My closest friends.
Years ago, we were tight. We were close. We spent time speaking with one another, and interacting as a group.
All very, very close.
Today, 5 years later, we barely speak. Yes, we still care. But the truth is, everyone has moved on.
Everyone except me.
My dearest friends.
I barely hear from them anymore at all.
They have their lives. They have their future. And as time went on, they moved on.
And I sit here with the message board I created for all of us to talk on, in private. And we became very close.
We leaned on each other and talked about the most personal and important things that we could not share, sometimes even with family or spouses or significant others.
I now look at that board once a day.
And there is nobody left. If there is one post every month, it's a lot.
And half of the those friends never post there at all anymore.
Obsolescence.
All of my friends have moved on. Either with new significant others, or with their husbands or wives. And they're very busy.
And I spend another night in this empty house. The ghost of my mother the only company. My father no longer lives here. He is with his new love.
And what I hear, every evening?
The sound of the computers and a fan that I have next to my bed.
Guess it's time to take the dogs out for the last time this evening.
And then head to bed.
I feel old and obsolete.
And I like somehow the entire world has moved ahead, and I was left behind in the same exact place.
It's like "Groundhog Day".
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
This Christmas....
Will be the second without my mom.
And this time, it will also be without my dad.
Or my kids.
And I have been divorced now, 5 years. So there is no wife.
My dad has a new love. And he is so happy. And I am happy for him. He will be spending the holidays with her and her children. (and grandchildren).
And for the first time in my life, I will be where I truly belong.
At the refuge. With my cameras.
I will greet Christmas morning and sunrise with the birds.
I will finally be home for the holidays.
And this time, it will also be without my dad.
Or my kids.
And I have been divorced now, 5 years. So there is no wife.
My dad has a new love. And he is so happy. And I am happy for him. He will be spending the holidays with her and her children. (and grandchildren).
And for the first time in my life, I will be where I truly belong.
At the refuge. With my cameras.
I will greet Christmas morning and sunrise with the birds.
I will finally be home for the holidays.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Awakening
There comes a point where you realize what your life has become. Where the dreams and illusions of what you once dreamed of fade, as they should, to expose the reality of who and what you are. And where you are.
When all the deeds of others and of your own converge to bring you to this point.
Having been the victim of horrendous and painful things, and having done wrong to others during my life.
The future now is blurred through the tears I cry for myself, and for those things lost. For those I have hurt. For the hurt I have endured.
This life is so intensely painful. So overwhelming hurtful.
I reach up and out and try to find the good. The peaceful. The noble. The best in me.
I cherish my friends. While I mourn the losses.
In this life, I have been told I was never good enough.
Good enough.
And what I have learned is that none of us are.
Not good enough.
Not what we could be.
Not what we might have been.
To look back now and see the mistakes. The misguided choices. The lack of understanding.
The failings.
Not just of others, but of ourselves.
Then we look to the future, because to gaze on the past serves only to keep us there.
But it is a wistful hope.
We look to the future, as if there is redemption, healing and forgiveness there.
And all too often what we find there is that it simply more of the same. That no matter what we do, we may never be good enough.
As I grow older, there is far less ahead than behind.
So, my perception of unlimited possibilities is constrained by the limits of my human existence.
I am 52 years old.
As I continue to age, the time left becomes smaller and smaller.
The opportunity to reclaim a life. To acquit myself. To find peace.
Diminishes every day.
I will wake tomorrow before the sun to go visit a good friend, and to share the wonder of the birds and of nature.
It is my refuge.
I may never find the answers. I may never know that life I once dreamed of.
But I will find peace, if only for moments in time.
For one thing that life has taught me.
Cherish the moment. For we may never pass this way again.
When all the deeds of others and of your own converge to bring you to this point.
Having been the victim of horrendous and painful things, and having done wrong to others during my life.
The future now is blurred through the tears I cry for myself, and for those things lost. For those I have hurt. For the hurt I have endured.
This life is so intensely painful. So overwhelming hurtful.
I reach up and out and try to find the good. The peaceful. The noble. The best in me.
I cherish my friends. While I mourn the losses.
In this life, I have been told I was never good enough.
Good enough.
And what I have learned is that none of us are.
Not good enough.
Not what we could be.
Not what we might have been.
To look back now and see the mistakes. The misguided choices. The lack of understanding.
The failings.
Not just of others, but of ourselves.
Then we look to the future, because to gaze on the past serves only to keep us there.
But it is a wistful hope.
We look to the future, as if there is redemption, healing and forgiveness there.
And all too often what we find there is that it simply more of the same. That no matter what we do, we may never be good enough.
As I grow older, there is far less ahead than behind.
So, my perception of unlimited possibilities is constrained by the limits of my human existence.
I am 52 years old.
As I continue to age, the time left becomes smaller and smaller.
The opportunity to reclaim a life. To acquit myself. To find peace.
Diminishes every day.
I will wake tomorrow before the sun to go visit a good friend, and to share the wonder of the birds and of nature.
It is my refuge.
I may never find the answers. I may never know that life I once dreamed of.
But I will find peace, if only for moments in time.
For one thing that life has taught me.
Cherish the moment. For we may never pass this way again.
Monday, October 25, 2010
News in the world of Bird Photography.
Which is what this blog should be about, really.
This week, I'll be displaying about 20 of my best photos at Celina's Mulberry Market & Grill, Sunrise Plaza, 68 W. Jimmie Leeds Road, Galloway, NJ (08205).
http://www.celinascafes.com/
The photos will be there for at least 6 months, I am guessing. If they want to keep me around longer, I'd be happy to mix things up and put up some new photos from time to time. I'm happy to be a part of their place. It's a new-age sort of cafe with an incredibly diverse menu. Everything from Hummus and Veggie wraps and Chai Tea to Corned Beef Reubens to Steak dinners. The clientele is from nearby Stockton State College, the medical center that is close by, and all of the doctors and professional offices around that location. It is also only 4.5 miles due west of the refuge where I do most of my shooting, so much of my work will be very relevant to the people in the area.
I've just been invited by The Lighthouse Center (NREF-NJ) to have a table for display at their upcoming "Autumn Adventure" day there. I'm always thrilled to be there. I've displayed on "Waterfowling Day" there in the Spring for the last 2 years.
http://www.experiencebarnegatbay.org/
Autumn Adventure Event Details:
December 4, 2010
Autumn Adventure & Volunteer Recognition
Join the EBB Board of Directors for the Annual Open Meeting and covered dish.
This year another very special attraction -- Bob Birdsall presents "People of the Pines" presentation and book signing.
In addition to all of that activity, I will be having a show of my photography during January and February at the Barnegat NJ Branch of the Ocean County Library. This year, I am teaming up with Nancee Jo Luciani, a good friend and premier bird and decoy carver. She will be displaying her incredible birds and some of her other artwork at the library along with my photographs.
http://theoceancountylibrary.org/branches/BGT/bgt.htm
All of this takes a lot of photographs and frames to accomplish. It's quite the challenge when you're broke and unemployed. But I am finding a way. And I am excited to be a part of it all.
This week, I'll be displaying about 20 of my best photos at Celina's Mulberry Market & Grill, Sunrise Plaza, 68 W. Jimmie Leeds Road, Galloway, NJ (08205).
http://www.celinascafes.com/
The photos will be there for at least 6 months, I am guessing. If they want to keep me around longer, I'd be happy to mix things up and put up some new photos from time to time. I'm happy to be a part of their place. It's a new-age sort of cafe with an incredibly diverse menu. Everything from Hummus and Veggie wraps and Chai Tea to Corned Beef Reubens to Steak dinners. The clientele is from nearby Stockton State College, the medical center that is close by, and all of the doctors and professional offices around that location. It is also only 4.5 miles due west of the refuge where I do most of my shooting, so much of my work will be very relevant to the people in the area.
I've just been invited by The Lighthouse Center (NREF-NJ) to have a table for display at their upcoming "Autumn Adventure" day there. I'm always thrilled to be there. I've displayed on "Waterfowling Day" there in the Spring for the last 2 years.
http://www.experiencebarnegatbay.org/
Autumn Adventure Event Details:
December 4, 2010
Autumn Adventure & Volunteer Recognition
Join the EBB Board of Directors for the Annual Open Meeting and covered dish.
This year another very special attraction -- Bob Birdsall presents "People of the Pines" presentation and book signing.
In addition to all of that activity, I will be having a show of my photography during January and February at the Barnegat NJ Branch of the Ocean County Library. This year, I am teaming up with Nancee Jo Luciani, a good friend and premier bird and decoy carver. She will be displaying her incredible birds and some of her other artwork at the library along with my photographs.
http://theoceancountylibrary.org/branches/BGT/bgt.htm
All of this takes a lot of photographs and frames to accomplish. It's quite the challenge when you're broke and unemployed. But I am finding a way. And I am excited to be a part of it all.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Truth.
Here is the unvarnished truth about my years on SI. (Survivinginfidelity.com).
No holds barred. No punches pulled. This is what I did. And what I did not do.
I want to put this to rest for once and for all. And let the chips fall where they may. I have watched as the owners and mods of that site have gone on a smear campaign in order to rally support behind them, and to approve of my banning.
But more than that, they are so angry that they want to completely discredit me.
Here is the truth.
In 2005, shortly after joining the site, and during my ex-wife's second affair, I became involved with a member on the site. Not 2 months into my membership there. Angry, hurt, betrayed for a second time, I decided on having a revenge affair against my wife, and with this member. I own that. My decision. My plans, with this member. Yes, I did it. Not proud of it. But there you have it.
When I returned from the visit to this woman, which I did on a business trip to her hometown, I hated what I had done. I immediately ended things with her.
And she went nuts.
She stalked me and my kids, my friends and anyone she could find, for over 3.5 years. I received death threats. I had the police in 2 states involved, but nothing could be done without hard evidence.
She went after the owners of SI. She filed complaints with the IRS and Better Business Bureau because she had given donations to the site, and felt she had been duped. This woman was (and is) not all there. I had no idea.
I later found out through background investigations that she had been convicted in the past of criminal trespass and harassment. She also had stalked another SI member, driving 3 states away from where she lived to interrogate his neighbors, and to spy on his comings and goings from his own home.
When I was asked by the owners of SI about the nature of my relationship with this member, I lied. I did not confess the affair.
This is what they are SO angry about. They somehow feel that if I had told them it would have made some difference. As if I am responsible for the insane behavior of this person. I may have triggered it, but she was and is solely responsible for the resulting behavior. Whether or not I slept with her has no bearing on the responsibility for HER actions against others.
The owners of the site saw fit to ban me when I confessed this affair recently, on the boards.
And they had every right to. Not arguing that for a minute.
What followed however is reprehensible.
A member of that board recently posted that they missed me on the board. And that they didn't care if they got "in trouble" for saying so.
Well, trouble was an understatement.
The owner of the site took this opportunity to "explain" my banning and characterize me falsely and very harshly, in order to paint me in the very worst possible light. To insure that the loyal followers would now view me as someone who was completely disingenuous. And they did this by outright lies, and carefully chosen words that would paint me as an object of derision to be focused upon by the membership.
They claimed that they had to revamp an entire forum and change the rules of it, SOLELY because of my conduct. While I was one of many who in that forum who were scolded for being to racy, too much sexual innuendo (It was the "Dating" forum, for single and divorced people). There were many "offenders", and they roundly chastised virtually everyone in there with broad, sweeping statements about the people in it. I was nowhere near the sole reason. That is objectifying me as an object for people to focus on.
I was told in a Private Message from the site owners before my banning that "You violated practically every guideline on this site.."
The sniff test here doesn't wash. If I had been so egregious all those years ago, why didn't they just ban me then? It makes no sense at all. If I had been such trouble, then by all rights, they would have just shit-canned me then and there. Years ago, when they made those changes.
The other claim they made was that I exploited people and the site for my own validation, and used the term that I "bedded" 3 women from that site. It is very telling about the choice of words people use. They wanted maximum impact, and to tell a group of people there for healing from infidelity that I "bedded" 3 women is a carefully chosen way to insure to fire off triggers and anger in people faced with their wife or husband having "bedded" their affair partner. You take a group of people who are there healing from that, and use the catchword to inspire their wrath.
They could have said, "he had one affair which he confessed and then 2 long-term relationships" which is true. However, much stronger impact if you say what they did.
What followed from their official pronouncement was for members to extrapolate that to saying I preyed upon lonely betrayed spouses. That I was there for only my self-validation. For people to prey upon. I was then derided as a predator. They allowed anyone and everyone to have a say. And that is normally a good thing. But this was about a member who could no longer respond. So, the owners sat back and enjoyed the show. And when someone stuck their head in to question what they were doing, they were banned on the spot.
This is mob mentality, and an abuse of their power. There is no need to go to these lengths, unless you are looking for validation, support, and a bit of revenge.
The whole thing is ludicrous.
I had 2 relationships with members from that site.
Both long term. Both with CURRENT upstanding members of that site. I will not name them here, because if I do that publicly, they will almost certainly get banned. Even though the owners and mods KNOW of this, and have for YEARS.
One was with a woman who became friends with me in late 2005 and early 2006. That Summer, we started dating. Long distance. It lasted 8 months. She broke it off at the end of the year. We are still VERY good friends. My daughter and I had lunch with her not 2 months ago. I saw her less than two weeks ago. We shared a lunch, and hugs. And we talk fairly regularly.
The other person was and is a long-term member with a stellar reputation, who is widely regarded and respected on the site. She asked ME out in the Summer of 2007. This was also long distance. We dated for 15 months. I ended the relationship at that time. We are still friends, off the boards.
So, lets ask these 2 women. Did I prey on them? Did I "bed" them? I have a feeling their answer would be contrary to the owners and mods proclamations.
