It sits near the kitchen here, at my dad's house.
It has leaned against the wall since February, when I moved in here.
Before that, the box sat in my townhouse, in the closet.
The box.
Inside of it.
Lies a musical instrument.
A finely crafted set of huge and incredible wind chimes.
It was costly.
It is precious.
Each day I look at it.
Waiting to sing.
It wants to be free.
Like me.
It wants to sing in the wind.
It wants to be out among nature. Singing a song that the birds love.
Along with one human being, who aches to hear it's symphony.
I pray with them every day.
To be free.
To sing out.
At the cabin.
At the lake.
With the birds in attendance.
With the trees, the water and the wind, which gives it life and a voice.
As it does for me.
I live for that day.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Well, Eric, tell me, how does that make you feel?
Imaginary counselor, asks me the question.
So, let's answer it.
Okay, doctor. Here is how I feel....
Today I sit here...just got a call from the mechanic. In addition to the 4 new tires I need, the front transaxle seals are leaking...and you need an oil change.
Dad will be paying for the repairs, on his MasterCard.
Because I have no money.
And the guilt builds. I have no job, no income. I get unemployment insurance.
I live in dad's house. I am 52 years old.
I live here only because of the grace of God, and because my father allows me to do so.
In addition, I just got an email from the ex-wife. She wants her alimony on the 1st, because she needs money to attend some funeral, and to buy flowers and what not.
Of course, my father helps to pay for that, too.
Because 2400 dollars a month doesn't go far when 1800 has to go to the ex-wife.
Oh, and did I mention, the alimony?...it's FOR LIFE.
How do I feel?
Like an abject and complete failure.
Like a man in prison.
Like someone sentenced to a life in hell.
Someone who will have to do whatever he can.
Not to live and have a happy life....
But to repay some debt.
A debt owed for the rest of my life.
To my father.
To my ex wife.
I live to serve.
I live to provide for them, or to try to, at least.
And it is fucking killing me.
I am trying with all my might to see a way out. A way forward.
And it eludes me.
This life of mine, counselor...doctor.....is one of existence.
I steal every moment I can to see the birds. To take my cameras out and capture the wonder of nature.
And it rejuvenates me.
And then I come "home".
To a house that is not mine.
To a room, cluttered with the remnants of a life long gone.
Rooms downstairs filled with boxes...the contents of which represent the life I once had.
They sit there gathering dust.
And I persevere.
And I think to myself, every day and every night....
Why?
Why bother?
Why not just let it all end?
Doctor, I live a life where I see incredible beauty, and I love the time I have out in the wilds, capturing the essence of nature and life on this planet.
And then I come home.
To hell.
So, let's answer it.
Okay, doctor. Here is how I feel....
Today I sit here...just got a call from the mechanic. In addition to the 4 new tires I need, the front transaxle seals are leaking...and you need an oil change.
Dad will be paying for the repairs, on his MasterCard.
Because I have no money.
And the guilt builds. I have no job, no income. I get unemployment insurance.
I live in dad's house. I am 52 years old.
I live here only because of the grace of God, and because my father allows me to do so.
In addition, I just got an email from the ex-wife. She wants her alimony on the 1st, because she needs money to attend some funeral, and to buy flowers and what not.
Of course, my father helps to pay for that, too.
Because 2400 dollars a month doesn't go far when 1800 has to go to the ex-wife.
Oh, and did I mention, the alimony?...it's FOR LIFE.
How do I feel?
Like an abject and complete failure.
Like a man in prison.
Like someone sentenced to a life in hell.
Someone who will have to do whatever he can.
Not to live and have a happy life....
But to repay some debt.
A debt owed for the rest of my life.
To my father.
To my ex wife.
I live to serve.
I live to provide for them, or to try to, at least.
And it is fucking killing me.
I am trying with all my might to see a way out. A way forward.
And it eludes me.
This life of mine, counselor...doctor.....is one of existence.
I steal every moment I can to see the birds. To take my cameras out and capture the wonder of nature.
And it rejuvenates me.
And then I come "home".
To a house that is not mine.
To a room, cluttered with the remnants of a life long gone.
Rooms downstairs filled with boxes...the contents of which represent the life I once had.
They sit there gathering dust.
And I persevere.
And I think to myself, every day and every night....
Why?
Why bother?
Why not just let it all end?
Doctor, I live a life where I see incredible beauty, and I love the time I have out in the wilds, capturing the essence of nature and life on this planet.
And then I come home.
To hell.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
To Give Thanks...
