For what life gives us, it also takes away...

The last few weeks have been a time of monumental change in my life.

After over a year without work, I am about to embark on a new job, a new chance. A great paying gig as a consultant, with a fantastic company.

That brings with it challenges all their own. Relocation. Moving things. Preparing.

But those are mostly logistical in nature. Stressful to be sure, but it's just a matter of getting things done.

And during the same time that I got this new lease on life, the past and the dreams of a life long gone arise to tear at my heart, and my soul.

I will never have that family life that some enjoy. A long marriage, the kids growing older and getting out on their own, as we bask in the glow of nearing retirement, and having the quintessential happy American family.

Does it even exist?

For some, I guess it does.

For me, it is on the ash heap of shattered dreams, and scorched earth.

The whole world around me seems to crumble.

My daughter has moved out of the home she shared with my ex-wife. After a huge argument, she left. She's living with a friend. And doing well. I am happy for that.

My son is busy and doing what he enjoys. Working hard, and spending many long days out. He still lives with my ex-wife, but for how long? Probably not a lot longer.

Today, I dutifully picked up some cigarettes and delivered them to my ex-wife, as a favor for her.

When I got there, she was sobbing. She sits in a leg cast in a wheelchair with a broken knee, alone in her house. Afraid and hurting. Her boyfriend and her are done, and she has nobody to help her. She desperately wants and needs someone to help her.

And it will not be me.

A long time ago, she was the love of my life. The mother of my children. I felt her pain and anguish, over the decisions she has made, and the things that have fallen against her.

6 years ago, she stood powerful and defiant. She threw me out of our home, divorced me, and thought the future was hers to have. With an affair partner that had money and means, and who was going to take care of everything.

She cast me to the winds, after almost 30 years of dating and marriage.

And in the end.

I stand here ready to chart a new life. Unable to accept quitting as an option, I am on the brink of a new beginning.

And she is suffering and alone, and our children are moving on.

I do not revel in this. I take no delight.

I can only hang my head.

Nothing I can do will change what is.

But the pain and loss that has ensued from the decisions she made all those years ago, has ripped through my life and hers. And there is no joy here. There is no victory. There is no celebration.

There is only the awareness of a life that is lost. A life that could have been.

And all that remains are ashes.

And I pick myself up from those. And spread my wings.

With tears streaming from my cheeks, I head to the skies.