What I could do with 750,000 dollars. And what someone else did with it.

A good friend of mine has an ex-husband who for lack of a better word, is a glutton. He consumes everything. He can never have enough. He makes a monstrous salary and commissions in the sales world, and he received a $750K inheritance less than a year ago from his mother, who passed away. I have it from my friend that he has spent nearly all of that money, in less than a year. On luxury. On dining out. On an insanely expensive boat that he maintains, and on God only knows what else.

What could I do, with $750K?

Let me tell you. All of the below will fit in $750K.

I could pay off my father's debts and allow him to keep this house for at least 2 more years. He wouldn't have to work, as he is trying to do now, at age 78.

I could buy and build a small house for myself on the lake property, and move there, once again having a place of my own. I'd also have enough to use for a bit of start up money to get my photography work really rolling and make a modest income.

I could send enough money to my friends, Laurene and Marc, and allow them to breathe easy for a couple years on their mortgage payments and medical bills, while they struggle to stay afloat with two autistic children.

I could pay off my son's education loan, and my daughter's college loans.

I could buy each of them (son and daughter) a reliable used car. And get my daughter driving lessons so that she would finally be able to not be afraid of driving, and get the mobility she needs.

I could even set them up with an apartment. Fully paid rent for a year.

I could pay off all my residual debts, and avoid Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which I am facing.

I could send my brother in California enough money to ease his burdens and make it possible for him to look for other venues (such as singing and recording, or acting, or some other profession where he has talent). For at least a year or two.

I could send money to my dear friend Pat in a little town outside of Pittsburgh. Enough so that she could breathe easy for a couple of years, and not have to kill herself in the job she is in. Maybe enough to pay for college courses, so she could have enough to pay her expenses and go to school for 2 years to get an associates degree, and then a good paying job afterward.

I could send a nice wad of cash to my ex-wife as a payment for alimony from me for at least 3 years worth, to get her off my back until I give her 40 percent of my pension (in 2013).

I would give a few thousand dollars to the Lighthouse Center (NREF NJ) to help offset the damage done to the buildings by vandals this past year, and a terrible Nor'Easter that hit.

I would send some money down to my brother Tom, to help out with paying for both of his daughters being in college and having to deal with all those expenses.

I would send a lifetime supply of Reuben sandwich lunches to Karyn and her SO, Jonathan, and her kids, so they could eat at the Goshen diner for the rest of their lives, on the house.

I would send a few grand over to Jeanette, just because she is a great friend and has suffered huge, losing her career as a policewoman due to injury (and discrimination). Maybe helping to offset some of the cost of raising all those kids and trying to make ends meet.

I would give my friend Jack enough money to not have to work the 50 hours a week at nights breaking down pallets at Shop Rite, so that he could spend more time with his cameras at the refuge doing what he loves, and taking care of his dying father at home. After his divorce, which destroyed his life and took his life savings and pension.

I'd send Joe enough money to finally afford that 200-400mm Nikon F4 lens. He could retire his Sigma, and really kick ass as the great photographer he is.

I would donate a nice chunk of change to Survivinginfidelity.com, as God knows how many people it helps, and how many lives they have saved.

All of this and more I could do with $750K.

Lives changed. Burdens eased. Maybe even a second chance for some wonderful, long suffering people.

And I would. If I had $750K.

But one man did have it. And he spent it on himself. And his own insatiable desire for more.

May he burn in hell.

For all that I alone could do with that money, if only.

How Divorce Destroys Your Life Forever

At least in the state of New Jersey. If you are male, and if you were the sole or primary source of income in a long marriage.

I am now 4 years out from when my divorce was final. I detail in the book the circumstances of how the divorce came about (she cheated for the second time, filed a restraining order to get me out of the house and to get leverage, and filed for divorce the same day).

But what I want to really talk about is what it does to you after all is said and done. What it's done to me.

The divorce settlement that was forced on me included lifetime alimony. In the state of NJ, this is still commonplace, and even my attorney said that given my 23 year marriage, with her being at home all that time, any of the judges I would get would award lifetime alimony if it went to trial.