I have had no other involvement with members of that site.
In the interim, in the early Spring of 2007, I had a relationship that lasted a few months with a woman who lived in my townhouse complex. That is the extend of my involvement with women during the years on SI.
To reiterate. The mods and owners were aware of both relationships. They (the relationships) were kept off the boards for the most part, during the entire time. Neither participant in the relationship was banned.
To say I exploited people and preyed on them is the worst sort of slander. And the owners fueled the fire with their explanation, and then let the rest of the mob say whatever they wanted, true or not. Without me being able to say a single word in response. They are simply SO angry that I lied about the nature of the affair with the other member, that they are now on a campaign to not expose that (I already did that in my confession post), but to now try to rally support by painting me as the very worst possible human being.
It is revenge. Pure and simple. And being punch drunk with power. They couldn't stand it when someone said they missed seeing me on the boards.
They can say whatever they want. And I have no way of rebutting it. Or of even offering my side of the story.
No better way than to silence, and then to incite and encourage slander. And the loyal followers will thank them for the service they provide. Believe every word as if it were gospel, and worship them as if they are infallible.
Too bad.
They have maligned me in a way that was not necessary for their cause. Encouraged others by doing so to have at me with no ability to respond. There were two choices the mods and owners had when someone posted about me.
All they had to do was say that I was no longer a member for violating the rules, and then lock the thread. That ends the discussion, and allows things to fade away. For them as much as anyone.
But that wasn't good enough.
They needed a pound of flesh, and what better way than to incite the mob with false characterizations of a man who on the face appeared to be kind, caring and benevolent. Who helped countless people over the years there. Who was by no means perfect, but who was a good soul, and tried all he could to do the right thing, after doing wrong.
So, they created a campaign of discrediting and disinformation, and encouraged the mob to get in a few good shots.
And when someone, well respected on the site, called them on their behavior?
They not only mocked and ridiculed her. They BANNED her. Just like that.
Don't dare speak against the rulers. They will smite you.
And they did.
I know what I've done wrong in this life. And I've aired it all out, for public consumption.
But what they have done?
Is betray the trust of everyone on that board, in a way far worse than my affair in 2005 with a member of the site.
They lied by omission. They fabricated and falsely characterized . They did so to manipulate a membership who trusts them to have a safe place to post.
But it isn't safe, is it? Not when you can't trust the owners and moderators...
To tell the TRUTH.
No holds barred. No punches pulled. This is what I did. And what I did not do.
I want to put this to rest for once and for all. And let the chips fall where they may. I have watched as the owners and mods of that site have gone on a smear campaign in order to rally support behind them, and to approve of my banning.
But more than that, they are so angry that they want to completely discredit me.
Here is the truth.
In 2005, shortly after joining the site, and during my ex-wife's second affair, I became involved with a member on the site. Not 2 months into my membership there. Angry, hurt, betrayed for a second time, I decided on having a revenge affair against my wife, and with this member. I own that. My decision. My plans, with this member. Yes, I did it. Not proud of it. But there you have it.
When I returned from the visit to this woman, which I did on a business trip to her hometown, I hated what I had done. I immediately ended things with her.
And she went nuts.
She stalked me and my kids, my friends and anyone she could find, for over 3.5 years. I received death threats. I had the police in 2 states involved, but nothing could be done without hard evidence.
She went after the owners of SI. She filed complaints with the IRS and Better Business Bureau because she had given donations to the site, and felt she had been duped. This woman was (and is) not all there. I had no idea.
I later found out through background investigations that she had been convicted in the past of criminal trespass and harassment. She also had stalked another SI member, driving 3 states away from where she lived to interrogate his neighbors, and to spy on his comings and goings from his own home.
When I was asked by the owners of SI about the nature of my relationship with this member, I lied. I did not confess the affair.
This is what they are SO angry about. They somehow feel that if I had told them it would have made some difference. As if I am responsible for the insane behavior of this person. I may have triggered it, but she was and is solely responsible for the resulting behavior. Whether or not I slept with her has no bearing on the responsibility for HER actions against others.
The owners of the site saw fit to ban me when I confessed this affair recently, on the boards.
And they had every right to. Not arguing that for a minute.
What followed however is reprehensible.
A member of that board recently posted that they missed me on the board. And that they didn't care if they got "in trouble" for saying so.
Well, trouble was an understatement.
The owner of the site took this opportunity to "explain" my banning and characterize me falsely and very harshly, in order to paint me in the very worst possible light. To insure that the loyal followers would now view me as someone who was completely disingenuous. And they did this by outright lies, and carefully chosen words that would paint me as an object of derision to be focused upon by the membership.
They claimed that they had to revamp an entire forum and change the rules of it, SOLELY because of my conduct. While I was one of many who in that forum who were scolded for being to racy, too much sexual innuendo (It was the "Dating" forum, for single and divorced people). There were many "offenders", and they roundly chastised virtually everyone in there with broad, sweeping statements about the people in it. I was nowhere near the sole reason. That is objectifying me as an object for people to focus on.
I was told in a Private Message from the site owners before my banning that "You violated practically every guideline on this site.."
The sniff test here doesn't wash. If I had been so egregious all those years ago, why didn't they just ban me then? It makes no sense at all. If I had been such trouble, then by all rights, they would have just shit-canned me then and there. Years ago, when they made those changes.
The other claim they made was that I exploited people and the site for my own validation, and used the term that I "bedded" 3 women from that site. It is very telling about the choice of words people use. They wanted maximum impact, and to tell a group of people there for healing from infidelity that I "bedded" 3 women is a carefully chosen way to insure to fire off triggers and anger in people faced with their wife or husband having "bedded" their affair partner. You take a group of people who are there healing from that, and use the catchword to inspire their wrath.
They could have said, "he had one affair which he confessed and then 2 long-term relationships" which is true. However, much stronger impact if you say what they did.
What followed from their official pronouncement was for members to extrapolate that to saying I preyed upon lonely betrayed spouses. That I was there for only my self-validation. For people to prey upon. I was then derided as a predator. They allowed anyone and everyone to have a say. And that is normally a good thing. But this was about a member who could no longer respond. So, the owners sat back and enjoyed the show. And when someone stuck their head in to question what they were doing, they were banned on the spot.
This is mob mentality, and an abuse of their power. There is no need to go to these lengths, unless you are looking for validation, support, and a bit of revenge.
The whole thing is ludicrous.
I had 2 relationships with members from that site.
Both long term. Both with CURRENT upstanding members of that site. I will not name them here, because if I do that publicly, they will almost certainly get banned. Even though the owners and mods KNOW of this, and have for YEARS.
One was with a woman who became friends with me in late 2005 and early 2006. That Summer, we started dating. Long distance. It lasted 8 months. She broke it off at the end of the year. We are still VERY good friends. My daughter and I had lunch with her not 2 months ago. I saw her less than two weeks ago. We shared a lunch, and hugs. And we talk fairly regularly.
The other person was and is a long-term member with a stellar reputation, who is widely regarded and respected on the site. She asked ME out in the Summer of 2007. This was also long distance. We dated for 15 months. I ended the relationship at that time. We are still friends, off the boards.
So, lets ask these 2 women. Did I prey on them? Did I "bed" them? I have a feeling their answer would be contrary to the owners and mods proclamations.
I have had no other involvement with members of that site.
In the interim, in the early Spring of 2007, I had a relationship that lasted a few months with a woman who lived in my townhouse complex. That is the extend of my involvement with women during the years on SI.
To reiterate. The mods and owners were aware of both relationships. They (the relationships) were kept off the boards for the most part, during the entire time. Neither participant in the relationship was banned.
To say I exploited people and preyed on them is the worst sort of slander. And the owners fueled the fire with their explanation, and then let the rest of the mob say whatever they wanted, true or not. Without me being able to say a single word in response. They are simply SO angry that I lied about the nature of the affair with the other member, that they are now on a campaign to not expose that (I already did that in my confession post), but to now try to rally support by painting me as the very worst possible human being.
It is revenge. Pure and simple. And being punch drunk with power. They couldn't stand it when someone said they missed seeing me on the boards.
They can say whatever they want. And I have no way of rebutting it. Or of even offering my side of the story.
No better way than to silence, and then to incite and encourage slander. And the loyal followers will thank them for the service they provide. Believe every word as if it were gospel, and worship them as if they are infallible.
Too bad.
They have maligned me in a way that was not necessary for their cause. Encouraged others by doing so to have at me with no ability to respond. There were two choices the mods and owners had when someone posted about me.
All they had to do was say that I was no longer a member for violating the rules, and then lock the thread. That ends the discussion, and allows things to fade away. For them as much as anyone.
But that wasn't good enough.
They needed a pound of flesh, and what better way than to incite the mob with false characterizations of a man who on the face appeared to be kind, caring and benevolent. Who helped countless people over the years there. Who was by no means perfect, but who was a good soul, and tried all he could to do the right thing, after doing wrong.
So, they created a campaign of discrediting and disinformation, and encouraged the mob to get in a few good shots.
And when someone, well respected on the site, called them on their behavior?
They not only mocked and ridiculed her. They BANNED her. Just like that.
Don't dare speak against the rulers. They will smite you.
And they did.
I know what I've done wrong in this life. And I've aired it all out, for public consumption.
But what they have done?
Is betray the trust of everyone on that board, in a way far worse than my affair in 2005 with a member of the site.
They lied by omission. They fabricated and falsely characterized . They did so to manipulate a membership who trusts them to have a safe place to post.
But it isn't safe, is it? Not when you can't trust the owners and moderators...
To tell the TRUTH.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Spreading his vitriol all over the Internet..."
Okay, I spread my "vitriol". Here's the thread about me (Defiance) on Survivinginfidelity.com.
Make up your own mind about who spread vitriol.
----------------
Off Topic Post Reply Print Topic
User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
mybrokenroad
Member
Member # 20340 Posted: 4:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I MISS YOU DEFIANCE!!!!!
I miss your pictures of wonderful nature....they always brightened my day
I miss the raw emotional posts that only you could pen....you had a way with words that made it art to a point.
I miss the truths that you had...intrinsic truths that you shared...moments of clarity that you gained.
I know why you left....but i wish you would return if only to post the wonderful pictures!!!
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BH: 34
Me: 27
DDay: Oct 2008
DSS: 14
DS: 14m
R'ing...its going great. Will probably always have our triggers, but he is starting to trust again...what a wonderful gift i have been given!
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Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Indy
kdny
Administrator
Member # 760 Posted: 4:31 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Well since you don't care then maybe you'd like to join him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.” Maya Angelou
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Posts: 73755 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 4:42 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Defiance dated and bedded several women from the site. He's the sole reason we had to implement the No Dating guideline in the first place. Because of his inappropriate bahavior here, we actually had to rename and re-invent the Dating forum to NB.
We (MH and I)were personally harassed by one of the women he bedded. She contacted the BBB, the IRS, sent cards with hidden threats to our house (she found us through WhoIs and SI at that time was listed under our home address) and she harassed us so heavily with the IRS, the IRS ruled in our favor that it was a Harassment Campaign.
All the lies he's told on this site and all the drama he's put us through was more than anyone here should have to tolerate. And we didn't.
He made all sorts of promises to her the weekend that they got it on in a hotel. He used her. She got mad and went on the warpath to make him pay.
She felt we were responsible for the whole thing when she didn't get what she wanted from Defiance...that's why she started to come after us. For 3 years she was a steady thorn in our sides.
The banning was mainly for him posting about sleeping with yet another member from here...plus his lying to us.
You miss him...I'm sure you can find him out on the internet...still seeking validation from strangers.
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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795 Posted: 7:15 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I can understand missing the things a lot of people enjoyed about him here on the site.
But when the mods ban someone, there is always a really good reason behind it. They do a great job of keeping this a safe site - I've had first hand knowledge of them helping with this sort of protection (fortunately, only once, and it was really minor!)
I never knew all the goings-on with Defiance until DS posted this just now... but honestly.... it really wasn't anyone else's business. The times I've seen warnings about site members hooking up with other site members and there being problems over that, I was kind of surprised, because I'd completely missed the threads where that was going on, I guess. Or I'm really, really oblivious. Or both.
Sometimes a whole lot goes on behind the scenes that not everyone sees.
And sometimes, no matter how much we get to like a "person" on here, we have to remember that the person we've gotten to know is still only the words they've chosen to share with us, the character they've chosen to portray on here. While I do think most people are real and honest on here, that may not always be true.
And if the mods have to respond to that, we need to respect that and not make their jobs harder.
----
And besides all that, the one thing I always say about any site like this.... we are only here because the site's owners let us be here. If they decide one day they don't like the fact that I type ... in a lot of my messages and tell me I'm gone, well.... it's not my board, it's theirs. And I wouldn't argue with them about it, or expect anyone else to argue with them about it for me either.
I have my own web site, and I can put whatever I want on it. If I want to be here, I respect the rules of this site.
I don't usually do the "defend the mods" thing - I figure you all are pretty good at taking care of that yourself. But on this one, I just didn't really see the need for you to have to explain a whole lot of stuff that was really no one else's business. I would think that people would understand by now that when something like this happens, there are good reasons behind it.
And that people aren't always whom they appear to be... after all, isn't that a large part of why we all ended up here in the first place?
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Posts: 1466 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
summerbaby
Member
Member # 28879 Posted: 7:34 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Very well put osxgirl.
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And with a broken wing she still sings, she keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing she carries her dreams. Man you ought to see her fly!! - Martina Mcbride
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Posts: 1092 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Oklahoma
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375 Posted: 7:43 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I had no idea! OMG!
