For what seems like an endless amount of time.
I have allowed myself to wallow in self pity. To lament. To look backwards.
I am starting to understand. What and why. And what to do.
I am coming to grips with pain and loss. I am finally starting to put it in the box labeled "do not open".
But I have to respect it.
And I have to thank it.
Because without it, I would not be on the path I am now.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. A law of physics.
And in my case, a law of nature.
It has taken me years to get to this point. Years. Maybe a lifetime.
The universe has tried to guide me throughout my life.
It took me half a century to start to see.
Since I was a very young child. All I wanted was to be outside. To lay in the grass and look up at the sky. To look at the butterflies, the moths, the birds. The fish. The animals that lived all around me.
When I look back. I realize. I was happiest when I was there. When I was part of it.
Nature and I are inexorably intertwined.
This is so hard to put into words. Because it exists on a level that is felt and experienced, not easily described with mere text.
All the events of my life served to show me.
That what we do, echoes in eternity. Not just in how we live our lives, but that we live our lives doing what we are meant to do.
To be free to be the person we are supposed to be, means we are obligated to be the person we are supposed to be. (nod to Kris Kristofferson for that line).
When we step aside from that, and think we know better. When we make decisions that go against it. We suffer. We are unhappy.
I believe we all have a reason, a purpose, and a mission in our lives. It is not predestined, but it is most definitely guided.
We fit into this ancient and incredible, living world, in ways we don't often comprehend.
The other denizens of this planet, who have been here far longer than we can even comprehend, all know this.
We are so advanced, we have lost touch with it. We cannot see.
But when we start to open our hearts and our minds and our soul, we can start to. And we can begin the process.
For me, it took adversity and loss and pain. Because I was not following the path I was meant to be on.
I did what I thought I should do. What everyone does.
And it was the wrong choice.
The universe tried to show me, as a young child, and then at many times during my life, what I should do. What I could be, to give the most and best of myself back to this world, to other people, to the creatures I share this world with.
There are hundreds of times now in my memories, where I can NOW, finally see that influence.
If you are truly blessed. You finally reach a point in your life when you know what you are supposed to be. What you are supposed to do. And when you do.
You can finally be happy. Even if the rest of the world will never understand.
All that matters, is that you do.
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I've been thinking a bit like that too. I know what I wanted or want, but it's mostly other things that get me off the path, my family, etc. Back in early 2003 I wanted so bad to stay at the old school I was at, I had great friends there and we acted like a team, then because of my few bad grades I had to leave. I was forced to by my mother etc. The grades did get better on the other school, proving it was the teacher, but that one left the old school year later or so so it didn't really matter that much. But...I left..and I lost most of my friends. I had to lie to them too, so they won't tell it to teachers to become suspicious and make my life more difficult. But that new school, it was a path to descruction, in order to have better grades I had to give myself in it and then be terrorized by a school gang and slowly go to the path of unstoppable loss and destruction. That was the turning point, one of the many. One of those that I shouldn't have ever taken, but then again, I was pushed to it and there was nothing much I could do. And it still happens to this day, but realistically, the money is the problem. It all rules the "world" now and you can't do anything. It is all slavery if you think about it. People think they are free, but it is the opposite and it has became far worse in recent years....but maybe one should take big riscs to get back on the track.
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