Dealing with "Triggers"

Yesterday, a friend who shared a similar past, and who was also a member of the infidelity support board we used to belong to, contacted me on Facebook.

She wanted to talk about a few things, including a family member she discovered was cheating on her husband.

So we got to talking about it. And through the course of the rather lengthy chat session, she went on to talk at length about her own experiences.

Which started bringing back memories of mine. And one after another, each thing she said would trigger another set of memories.

And I felt myself reliving it. Feeling the pain again. The despair.

I have worked very, very hard at trying to put all of that away. There is nothing I can do to undo it. Nothing I will ever be able to do to change what was.

I have been in a long process of moving on. The greater the distance, the more time that passes, the easier it becomes.

But every once in a while, something can set you reeling. It's like hitting "rewind" at full speed.

I'm better about it today.

But after that conversation yesterday, I was spiraling down fast. A mess of emotions and bad memories all swirling in my head.

I am not sure how to deal with these kinds of "triggering" events, except to do all I can to deflect them.

I don't really want to talk about infidelity anymore. I don't want to know. While I can certainly empathize with those who are there, or who have been there.

I'm DONE with it.

I spent 5 years helping others deal with the issues, the pain, the lies, the heartbreak. And in turn, I was helped by them.

But you reach a point where dipping your foot anywhere in that water is to have your whole body sucked in and under the surface.

This is another part of my learning process.

A selfishness, perhaps...born of necessity.

I can ill afford to revisit that place. To wallow anymore. To allow myself to get wrapped around my painful past, and live there.

And these kinds of issues and things are ripe with the ability to drag me back down.

I'm back on my feet today.

But yesterday was a visit back to hell.

I'm not going back there. I did my time.

Awakening....and beginning to understand.

For what seems like an endless amount of time.

I have allowed myself to wallow in self pity. To lament. To look backwards.

I am starting to understand. What and why. And what to do.

I am coming to grips with pain and loss. I am finally starting to put it in the box labeled "do not open".

But I have to respect it.

And I have to thank it.

Because without it, I would not be on the path I am now.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. A law of physics.

And in my case, a law of nature.

It has taken me years to get to this point. Years. Maybe a lifetime.

The universe has tried to guide me throughout my life.

It took me half a century to start to see.

Since I was a very young child. All I wanted was to be outside. To lay in the grass and look up at the sky. To look at the butterflies, the moths, the birds. The fish. The animals that lived all around me.

When I look back. I realize. I was happiest when I was there. When I was part of it.

Nature and I are inexorably intertwined.

This is so hard to put into words. Because it exists on a level that is felt and experienced, not easily described with mere text.

All the events of my life served to show me.

That what we do, echoes in eternity. Not just in how we live our lives, but that we live our lives doing what we are meant to do.

To be free to be the person we are supposed to be, means we are obligated to be the person we are supposed to be. (nod to Kris Kristofferson for that line).

When we step aside from that, and think we know better. When we make decisions that go against it. We suffer. We are unhappy.

I believe we all have a reason, a purpose, and a mission in our lives. It is not predestined, but it is most definitely guided.

We fit into this ancient and incredible, living world, in ways we don't often comprehend.

The other denizens of this planet, who have been here far longer than we can even comprehend, all know this.

We are so advanced, we have lost touch with it. We cannot see.

But when we start to open our hearts and our minds and our soul, we can start to. And we can begin the process.

For me, it took adversity and loss and pain. Because I was not following the path I was meant to be on.

I did what I thought I should do. What everyone does.

And it was the wrong choice.

The universe tried to show me, as a young child, and then at many times during my life, what I should do. What I could be, to give the most and best of myself back to this world, to other people, to the creatures I share this world with.

There are hundreds of times now in my memories, where I can NOW, finally see that influence.

If you are truly blessed. You finally reach a point in your life when you know what you are supposed to be. What you are supposed to do. And when you do.

You can finally be happy. Even if the rest of the world will never understand.

All that matters, is that you do.

Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying

I'm unemployed.

Looking for a job still, one that I may actually be able to do, and survive. With no insane commute, no over the top pressure and stress.

I can't take that kind of thing anymore.

After 30 years of commuting, and well over a million miles, my body and my soul cannot withstand it anymore.

I've taken all sorts of hits. Some are because of the actions of others. Some are because of bad choices on my part.

I've lived inside of a bottle. I've known depression on a massive scale.