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Time is a train, the future, the past, you're standing in the station, your face pressed up against the glass. "ZooStation" U2
DDay? DWeek is more like it!
02-16-09 to 02-20-09
We put the fun in dysfunctional
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Posts: 2025 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437 Posted: 9:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I had no idea!
Me neither. I didn't even realize he'd been banned. I thought that after that last highly-charged thread he'd decided to leave. And I did wonder about it all...
To my chagrin, I, too, seem to be rather good at missing what's going on a lot of the time. (Even though I spend a LOT of my online time on this site!)
Thank you very much indeed for the explanation, DS. It sounds an extremely difficult situation, with much anguish for everyone involved. I am sorry.
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Posts: 1246 | Registered: Mar 2009
TryingToBreathe
Member
Member # 14935 Posted: 9:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Count me as one of the clueless. I guess that's why my XSO was so successful at fooling me for so many years. I used to have a tendency to think the best of people and never *saw* things that were happening right under my nose.
DS, thanks for sharing this information. I'm sure this whole series of events must've been a nightmare for you and MH. It seems as though you were left with no other choice than the one you were forced to take.
IRS investigation? Now that's just downright nasty and scary! I'm glad things worked out in your favor. Whew!
It's sad things had to work out this way but sometimes folks are their own worst enemy.
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Posts: 1548 | Registered: Jun 2007
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 10:08 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Wow, sounds like Defiance could make an eclair outta a turd....and you were waiting with a napkin to wipe your mouth after chowin' down on that load of bullshit....
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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R
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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 12:10 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow...
Someone posted something positive about D... and DS felt the need to use this public forum as a weapon to trash the man.
NO ONE had any right to that information DS. No one was owed an explanation. The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.
Even if everything you revealed was true... especially if everything you revealed about D was true... your decision to air it on this forum was a tremendous misuse of your power.
I know you're only human... and everyone fucks up. Please stay true to your intention to keep this site safe for everyone by not using it as a forum for your own agenda.
[This message edited by Danu at 11:26 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna
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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:27 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Omg.
ETA:
The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.
Really???
[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 11:38 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 12:33 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I am completely blown away at the amount of disrespect being shown on this thread for the very people that have come to our aide at a time when all of us have been at our lowest. Everyone has a right to free speech, but this is not a public owned message board. This board is owned and paid for by DS and MH. If you have a problem with a mod, it is disrespectful to them and to all of us that are here (either helping or hurting) to play it out on the boards.
Show some respect. For yourself and others. Geez.
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Breathe. Just breathe.
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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I agree. It's her site...if it was bad enough for her to say it...imagine how bad it must be IRL.
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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Moderator
Member # 12041 Posted: 12:42 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Hmm.. how to word this and not have to ban myself? What a pickle
Danu,
Why don't you tell us how you would have handled this situation? Clearly you've got it all figured out. So please, enlighten me..
The previous member in question is perfectly capable of spreading his vitrol all over the internet. And whatever version will suit him and the current audience I might add..
But how dare DS give even a smidgen of the truth of the matter.
Tell you what, next time you go to bat for someone, defend them, hire a lawyer to protect your website and deal with harassment for years, only to find out that it was all based on lies from the very member you tried to protect let me know how it feels.
I imagine it feels a little like a betrayal.
But how dare she use her own website to tell her side of the story.
Facebook is that way Danu.. I am sure you'll find some kindred souls with whom to share your tales of abuse.
[This message edited by metamorphisis at 11:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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ReconcilED :)
Married 06/08 :)
“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin
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Posts: 18900 | Registered: Sep 2006
strike3
Member
Member # 29593 Posted: 12:48 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Dear Mods,
Thank you for this site
Thank you for taking care of all of us
Thank you for all your work, courage and patience
I respect and value your decisions!
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The truth shall set you free! He refused to tell the truth - I set his ass free.
*****
I want to be in an honest and open relationship. If you cannot respect me or my needs then I will evaluate my desire to stay in this realtionship - Byron Katie
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Posts: 227 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: USA
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259 Posted: 12:57 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I for one appreciate DS & MH sharing the facts of what happened AND their "agenda" of protecting US, protecting themselves as they sadly were apparently forced to do, and thus being able to continue via this site, THIER site, to save SOOOOO many people, marriages, sanity and empower so many of us.
They deserve to be awarded.
[This message edited by SierraGrace at 11:59 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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BSO(me): 51! OMG!
♥ Fur-kids: 4 Cats, 1 dog ♥
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.— Joseph Campbell
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Posts: 756 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunny California!!
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129 Posted: 1:08 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Does it bother anyone else that it seems like Defiance was using the site the same way a predator does?
Finding a hurt person, making them feel good about themselves and taking advantage of them...
With all of the sharing of private thoughts and feelings, knowing that the mods and admins protect members from that type of behavior is a comfort.
They protected him and he used them badly. Now they are protecting other vulnerable people.
IMO: It is okay to miss a poster. It is not okay to bait the mods and admin by basically calling them out in a "public" display.
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Sam from Icarly,"Did you eat a big bowl of Crazy-flakes for breakfast?"
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light
D-Day Sept 2006
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Posts: 1000 | Registered: Jan 2010
WantOut
Member
Member # 13960 Posted: 2:40 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Yes, I was/am bothered by his predatory ways. But the good news is that I saw through him!
Do I miss his photos? Yes.
Do I miss his prose? Yes.
Do I miss his constant need for validation? HELL NO!
Shame on him for the turmoil HE caused. And this time, he can't blame his ex-wife!
I applaud the mods for taking a much needed step. I, also, see no reason why he shouldn't be "outed" here. It may prevent more heartache.
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Posts: 1361 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 3:09 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Geeze Danu...seems like you're taking his banning rather personal. Hmm....care to share more?
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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!
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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
trying to smile
Member
Member # 9683 Posted: 6:52 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I too miss his photos, I miss the man he portrayed himself to be.
In a way I feel betrayed again but on a lesser scale of course.
As a long term member of this amazing site I am often aware of undercurrents however am usually oblivious to what really goes on. I want to thank you DS for telling it like it is.
You protected and defended D when you thought he needed it just as you protect us all. You also protected us by calling him on his lies.
There have been times when you DS and MH have shared a little of the "behind the scenes" angst that happens on this site and I thank you for that too. The small window you sometimes open to show us a little of what you have to deal with helps to keep us all real about what goes on here.
This site is full of love, compassion and calling people on their shit. I for one hope that never changes.
tts
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Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.
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Posts: 5413 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: The Land Down Under
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921 Posted: 7:17 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I appreciate everything about this site. All the work the Admins, Mods, etc. do to keep this site running. If someone breaks the rules then consequences follow. Isn't that what we all speak of on a daily basis?
Love to all!
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WH - 43
BS (me) - 46
Son - 20
Son - 13
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
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Posts: 2297 | Registered: Nov 2007
aesir
Member
Member # 17210 Posted: 7:23 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Especially miss his dinner photos, though it has been a while.
I was not yet aware that he was gone, and apparently not of his own accord. It is unfortunate that these things had to be said after he was gone, and would like to hear his side of it (Actually I would prefer to have heard none of it). This is an emotional site, even for those who have recovered. The post itself was innocent enough, though the title was provocative, and I have seen enough bannings that people will not leave alone until they hear a story behind it to know there was little choice.
There are many members who have left in my time here, some of their own accord because it did not suit them, some because they had moved on to where it no longer served their purposes, and some who were asked to leave for the disruptions they were causing. It is okay to miss someone, their many good qualities, think of them fondly, and wish them well when they are banned. Out of respect for their many good qualities,if people are asked to leave, please do not post asking that their dirty laundry be aired publicly. One day I may snap, and not be allowed to return, and I would hope that those who remember me remember the good, and let whatever wrongs I have commited be laid to rest.
Farewell D. May you find hapiness in your future that makes up for the pain you have suffered.
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That which does not kill us makes us stronger... or causes repetitive strain injury.
I gots special gold wings, but the link broke. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=303448&AP=21
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Posts: 3930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
total idiot
Member
Member # 19380 Posted: 8:51 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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aesir that was a really good post. I'm not here often enough to know the details about all the members but I agree every person should b treated with some respect whether they are here or not.
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I hate this.
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Posts: 299 | Registered: May 2008
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 8:53 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Here's the thing... I'm one of the clueless ones on this board. I'm not batting for anyone, not judging, not taking sides because I have no freakin' clue about either party's "truth"... nor do I care.
The mods make the rules. This is their domain and if we want to be a part of this community we have to follow those rules.
A member broke the rules.
The member got banned.
AS IT SHOULD BE!
The mods exercised their
power by enforcing their rules... that should be satisfying enough for them... but the fact that DS had to spill the vitriol all over this board... all over us clueless ones... the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.
Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.
Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.
I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
The member who originally posted the thread should've been addressed and corrected in a PM... by dragging this all into the community, DS has done nothing but reinforced a presence that she was trying to banish.
It wouldn't matter who was involved, or what the details were. It would make no difference if this happened on a support board on the internet, in my workplace, or in my home... I'd speak out on the impropriety of it irregardless.
It's simply not right for someone in a position of power to use that power to meet their own agenda.
Yes, this is DS's website... and I'm as grateful for it as anyone... but it wouldn't exist without the community. When I see something that threatens the community, I should be able to say something about it, shouldn't I?
Or will I be silenced, banished, then publicly derided?
DS put this out for public consumption... if dissenting opinions are not allowed, then this site isn't what it potrays itself to be.
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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna
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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886 Posted: 9:14 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I, too, was a bit shocked to find that D had been banned BUT as for the "attacks" on DS...
From the details she gave, it's understandable why it happened and if she seemed to come across as a little vitriolic in the presentation of those facts, I think that is also understandable. Her and MHs life's work came under attack by someone who had been used by a former member. Kind of hard NOT to be a little vitriolic and defensive.
I think we all can agree that what she and MH have done and are doing is commendable and selfless and has helped literally thousands of people work through this mess we all found ourselves in regardless of what side we came from.
And it hurts to have that work used for selfish reasons as D seems to have done. That hurt, I believe, came through in the presentation of the facts by DS. She's angry at this betrayal just as any BS would be at the discovery. And remember, it wasn't just the site that came under attack, it was the two of them personally. The Admin and mods deal with crap on a daily basis and the results of Defiance's actions probably pushed DS just a smidge too far and she broke... just a little. But in no way should that negate any or all of what she and the mods have done over the years.
Just my two cents.
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BS (Cee64D) 45
WS (Me) 45
Don't look at how far you have to go, look at how far you've come.
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Posts: 2139 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Not where I was
tiredandsad
Member
Member # 9180 Posted: 10:19 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I don't see why DS is prevented from expressing her experience with a member. I lurk a lot and still missed most of the backstory. I'm actually glad to know that there are opportunists and to be wary -- yet another example of "be careful of believing what you see".
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Posts: 572 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Mass
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475 Posted: 10:59 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS,
Thank you for sharing the backstory. It explains a lot. I've been here since 2006 and, for a short while, was sucked into the Definace Drama. I wanted to help him but I quickly saw through his rants and his wallowings. There was no helping him.
I watched with increasing horror as he would go just to the edge of flaming, and then post a gushing apology ... just enough to keep him around ... just this side of banning. Imagine DS's position in all of this. Imagine her having to post - again and again - warnings about the consequences ... the personal consequences to her and MH ... about members hooking up ... all the while with him around posting about his failed love life.
Danu, has it occured to you that DS's posting the truth may serve the purpose of further protecting her members. We need to be aware of this kind of behavior. If she saves one hurting, vulnerable member from seeking out and comforting, and possibly being hurt by a banned member, then I'd say she is performing a service that is above and beyond the original mission of this site.
Be glad and be grateful.
DS and MH are among the bravest people I've ever encountered.
Wolf
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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens
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Posts: 6424 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344 Posted: 11:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Could not agree more, Wolf.
Many of us were sick of the attention-seeking antics and were aware of his behavior and hypocrisy.
Frankly, I think DS did a good thing by posting the real story. The fact that this type of behavior exists on this site and is dealt with by the mods on a daily basis, is something we all should open our eyes to.
[This message edited by Hope24 at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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In the depths of winter, I discovered in me an invincible summer.
~Camus
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Posts: 4845 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Western New York
travels
Member
Member # 20334 Posted: 11:43 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS and the mods keep us out of the drama, for the most part.
We aren't aware of all that goes on behind the scenes. I can only assume way more goes on than any of us are aware.
I suspect there is plenty more going on now about this situation in the form of PMs to mods and etc that we aren't aware of.
I think DS needed to set the record straight.
It's not like DS to talk about a member this way. If she felt the need to do it this time, well there is probably way more going on than any of us are aware of.
Thanks for this site MH and DS. I'm sure it often brings you insight, laughs, tears, and head shaking.
I'm sure there are other times that it makes you angry, sad, and . I can only hope the good outweighs the bad.
[This message edited by travels at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.
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Posts: 2550 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622 Posted: 11:50 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I hate drama. I hate conflict. But I have an opinion and will try to respectfully express it. Respectful discussion of dissenting opinions is an opportunity for growth. Being challenged without being attacked is how we evolve. Growth occurs if we self examine our opinions with an open mind which doesn't happen when attacked because being defensive only solidifies a position.
I am not defending anyone, as I am convinced that it is not necessary. The mods have proven time and again they are fully capable of defending themselves and others. I have never seen an act of attack or disrespect by the mods. I think the explanation given by DS was factual and to the point. There was no attack. It doesn't even read as a defense of actions taken. Just the facts ma'am.
Given my history, information is always welcome. I hate lies and omissions and I welcome having the light shined on behaviors that could negatively impact me or people I care about. I can deal with a painful truth and make the best decision for myself based on truth, not fantasy or idealism.