My attorney also advised me that based on what she knew of the judges (and she knew all of them), the amount that would be awarded would be 28-33 percent of my GROSS income, for the rest of my life.

That amounts to half my take home pay.

Forever.

In addition to that, half of all assets, and approximately 40 percent of my pension would go to her.

I still cannot wrap my head around how brutal this is. How grossly unfair. Criminal even.

The piece missing from all this legal bullshit is that the courts do not care about marital conduct.

She decided to leave the marriage. She decided to find another man to be with, while married to me. And I pay for it.

It would be the same settlement if she cheated with the entire NY Giants football team. Or, if I was the one who betrayed her.

Now, if that had been the case (if I were the one who cheated and filed for divorce), I could understand a punitive alimony being awarded.

But all I am here is a victim. One that she would use her attorney, the courts, and other means to utterly pound me into the ground and all but destroy me.

Because of the enormous amount of money I had to pay her every month in alimony, I was forced to continue to try to find jobs that paid the same great salary as the job I had when we divorced. A long career where I had to work my way up over nearly 30 years to reach that salary level. I have no college degree. I'm 52 years old next month. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants a man in my position. Too old. No degree. Doesn't matter what experience I have.

I managed to get a good job with a company I had worked with (they were a popular vendor that I spent millions of dollars with in my former role with my long-time employer). I was able to get a nice salary. Mostly because these people all knew me, and it was a small enough company that my reputation and abilities were a clear asset to them. Unfortunately, after a year, they were having financial problems yet again, and I (and a bunch of others) had to be laid off.

It was still virtually impossible during this job to afford my own place (a rented townhouse), pay off bills still owed from the divorce and marital debts, and pay her the outrageous alimony.

Before moving out to my own townhouse, I had spent a year living in my parent's loft bedroom. It took money from my parents to be able to move out and into my own place, even with the new job.

Then I lost that job. I got a couple months notice pay (thank God), and 3 months later, I landed another job at a salary level less than before, but still enough to hopefully try to stay afloat and afford the enormous monthly payments to the ex-wife.

But this time, the job I had to take was the job from hell. It was a 4 hour a day commute, and as it would turn out, it was nothing more than a "body shop". My manager was a complete lunatic. An abusive, ADHD, probably NPD, hyperactive, lying, and incredibly manipulative and abusive man. It was pure hell. Utter living hell.

And I had taken this job solely because I had such a huge alimony obligation.

I would never have looked for a job at this level, or taken this job had I not had to pay that huge alimony support.

And so it goes. Such is the story of my life, post-divorce.

Unable to afford my own place, because no matter how much I make, most of it has to go to the ex-wife.

Right now, having lost that job from hell (and after an EEOC filing by me and a 21 page complaint filed against them), I was fired summarily by them. No reason given.

I live back with my father.

My mother died last year.

It has been one string of horrible losses after another for me. And still I owe her this money. Every month. As it sucks the life from me, and controls my future.

As it is now, I collect unemployment.

I live back in that same loft bedroom I did when I was thrown out of the house by my ex-wife.

And I have nothing.

She gets more than half my unemployment. I can barely pay what little bills I have left. I will never own a home again. I don't even know how I will ever be able to rent someplace, as my credit is ruined, and I am filing for bankruptcy.

The divorce has destroyed my life, and controls so much of my future.

She (the ex) has a job now and has for a couple years. A very low-paying job. So, the alimony can be adjusted down to compensate from her employment and as is permitted by law, since it is a change in circumstances.

But that just means that instead of $3500.00 per month paid to her, I might be able to get down to something like $2000.00 a month, if I ever get another decent job.

And it never ends.

When I retire and give her the couple hundred thousand dollars from MY pension, and if I only work a little to pay bills, I can petition the courts to see if they would lower my obligation or eliminate it. It's not a given, and it's not guaranteed.

Meanwhile, lets compare lives, shall we?

She dates and has boyfriends. She has her own 3 bedroom duplex, with some nice furnishings from the former marital home. She goes out to dinner, has a relationship (and sex of course), and lives in her own place.

