible, gorgeous, intelligent, and amazing young woman. More talent and ability than most could ever dream of, lives inside of her. I am beyond proud. She is all that any man could ever want.

And I as her father, while keeping at arms length to not interfere with her life as a young adult, wants to defend her and protect her, if I can.

It is wonderful to be back here at The Lake with her. The last time she was here, she was 13. With me and my parents and her brother.

She is now 23.

10 Years.

It is the watermark of when my life began it's descent into hell. And I have tried with all I have since then, to climb out and see a piece of heaven.

But as I sit here now looking at the golden sun reflecting on the still water in front of me....

I see and feel the losses and the years.

My mom is gone.

My marriage is gone.

My home, my career, my finances, my life as I knew it.

Is so far gone.

So many things of late have given me hope.

My photography is going well. My writing is going well. But there is still no money. No income. And my ex needs her alimony, every month. And my pension when it comes due in 3 years.

What I see as I sit here and enjoy this incredible scene is overwhelming in it's magnitude.

I see the past and all that I loved. I see my mother and growing up here. Where I have been able to go since my parents held me in their arms as a baby.

Fifty Two years later, I sit at this table on a computer, connected to the internet, typing these words.

And I wonder.

And I wish.

And I hope.

And I dream.

Of times gone by. With smiles and laughter and good food. With family and friends.

And I try with all my might.

To believe.