I cannot imagine running a site like this, full of hurting betrayed people who have NEED all over the place. The psychological drain alone, not to mention the time. I imagine the creation of this site and the continued management of it to be akin to raising and caring for a child. But I don't see Mama Bear behavior in defense of this site or the decisions made by mods. Just facts.
How many cheaters call having their truth shared an "attack?" (for sure mine does.) It is not an attack or vitriolic to share truth. Truth is not always kind or pretty. But there is no harm in truth. The action behind an ugly truth is the attack. I am reminded of the knee jerk reaction of blaming the messenger. How many of us don't share ugly truths because we don't want the fallout from being the bearer of bad news? I do not thank anyone who knew secrets and didn't tell me. I don't feel "protected" by those people. I feel betrayed by them. I don't need to know everything that happens behind the scenes. But every time I stumble across a topic that shows the work of the mods and the sacrifice at great personal cost, I am grateful for the opportunity to post here.
I don't like feeling betrayed. I don't like predatory behavior. I don't like anyone who takes and takes and takes advantage. I don't like excuses for bad behavior or justification for bad behavior. I know that this is based on my personal experiences. I am comfortable with that about myself. I welcome truth. I applaud the courage to share truth. I applaud and appreciate everyone who is willing to speak up, knowing that standing up is standing out.
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cg/BS- me 40
WH (SA)- 39 Stretch and Skew
DS 9 DS 6
11/09 online account found,downplayed
12/09 online again
5/5/10 email confession to PA's
5/20/10 Separated and he still lies
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Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2010
unfound
Member
Member # 12802 Posted: 12:06 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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ds told the truth about the situation. she didn't have to share that with any of us, but did, and I for one and grateful.
count me as among the "clueless" in this situation. but like anything (can't we all relate to this in some way??), once you know the truth, you can look back and see with a new, clearer, perspective and things start to make sense.
considering that for 3 years ds, mh and mods have been dealing with this off the boards, AND that they were sticking up for him, then to find out that they were defending him based on lies? again, can't we all relate to this in our own way?? hell, banning seems a small consequence.
then add on top the legal dealings??
ds didn't have to tell anyone about this. and to see it as some type of validation seeking is absurd. this whole thing was a potential threat to them personally and this site. in telling the truth to the people here maybe it will open some eyes and make people realize what ds and mh deal with on a daily basis....and still try to nurture and protect us and this site, even when some, through their own agenda, give them no reason to do so.
we talk about consequences here a lot. also about telling the truth. here is an example of both.
I for one don't particularly need to know what goes on behind the scenes here. it's enough to know that they deal with crap all the time, details are not important to me. but when someone has put this site in jeopardy, I'm glad that they have the cajones to call them on it...privately or on the boards. cause this is just as much MY site as it is anyones here. I'll protect it and defend it as much as I'm able. I can only imagine the protectiveness ds and mh must feel.
plus, if anyone doesn't like it, or how things are dealt with....I don't believe there's some magical force that automatically takes your computer to the sign in page...
jm2cents.
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ka-mai
*******************
cast in this unlikely role
ill equipped to act
with insufficient tact
one must put up barriers
to keep ones self intact
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Posts: 10429 | Registered: Nov 2006
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735 Posted: 12:20 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To DS, MH, the Mods, and all those who come here offering support, honesty and love...
Thank You
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Time will tell
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Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2009
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150 Posted: 12:24 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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What Wolf said.
And if anyone wants to look at his pictures you can go to his website.
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DDay: June 15, 2008
Married 22 years
20 years of OWs. WTF?? (!)
D pending. Starting over at 56.
Everyone please read: 'THE POWER OF NOW'!
"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." ~ Voltaire
Don't look back.
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Posts: 10085 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305 Posted: 1:34 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Please, put down your dukes. There is no reason to fight.
First, I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D. Its her opinion. Its how she felt. The following comment was a little harsh.
Second, though the reason he was banned may not be our business its probably best we know. Why? So we a)will not follow in those footsteps b) realise how lucky we are that DS and MH stood the storm to keep this site up for all of us who desperately need this place.
I had no clue what had gone on. I didnt know D was banned until I just happen to hear about it. But you know what? That "troll" thing now makes sense. NOW I know who it is.
Something else...the situation with D and the other woman (formerly a member) strikes me strongly of a ws and bunny boiler situation. It also put other people in jeapardy (DS MH and us, too).
This situation is what it is and whatever your stance, it must be respected. Its also time to move on and not fight over it.
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Me: 43
dd: 4
ds: 2-1/2
Last DDay June 1st 2010
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Posts: 3685 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NJ
UR_AN_IDIOT
Member
Member # 18764 Posted: 1:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D.
Maybe. I guess. But why stir the shit pot? There was enough drama in his exit thread. Why not PM a Mod to ask about it? Why bring it out in open forum and get everyone all riled up? What purpose would that serve? It won't bring back the things you miss if you are missing things.
And why say something stupid like:
I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
That is just disrespectful. Apparently she didn't care so no need for sympathy. I don't care means I don't care.
You are right sully. There is no need to fight over this because it isn't worth the time when there are hurting newbies pouring into JFO.
I for one don't want to waste anymore time on the ongoing drama of a banned member. I thought we were done with that.
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Me:BW 44
FWH 46
Married 22 years
DD 19 DS 17
Reconciling
Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
~Matt Maher~
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Posts: 4359 | Registered: Mar 2008
cass
Member
Member # 24261 Posted: 2:50 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Well said sully.
mybrokenroad stated that she missed a member who has been banned. Fair enough but why didn't she simply state that? Why did she have to say she didn't care if she got into trouble for making her statement? I think that was unnecessary and the reason kdny came back with a harsh comment. The comment was made from a protective (and knowledgeable) stance - harsh possibly but completely justified and understandable in the circumstances.
I don't understand why mybrokenroad states that she knew the reason for his leaving (the ban) but nonetheless wishes he would return simply to post pics?? This is not a bird appreciation society, it is a site for the support of extremely vulnerable and deeply hurting people.
Those who misuse or abuse the site have no place here. End of story.
I think DS was totally justified in making the members aware of the circumstances of the ban (because she decided it was best to, following the first post). That way no-one will question the decision (and no-one should). These mods know what they are doing and why. They have proved that time and time again.
Danu, I think DS made her comments because she WAS threatened and she DOES have a personal stake in this. We were ALL threatened by Defiance's actions and the consequences and ALL have a personal stake in this. Why call her out for publicly stating the truth when it was required? Her comments were neither vicious nor violent IMHO. This was not a reaction. I think it was a well thought through and much needed response. It sets the record straight.
I think the member who started the thread had a right to state her feelings but NOT that she didn't care if she got into trouble. It was that comment that started the ball rolling and has given it arms and legs!!!
I think kdny's response was harsh but justified in the circumstances.
I admire DS for making the truth available to us.
I appreciate SI and the GENUINE people who use and maintain this resource.
I hope Defiance finds peace and happiness somewhere but elsewhere.
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Me - 52 and doing fine.
Him - nonentity, hitting 60 and still in lalaland. Together 10 years.
Just remember this my friend, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars but still not see the light. Eagles
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Posts: 3273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 2:57 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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UR_A_I
WORD!!!
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Breathe. Just breathe.
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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 3:01 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
and you have that right??
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 3:23 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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My post was very cynical and I apologize if it was taken the wrong way. I meant that that mybrokenroad was being very deceptive in their post. You should never encourage the acts of a person who uses people or a site for their own needs. A person who has damaged others, whether its the moderators or members should never be seen in a positive light.
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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R
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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
hurting2much
Member
Member # 25643 Posted: 3:27 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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For what it is worth...THANK YOU to everyone responsible for the development of this site and the Mods for monitoring this site to make sure rules are followed--that is not an easy job. I'm sure you have to deal with much more "stuff" than I will ever know. But do know this...your hard work is truly appreciated.
Keep up the excellent site!!
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BW (me 46)
WH (52)
Married 23 yrs
2 kids (19, 16)
DDay Jan 09
NC broke Aug 09
R ongoing
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Posts: 554 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179 Posted: 3:46 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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First, thanks DS & MH for keeping the site and your motivation going. I'm sure there's been plenty of behind the scenes drama played out over the years. With so many members, how could there not? Didn't know there was THAT much drama though....sheesh!
I for one am glad to hear what became of D....as I would be to hear what happened to any member who I've "seen" fairly regularly over these years. You can't help but wonder what the heck became of someone...did they die? Are they in a severe depression? Are they really sick? etc. A "so-and-so will no longer be on SI" would meet my need for a complete Gestalt. Particularly if one isn't eat-sleep-and-breathing SI 24/7, you wonder if you missed the thread where ( ).
I'm saddened when people make bad choices. No one's 100% good nor 100% bad, for the most part; I think it's natural to miss the good when someone's gone, particularly if they concealed their bad well.
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Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back. --Neil Young
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
--Ernest Hemingway
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Posts: 1963 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303 Posted: 4:30 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow. Just wow.
I find it extremely creepy that a member supposedly trying to heal would use this site to prey on women. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though, but I am.
The threads of his I read were wrought with emotion and oh-so engaging. I never saw through it until the end. Again, c-r-e-e-p-y.
I come here to be safe. I count on the mods to help with that. This is an anonymous site, so comments made by the mods that explain "Defiance-Gate" are perfectly within the realm of legality and morality. I find it comforting to know the reasons, as it makes me feel safer.
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Me-38 WW Him-41 BH
M 9 years (together 14). In R.
DDay#1 11/2008 (PA/EA 9/08-11/08)
DDay#2 8/2009 (revealed 1 month PA from fall 2001)
"I will wait for you...as long as I need to.If you ever get back to Hackensack,I'll be there for you!"
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Posts: 584 | Registered: Jan 2010
imokay
Member
Member # 3522 Posted: 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I too appreciate DS and MH and all the mods who deal with drama day in and day out to protect this site.
As far as DS needing validation..... ......Oh. My. God.
I've been here a LOT of years and for many years a member might be banned and no-one ever knew. Or if they did know they'd been banned, they didn't know why.
If I remember correctly, a while back when another very active member was banned, DS and MH decided that it was time to start posting the antics of these people and the truth behind their being banned. I applaud that decision. Those people can go elsewhere on the web and spill their filth and lies about this place.
It is only right that DS and MH use THEIR site to state the truth. It is only right that DS and MH inforce guidelines to keep THEIR site a safe place for so many hurting souls.
And then to accuse them of misusing their power!?! How absolutely ludicrous!
[This message edited by imokay at 4:19 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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DD: 2/10/02
Me: BS - 48
Him: WS - 50
Fully reconciled.
I ♥ my Husband!!!
When life hands you lemons - break out the tequila and salt!
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Posts: 13336 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Too many time zones away
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 5:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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imokay 'like'
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 6:02 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Danu and others,
Has it been considered that DS's post is a REACTION to continued attacks on her and this site??
I've been here a LONG time and I can tell you that it takes A LOT to get banned. And a person (fraud) (troll) (creep) or whatever is given warnings and usually second chances.
But we are on the INTERNET. We simply don't know what's sitting on the other end of the screen. We'd like to think that the "person" we are talking to has the best of intentions, but that simply is not always true.
The people here (for the most part) are raw with pain and are prime targets for predators. (I'm not speaking specifically about D) But a predator type person who is seeking sympathy and self validation could easily suck in a weak and hurting, insecure BS.
The LAST thinkg we need here is anyone like that. We've all had enough lies and betrayals in our lives
I cannot imagine trying to weed through the almost 30,000 some odd members here to make sure we are all as safe as one can reasonably be ON THE INTERNET.
But if this site and DS and MH are attacked like they have been on and OFF this site, I believe they have the RIGHT to defend themselves, THEIR site and at least tell their side of things.
JMHO
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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!
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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410 Posted: 6:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I guess I belong in the "clueless" club too. Wow!
It's good to know though, and I thank DS for sharing. I saw the thread a while back about dating, and I had wondered what was up but didn't dare ask.
Like sully said, having the information now is a good reminder that some of us can fall victim to predators at a time when we are most vulnerable- even here in a place of healing.
THANK YOU TO DS & MH for making this site possible. Your hard work in keeping this place available played a huge role in saving my M, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.
(((many, many hugs)))
I'm sad to know that someone took advantage of your kindness and good intentions.
ETA: LIKE sadtoo's comment!!!
[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37 (yaja)
D-Day: 3-22-10
Married: 12 years
DS: 9 years old with Asperger Syndrome
Status: Working hard to R
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Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575 Posted: 8:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow... Hmmm... Back to our regularly scheduled programming...
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Me/B 53
Him/W 60 Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.
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Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224 Posted: 8:08 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I was relieved to find out WTH was going on with the whole Defiance thing and his getting banned.
Finding out that someone we all "knew" here on SI was actually preying on BSs who were struggling with crushed self-esteem and pain from their spouse's A was a real eye-opener for me.
I think it serves as a cautionary tale - specifically for all of us to be careful not to be "played" by potential predators, even here on SI.
And THANKS to the mods for taking care of this situation. And finding out how badly they were harrassed off-site was absolutely shocking.
I was clueless, but I'd far rather know than not know.
[This message edited by Crossbow at 7:31 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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BH 46 (me)
FWW 34 (her)
beautiful boys 4 & 3
D-Day #1 7/4/07 (first found out about EA with OM)
D-Day #2 7/15/07 (found out about daily cybersex with OM)
D-Day #3 7/25/07 (found out about OW)
Reconciling
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Posts: 5248 | Registered: Jul 2007
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531 Posted: 8:22 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS, MH and Mods... Thank you again for protecting us.
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Me: BSO - 42
Him: FWSO - 65
One Child (mine):DS - 9
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - I think so?