I've cried "woe is me" way too many times.

But I always seem to be able to somehow...pull myself up from my knees.

I don't have anything.

But I do have spirit. I do have a drive inside of me.

And I remember that line in "Shawshank Redemption", as told by Morgan Freeman's character.

So, while I am still sitting here, still unemployed. With obligations surrounding me. Pay the alimony. Pay the cell phone bill. Lets not forget the car insurance.

So, what am I going to do?

I'll tell you.

I am going to get busy living.

I am hopping a plane with a friend to spend 4 days in Florida and going to shoot at one of the most gorgeous wildlife refuges on the planet.

Yeah.

Gonna live.

And all you can see are the years passing by....

I've come to see a common pattern among many of the friends I run into, who are out in the field, photographing or observing the birds.

While there is a smattering of young people...

So many of us are older.

Some of that has to do with the fact that when we are older, many are retired and have time to get out and enjoy the hobby.

But there is more.

What I have run into, more often than not.

Are shattered lives.

People who lost it all. Who have nothing left. Who lost their marriages, their jobs, and their fortunes.

Who find peace and happiness in nature.

So many.

And there is a huge difference in the way we look at things and pursue or love and our passion, from those who have not had the hardship.

I have seen many people with great jobs, or great pensions and tons of money, tons of great gear I will never be able to afford. They are impatient. They want the shots. They want their gear to do the work for them. After all, they spent the 50 grand on the lenses and cameras, so they deserve it, right?

The best photographs of nature and the birds I have ever seen come from people with no wealth, no fortune, no wives. No family left. The ones who have lost everything in their life.

Because what they do comes from the heart. With a sense of great pain to overcome. We will sit for 6 hours in one spot to wait for the perfect shot. We will learn about and appreciate and love the birds we photograph.

Because we aren't there to win some award for having the best gear. To show off. To pretend we work for National Geographic.

We will brave the freezing winds, and the insane heat and biting flies of Summer.

Why?

Because when you have lost everything in your life. You are stronger and more determined, and the chance to see that one scene. To capture that one shot. Is what finding heaven is all about.

It's about heart. It's about what is in your soul.

The best of us out there are not the ones who live large.

The best of us are the ones who have lost all.

When do you know?

If your life is worth working for, worth living.

Or worth giving up on.

So many mixed emotions.

I have been struggling for so long now, I don't seem to know any other way.

There are things that give me hope and promise.

Then, there are realities, which make me realize I may never be able to break the shackles the hold me to the ground.

I am tired of this.

I have paid every bit of the dues I owe.

In work. In life.

I will not settle for a life of hellish bullshit just to pay the bills, to pay those I owe.

Because I owe no one.

I paid that price, in sweat, tears and blood.

Time for me and for my life.

It's been nearly 53 years.

I've done my time in hell.

No more.

Convergence

At a time in my life when the future beckons, while filled with sacrifices and loss, in order to have what I require....

It all comes together at once.

After nearly 15 months without work, I start a new job in 48 hours. A hellish commute. A huge challenge. A monumental change.

And as it all comes to the fore, the remnants of my family are in turmoil and disarray.

My ex wife is falling apart emotionally, dealing with our son, and with her injury and her condition.

My daughter, having had enough, moved out of my ex's home a month ago, to live with a friend 3 states away.

The whole thing crumbles before my eyes.

And I can do nothing.

Nor should I.

This is the result of decisions and events long past.

But for me to sit here this evening and look upon this is gut wrenching.

I could no more hold that family together than I could hoist the world on my shoulders. Powerless. I watch it dissolve.

What once was a dream. Of a husband and wife growing older, with children moving on in their lives and starting new ones for themselves...

Becomes a lost pipe dream. Something that will never happen. No matter how much my heart wishes it would have been possible.

I scratch and claw and work towards a future for me. So that I can be self sufficient. Pay my bills. Be able to keep a roof over my head.

And I stand and watch as all the dreams I once had burn.

This is beyond painful.

This is like standing witness to an apocalypse.

I know I cannot prevent it.

I know I cannot save it.

It is long gone.

But the pain is not.

And it never will be.

I cannot stand anymore to be witness to the death of my hopes and dreams.

Rip the heart from my chest.

It would be merciful, compared to what I feel now.

Good enough,

Yeah, I am.

After years. Decades even. Of being told I wasn't. Of watching so many walk away.

