How Divorce Destroys Your Life Forever

At least in the state of New Jersey. If you are male, and if you were the sole or primary source of income in a long marriage.

I am now 4 years out from when my divorce was final. I detail in the book the circumstances of how the divorce came about (she cheated for the second time, filed a restraining order to get me out of the house and to get leverage, and filed for divorce the same day).

But what I want to really talk about is what it does to you after all is said and done. What it's done to me.

The divorce settlement that was forced on me included lifetime alimony. In the state of NJ, this is still commonplace, and even my attorney said that given my 23 year marriage, with her being at home all that time, any of the judges I would get would award lifetime alimony if it went to trial.

My attorney also advised me that based on what she knew of the judges (and she knew all of them), the amount that would be awarded would be 28-33 percent of my GROSS income, for the rest of my life.

That amounts to half my take home pay.

Forever.

In addition to that, half of all assets, and approximately 40 percent of my pension would go to her.

I still cannot wrap my head around how brutal this is. How grossly unfair. Criminal even.

The piece missing from all this legal bullshit is that the courts do not care about marital conduct.

She decided to leave the marriage. She decided to find another man to be with, while married to me. And I pay for it.

It would be the same settlement if she cheated with the entire NY Giants football team. Or, if I was the one who betrayed her.

Now, if that had been the case (if I were the one who cheated and filed for divorce), I could understand a punitive alimony being awarded.

But all I am here is a victim. One that she would use her attorney, the courts, and other means to utterly pound me into the ground and all but destroy me.

Because of the enormous amount of money I had to pay her every month in alimony, I was forced to continue to try to find jobs that paid the same great salary as the job I had when we divorced. A long career where I had to work my way up over nearly 30 years to reach that salary level. I have no college degree. I'm 52 years old next month. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants a man in my position. Too old. No degree. Doesn't matter what experience I have.

I managed to get a good job with a company I had worked with (they were a popular vendor that I spent millions of dollars with in my former role with my long-time employer). I was able to get a nice salary. Mostly because these people all knew me, and it was a small enough company that my reputation and abilities were a clear asset to them. Unfortunately, after a year, they were having financial problems yet again, and I (and a bunch of others) had to be laid off.

It was still virtually impossible during this job to afford my own place (a rented townhouse), pay off bills still owed from the divorce and marital debts, and pay her the outrageous alimony.

Before moving out to my own townhouse, I had spent a year living in my parent's loft bedroom. It took money from my parents to be able to move out and into my own place, even with the new job.

Then I lost that job. I got a couple months notice pay (thank God), and 3 months later, I landed another job at a salary level less than before, but still enough to hopefully try to stay afloat and afford the enormous monthly payments to the ex-wife.

But this time, the job I had to take was the job from hell. It was a 4 hour a day commute, and as it would turn out, it was nothing more than a "body shop". My manager was a complete lunatic. An abusive, ADHD, probably NPD, hyperactive, lying, and incredibly manipulative and abusive man. It was pure hell. Utter living hell.

And I had taken this job solely because I had such a huge alimony obligation.

I would never have looked for a job at this level, or taken this job had I not had to pay that huge alimony support.

And so it goes. Such is the story of my life, post-divorce.

Unable to afford my own place, because no matter how much I make, most of it has to go to the ex-wife.

Right now, having lost that job from hell (and after an EEOC filing by me and a 21 page complaint filed against them), I was fired summarily by them. No reason given.

I live back with my father.

My mother died last year.

It has been one string of horrible losses after another for me. And still I owe her this money. Every month. As it sucks the life from me, and controls my future.

As it is now, I collect unemployment.

I live back in that same loft bedroom I did when I was thrown out of the house by my ex-wife.

And I have nothing.

She gets more than half my unemployment. I can barely pay what little bills I have left. I will never own a home again. I don't even know how I will ever be able to rent someplace, as my credit is ruined, and I am filing for bankruptcy.

The divorce has destroyed my life, and controls so much of my future.

She (the ex) has a job now and has for a couple years. A very low-paying job. So, the alimony can be adjusted down to compensate from her employment and as is permitted by law, since it is a change in circumstances.

But that just means that instead of $3500.00 per month paid to her, I might be able to get down to something like $2000.00 a month, if I ever get another decent job.

And it never ends.

When I retire and give her the couple hundred thousand dollars from MY pension, and if I only work a little to pay bills, I can petition the courts to see if they would lower my obligation or eliminate it. It's not a given, and it's not guaranteed.

Meanwhile, lets compare lives, shall we?

She dates and has boyfriends. She has her own 3 bedroom duplex, with some nice furnishings from the former marital home. She goes out to dinner, has a relationship (and sex of course), and lives in her own place.

I live in a bedroom with my 78 year old father. I am destitute and now unemployed.

No woman on earth is interested in a man like me in these circumstances. I have nothing to offer them. And even if I start working again, I still have very little to offer anyone. God only knows if I could even get a place to rent.

No money to go out anywhere. Not even a cheap dinner date. No privacy. No place of my own. Not a fucking thing.

So, I cannot even afford to go on a date. I can barely afford gasoline for the car.

But nothing on Earth will stop her from getting her money. Even if my dad has to chip in some of his own to allow her to stay in her place.

Nobody was there to save me. Nobody ever will be.

It is as if I am still married to her, financially. And will be forever.

How and why is written that a man like me can be treated this way. Cheated on. Abused. Tossed out like garbage. And be made to support the very person who did this to me. As a matter of LAW???!

I can't get those six-figure jobs anymore. I'm too old, and in this economy, with no degree? I don't stand a chance in hell.

Nor do I want to work in that field anymore. I've had enough. I've done my time. I am looking (or was) to retirement and working something less stressful and for a lot less money.

My future looks bleak. There's no two ways around it.

Because of this divorce, and the punitive and grossly unfair laws, and the way I have been victimized, I can never be free of this.

I will pay and pay. Forever.

She gets to have a life. She gets most of her bills paid by me. It's on my dime.

And she can have a social life. A love life. Her own job even, and still I pay.

My life and my future have been destroyed by a 5'2" tall woman with a good lawyer.

Welcome to what it means to be a man divorced in the state of NJ.

Kiss your life goodbye.