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
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Posts: 6547 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239 Posted: 8:25 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To those who think DS went too far, you obviously missed the posts that got Defiance in trouble. DS didNOT air anything that was not posted in the thread that got him banned. You should be very careful before calling out someone. Know the facts; don't just react.
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"Don't say, 'you're too good for me' ... .I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life."
Me: BW 56
Him: STBXWH 56
Married 32 years/together 38 years
D-day: June 11, 2007
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Posts: 4479 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Desert Southwest
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195 Posted: 8:28 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To the Mods:
Thank you for making this place safe for everyone. SI has been a lifeline and lifesaver for me in my darkest times...
You did the right thing by getting rid of someone who was a user and abuser on this site--seriously, when I read this about him, it reminded me of my STBXH and how he would "charm" and worm his way into OW's beds.....just yuck.
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BS (me):44
STBXH:51
married 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
The REAL D-day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, OW--apparently I was in an "open marriage"....I just never got the memo...
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Posts: 740 | Registered: Dec 2008
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 8:42 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.
Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.
Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.
I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
Danu...
even tho you've been banned for being a complete bitch...I'll address some of your post since you're reading here.
There was nothing 'violently' or 'visciously' in posting what I did about Defiance. I stated fact...nothing more.
You're calling *me* out on my behavior? How about looking at the person (Defiance) that CAUSED this situation?
Interesting how you choose to ignore the chaos, drama and lies Defiance brought here for the last 5 years.
What you think of me makes no difference in my life. It has zero effect on me. So your claim of me having an 'agenda' is laughable.
We are upper-middle class, small business owners that have nothing to gain by running SI, except a personal statisfaction to watch people heal and become whole again. So your claim about validation is baseless, just like everything else you posted.
And one last thing...I don't own SI...its an NPO with appointment board members. And the Moderators here act in unity...we all make decisions together. I'm not some big giant intimidating force that everyone cows to. I'm a human being that is doing her best to help keep SI safe.
And thank you very much to those here that have our backs...we Mods appreciate it
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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 9:00 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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((((( Deeply Scared, kdny MangledHeart
drowninginsorrow, Fallen, metamorphisis, NewAttitude, Trying2Deal SI Staff)))))
THANK YOU!!!!!
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
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Make up your own mind about who spread vitriol.
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Off Topic Post Reply Print Topic
User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
mybrokenroad
Member
Member # 20340 Posted: 4:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I MISS YOU DEFIANCE!!!!!
I miss your pictures of wonderful nature....they always brightened my day
I miss the raw emotional posts that only you could pen....you had a way with words that made it art to a point.
I miss the truths that you had...intrinsic truths that you shared...moments of clarity that you gained.
I know why you left....but i wish you would return if only to post the wonderful pictures!!!
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BH: 34
Me: 27
DDay: Oct 2008
DSS: 14
DS: 14m
R'ing...its going great. Will probably always have our triggers, but he is starting to trust again...what a wonderful gift i have been given!
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Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Indy
kdny
Administrator
Member # 760 Posted: 4:31 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Well since you don't care then maybe you'd like to join him?
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Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.” Maya Angelou
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Posts: 73755 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 4:42 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Defiance dated and bedded several women from the site. He's the sole reason we had to implement the No Dating guideline in the first place. Because of his inappropriate bahavior here, we actually had to rename and re-invent the Dating forum to NB.
We (MH and I)were personally harassed by one of the women he bedded. She contacted the BBB, the IRS, sent cards with hidden threats to our house (she found us through WhoIs and SI at that time was listed under our home address) and she harassed us so heavily with the IRS, the IRS ruled in our favor that it was a Harassment Campaign.
All the lies he's told on this site and all the drama he's put us through was more than anyone here should have to tolerate. And we didn't.
He made all sorts of promises to her the weekend that they got it on in a hotel. He used her. She got mad and went on the warpath to make him pay.
She felt we were responsible for the whole thing when she didn't get what she wanted from Defiance...that's why she started to come after us. For 3 years she was a steady thorn in our sides.
The banning was mainly for him posting about sleeping with yet another member from here...plus his lying to us.
You miss him...I'm sure you can find him out on the internet...still seeking validation from strangers.
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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795 Posted: 7:15 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I can understand missing the things a lot of people enjoyed about him here on the site.
But when the mods ban someone, there is always a really good reason behind it. They do a great job of keeping this a safe site - I've had first hand knowledge of them helping with this sort of protection (fortunately, only once, and it was really minor!)
I never knew all the goings-on with Defiance until DS posted this just now... but honestly.... it really wasn't anyone else's business. The times I've seen warnings about site members hooking up with other site members and there being problems over that, I was kind of surprised, because I'd completely missed the threads where that was going on, I guess. Or I'm really, really oblivious. Or both.
Sometimes a whole lot goes on behind the scenes that not everyone sees.
And sometimes, no matter how much we get to like a "person" on here, we have to remember that the person we've gotten to know is still only the words they've chosen to share with us, the character they've chosen to portray on here. While I do think most people are real and honest on here, that may not always be true.
And if the mods have to respond to that, we need to respect that and not make their jobs harder.
----
And besides all that, the one thing I always say about any site like this.... we are only here because the site's owners let us be here. If they decide one day they don't like the fact that I type ... in a lot of my messages and tell me I'm gone, well.... it's not my board, it's theirs. And I wouldn't argue with them about it, or expect anyone else to argue with them about it for me either.
I have my own web site, and I can put whatever I want on it. If I want to be here, I respect the rules of this site.
I don't usually do the "defend the mods" thing - I figure you all are pretty good at taking care of that yourself. But on this one, I just didn't really see the need for you to have to explain a whole lot of stuff that was really no one else's business. I would think that people would understand by now that when something like this happens, there are good reasons behind it.
And that people aren't always whom they appear to be... after all, isn't that a large part of why we all ended up here in the first place?
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Posts: 1466 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
summerbaby
Member
Member # 28879 Posted: 7:34 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Very well put osxgirl.
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And with a broken wing she still sings, she keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing she carries her dreams. Man you ought to see her fly!! - Martina Mcbride
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Posts: 1092 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Oklahoma
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375 Posted: 7:43 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I had no idea! OMG!
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Time is a train, the future, the past, you're standing in the station, your face pressed up against the glass. "ZooStation" U2
DDay? DWeek is more like it!
02-16-09 to 02-20-09
We put the fun in dysfunctional
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Posts: 2025 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437 Posted: 9:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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I had no idea!
Me neither. I didn't even realize he'd been banned. I thought that after that last highly-charged thread he'd decided to leave. And I did wonder about it all...
To my chagrin, I, too, seem to be rather good at missing what's going on a lot of the time. (Even though I spend a LOT of my online time on this site!)
Thank you very much indeed for the explanation, DS. It sounds an extremely difficult situation, with much anguish for everyone involved. I am sorry.
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Posts: 1246 | Registered: Mar 2009
TryingToBreathe
Member
Member # 14935 Posted: 9:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Count me as one of the clueless. I guess that's why my XSO was so successful at fooling me for so many years. I used to have a tendency to think the best of people and never *saw* things that were happening right under my nose.
DS, thanks for sharing this information. I'm sure this whole series of events must've been a nightmare for you and MH. It seems as though you were left with no other choice than the one you were forced to take.
IRS investigation? Now that's just downright nasty and scary! I'm glad things worked out in your favor. Whew!
It's sad things had to work out this way but sometimes folks are their own worst enemy.
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Posts: 1548 | Registered: Jun 2007
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 10:08 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010
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Wow, sounds like Defiance could make an eclair outta a turd....and you were waiting with a napkin to wipe your mouth after chowin' down on that load of bullshit....
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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R
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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 12:10 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow...
Someone posted something positive about D... and DS felt the need to use this public forum as a weapon to trash the man.
NO ONE had any right to that information DS. No one was owed an explanation. The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.
Even if everything you revealed was true... especially if everything you revealed about D was true... your decision to air it on this forum was a tremendous misuse of your power.
I know you're only human... and everyone fucks up. Please stay true to your intention to keep this site safe for everyone by not using it as a forum for your own agenda.
[This message edited by Danu at 11:26 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna
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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:27 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Omg.
ETA:
The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.
Really???
[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 11:38 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 12:33 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I am completely blown away at the amount of disrespect being shown on this thread for the very people that have come to our aide at a time when all of us have been at our lowest. Everyone has a right to free speech, but this is not a public owned message board. This board is owned and paid for by DS and MH. If you have a problem with a mod, it is disrespectful to them and to all of us that are here (either helping or hurting) to play it out on the boards.
Show some respect. For yourself and others. Geez.
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Breathe. Just breathe.
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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I agree. It's her site...if it was bad enough for her to say it...imagine how bad it must be IRL.
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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Moderator
Member # 12041 Posted: 12:42 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Hmm.. how to word this and not have to ban myself? What a pickle
Danu,
Why don't you tell us how you would have handled this situation? Clearly you've got it all figured out. So please, enlighten me..
The previous member in question is perfectly capable of spreading his vitrol all over the internet. And whatever version will suit him and the current audience I might add..
But how dare DS give even a smidgen of the truth of the matter.
Tell you what, next time you go to bat for someone, defend them, hire a lawyer to protect your website and deal with harassment for years, only to find out that it was all based on lies from the very member you tried to protect let me know how it feels.
I imagine it feels a little like a betrayal.
But how dare she use her own website to tell her side of the story.
Facebook is that way Danu.. I am sure you'll find some kindred souls with whom to share your tales of abuse.
[This message edited by metamorphisis at 11:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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ReconcilED :)
Married 06/08 :)
“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin
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Posts: 18900 | Registered: Sep 2006
strike3
Member
Member # 29593 Posted: 12:48 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Dear Mods,
Thank you for this site
Thank you for taking care of all of us
Thank you for all your work, courage and patience
I respect and value your decisions!
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The truth shall set you free! He refused to tell the truth - I set his ass free.
*****
I want to be in an honest and open relationship. If you cannot respect me or my needs then I will evaluate my desire to stay in this realtionship - Byron Katie
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Posts: 227 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: USA
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259 Posted: 12:57 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I for one appreciate DS & MH sharing the facts of what happened AND their "agenda" of protecting US, protecting themselves as they sadly were apparently forced to do, and thus being able to continue via this site, THIER site, to save SOOOOO many people, marriages, sanity and empower so many of us.
They deserve to be awarded.
[This message edited by SierraGrace at 11:59 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]
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BSO(me): 51! OMG!
♥ Fur-kids: 4 Cats, 1 dog ♥
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.— Joseph Campbell
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Posts: 756 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunny California!!
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129 Posted: 1:08 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Does it bother anyone else that it seems like Defiance was using the site the same way a predator does?
Finding a hurt person, making them feel good about themselves and taking advantage of them...
With all of the sharing of private thoughts and feelings, knowing that the mods and admins protect members from that type of behavior is a comfort.
They protected him and he used them badly. Now they are protecting other vulnerable people.
IMO: It is okay to miss a poster. It is not okay to bait the mods and admin by basically calling them out in a "public" display.
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Sam from Icarly,"Did you eat a big bowl of Crazy-flakes for breakfast?"
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light
D-Day Sept 2006
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Posts: 1000 | Registered: Jan 2010
WantOut
Member
Member # 13960 Posted: 2:40 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Yes, I was/am bothered by his predatory ways. But the good news is that I saw through him!
Do I miss his photos? Yes.
Do I miss his prose? Yes.
Do I miss his constant need for validation? HELL NO!
Shame on him for the turmoil HE caused. And this time, he can't blame his ex-wife!
I applaud the mods for taking a much needed step. I, also, see no reason why he shouldn't be "outed" here. It may prevent more heartache.
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Posts: 1361 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 3:09 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Geeze Danu...seems like you're taking his banning rather personal. Hmm....care to share more?
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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!
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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
trying to smile
Member
Member # 9683 Posted: 6:52 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I too miss his photos, I miss the man he portrayed himself to be.
In a way I feel betrayed again but on a lesser scale of course.
As a long term member of this amazing site I am often aware of undercurrents however am usually oblivious to what really goes on. I want to thank you DS for telling it like it is.
You protected and defended D when you thought he needed it just as you protect us all. You also protected us by calling him on his lies.
There have been times when you DS and MH have shared a little of the "behind the scenes" angst that happens on this site and I thank you for that too. The small window you sometimes open to show us a little of what you have to deal with helps to keep us all real about what goes on here.
This site is full of love, compassion and calling people on their shit. I for one hope that never changes.
tts
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Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.
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Posts: 5413 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: The Land Down Under
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
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Newest Member: livingwithgrace (29928)
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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921 Posted: 7:17 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I appreciate everything about this site. All the work the Admins, Mods, etc. do to keep this site running. If someone breaks the rules then consequences follow. Isn't that what we all speak of on a daily basis?
Love to all!
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WH - 43
BS (me) - 46
Son - 20
Son - 13
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
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Posts: 2297 | Registered: Nov 2007
aesir
Member
Member # 17210 Posted: 7:23 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Especially miss his dinner photos, though it has been a while.
I was not yet aware that he was gone, and apparently not of his own accord. It is unfortunate that these things had to be said after he was gone, and would like to hear his side of it (Actually I would prefer to have heard none of it). This is an emotional site, even for those who have recovered. The post itself was innocent enough, though the title was provocative, and I have seen enough bannings that people will not leave alone until they hear a story behind it to know there was little choice.
There are many members who have left in my time here, some of their own accord because it did not suit them, some because they had moved on to where it no longer served their purposes, and some who were asked to leave for the disruptions they were causing. It is okay to miss someone, their many good qualities, think of them fondly, and wish them well when they are banned. Out of respect for their many good qualities,if people are asked to leave, please do not post asking that their dirty laundry be aired publicly. One day I may snap, and not be allowed to return, and I would hope that those who remember me remember the good, and let whatever wrongs I have commited be laid to rest.
