Convergence

At a time in my life when the future beckons, while filled with sacrifices and loss, in order to have what I require....

It all comes together at once.

After nearly 15 months without work, I start a new job in 48 hours. A hellish commute. A huge challenge. A monumental change.

And as it all comes to the fore, the remnants of my family are in turmoil and disarray.

My ex wife is falling apart emotionally, dealing with our son, and with her injury and her condition.

My daughter, having had enough, moved out of my ex's home a month ago, to live with a friend 3 states away.

The whole thing crumbles before my eyes.

And I can do nothing.

Nor should I.

This is the result of decisions and events long past.

But for me to sit here this evening and look upon this is gut wrenching.

I could no more hold that family together than I could hoist the world on my shoulders. Powerless. I watch it dissolve.

What once was a dream. Of a husband and wife growing older, with children moving on in their lives and starting new ones for themselves...

Becomes a lost pipe dream. Something that will never happen. No matter how much my heart wishes it would have been possible.

I scratch and claw and work towards a future for me. So that I can be self sufficient. Pay my bills. Be able to keep a roof over my head.

And I stand and watch as all the dreams I once had burn.

This is beyond painful.

This is like standing witness to an apocalypse.

I know I cannot prevent it.

I know I cannot save it.

It is long gone.

But the pain is not.

And it never will be.

I cannot stand anymore to be witness to the death of my hopes and dreams.

Rip the heart from my chest.

It would be merciful, compared to what I feel now.