I live in a bedroom with my 78 year old father. I am destitute and now unemployed.

No woman on earth is interested in a man like me in these circumstances. I have nothing to offer them. And even if I start working again, I still have very little to offer anyone. God only knows if I could even get a place to rent.

No money to go out anywhere. Not even a cheap dinner date. No privacy. No place of my own. Not a fucking thing.

So, I cannot even afford to go on a date. I can barely afford gasoline for the car.

But nothing on Earth will stop her from getting her money. Even if my dad has to chip in some of his own to allow her to stay in her place.

Nobody was there to save me. Nobody ever will be.

It is as if I am still married to her, financially. And will be forever.

How and why is written that a man like me can be treated this way. Cheated on. Abused. Tossed out like garbage. And be made to support the very person who did this to me. As a matter of LAW???!

I can't get those six-figure jobs anymore. I'm too old, and in this economy, with no degree? I don't stand a chance in hell.

Nor do I want to work in that field anymore. I've had enough. I've done my time. I am looking (or was) to retirement and working something less stressful and for a lot less money.

My future looks bleak. There's no two ways around it.

Because of this divorce, and the punitive and grossly unfair laws, and the way I have been victimized, I can never be free of this.

I will pay and pay. Forever.

She gets to have a life. She gets most of her bills paid by me. It's on my dime.

And she can have a social life. A love life. Her own job even, and still I pay.

My life and my future have been destroyed by a 5'2" tall woman with a good lawyer.

Welcome to what it means to be a man divorced in the state of NJ.

Kiss your life goodbye.

Correspondence with a friend.

A friend who also has known the pain of infidelity. Their life is different, in that they are still trying to reconcile with their husband.

I am divorced 4 years now.

After I wrote the response to her email to me, I realized how much it reveals about how I feel, how I look at the world. So, I thought why not share it here.

I am editing it slightly to make it more germane to a blog post, instead of a reply to a friend.

She was responding to a comment I made. "But what I guess is hard for me to articulate to people is how my life is really a very sad and painful one."

She told me that she felt the same. That even though she was trying to make a go of it, that there was such an overwhelming feeling of loss and pain and reminders. And how hard it was to keep putting on a good face every day. In hopes that somewhere down the road, there would be more happiness than sadness. But she lamented that the small "victories" in her life were always overshadowed by the enormity of the loss and pain caused by betrayal.

Here is my response.

----------------

No, the small victories seem hollow, and they don't last. That is why I need to constantly go to the refuge, to constantly go out and enjoy nature. To be out doing something with my cameras. Learning, trying to enjoy each day. But I need it every day, almost.

I can't even begin to describe how lonely, sad and hurting I am. It is because of that hurt that I try so hard to overcome it. With my creativity, and with being out doing something I love.

It's like trying to put the gas pedal to the floor every minute, to outrun what is behind me.

You said: "Such pain I never knew existed" -

Oh my god, yes. So very true.

I have come so close to throwing in the towel, so many times. Wanting to just lay there and hope that the whole miserable thing would end.

For me, it has been the length of time and the string of constant losses. It was bad enough that she cheated and we divorced. What has happened since that time has been absolutely crushing. It never seems to end, and it never improves.

I lose one job and then another. One home, and then another. All of my assets, my savings.

My mother.

And all the while, the world goes on around me. Former lovers find wonderful happiness with new partners. They laugh, and love. They talk about their great new men, how happy they are. They have new homes, great lives. Take vacations. Enjoy their work. They are prosperous, in love, and happy.

Watching them move on to happy lives, loved and cared for, and smiling. Talking of the wonderful things happening for them. It is like watching a world I could have had. If only.

And I sink farther into the abyss.

There never will be anyone to save me. Though God I wish there was.

I have to try to save myself.

I have for lack of a better word, a theme song that seems to tell the very story of who I am and where I am at, and how it feels. How I feel.

"Wild Again" by Starship.

You've probably heard it. But if not, take a listen.

http://www.fusioncreativedesign.com/WildAgain.wma

People either try to say uplifting or encouraging things, or they walk away because they don't know how or want to deal with the pain and sorrow they see in me. They simply don't know what to do, because there is nothing they can do.