Farewell D. May you find hapiness in your future that makes up for the pain you have suffered.
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That which does not kill us makes us stronger... or causes repetitive strain injury.
I gots special gold wings, but the link broke. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=303448&AP=21
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Posts: 3930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
total idiot
Member
Member # 19380 Posted: 8:51 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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aesir that was a really good post. I'm not here often enough to know the details about all the members but I agree every person should b treated with some respect whether they are here or not.
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I hate this.
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Posts: 299 | Registered: May 2008
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 8:53 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Here's the thing... I'm one of the clueless ones on this board. I'm not batting for anyone, not judging, not taking sides because I have no freakin' clue about either party's "truth"... nor do I care.
The mods make the rules. This is their domain and if we want to be a part of this community we have to follow those rules.
A member broke the rules.
The member got banned.
AS IT SHOULD BE!
The mods exercised their
power by enforcing their rules... that should be satisfying enough for them... but the fact that DS had to spill the vitriol all over this board... all over us clueless ones... the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.
Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.
Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.
I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
The member who originally posted the thread should've been addressed and corrected in a PM... by dragging this all into the community, DS has done nothing but reinforced a presence that she was trying to banish.
It wouldn't matter who was involved, or what the details were. It would make no difference if this happened on a support board on the internet, in my workplace, or in my home... I'd speak out on the impropriety of it irregardless.
It's simply not right for someone in a position of power to use that power to meet their own agenda.
Yes, this is DS's website... and I'm as grateful for it as anyone... but it wouldn't exist without the community. When I see something that threatens the community, I should be able to say something about it, shouldn't I?
Or will I be silenced, banished, then publicly derided?
DS put this out for public consumption... if dissenting opinions are not allowed, then this site isn't what it potrays itself to be.
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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna
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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886 Posted: 9:14 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I, too, was a bit shocked to find that D had been banned BUT as for the "attacks" on DS...
From the details she gave, it's understandable why it happened and if she seemed to come across as a little vitriolic in the presentation of those facts, I think that is also understandable. Her and MHs life's work came under attack by someone who had been used by a former member. Kind of hard NOT to be a little vitriolic and defensive.
I think we all can agree that what she and MH have done and are doing is commendable and selfless and has helped literally thousands of people work through this mess we all found ourselves in regardless of what side we came from.
And it hurts to have that work used for selfish reasons as D seems to have done. That hurt, I believe, came through in the presentation of the facts by DS. She's angry at this betrayal just as any BS would be at the discovery. And remember, it wasn't just the site that came under attack, it was the two of them personally. The Admin and mods deal with crap on a daily basis and the results of Defiance's actions probably pushed DS just a smidge too far and she broke... just a little. But in no way should that negate any or all of what she and the mods have done over the years.
Just my two cents.
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BS (Cee64D) 45
WS (Me) 45
Don't look at how far you have to go, look at how far you've come.
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Posts: 2139 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Not where I was
tiredandsad
Member
Member # 9180 Posted: 10:19 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I don't see why DS is prevented from expressing her experience with a member. I lurk a lot and still missed most of the backstory. I'm actually glad to know that there are opportunists and to be wary -- yet another example of "be careful of believing what you see".
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Posts: 572 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Mass
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475 Posted: 10:59 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS,
Thank you for sharing the backstory. It explains a lot. I've been here since 2006 and, for a short while, was sucked into the Definace Drama. I wanted to help him but I quickly saw through his rants and his wallowings. There was no helping him.
I watched with increasing horror as he would go just to the edge of flaming, and then post a gushing apology ... just enough to keep him around ... just this side of banning. Imagine DS's position in all of this. Imagine her having to post - again and again - warnings about the consequences ... the personal consequences to her and MH ... about members hooking up ... all the while with him around posting about his failed love life.
Danu, has it occured to you that DS's posting the truth may serve the purpose of further protecting her members. We need to be aware of this kind of behavior. If she saves one hurting, vulnerable member from seeking out and comforting, and possibly being hurt by a banned member, then I'd say she is performing a service that is above and beyond the original mission of this site.
Be glad and be grateful.
DS and MH are among the bravest people I've ever encountered.
Wolf
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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens
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Posts: 6424 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344 Posted: 11:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Could not agree more, Wolf.
Many of us were sick of the attention-seeking antics and were aware of his behavior and hypocrisy.
Frankly, I think DS did a good thing by posting the real story. The fact that this type of behavior exists on this site and is dealt with by the mods on a daily basis, is something we all should open our eyes to.
[This message edited by Hope24 at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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In the depths of winter, I discovered in me an invincible summer.
~Camus
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Posts: 4845 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Western New York
travels
Member
Member # 20334 Posted: 11:43 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS and the mods keep us out of the drama, for the most part.
We aren't aware of all that goes on behind the scenes. I can only assume way more goes on than any of us are aware.
I suspect there is plenty more going on now about this situation in the form of PMs to mods and etc that we aren't aware of.
I think DS needed to set the record straight.
It's not like DS to talk about a member this way. If she felt the need to do it this time, well there is probably way more going on than any of us are aware of.
Thanks for this site MH and DS. I'm sure it often brings you insight, laughs, tears, and head shaking.
I'm sure there are other times that it makes you angry, sad, and . I can only hope the good outweighs the bad.
[This message edited by travels at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.
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Posts: 2550 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622 Posted: 11:50 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I hate drama. I hate conflict. But I have an opinion and will try to respectfully express it. Respectful discussion of dissenting opinions is an opportunity for growth. Being challenged without being attacked is how we evolve. Growth occurs if we self examine our opinions with an open mind which doesn't happen when attacked because being defensive only solidifies a position.
I am not defending anyone, as I am convinced that it is not necessary. The mods have proven time and again they are fully capable of defending themselves and others. I have never seen an act of attack or disrespect by the mods. I think the explanation given by DS was factual and to the point. There was no attack. It doesn't even read as a defense of actions taken. Just the facts ma'am.
Given my history, information is always welcome. I hate lies and omissions and I welcome having the light shined on behaviors that could negatively impact me or people I care about. I can deal with a painful truth and make the best decision for myself based on truth, not fantasy or idealism.
I cannot imagine running a site like this, full of hurting betrayed people who have NEED all over the place. The psychological drain alone, not to mention the time. I imagine the creation of this site and the continued management of it to be akin to raising and caring for a child. But I don't see Mama Bear behavior in defense of this site or the decisions made by mods. Just facts.
How many cheaters call having their truth shared an "attack?" (for sure mine does.) It is not an attack or vitriolic to share truth. Truth is not always kind or pretty. But there is no harm in truth. The action behind an ugly truth is the attack. I am reminded of the knee jerk reaction of blaming the messenger. How many of us don't share ugly truths because we don't want the fallout from being the bearer of bad news? I do not thank anyone who knew secrets and didn't tell me. I don't feel "protected" by those people. I feel betrayed by them. I don't need to know everything that happens behind the scenes. But every time I stumble across a topic that shows the work of the mods and the sacrifice at great personal cost, I am grateful for the opportunity to post here.
I don't like feeling betrayed. I don't like predatory behavior. I don't like anyone who takes and takes and takes advantage. I don't like excuses for bad behavior or justification for bad behavior. I know that this is based on my personal experiences. I am comfortable with that about myself. I welcome truth. I applaud the courage to share truth. I applaud and appreciate everyone who is willing to speak up, knowing that standing up is standing out.
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cg/BS- me 40
WH (SA)- 39 Stretch and Skew
DS 9 DS 6
11/09 online account found,downplayed
12/09 online again
5/5/10 email confession to PA's
5/20/10 Separated and he still lies
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Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2010
unfound
Member
Member # 12802 Posted: 12:06 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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ds told the truth about the situation. she didn't have to share that with any of us, but did, and I for one and grateful.
count me as among the "clueless" in this situation. but like anything (can't we all relate to this in some way??), once you know the truth, you can look back and see with a new, clearer, perspective and things start to make sense.
considering that for 3 years ds, mh and mods have been dealing with this off the boards, AND that they were sticking up for him, then to find out that they were defending him based on lies? again, can't we all relate to this in our own way?? hell, banning seems a small consequence.
then add on top the legal dealings??
ds didn't have to tell anyone about this. and to see it as some type of validation seeking is absurd. this whole thing was a potential threat to them personally and this site. in telling the truth to the people here maybe it will open some eyes and make people realize what ds and mh deal with on a daily basis....and still try to nurture and protect us and this site, even when some, through their own agenda, give them no reason to do so.
we talk about consequences here a lot. also about telling the truth. here is an example of both.
I for one don't particularly need to know what goes on behind the scenes here. it's enough to know that they deal with crap all the time, details are not important to me. but when someone has put this site in jeopardy, I'm glad that they have the cajones to call them on it...privately or on the boards. cause this is just as much MY site as it is anyones here. I'll protect it and defend it as much as I'm able. I can only imagine the protectiveness ds and mh must feel.
plus, if anyone doesn't like it, or how things are dealt with....I don't believe there's some magical force that automatically takes your computer to the sign in page...
jm2cents.
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ka-mai
*******************
cast in this unlikely role
ill equipped to act
with insufficient tact
one must put up barriers
to keep ones self intact
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Posts: 10429 | Registered: Nov 2006
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735 Posted: 12:20 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To DS, MH, the Mods, and all those who come here offering support, honesty and love...
Thank You
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Time will tell
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Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2009
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150 Posted: 12:24 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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What Wolf said.
And if anyone wants to look at his pictures you can go to his website.
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DDay: June 15, 2008
Married 22 years
20 years of OWs. WTF?? (!)
D pending. Starting over at 56.
Everyone please read: 'THE POWER OF NOW'!
"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." ~ Voltaire
Don't look back.
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Posts: 10085 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305 Posted: 1:34 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Please, put down your dukes. There is no reason to fight.
First, I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D. Its her opinion. Its how she felt. The following comment was a little harsh.
Second, though the reason he was banned may not be our business its probably best we know. Why? So we a)will not follow in those footsteps b) realise how lucky we are that DS and MH stood the storm to keep this site up for all of us who desperately need this place.
I had no clue what had gone on. I didnt know D was banned until I just happen to hear about it. But you know what? That "troll" thing now makes sense. NOW I know who it is.
Something else...the situation with D and the other woman (formerly a member) strikes me strongly of a ws and bunny boiler situation. It also put other people in jeapardy (DS MH and us, too).
This situation is what it is and whatever your stance, it must be respected. Its also time to move on and not fight over it.
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Me: 43
dd: 4
ds: 2-1/2
Last DDay June 1st 2010
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Posts: 3685 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NJ
UR_AN_IDIOT
Member
Member # 18764 Posted: 1:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D.
Maybe. I guess. But why stir the shit pot? There was enough drama in his exit thread. Why not PM a Mod to ask about it? Why bring it out in open forum and get everyone all riled up? What purpose would that serve? It won't bring back the things you miss if you are missing things.
And why say something stupid like:
I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
That is just disrespectful. Apparently she didn't care so no need for sympathy. I don't care means I don't care.
You are right sully. There is no need to fight over this because it isn't worth the time when there are hurting newbies pouring into JFO.
I for one don't want to waste anymore time on the ongoing drama of a banned member. I thought we were done with that.
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Me:BW 44
FWH 46
Married 22 years
DD 19 DS 17
Reconciling
Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
~Matt Maher~
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Posts: 4359 | Registered: Mar 2008
cass
Member
Member # 24261 Posted: 2:50 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Well said sully.
mybrokenroad stated that she missed a member who has been banned. Fair enough but why didn't she simply state that? Why did she have to say she didn't care if she got into trouble for making her statement? I think that was unnecessary and the reason kdny came back with a harsh comment. The comment was made from a protective (and knowledgeable) stance - harsh possibly but completely justified and understandable in the circumstances.
I don't understand why mybrokenroad states that she knew the reason for his leaving (the ban) but nonetheless wishes he would return simply to post pics?? This is not a bird appreciation society, it is a site for the support of extremely vulnerable and deeply hurting people.
Those who misuse or abuse the site have no place here. End of story.
I think DS was totally justified in making the members aware of the circumstances of the ban (because she decided it was best to, following the first post). That way no-one will question the decision (and no-one should). These mods know what they are doing and why. They have proved that time and time again.
Danu, I think DS made her comments because she WAS threatened and she DOES have a personal stake in this. We were ALL threatened by Defiance's actions and the consequences and ALL have a personal stake in this. Why call her out for publicly stating the truth when it was required? Her comments were neither vicious nor violent IMHO. This was not a reaction. I think it was a well thought through and much needed response. It sets the record straight.
I think the member who started the thread had a right to state her feelings but NOT that she didn't care if she got into trouble. It was that comment that started the ball rolling and has given it arms and legs!!!
I think kdny's response was harsh but justified in the circumstances.
I admire DS for making the truth available to us.
I appreciate SI and the GENUINE people who use and maintain this resource.
I hope Defiance finds peace and happiness somewhere but elsewhere.
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Me - 52 and doing fine.
Him - nonentity, hitting 60 and still in lalaland. Together 10 years.
Just remember this my friend, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars but still not see the light. Eagles
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Posts: 3273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 2:57 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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UR_A_I
WORD!!!
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Breathe. Just breathe.
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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 3:01 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
and you have that right??
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 3:23 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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My post was very cynical and I apologize if it was taken the wrong way. I meant that that mybrokenroad was being very deceptive in their post. You should never encourage the acts of a person who uses people or a site for their own needs. A person who has damaged others, whether its the moderators or members should never be seen in a positive light.
