Correspondence with a friend.

A friend who also has known the pain of infidelity. Their life is different, in that they are still trying to reconcile with their husband.

I am divorced 4 years now.

After I wrote the response to her email to me, I realized how much it reveals about how I feel, how I look at the world. So, I thought why not share it here.

I am editing it slightly to make it more germane to a blog post, instead of a reply to a friend.

She was responding to a comment I made. "But what I guess is hard for me to articulate to people is how my life is really a very sad and painful one."

She told me that she felt the same. That even though she was trying to make a go of it, that there was such an overwhelming feeling of loss and pain and reminders. And how hard it was to keep putting on a good face every day. In hopes that somewhere down the road, there would be more happiness than sadness. But she lamented that the small "victories" in her life were always overshadowed by the enormity of the loss and pain caused by betrayal.

Here is my response.

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No, the small victories seem hollow, and they don't last. That is why I need to constantly go to the refuge, to constantly go out and enjoy nature. To be out doing something with my cameras. Learning, trying to enjoy each day. But I need it every day, almost.

I can't even begin to describe how lonely, sad and hurting I am. It is because of that hurt that I try so hard to overcome it. With my creativity, and with being out doing something I love.

It's like trying to put the gas pedal to the floor every minute, to outrun what is behind me.

You said: "Such pain I never knew existed" -

Oh my god, yes. So very true.

I have come so close to throwing in the towel, so many times. Wanting to just lay there and hope that the whole miserable thing would end.

For me, it has been the length of time and the string of constant losses. It was bad enough that she cheated and we divorced. What has happened since that time has been absolutely crushing. It never seems to end, and it never improves.

I lose one job and then another. One home, and then another. All of my assets, my savings.

My mother.

And all the while, the world goes on around me. Former lovers find wonderful happiness with new partners. They laugh, and love. They talk about their great new men, how happy they are. They have new homes, great lives. Take vacations. Enjoy their work. They are prosperous, in love, and happy.

Watching them move on to happy lives, loved and cared for, and smiling. Talking of the wonderful things happening for them. It is like watching a world I could have had. If only.

And I sink farther into the abyss.

There never will be anyone to save me. Though God I wish there was.

I have to try to save myself.

I have for lack of a better word, a theme song that seems to tell the very story of who I am and where I am at, and how it feels. How I feel.

"Wild Again" by Starship.

You've probably heard it. But if not, take a listen.

http://www.fusioncreativedesign.com/WildAgain.wma

People either try to say uplifting or encouraging things, or they walk away because they don't know how or want to deal with the pain and sorrow they see in me. They simply don't know what to do, because there is nothing they can do.

I do what I can as well to stay upbeat when I am around people. But I can't always hide what the story of my eyes tells them. Perceptive people can see the overwhelming pain, and the scars of the long battle written on my face.

My life has been hell. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

But there is a spark still inside of me that won't allow me to quit, though at times I dearly wish I could.

I think those that truly survive this are the ones who find new, lasting love. The people for whom someone else cares about, and then shares with them. Love is healing and nurturing, when it is kind and unselfish. I don't think you can heal without it.

I think all you can do then, is survive.

Like me.