I do what I can as well to stay upbeat when I am around people. But I can't always hide what the story of my eyes tells them. Perceptive people can see the overwhelming pain, and the scars of the long battle written on my face.

My life has been hell. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

But there is a spark still inside of me that won't allow me to quit, though at times I dearly wish I could.

I think those that truly survive this are the ones who find new, lasting love. The people for whom someone else cares about, and then shares with them. Love is healing and nurturing, when it is kind and unselfish. I don't think you can heal without it.

I think all you can do then, is survive.

Like me.

Bolide

That's how I'd describe myself.

A meteor of extreme brightness, that casts a shadow on the ground, and leaves a trail that can be seen as it streaks across the sky.

Before it burns up for good.

I guess nobody besides me see this.

Oh well.

I hope to make a real impression while I can. While I'm shining. Doing what I love.

It can't last.

But then again, I no longer care if it does.

Just living in the moment.

Vision

What makes me good at Nature Photography is my vision. Not my acuity, but my ability to see, to remember, to notice movement. To be aware of what fits and what doesn't. To react quickly.

But that "vision" I have also extends to my entire life and my memories.

I have, for lack of a better term, a "Photographic" memory. All the images of my life. Replete with the emotions I felt at the time, are always there.

I have to work very hard sometimes to not let them overcome me.

It's my strength in many ways. I can see so much. I can remember so much. But it's a curse.

I can't shake the memories I want to. I can't stop reliving the emotions. The heartaches, pain, loss and yearnings. The good times while in love and the romantic and wonderful times I've had.

I keep running. Harder and harder. Faster and faster.

Trying to burn them out of there. Trying to find the erase button.

I'm working so hard to forge a new life and make new memories.

But the past and all of the billions of images and feelings and moments won't go.

I do what I do to put distance behind me.

But every time I look in the rear-view mirror, there they are.

Time for some venting and ranting.

I don't do this a lot, but I'm good at it when I do.

Lets start with those people from my former career. The world of big business and IT.

Today, the industry is run by people without a clue, who talk in business-speak and don't know their fucking ass from a hole in the ground.

They spend days on powerpoint presentations with little or no value, and talk of "economies of scale" and "harvesting the low hanging fruit".

Truth is, the industry is run by fucking morons who couldn't skim the leaves off a pool if they had a net and and instruction manual.

They hire fucking idiots from India or Malaysia or kids just out of their garage or God knows where who come to the USA looking for a job. They can quote the Linux manuals, but have no practical experience running a datacenter. No maturity. No idea of what it means to put together an infrastructure and deal with your users and clients.

The world of IT is turned on it's head.

The inmates are running the asylum.

They get all excited over tweaking the kernel or in their "awesome" script writing ability, but they are lost in the details.

No wonder we are failing in every area.

They hire young, and cheap.

And frankly, stupid.

But that's okay, because the bottom line is a lot better when you can pay some fucking idiot 60 or 70 grand a year as opposed to a seasoned veteran (who really knows their shit) for 100 grand plus.

The focus is on youth. Young, stupid, cheap.

If one doesn't work out, hire another self important geek with no experience and see how that works.

Lets not forget that young folks are much more likely to stand in lock step with the company line. No independent thinkers here. Just a bunch of cattle ready for the slaughter.

Yeah, see you at the Six Sigma Training course...can't wait to get my "Black Belt".

Fucking idiots.

That is one reason I have left the world of HPC (High Performance Computing) and IT long behind.

It is run by clueless suits who only know how to fake being a real manager, and who hire fucking idiots who think they are God's gift, and can't fight their way out of a paper bag with both hands and a flashlight.

Saw this first hand. At Merck Research Labs, and even more egregious at the federal government, where I was hired by Raytheon to help out at the Geophysical Fluid Dynamic Laboratory in Princeton, NJ.

They spent most of their time trying to work on tape errors. The entire facility of supercomputers runs off of gigantic tape libraries. 30 year old technology. Your tax dollars at work.