This Thanksgiving I will wake up alone in an empty house.
My mother gone almost 2 years now.
My dad off with his new love, to see her children.
My ex wife and her boyfriend will celebrate at her home, with my children.
I have much I could lament.
I have much to yearn for.
But I will give thanks, instead.
Over a year ago, working a job that was pure hell, with an abusive boss and a hellish commute.
I was dying.
Literally.
I remember so vividly.
I was driving home from work in the Spring shortly after I started the job.
I said out loud, to myself, in the car.
"I am not going to make it".
I knew then and there, that I would not survive.
So, I started going every day after work to the refuge I had come to love.
I'd pack my cameras in the car, and head down for the last few hours of sunlight.
And I would do that whenever I could.
It was 92 miles from work to the refuge. I would make it in under 2 hours, and get there at 6 PM. Enough time to do maybe 2 hours of shooting in the last light of day.
And it saved my life.
In the course of the last 2 years, I could not predict what was to come.
It started out as the last refuge of a desperate man, trying to hold on.
What it turned out to be was a blessing beyond all I could imagine.
I made so many new friends.
I helped to bring all of us together, with regular meetups, gatherings and lunches.
What I found was that so many of us go there when our lives have been shattered.
It is the place for those of us whose souls are yearning to be free.
Free from pain.
Free from worry.
Free from the stresses of a life long lost, where we try with all we have to find the beauty. The joy. The freedom.
So, on this Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
Joe, Susan, Jack, Ann Marie, Kathleen, Glenn, Steve, James, Rockey, Dee, Larry, Ray, Shawn, Murray, Mark, Christine, Kathleen, Tom, Jim, Art, Bob, Leroy, "Penguin", Kurt, Barry, Ruth....and many others.
My new friends.
If I had led the life most thought I should, I would never have met you all. I would not have shared the good times together. Or been privileged to get to know you.
I had to lose it all to find what really mattered.
My love and thanks to you all.
I am blessed.
My mother gone almost 2 years now.
My dad off with his new love, to see her children.
My ex wife and her boyfriend will celebrate at her home, with my children.
I have much I could lament.
I have much to yearn for.
But I will give thanks, instead.
Over a year ago, working a job that was pure hell, with an abusive boss and a hellish commute.
I was dying.
Literally.
I remember so vividly.
I was driving home from work in the Spring shortly after I started the job.
I said out loud, to myself, in the car.
"I am not going to make it".
I knew then and there, that I would not survive.
So, I started going every day after work to the refuge I had come to love.
I'd pack my cameras in the car, and head down for the last few hours of sunlight.
And I would do that whenever I could.
It was 92 miles from work to the refuge. I would make it in under 2 hours, and get there at 6 PM. Enough time to do maybe 2 hours of shooting in the last light of day.
And it saved my life.
In the course of the last 2 years, I could not predict what was to come.
It started out as the last refuge of a desperate man, trying to hold on.
What it turned out to be was a blessing beyond all I could imagine.
I made so many new friends.
I helped to bring all of us together, with regular meetups, gatherings and lunches.
What I found was that so many of us go there when our lives have been shattered.
It is the place for those of us whose souls are yearning to be free.
Free from pain.
Free from worry.
Free from the stresses of a life long lost, where we try with all we have to find the beauty. The joy. The freedom.
So, on this Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
Joe, Susan, Jack, Ann Marie, Kathleen, Glenn, Steve, James, Rockey, Dee, Larry, Ray, Shawn, Murray, Mark, Christine, Kathleen, Tom, Jim, Art, Bob, Leroy, "Penguin", Kurt, Barry, Ruth....and many others.
My new friends.
If I had led the life most thought I should, I would never have met you all. I would not have shared the good times together. Or been privileged to get to know you.
I had to lose it all to find what really mattered.
My love and thanks to you all.
I am blessed.
Monday, November 22, 2010
What I miss...
Most of all, in this life that I now lead.
The feeling of someone's arms around me.
To be held.
To be touched.
When someone gives me a hug now, it's like lightning ripping through my body. To feel the touch of another human being. After spending so very long without it.
I want to melt.
I spend so much time being hard, tough and resilient. To be held is something so powerful that I can't overcome the feelings.
You don't know how badly you miss that until you live without it for years.
The feeling of someone's arms around me.
To be held.
To be touched.
When someone gives me a hug now, it's like lightning ripping through my body. To feel the touch of another human being. After spending so very long without it.
I want to melt.