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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R
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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
hurting2much
Member
Member # 25643 Posted: 3:27 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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For what it is worth...THANK YOU to everyone responsible for the development of this site and the Mods for monitoring this site to make sure rules are followed--that is not an easy job. I'm sure you have to deal with much more "stuff" than I will ever know. But do know this...your hard work is truly appreciated.
Keep up the excellent site!!
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BW (me 46)
WH (52)
Married 23 yrs
2 kids (19, 16)
DDay Jan 09
NC broke Aug 09
R ongoing
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Posts: 554 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
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Newest Member: livingwithgrace (29928)
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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179 Posted: 3:46 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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First, thanks DS & MH for keeping the site and your motivation going. I'm sure there's been plenty of behind the scenes drama played out over the years. With so many members, how could there not? Didn't know there was THAT much drama though....sheesh!
I for one am glad to hear what became of D....as I would be to hear what happened to any member who I've "seen" fairly regularly over these years. You can't help but wonder what the heck became of someone...did they die? Are they in a severe depression? Are they really sick? etc. A "so-and-so will no longer be on SI" would meet my need for a complete Gestalt. Particularly if one isn't eat-sleep-and-breathing SI 24/7, you wonder if you missed the thread where ( ).
I'm saddened when people make bad choices. No one's 100% good nor 100% bad, for the most part; I think it's natural to miss the good when someone's gone, particularly if they concealed their bad well.
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Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back. --Neil Young
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
--Ernest Hemingway
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Posts: 1963 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303 Posted: 4:30 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow. Just wow.
I find it extremely creepy that a member supposedly trying to heal would use this site to prey on women. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though, but I am.
The threads of his I read were wrought with emotion and oh-so engaging. I never saw through it until the end. Again, c-r-e-e-p-y.
I come here to be safe. I count on the mods to help with that. This is an anonymous site, so comments made by the mods that explain "Defiance-Gate" are perfectly within the realm of legality and morality. I find it comforting to know the reasons, as it makes me feel safer.
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Me-38 WW Him-41 BH
M 9 years (together 14). In R.
DDay#1 11/2008 (PA/EA 9/08-11/08)
DDay#2 8/2009 (revealed 1 month PA from fall 2001)
"I will wait for you...as long as I need to.If you ever get back to Hackensack,I'll be there for you!"
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Posts: 584 | Registered: Jan 2010
imokay
Member
Member # 3522 Posted: 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I too appreciate DS and MH and all the mods who deal with drama day in and day out to protect this site.
As far as DS needing validation..... ......Oh. My. God.
I've been here a LOT of years and for many years a member might be banned and no-one ever knew. Or if they did know they'd been banned, they didn't know why.
If I remember correctly, a while back when another very active member was banned, DS and MH decided that it was time to start posting the antics of these people and the truth behind their being banned. I applaud that decision. Those people can go elsewhere on the web and spill their filth and lies about this place.
It is only right that DS and MH use THEIR site to state the truth. It is only right that DS and MH inforce guidelines to keep THEIR site a safe place for so many hurting souls.
And then to accuse them of misusing their power!?! How absolutely ludicrous!
[This message edited by imokay at 4:19 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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DD: 2/10/02
Me: BS - 48
Him: WS - 50
Fully reconciled.
I ♥ my Husband!!!
When life hands you lemons - break out the tequila and salt!
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Posts: 13336 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Too many time zones away
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 5:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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imokay 'like'
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 6:02 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Danu and others,
Has it been considered that DS's post is a REACTION to continued attacks on her and this site??
I've been here a LONG time and I can tell you that it takes A LOT to get banned. And a person (fraud) (troll) (creep) or whatever is given warnings and usually second chances.
But we are on the INTERNET. We simply don't know what's sitting on the other end of the screen. We'd like to think that the "person" we are talking to has the best of intentions, but that simply is not always true.
The people here (for the most part) are raw with pain and are prime targets for predators. (I'm not speaking specifically about D) But a predator type person who is seeking sympathy and self validation could easily suck in a weak and hurting, insecure BS.
The LAST thinkg we need here is anyone like that. We've all had enough lies and betrayals in our lives
I cannot imagine trying to weed through the almost 30,000 some odd members here to make sure we are all as safe as one can reasonably be ON THE INTERNET.
But if this site and DS and MH are attacked like they have been on and OFF this site, I believe they have the RIGHT to defend themselves, THEIR site and at least tell their side of things.
JMHO
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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!
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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410 Posted: 6:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I guess I belong in the "clueless" club too. Wow!
It's good to know though, and I thank DS for sharing. I saw the thread a while back about dating, and I had wondered what was up but didn't dare ask.
Like sully said, having the information now is a good reminder that some of us can fall victim to predators at a time when we are most vulnerable- even here in a place of healing.
THANK YOU TO DS & MH for making this site possible. Your hard work in keeping this place available played a huge role in saving my M, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.
(((many, many hugs)))
I'm sad to know that someone took advantage of your kindness and good intentions.
ETA: LIKE sadtoo's comment!!!
[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37 (yaja)
D-Day: 3-22-10
Married: 12 years
DS: 9 years old with Asperger Syndrome
Status: Working hard to R
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Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575 Posted: 8:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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Wow... Hmmm... Back to our regularly scheduled programming...
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Me/B 53
Him/W 60 Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.
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Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224 Posted: 8:08 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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I was relieved to find out WTH was going on with the whole Defiance thing and his getting banned.
Finding out that someone we all "knew" here on SI was actually preying on BSs who were struggling with crushed self-esteem and pain from their spouse's A was a real eye-opener for me.
I think it serves as a cautionary tale - specifically for all of us to be careful not to be "played" by potential predators, even here on SI.
And THANKS to the mods for taking care of this situation. And finding out how badly they were harrassed off-site was absolutely shocking.
I was clueless, but I'd far rather know than not know.
[This message edited by Crossbow at 7:31 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]
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BH 46 (me)
FWW 34 (her)
beautiful boys 4 & 3
D-Day #1 7/4/07 (first found out about EA with OM)
D-Day #2 7/15/07 (found out about daily cybersex with OM)
D-Day #3 7/25/07 (found out about OW)
Reconciling
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Posts: 5248 | Registered: Jul 2007
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531 Posted: 8:22 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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DS, MH and Mods... Thank you again for protecting us.
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Me: BSO - 42
Him: FWSO - 65
One Child (mine):DS - 9
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - I think so?
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
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Posts: 6547 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239 Posted: 8:25 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To those who think DS went too far, you obviously missed the posts that got Defiance in trouble. DS didNOT air anything that was not posted in the thread that got him banned. You should be very careful before calling out someone. Know the facts; don't just react.
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"Don't say, 'you're too good for me' ... .I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life."
Me: BW 56
Him: STBXWH 56
Married 32 years/together 38 years
D-day: June 11, 2007
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Posts: 4479 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Desert Southwest
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195 Posted: 8:28 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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To the Mods:
Thank you for making this place safe for everyone. SI has been a lifeline and lifesaver for me in my darkest times...
You did the right thing by getting rid of someone who was a user and abuser on this site--seriously, when I read this about him, it reminded me of my STBXH and how he would "charm" and worm his way into OW's beds.....just yuck.
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BS (me):44
STBXH:51
married 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
The REAL D-day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, OW--apparently I was in an "open marriage"....I just never got the memo...
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Posts: 740 | Registered: Dec 2008
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 8:42 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.
Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.
Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.
I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
Danu...
even tho you've been banned for being a complete bitch...I'll address some of your post since you're reading here.
There was nothing 'violently' or 'visciously' in posting what I did about Defiance. I stated fact...nothing more.
You're calling *me* out on my behavior? How about looking at the person (Defiance) that CAUSED this situation?
Interesting how you choose to ignore the chaos, drama and lies Defiance brought here for the last 5 years.
What you think of me makes no difference in my life. It has zero effect on me. So your claim of me having an 'agenda' is laughable.
We are upper-middle class, small business owners that have nothing to gain by running SI, except a personal statisfaction to watch people heal and become whole again. So your claim about validation is baseless, just like everything else you posted.
And one last thing...I don't own SI...its an NPO with appointment board members. And the Moderators here act in unity...we all make decisions together. I'm not some big giant intimidating force that everyone cows to. I'm a human being that is doing her best to help keep SI safe.
And thank you very much to those here that have our backs...we Mods appreciate it
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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 9:00 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010
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((((( Deeply Scared, kdny MangledHeart
drowninginsorrow, Fallen, metamorphisis, NewAttitude, Trying2Deal SI Staff)))))
THANK YOU!!!!!
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HAPPILY RECONCILED!
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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3
Return to Forum: Off Topic Post Reply to this Topic
Go to : - Forum Home -The Auction BlockJust Found OutGeneralReconciliationWayward SideI Can RelateOff TopicDivorce/SeparationNew BeginningsThe Book ClubFun & Games
© 2010 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.
I love free expression.
In the last few days and weeks, I've been able to be the catalyst for an exposure of what people truly are. To show what they are truly like. And the starkness of that realization is not lost on many.
I used to belong to a support site where people helped each other through very hard times.
When I admitted and confessed something I had done, and looked for support there, I was reviled.
And then, someone had the audacity to post that they missed me.
And the owners and the mods went into full gear. They pulled out all the stops. They had to denigrate me in the most powerful possible way.
But their accusations fell on deaf ears. Because those who know me called bullshit. And they couldn't stand it.
Could. Not. Stand. It.
So they and their sycophantic minions joined the fray.
And since that time, I have had many people tell me how they cannot believe how vicious these people are.
You exposed yourself, assholes. I tweaked your ass, and you finally showed everyone what you are made of.
You are the ruling class. The elite. And anyone who dares to challenge you will be cast to the winds.
Your site is safe.
Safe for people who fall in lock step to what you want and worship you.
For others. For those who believe in the free expression of ideas and of opinions?
You are the Soviet ruling class. The dictators. The Juntas.
And everyone sees it.
So, in the end, I have done some good. By poking the Tiger, people got to see the worst of humanity. In the ones they trusted.
I have failed. I have done wrong in my life.
But what has been so starkly revealed is that there are those who feel that they are better than all of us. And that they can rule with an iron fist.
So long as you agree with them, you are okay.
But if you do not. You are cast out as one of the undesirables. And they will rally the rest of the weak minded to do their bidding.
Sleep well, tonight. All of you that have taken up that call.
Stalin. Hitler. Mousellini, Pol Pot.
They are all so very proud of you.
I used to belong to a support site where people helped each other through very hard times.
When I admitted and confessed something I had done, and looked for support there, I was reviled.
And then, someone had the audacity to post that they missed me.
And the owners and the mods went into full gear. They pulled out all the stops. They had to denigrate me in the most powerful possible way.
But their accusations fell on deaf ears. Because those who know me called bullshit. And they couldn't stand it.
Could. Not. Stand. It.
So they and their sycophantic minions joined the fray.
And since that time, I have had many people tell me how they cannot believe how vicious these people are.
You exposed yourself, assholes. I tweaked your ass, and you finally showed everyone what you are made of.
You are the ruling class. The elite. And anyone who dares to challenge you will be cast to the winds.
Your site is safe.
Safe for people who fall in lock step to what you want and worship you.
For others. For those who believe in the free expression of ideas and of opinions?
You are the Soviet ruling class. The dictators. The Juntas.
And everyone sees it.
So, in the end, I have done some good. By poking the Tiger, people got to see the worst of humanity. In the ones they trusted.
I have failed. I have done wrong in my life.
But what has been so starkly revealed is that there are those who feel that they are better than all of us. And that they can rule with an iron fist.
So long as you agree with them, you are okay.
But if you do not. You are cast out as one of the undesirables. And they will rally the rest of the weak minded to do their bidding.
Sleep well, tonight. All of you that have taken up that call.
Stalin. Hitler. Mousellini, Pol Pot.
They are all so very proud of you.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
There are mutants among us.
These words are from my daughter. I will present them here without editing, for your consideration.
-------------------
i know that none of the people that have hurt me will ever see this letter, but i needed to write it for my own peace of mind. lately, i've noticed a lot of mentioning of ben, people ("friends" on my friends list) updating their profile pictures to ones being at ben's house, adding ben's friends, ben telling others i'm manipulative and crazy so i will lose more friends.. that i am "just a silly girl".
after being raped and assaulted by him, i was virtually deserted.
it was very much like the Scarlet Letter, like i had a disgusting black scar all over my face and no one wanted anything to do with me.
everyone thought because of my mental illness, i was exaggerating what happened.
that because i had previously admitted suicidal thoughts and i attempted to hurt myself during the encounter, that i'm unstable and it negates his actions.
that because i had no scars, burn marks, or choke marks, that it wasn't that bad and i shouldn't have pressed charges.
i have been ostracized, ignored, and deserted over taking him to court and charging him with domestic violence.
as soon as that happened, it was like i had some kind of horrible tumor growing on my face. women that knew ben wanted nothing to do with me. old friends politely respond to me, but otherwise completely disregard my offers to hang out. i am basically treated like a trouble-maker, like the person that dared to stand up for herself, against such a seemingly "innocent" person.
let me say this now: just because ben appears to be nice, passive, and congenial, doesn't mean that he is that way behind closed doors.
this person with the nice disposition is the same person that used to call me a slut and splash rum all over my face and clothes,.
this person was the same person that pretended to stab me with a knife, break glass in my house and splash vodka in my eyes, and forced himself on me when i was in a dazed, mentally immobile state.
this same person held my cheeks together and said he'd like to rip out my teeth with a pair of pliers.
this same person screamed at me AFTER i was shaking and crying, because he didn't understand why i wouldn't respond to him after him putting his hands around my throat.
after the event, i was told by allison "it would be better to keep this quiet".
ben's reputation must be salvaged.
and she's right: it was. to most, i'm the girl that got him convicted and was granted a permanent restraining order even though i was not visibly injured or seemed psychologically scarred.
the truth is the damage i caused him is nothing in comparison to what he did to me.
and i spent months dealing with derision from others for making the decision to defend myself against a mentally unstable person.
i am the one who gets punished for letting others know that ben is a rapist and an abuser.
and his friends, push it under the rug, and say because i had a history of abuse in my life, and that i have a history of depression and manic depression, that i somehow asked for it. that it was just a one-time thing. that i drove ben to it.
and i will never forgive any of you for abandoning me and "shushing" me when i needed you the most.
do you know why none of you got angry with me? because you realized that what he did was fucked up, but you'd rather i hide it, not say anything, and not press charges because it was cause too much commotion.
fuck everyone that has isolated me and treated me this way.
you weren't there.
and i will be a stronger person from this.
and on every opportunity i will make sure to let people know what happened when the topic of domestic violence comes up.
because i don't care about ben's name or how i'm the crazy one, i refuse to keep this quiet.