I am good enough.

In business. After a long hard slog, I finally have a new job. A new gig. Good rate. Great income. A new chance at a life.

But what resounds in my head through all of this, is how I go it alone.

So many. SO many women who have either flirted with me or admired me from afar were and are unable to be my partner.

They just can't do it. They have a million excuses. They have other men, more convenient to them. Better suited.

Your loss.

I am going to make it. In a little over 2 years, I get a great pension. I will be living in God's territory, doing what I love.

And so many will have passed on the opportunity.

To be a part of my future.

I go it alone.

As it was meant to be.

For what could have been, I will hold a funeral pyre.

For those dreams left to be someone else's, I will burn it down.

But in the end I will be free.

And alone.

Not because I chose this path.

But because you did.

Oh, you want to join me? Really?

Willing to go the distance?

Willing to risk it all to win?

Nah, you won't.

Because nobody out there has either the guts or the vision to see what could be theirs.

What a shame.

What you could have had. ..

Just watch and listen.

I grew up with CSN. This song was and is one of my all time favorites. It says everything I need to. So, I won't type anymore...

Watch and listen here.

The Right Path

For nights so long that they darkened the day to follow,

For the toll of a bell, ringing clear and sharp,

Defining with each ring, a loss. A cutting wound.

Until the ringing remained after the bell fell silent.

Tears fell without sobbing. As if from a river within me, with no other course to follow.

From my knees, the heavens look impossibly far.

But their beauty is unyielding.

Time slowed to an anguishing crawl. As if locked in place, chained to my feet.

The rest of the world raced on.

But for me.

At the very last, with no resolve left to summon.

With no battle cry to be heard.

I gave up the fight. And I succumbed. I surrendered.

And at that moment,

My life was returned to me.

For when you lay down your arms and your shield, you can grab hold with both hands.

Of the people you love. Who love you.

You can hold onto hope.

And you can reach out your hands, and let those who love you, help you to your feet.

So that you may walk again.

And my tears became a smile.

For what life gives us, it also takes away...

The last few weeks have been a time of monumental change in my life.

After over a year without work, I am about to embark on a new job, a new chance. A great paying gig as a consultant, with a fantastic company.

That brings with it challenges all their own. Relocation. Moving things. Preparing.

But those are mostly logistical in nature. Stressful to be sure, but it's just a matter of getting things done.

And during the same time that I got this new lease on life, the past and the dreams of a life long gone arise to tear at my heart, and my soul.

I will never have that family life that some enjoy. A long marriage, the kids growing older and getting out on their own, as we bask in the glow of nearing retirement, and having the quintessential happy American family.

Does it even exist?

For some, I guess it does.

For me, it is on the ash heap of shattered dreams, and scorched earth.

The whole world around me seems to crumble.

My daughter has moved out of the home she shared with my ex-wife. After a huge argument, she left. She's living with a friend. And doing well. I am happy for that.

My son is busy and doing what he enjoys. Working hard, and spending many long days out. He still lives with my ex-wife, but for how long? Probably not a lot longer.

Today, I dutifully picked up some cigarettes and delivered them to my ex-wife, as a favor for her.

When I got there, she was sobbing. She sits in a leg cast in a wheelchair with a broken knee, alone in her house. Afraid and hurting. Her boyfriend and her are done, and she has nobody to help her. She desperately wants and needs someone to help her.

And it will not be me.

A long time ago, she was the love of my life. The mother of my children. I felt her pain and anguish, over the decisions she has made, and the things that have fallen against her.

6 years ago, she stood powerful and defiant. She threw me out of our home, divorced me, and thought the future was hers to have. With an affair partner that had money and means, and who was going to take care of everything.

She cast me to the winds, after almost 30 years of dating and marriage.

And in the end.

I stand here ready to chart a new life. Unable to accept quitting as an option, I am on the brink of a new beginning.

And she is suffering and alone, and our children are moving on.

I do not revel in this. I take no delight.

I can only hang my head.

Nothing I can do will change what is.

But the pain and loss that has ensued from the decisions she made all those years ago, has ripped through my life and hers. And there is no joy here. There is no victory. There is no celebration.

There is only the awareness of a life that is lost. A life that could have been.

And all that remains are ashes.

And I pick myself up from those. And spread my wings.

With tears streaming from my cheeks, I head to the skies.