I spend so much time being hard, tough and resilient. To be held is something so powerful that I can't overcome the feelings.
You don't know how badly you miss that until you live without it for years.
I don't have what it takes.
To be employable anymore.
Been at this forever. I apply to good fit position. I have 30 years experience. Great resume. Tons of accomplishments.
When will I learn?
I am 52.
Far too old.
I have NO college degree. - That is the death knell.
I will not find a job. Not in the field I used to work in.
I need to accept that.
Time to regroup and retool.
There is no bright future waiting for me. No great job.
Guess I better think about stacking boxes at a supermarket or at Wal Mart.
That is all I have left.
Hope that some 25 year old kid doesn't beat me out for the stock boy slot.
Been at this forever. I apply to good fit position. I have 30 years experience. Great resume. Tons of accomplishments.
When will I learn?
I am 52.
Far too old.
I have NO college degree. - That is the death knell.
I will not find a job. Not in the field I used to work in.
I need to accept that.
Time to regroup and retool.
There is no bright future waiting for me. No great job.
Guess I better think about stacking boxes at a supermarket or at Wal Mart.
That is all I have left.
Hope that some 25 year old kid doesn't beat me out for the stock boy slot.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
On the day I die.
A bird of prey.
Will fly over me, and look into my eyes.
I will hold out my arm.
And he will fly down and land upon it.
He will look me in the eye.
And I will know.
That he knows me.
And that I understand him.
And that we are one.
And that is the day.
That I will pass.
I will live for that day.
When I can be that close.
When I can finally know.
Will fly over me, and look into my eyes.
I will hold out my arm.
And he will fly down and land upon it.
He will look me in the eye.
And I will know.
That he knows me.
And that I understand him.
And that we are one.
And that is the day.
That I will pass.
I will live for that day.
When I can be that close.
When I can finally know.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Most nights...
I sit in a semi-drunken haze.
Drowning the sorrows, numbing the pain. Knowing full well what the next morning will feel like.
Having watched my mother follow this same path.
It's like being on a runaway train.
Mom, I finally understand. I love you, and I get it. I know what you felt. I know why.
Still, I get up and give my all. I take my cameras out and capture the impossible.
There is clarity in this life. This existence.
I know what I am.
I accept it.
You can reach a point where all the things you once thought were important fade away.
When you have married, had a life, raised your children.
When that is all gone.
When it's just you and the sunrise.
And I will see as many as I can.
While I breathe.
With no concern for how many are left for me.
Just that every day.
I will get up.
And look to the lightening sky to the east.
And consider the possibilities.
I will load the batteries into my cameras.
And sling them around my neck.
To see what nature has to show me today.
Even if it is my last.
I would not miss it.
Not for anything.
I love you, mom.
And I miss you. Every day.
But I want you to know.
I understand.
Tomorrow morning, before almost anyone is awake. I will get up. Load the cameras into the truck. Look up at the stars and the black sky.
My heart quickens.
Anticipation grows.
What will I see today?
What wonders?
Will I get the shots I dream of?
I will sit in Gull Pond at the refuge before the sun breaches the horizon.
The birds will stir and start to wake.
The sky will brighten.
And I will stand there. The cold wind blowing.
And watch the sun peak over the marsh.
The start of a new day.
And I will let it.
Take my breath away.
Drowning the sorrows, numbing the pain. Knowing full well what the next morning will feel like.
Having watched my mother follow this same path.
It's like being on a runaway train.
Mom, I finally understand. I love you, and I get it. I know what you felt. I know why.
Still, I get up and give my all. I take my cameras out and capture the impossible.
There is clarity in this life. This existence.
I know what I am.
I accept it.
You can reach a point where all the things you once thought were important fade away.
When you have married, had a life, raised your children.
When that is all gone.
When it's just you and the sunrise.
And I will see as many as I can.
While I breathe.
With no concern for how many are left for me.
Just that every day.
I will get up.
And look to the lightening sky to the east.
And consider the possibilities.
I will load the batteries into my cameras.
And sling them around my neck.
To see what nature has to show me today.
Even if it is my last.
I would not miss it.
Not for anything.
I love you, mom.
And I miss you. Every day.
But I want you to know.
I understand.
Tomorrow morning, before almost anyone is awake. I will get up. Load the cameras into the truck. Look up at the stars and the black sky.
My heart quickens.
Anticipation grows.
What will I see today?
What wonders?
Will I get the shots I dream of?
I will sit in Gull Pond at the refuge before the sun breaches the horizon.