The entrenched government people in their own IT departments are holdovers from the 60's who are there to get the great government pension.

It's the pinnacle of waste and lack of vision, and of thinking in terms that only a dinosaur would be comfortable with.

Raytheon was the contractor hired as "Systems Integrators" the depth of that role meant fixing tape problems, running cables, and installing disk racks. About as challenging to someone like me as stapling a stack of papers.

They took this to the absurd, mired in the process. It's all about being able to bill the customer. Not about doing real valuable work.

I did about 3 dozen disk installs as part of my job at Merck. Could do it in my sleep. It's trivial. Raytheon and the Federal Government needed 3 weeks of powerpoint work, daily meetings twice a day, and a plan that could choke a stable of horses just to justify their existence, for a stupid, easy fucking project that any half-assed datacenter manager could have figure out.

The world is run by fucking idiots.

The problem is, those idiots have the power, because they have the "in". It's their loyalty to the other fucking idiots who are in senior management that gives them their power.

China, Japan, and other 3rd world nations are going to clean our clock.

That's because the USA and Corporate America is now run by stupid, greedy people with no vested interest in success, only their own, and who have decided that outsourcing or hiring young, stupid fucking morons is the way to make it work.

They don't care about the product.

Only their own gains.

That's why I am now an author and a nature photographer.

Because what I do is real, and it matters. To me at least.

And I don't have to file the forms in triplicate with HR.

Fuck the corporate world.

I'm getting off for good.

Compensating for what you don't have.

In my case, it's camera gear.

Lately I've been marveling at some of the shots friends and others (on Flickr) have been getting. Yes, they are talented and they are good shots, taken by very talented photographers.

And I can also see immediately the incredible contrast, detail and sharpness of the images.

Taken with gear that costs more than all the computers, cameras, lenses and other possessions I have left in the world, combined.

It's obvious that I have gear that is good for a serious amateur, but not what the pros use.

At times it's depressing, because I cannot physically get the images they can. It's impossible. The lenses are not bright enough, fast enough. The camera bodies I own, although good are always just a notch below "Professional".

So, what do I do about it?

How can I get shots that are good enough for people to admire in a book, or anywhere else?

By killing myself in the effort, that's how.

For 4 out of the last 5 days, I have gotten up at 4:30AM to make sure I can get to the location I want to shoot at by sunrise, for the morning light. I spent an average of 10 hours out shooting each time.

183 days in the last 15 months.

I get some good shots, and a few great shots by sheer force of effort.

Worn out, run down, out of money. Out of a job. I just keep pushing forward. I try for something new and different. I try so fucking hard it's unreal.

I got a comment today from someone that I am probably at the Forsythe refuge more than the people that work there.

Probably true.

My feeble cameras and lenses are pushed to their limits with me trying to capture something new and interesting.

I miss many shots. The gear can't do what the professional gear can. It's slower, clumsier, and can't do fast shutter speeds in low light.

But I have fired the shutter Ten Thousand Times in Four Days.

Sheer force of will and effort to capture the amazing things I see.

At the end of the day, I come and greet my very lonely dogs, and I barely see my dad.

I pour myself a drink, or two.

I listen to my music.

I scan through the thousands of images.

I find a few good ones.

Once in a while a great one.

I'm doing this book not because I am a great photographer with tremendous gear.

I'm doing it because I would rather die in the attempt than lose yet again.

I'm giving this my all. Every last hour and minute, and every dollar I can squeeze out of unemployment insurance.

Sometimes I am discouraged because I have always had to fight my way. I never have the best of anything. I have to make do.

I have pushed my cameras to the point where I exceeded the limit of shutter actuations it was designed for. In ONE YEAR.

I will get the shots. Not because I am great. Not because I am talented more than the best out there.

But because I would rather die than not try. Because I love it.

But mostly because I will do more, spend more time, and work harder than anyone else will.

I can only do that because I have nothing that they do.

No job, no family. No wife. No house. No kids living with me. Nothing.

So, you can find me out with the cameras. When everyone else is sleeping, or getting the kids ready for school, or heading off to some mind-numbing job.