Ben Bishop raped and physically assaulted me on July 17, 2010
-------------------
i know that none of the people that have hurt me will ever see this letter, but i needed to write it for my own peace of mind. lately, i've noticed a lot of mentioning of ben, people ("friends" on my friends list) updating their profile pictures to ones being at ben's house, adding ben's friends, ben telling others i'm manipulative and crazy so i will lose more friends.. that i am "just a silly girl".
after being raped and assaulted by him, i was virtually deserted.
it was very much like the Scarlet Letter, like i had a disgusting black scar all over my face and no one wanted anything to do with me.
everyone thought because of my mental illness, i was exaggerating what happened.
that because i had previously admitted suicidal thoughts and i attempted to hurt myself during the encounter, that i'm unstable and it negates his actions.
that because i had no scars, burn marks, or choke marks, that it wasn't that bad and i shouldn't have pressed charges.
i have been ostracized, ignored, and deserted over taking him to court and charging him with domestic violence.
as soon as that happened, it was like i had some kind of horrible tumor growing on my face. women that knew ben wanted nothing to do with me. old friends politely respond to me, but otherwise completely disregard my offers to hang out. i am basically treated like a trouble-maker, like the person that dared to stand up for herself, against such a seemingly "innocent" person.
let me say this now: just because ben appears to be nice, passive, and congenial, doesn't mean that he is that way behind closed doors.
this person with the nice disposition is the same person that used to call me a slut and splash rum all over my face and clothes,.
this person was the same person that pretended to stab me with a knife, break glass in my house and splash vodka in my eyes, and forced himself on me when i was in a dazed, mentally immobile state.
this same person held my cheeks together and said he'd like to rip out my teeth with a pair of pliers.
this same person screamed at me AFTER i was shaking and crying, because he didn't understand why i wouldn't respond to him after him putting his hands around my throat.
after the event, i was told by allison "it would be better to keep this quiet".
ben's reputation must be salvaged.
and she's right: it was. to most, i'm the girl that got him convicted and was granted a permanent restraining order even though i was not visibly injured or seemed psychologically scarred.
the truth is the damage i caused him is nothing in comparison to what he did to me.
and i spent months dealing with derision from others for making the decision to defend myself against a mentally unstable person.
i am the one who gets punished for letting others know that ben is a rapist and an abuser.
and his friends, push it under the rug, and say because i had a history of abuse in my life, and that i have a history of depression and manic depression, that i somehow asked for it. that it was just a one-time thing. that i drove ben to it.
and i will never forgive any of you for abandoning me and "shushing" me when i needed you the most.
do you know why none of you got angry with me? because you realized that what he did was fucked up, but you'd rather i hide it, not say anything, and not press charges because it was cause too much commotion.
fuck everyone that has isolated me and treated me this way.
you weren't there.
and i will be a stronger person from this.
and on every opportunity i will make sure to let people know what happened when the topic of domestic violence comes up.
because i don't care about ben's name or how i'm the crazy one, i refuse to keep this quiet.
Ben Bishop raped and physically assaulted me on July 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Poking The Tiger
I'm not one who enjoys being on my knees. I will offer apologies, I will even offer penance. But I will never become a fucking whipping boy.
With that in mind, I am going to poke the fucking tiger.
The board I used to belong to...the owners booted me. For good reason. We've discussed this here in this blog before. I don't begrudge them. It's their right.
But what I will say, is how incestuous they have all become.
They recruit spies on Facebook to monitor what members of their board, who became friends outside of their message board, say on Facebook. They monitor what people say outside of their own forums.
They are now paranoid, insular, and so protective of what they created, that they cannot STAND to have dissension. Or criticism. They have become the equivalent of the Soviet Politburo.
They give out bread and toilet paper and rations (their message board). What they now expect of the members is blind obedience and compliance in exchange.
Free thought and opinion is only allowed when it falls into the realm of what they approve. And their range for what they approve of is steadily shrinking. Over the 5 years I was there, I saw this happen, little by little.
And what it reveals now more than anything is a grossly obvious hypocrisy. And a double standard so wide you could drive a fleet of semis through it.
If you are a kiss-ass. If you are someone who sucks up, and does what they want you to in support of the board, then the strict rules they have about things like "on board relationships" are set aside for you. Not only are they set aside, your relationship with the other member is celebrated and cheered on by the mods and owners!
At the same time, they are saying things like this. "If you find yourself in a relationship with another member, then you don't need this board anymore and you should be gone".
Fucking hypocrites.
They encourage and love adulation as authority figures. They constantly talk about how hard it is to be a moderator and that the members have "no idea" what goes on behind the scenes.
Here's a newsflash, assholes. You volunteered to be a moderator. So fucking suck it up, and stop your fucking whining, or get the fuck out.
Don't whine to the members and expect all sorts of kudos and praise for what you do, all the while lamenting how hard your "job" is. Face it. If you didn't LOVE it, you would never have volunteered. And you do love the power it gives you.
So stop the fucking bullshit and the fishing for compliments. Just do your fucking job. Or get out and go arrange flowers or make pine cone baskets if you can't deal with it. Nobody forced you to run that site or to be a moderator. So please. Shut the fuck up. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel bad for you. You ASKED for the job. Suck it up.
What I despise is when people take something that allows for free expression...and then they get it...and then, they don't like what some people say. They don't like criticism. So they shut it down. The make it "my way or the highway". Well, they have that right.
But it doesn't make it good and noble.
It just makes it self-serving.
For all the good that board has done. It has NOTHING to do with the owners or the moderators. It has everything to do with the members who help each other.
What it is now is a pale ghost of what it once was. It used to be a free and safe place to express what you feel and to express your opinions.
It is now a place where your opinion is okay, so long as they APPROVE of the content of your speech.
King George would have approved.
With that in mind, I am going to poke the fucking tiger.
The board I used to belong to...the owners booted me. For good reason. We've discussed this here in this blog before. I don't begrudge them. It's their right.
But what I will say, is how incestuous they have all become.
They recruit spies on Facebook to monitor what members of their board, who became friends outside of their message board, say on Facebook. They monitor what people say outside of their own forums.
They are now paranoid, insular, and so protective of what they created, that they cannot STAND to have dissension. Or criticism. They have become the equivalent of the Soviet Politburo.
They give out bread and toilet paper and rations (their message board). What they now expect of the members is blind obedience and compliance in exchange.
Free thought and opinion is only allowed when it falls into the realm of what they approve. And their range for what they approve of is steadily shrinking. Over the 5 years I was there, I saw this happen, little by little.
And what it reveals now more than anything is a grossly obvious hypocrisy. And a double standard so wide you could drive a fleet of semis through it.
If you are a kiss-ass. If you are someone who sucks up, and does what they want you to in support of the board, then the strict rules they have about things like "on board relationships" are set aside for you. Not only are they set aside, your relationship with the other member is celebrated and cheered on by the mods and owners!
At the same time, they are saying things like this. "If you find yourself in a relationship with another member, then you don't need this board anymore and you should be gone".
Fucking hypocrites.
They encourage and love adulation as authority figures. They constantly talk about how hard it is to be a moderator and that the members have "no idea" what goes on behind the scenes.
Here's a newsflash, assholes. You volunteered to be a moderator. So fucking suck it up, and stop your fucking whining, or get the fuck out.
Don't whine to the members and expect all sorts of kudos and praise for what you do, all the while lamenting how hard your "job" is. Face it. If you didn't LOVE it, you would never have volunteered. And you do love the power it gives you.
So stop the fucking bullshit and the fishing for compliments. Just do your fucking job. Or get out and go arrange flowers or make pine cone baskets if you can't deal with it. Nobody forced you to run that site or to be a moderator. So please. Shut the fuck up. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel bad for you. You ASKED for the job. Suck it up.
What I despise is when people take something that allows for free expression...and then they get it...and then, they don't like what some people say. They don't like criticism. So they shut it down. The make it "my way or the highway". Well, they have that right.
But it doesn't make it good and noble.
It just makes it self-serving.
For all the good that board has done. It has NOTHING to do with the owners or the moderators. It has everything to do with the members who help each other.
What it is now is a pale ghost of what it once was. It used to be a free and safe place to express what you feel and to express your opinions.
It is now a place where your opinion is okay, so long as they APPROVE of the content of your speech.
King George would have approved.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Nobody cares about quality. Cheap is all that matters..
That is the conclusion I have come to.
I have spent thousands of hours, many hundreds of days out with my cameras. I have worked hard to improve my craft, and to be able to get amazing and beautiful shots.
I am told by everyone I meet how impressed they are with the work. How I should be on staff at National Geographic. How they just know a book I would do would sell well, and I'd be "famous" someday.
Bullshit.
Let's get real.
Consumers today want junk. They want the pretty painting or photo on the cheap paper. Purchased at Wal Mart for $9.99 in the discount bin. Or at Michael's on one of their racks.
Uninspired, looks just like everything else, poor quality materials.
It's fucking trash, people.
But people love their trash. And why?
Because it is CHEAP. And "pretty" to them.
And it is beyond discouraging.
I already knew to some degree that many people would not be interested in paying $25.00 for a custom, high-end, top quality materials calendar with my photos printed on them.
What I didn't realize is that NOBODY would be interested.
I received the Ducks Unlimited Magazine 2011 calendar in the mail yesterday.
And you know what? If fucking sucks. Most of the photos from members are "blah" at best. Some are horrible. A few are pretty decent. And the paper? Like that of an insert in your Sunday newspaper. With 3 metal staples holding it together. Wow. Awesome! *barf*
I didn't enter their contest in time this year. Now, I am glad I didn't. Because I would hate to be one of the winners and have my shot on that piece of shit.
When I put my name on something, it encompasses all of who I am, to represent my work and my striving for excellence. That I am proud of the work I have accomplished. That it does indeed measure up as world class. I wouldn't publish it otherwise. I only want my best out there. And it better be as good as anything else out there. Or I will work harder to get better shots until it is.
Yes, that's pride. But it's more than that.
It's me. The photographs I take are looking at the world through my eyes. It's intensely personal. It means a lot to me. And I want it to be inspiring and beautiful.
I just can't throw out some run of the mill shot of a Goldfinch or a Cardinal because Hallmark cards demand that those colorful, pretty birds be the ones everyone wants.
If you want to have a photograph where time stands still. Where you can be amazed at what nature can show you. If you want to know what it's like to be there, in some small way, to see those incredible moments....then buy one of my photographs.
If you want something pretty for your walls?
Go to fucking Wal Mart.
I have spent thousands of hours, many hundreds of days out with my cameras. I have worked hard to improve my craft, and to be able to get amazing and beautiful shots.
I am told by everyone I meet how impressed they are with the work. How I should be on staff at National Geographic. How they just know a book I would do would sell well, and I'd be "famous" someday.
Bullshit.
Let's get real.
Consumers today want junk. They want the pretty painting or photo on the cheap paper. Purchased at Wal Mart for $9.99 in the discount bin. Or at Michael's on one of their racks.
Uninspired, looks just like everything else, poor quality materials.
It's fucking trash, people.
But people love their trash. And why?
Because it is CHEAP. And "pretty" to them.
And it is beyond discouraging.
I already knew to some degree that many people would not be interested in paying $25.00 for a custom, high-end, top quality materials calendar with my photos printed on them.
What I didn't realize is that NOBODY would be interested.
I received the Ducks Unlimited Magazine 2011 calendar in the mail yesterday.
And you know what? If fucking sucks. Most of the photos from members are "blah" at best. Some are horrible. A few are pretty decent. And the paper? Like that of an insert in your Sunday newspaper. With 3 metal staples holding it together. Wow. Awesome! *barf*
I didn't enter their contest in time this year. Now, I am glad I didn't. Because I would hate to be one of the winners and have my shot on that piece of shit.
When I put my name on something, it encompasses all of who I am, to represent my work and my striving for excellence. That I am proud of the work I have accomplished. That it does indeed measure up as world class. I wouldn't publish it otherwise. I only want my best out there. And it better be as good as anything else out there. Or I will work harder to get better shots until it is.
Yes, that's pride. But it's more than that.
It's me. The photographs I take are looking at the world through my eyes. It's intensely personal. It means a lot to me. And I want it to be inspiring and beautiful.
I just can't throw out some run of the mill shot of a Goldfinch or a Cardinal because Hallmark cards demand that those colorful, pretty birds be the ones everyone wants.
If you want to have a photograph where time stands still. Where you can be amazed at what nature can show you. If you want to know what it's like to be there, in some small way, to see those incredible moments....then buy one of my photographs.
If you want something pretty for your walls?
Go to fucking Wal Mart.
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