The birds will stir and start to wake.
The sky will brighten.
And I will stand there. The cold wind blowing.
And watch the sun peak over the marsh.
The start of a new day.
And I will let it.
Take my breath away.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
You know me.
You love me because you see my heart and my kindness.
You hate me because I speak my mind, unafraid.
You abandon me when I let you down.
You fear me because I am willing to risk all that most hold dear, to truly live.
You worry about me because you see my pain.
You thrill with me when I get an amazing photo.
You cry with me when I fall to my knees.
You see me. You know me.
Because I am you, holding up a mirror.
Showing you what you could be.
What you could lose.
How you can suffer.
How you can find incredible joy and beauty.
What it means to be human.
To the core of our existence.
What it means to feel the very worst.
And to hope for the very best.
To never quit.
To search for peace.
And to see that sunrise.
One more time.
You hate me because I speak my mind, unafraid.
You abandon me when I let you down.
You fear me because I am willing to risk all that most hold dear, to truly live.
You worry about me because you see my pain.
You thrill with me when I get an amazing photo.
You cry with me when I fall to my knees.
You see me. You know me.
Because I am you, holding up a mirror.
Showing you what you could be.
What you could lose.
How you can suffer.
How you can find incredible joy and beauty.
What it means to be human.
To the core of our existence.
What it means to feel the very worst.
And to hope for the very best.
To never quit.
To search for peace.
And to see that sunrise.
One more time.
People worry about me.
My dad, some of my friends. My ex. My brothers. My kids.
Okay, lets get something clear here.
Notice to all of you.
This is MY life.
Get that?
Clear on that one?
And nothing you can do. Nothing you can say.
Will change that.
See, I paid the price. I paid with all I have.
I gave all of my life. My work. My money. My efforts. For you.
And now.
It's MY time.
And I will live as I will.
And nothing. Nothing. Not you, not anyone will stop me.
That may mean this is a short trip.
But I will LIVE, for once in my life.
And anyone and everyone else who thinks I owe them something. Let me tell you.
Dues paid in full.
You are on your own.
As am I.
And nothing, in heaven or hell, will stop me.
Okay, lets get something clear here.
Notice to all of you.
This is MY life.
Get that?
Clear on that one?
And nothing you can do. Nothing you can say.
Will change that.
See, I paid the price. I paid with all I have.
I gave all of my life. My work. My money. My efforts. For you.
And now.
It's MY time.
And I will live as I will.
And nothing. Nothing. Not you, not anyone will stop me.
That may mean this is a short trip.
But I will LIVE, for once in my life.
And anyone and everyone else who thinks I owe them something. Let me tell you.
Dues paid in full.
You are on your own.
As am I.
And nothing, in heaven or hell, will stop me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Just what the hell is life?
Here it is.
My kids...I am so proud. They endured hell in the house they grew up in. Fighting and arguing. Discord. A hellish divorce. Loss of all we had.
Yet they thrive.
My son is doing fabulously in his work, as a cosmetologist at a fine salon. And, as the coach of a High School color guard team.
My daughter is Dean's list at college, and Phi Theta Kappa. She kicks ass. She's growing up, and not taking any shit from anyone.
Me?
I am hanging on by a thread. I hold out. I hold on.
I take my cameras out and I capture the impossible.
People stand in awe of me.
I don't see it.
But they say it over and over again.
My shots are incredible. I get the moments they dream of. I can do it.
I guess they should be. I gave up everything I had to get out there and find them. To find the truth. To find god, in whatever form. To find what makes this amazing natural world tick. To feel the force of life in the creatures all around me.
But with all of that. I am still nowhere.
This life, and the pressure of it are grinding me into the ground.
Everything hurts. My neck, my back. I have herniated discs that press on the nerves in my body, sending me reeling in pain. All day. Every day. I take Advil. I take Aspirin. I numb the pain any way I can, while still be able to get out with the cameras.
I lost it all. My home, my marriage, my career, my life, all my fortune, and my dreams.
I am on a quest.
To reclaim my life and discover my future.
And there are so many forces there trying to beat me to death.
I may not make it to the promised land.
But I will say this.
I will stand. With tears in my eyes. With pain ripping through me.
And defy it all.
My kids...I am so proud. They endured hell in the house they grew up in. Fighting and arguing. Discord. A hellish divorce. Loss of all we had.
Yet they thrive.
My son is doing fabulously in his work, as a cosmetologist at a fine salon. And, as the coach of a High School color guard team.