I'll be out there trying for the shot.

I almost don't care if I make it. If I ever get a book published.

I can die happy just having the time and being out there trying.

Driven

I wake up with the alarm at 4:45 AM.

The coffee goes on, the dogs go out. The cameras get loaded into the truck with freshly charged batteries and empty memory cards.

The sun is nowhere to be found. I plan on meeting it in a little while.

I quickly check my email and messages from friends, and make sure to send a greeting for the day to the people I care about.

Then I climb into my 1999 Dodge Ram 4x4, fire up the engine, and begin my travels.

I get on the Parkway in the dark, on my way to the refuge.

My refuge.

The birds of summer are starting to return.

Osprey are nesting and courting. Egrets and others are finding their way back North after a brutal Winter here.

The temperatures are moderating. The days are getting longer.

And no matter what, I'm there to meet the sun as it clears the horizon, and greet the birds as they return from the southern Wintering grounds.

The refuge changes completely between Winter and Spring.

The Snow Geese, The Northern Pintails, The American Black ducks are on their way back farther North, where they go for the summer. Along with the Tundra Swans, and the Northern Harriers.

It's the same place.

But with all new occupants.

One thing is the same however.

I am there to see it.

Traveling the road with no destination.

Sitting here tonight, listening to my tunes (I love iTunes), just contemplating what's happening in my life.

I'm working hard on my website (http://www.avianphotography.com) and at the same time gathering all the high-res images for the book in the process.

I'm getting up early again tomorrow, for the 181st day in the last 15 months to head to the Forsythe refuge with my cameras.

I have no idea where this all leads me.

No idea if I will make it.

No hint of what is to come.

I just know that it's what I need to do, what I should do, what I love to do.

I have to believe that the best is yet to come.

But more importantly, I am taking the best of what I can experience and enjoy while I have the day.

Sometimes I think I should be spending all day long hawking recruiters for a job in IT.

I've sent out close to 100 applications in the last 6-7 months. Not so much as a phone call.

I don't really want to ever work in IT again, anyway.

I can't stomach another clueless suit masquerading as a manager.

I can't deal with more corporate bullshit or corporate-speak.

I won't be harvesting the low-hanging fruit. Or examining the economies of scale. I won't be exploring the synergies. Or working proactively. I won't be wasting my time doing worthless bullshit for worthless people in a worthless company.

I'll be living, breathing, loving my life and what I see, hear and capture with my cameras.

Even if I don't have a dollar to my name, or a future.

Because I live for today. Every day.

Once in a lifetime moments....

Today was the most incredible and most spectacular day I have ever had out with my cameras. In awe of the natural world, I stood witness to so many incredible sights.

All in the course of about 8 hours of my life.

I saw so much. I captured so much. I learned. So much.

I watched as a Peregrine Falcon sat on a Speed Checked by Radar sign...from 4 feet away. For 10 minutes. I have photos where you can see the details of the iris and pupil of his eyes.

I spent 4 hours...watching and photographing Osprey in a courtship ritual. But not just any courtship. A female being pursued by 2 males.

There were chases. There were fights. There was even a time where one male and the female grasped each others talons in mid air, then tumbled to the ground.

This went on so long during the day that my good friend who was with me, Joe Campbell, had to go take asprin because the adrenaline and stress of shooting the action for so long gave him a headache.

At one point, I could see the Osprey looking at me with my naked eye. Eyeball to eyeball, he flew 15 feet over my head.

This went on for hours. The 3 of them would cry out, the female would come land on the nest and cry to the males to come and get her. Then she would take off as they gave chase.

Over and over again, I fired the shutter on 2 cameras for a total of nearly 4000 shots. 4000 shots on a day where the sights and sounds alone drained me of all the excitement and energy I could muster.

I will never forget this day.

I was privileged to witness nature in all her glory, and have a front row seat to some amazing things.

While the rest of my world disintegrates...

Moments and days like today are gifts beyond measure.

Today my soul was lifted, and I soared. I smiled, I laughed, and I was in awe.

Awe.

I love every day I get.

Blessed.