Compensating for what you don't have.

In my case, it's camera gear.

Lately I've been marveling at some of the shots friends and others (on Flickr) have been getting. Yes, they are talented and they are good shots, taken by very talented photographers.

And I can also see immediately the incredible contrast, detail and sharpness of the images.

Taken with gear that costs more than all the computers, cameras, lenses and other possessions I have left in the world, combined.

It's obvious that I have gear that is good for a serious amateur, but not what the pros use.

At times it's depressing, because I cannot physically get the images they can. It's impossible. The lenses are not bright enough, fast enough. The camera bodies I own, although good are always just a notch below "Professional".

So, what do I do about it?

How can I get shots that are good enough for people to admire in a book, or anywhere else?

By killing myself in the effort, that's how.

For 4 out of the last 5 days, I have gotten up at 4:30AM to make sure I can get to the location I want to shoot at by sunrise, for the morning light. I spent an average of 10 hours out shooting each time.

183 days in the last 15 months.

I get some good shots, and a few great shots by sheer force of effort.

Worn out, run down, out of money. Out of a job. I just keep pushing forward. I try for something new and different. I try so fucking hard it's unreal.

I got a comment today from someone that I am probably at the Forsythe refuge more than the people that work there.

Probably true.

My feeble cameras and lenses are pushed to their limits with me trying to capture something new and interesting.

I miss many shots. The gear can't do what the professional gear can. It's slower, clumsier, and can't do fast shutter speeds in low light.

But I have fired the shutter Ten Thousand Times in Four Days.

Sheer force of will and effort to capture the amazing things I see.

At the end of the day, I come and greet my very lonely dogs, and I barely see my dad.

I pour myself a drink, or two.

I listen to my music.

I scan through the thousands of images.

I find a few good ones.

Once in a while a great one.

I'm doing this book not because I am a great photographer with tremendous gear.

I'm doing it because I would rather die in the attempt than lose yet again.

I'm giving this my all. Every last hour and minute, and every dollar I can squeeze out of unemployment insurance.

Sometimes I am discouraged because I have always had to fight my way. I never have the best of anything. I have to make do.

I have pushed my cameras to the point where I exceeded the limit of shutter actuations it was designed for. In ONE YEAR.

I will get the shots. Not because I am great. Not because I am talented more than the best out there.

But because I would rather die than not try. Because I love it.

But mostly because I will do more, spend more time, and work harder than anyone else will.

I can only do that because I have nothing that they do.

No job, no family. No wife. No house. No kids living with me. Nothing.

So, you can find me out with the cameras. When everyone else is sleeping, or getting the kids ready for school, or heading off to some mind-numbing job.

I'll be out there trying for the shot.

I almost don't care if I make it. If I ever get a book published.

I can die happy just having the time and being out there trying.