My daughter is Dean's list at college, and Phi Theta Kappa. She kicks ass. She's growing up, and not taking any shit from anyone.
Me?
I am hanging on by a thread. I hold out. I hold on.
I take my cameras out and I capture the impossible.
People stand in awe of me.
I don't see it.
But they say it over and over again.
My shots are incredible. I get the moments they dream of. I can do it.
I guess they should be. I gave up everything I had to get out there and find them. To find the truth. To find god, in whatever form. To find what makes this amazing natural world tick. To feel the force of life in the creatures all around me.
But with all of that. I am still nowhere.
This life, and the pressure of it are grinding me into the ground.
Everything hurts. My neck, my back. I have herniated discs that press on the nerves in my body, sending me reeling in pain. All day. Every day. I take Advil. I take Aspirin. I numb the pain any way I can, while still be able to get out with the cameras.
I lost it all. My home, my marriage, my career, my life, all my fortune, and my dreams.
I am on a quest.
To reclaim my life and discover my future.
And there are so many forces there trying to beat me to death.
I may not make it to the promised land.
But I will say this.
I will stand. With tears in my eyes. With pain ripping through me.
And defy it all.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Feeling the pain.
Lately, I have been giving it my all.
Applying to job openings in IT. 25 more applications now in the last month alone. Any responses? Nope. Any interest? Nope.
I have had it. Totally.
I am 52 years old. I have more ability, intelligence, talent and capability than any 3 rookies they hire to do the job.
But that doesn't matter.
I have no degree. I am old. And I am totally and completely unwanted by corporate America.
Fed up.
Yep, I am feeling the pain.
I have so many obligations. Lifetime alimony. My own bills. No place to live that I can call my own. Time running out here, as my father needs to sell this house.
The pressure is overwhelming. The stress, over the top.
So, what do I do?
I talk to my mom. She passed almost 2 years ago now.
And what does she tell me?
She says "I believe in you. Follow your dreams".
I love you mom.
And I will. And I am.
Until I die.
When I can see you again.
Applying to job openings in IT. 25 more applications now in the last month alone. Any responses? Nope. Any interest? Nope.
I have had it. Totally.
I am 52 years old. I have more ability, intelligence, talent and capability than any 3 rookies they hire to do the job.
But that doesn't matter.
I have no degree. I am old. And I am totally and completely unwanted by corporate America.
Fed up.
Yep, I am feeling the pain.
I have so many obligations. Lifetime alimony. My own bills. No place to live that I can call my own. Time running out here, as my father needs to sell this house.
The pressure is overwhelming. The stress, over the top.
So, what do I do?
I talk to my mom. She passed almost 2 years ago now.
And what does she tell me?
She says "I believe in you. Follow your dreams".
I love you mom.
And I will. And I am.
Until I die.
When I can see you again.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My dreams..
Wind chimes that I have collected for years, now sitting in boxes, sing out in the forest.
My house is small but warm. A fire burns in the fireplace.
I look out the kitchen window to see what is happening at the pond this morning. Maybe some deer getting a drink, or just maybe, a Black Bear and cub.
The lake is just a short walk away. The sun is rising, and the fog is slowly burning off.
The bird feeders are alive with so many species. I could just sit here at the window and take photographs of all of them.
Chipmunks scurry around on the ground collecting fallen seeds.
The only sounds today are of the gentle wind rustling the leaves, the chimes, and the birds calling out in their morning exuberance.
And life is good.
I have fresh hot coffee to sip. A nice breakfast ready for the making. Maybe I will make an asparagus omelette this morning, with mushrooms and a nice cheese, and some whole grain toast, with Maple Cream.
And I will savor every moment.
In my dreams.
This is my life.
Yet to be.
And out of reach.
My house is small but warm. A fire burns in the fireplace.
I look out the kitchen window to see what is happening at the pond this morning. Maybe some deer getting a drink, or just maybe, a Black Bear and cub.
The lake is just a short walk away. The sun is rising, and the fog is slowly burning off.
The bird feeders are alive with so many species. I could just sit here at the window and take photographs of all of them.
Chipmunks scurry around on the ground collecting fallen seeds.
The only sounds today are of the gentle wind rustling the leaves, the chimes, and the birds calling out in their morning exuberance.
And life is good.
I have fresh hot coffee to sip. A nice breakfast ready for the making. Maybe I will make an asparagus omelette this morning, with mushrooms and a nice cheese, and some whole grain toast, with Maple Cream.
And I will savor every moment.
In my dreams.
This is my life.
Yet to be.
And out of reach.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
All Good Things...
...Come to an end.
A post to my son's Facebook page, as he lamented the end of the season of him coaching Color Guard...
And my first thought was...
"And really bad things seem to persist forever...."
A post to my son's Facebook page, as he lamented the end of the season of him coaching Color Guard...
And my first thought was...
"And really bad things seem to persist forever...."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Okay, I admit it.
I'm a badass.
I wasn't always.
Now I am the guy you can expect to challenge authority, speak my mind, do what I will, and accept the consequences. And never back down.
You can thank life experience for that one.
However, I still have a soft and loving heart.
They can't ever take that from me.
Right now, I fight every day to maintain the will to live, and to maintain the fight.
How I wish more would understand what this is like.
It's like hanging on to the edge of cliff and looking towards the sky hoping that you can grow a pair of wings and soar with the birds.
I wasn't always.
Now I am the guy you can expect to challenge authority, speak my mind, do what I will, and accept the consequences. And never back down.
You can thank life experience for that one.
However, I still have a soft and loving heart.
They can't ever take that from me.
Right now, I fight every day to maintain the will to live, and to maintain the fight.
How I wish more would understand what this is like.
It's like hanging on to the edge of cliff and looking towards the sky hoping that you can grow a pair of wings and soar with the birds.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Balancing the effort.
I'm now spending 4-6 hours a day looking for work in my old field, or related fields. Have to find work that will allow me to live independently.
I am coordinating my photography efforts to work around the time I spend looking for work. So, if I have a nice forecast, I will spend a morning out in the field, but the afternoon on the job boards or searching out leads.
Wish me luck.
I need it.
I am coordinating my photography efforts to work around the time I spend looking for work. So, if I have a nice forecast, I will spend a morning out in the field, but the afternoon on the job boards or searching out leads.
Wish me luck.
I need it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
My Life's Lessons
I've walked this planet for over 50 years now.
It feels at times like I have been here forever.
If feels at times like I just arrived.
What have I learned?
I've learned that joy is fleeting.
That love is temporary and conditional.
That friends are more precious than gold.
That some friends were never friends at all.
That a job is just a job. Unless it is doing what you love.
That a house is just a building. But it can be a sanctuary if you make it so.
That deserve has nothing to do with it.
That raising children is the most rewarding and hardest thing you can ever do. Because they are your blood. And what happens to them, happens to you. My dreams for them will never die.
That we are in most cases in this life powerless. The only power we have is what we will do, what we will feel, and the love and benevolence we share with those we care about.
The rest of the world, employers, businesses, governments, do not care if we live or die.
I've learned that you do not give your soul and your heart to a corporation. That your best work is not what you can do for some heartless and soulless company. Save that for what you love. Pour yourself into what you love, and you will be rewarded. Not in riches but in filling your heart.
I've learned that marriage is not about a partnership. It's about a legal document that turns your life over to the courts and lawyers when it ends. Don't ever marry. If you love someone, live with them and love them. But don't turn your life over to the fucking government.
For they are as corrupt and without a heart as anything that exists.
What I have learned of politics in America....
There is no discernible difference in party or in the candidates. A long time ago a group of brilliant and inspired people conceived of a government that was of, by and for the people. Where the rights we had were inviolate, sacrosanct, and inalienable.
Today, lawyers and corporate hacks and power hungry egotists all vie for your vote on the TV screen, and with millions of dollars paid to them from corporations and special interests.
How many of the representatives today are farmers, tradesmen, carpenters, fishermen, and people truly from the community? Answer, practically none. They are mostly lawyers and former corporate executives.
This country as our Founders envisioned is dead. The only rights remaining that we have and should never yield are the First and Second and Fourth amendments to the Constitution. The Second allows us to protect the others. Our Founders knew this. Once that is gone, we are mere subjects, like we were 230 years ago.
I've learned that it is possible to lose every time. You can try with all your might, but you can still lose. There is never a guarantee of success in this life.
But there is a guarantee of failure, if you quit.
I have learned that money and possessions mean nothing.
I had to learn that one the hard way, because I lost all that I ever had.
But what was gained from that immense loss was freedom. A gift I had never known before.
No longer can anyone hold a job or a house or a mortgage or anything over my head. If I want to tell the world to fuck off, I can. Because I am willing to pay the price. In fact, I am willing to pay a price higher than almost anyone I know.
That is the gift of pain and loss. When you have nothing left to lose, you are free.
I have seen far too much pain in this life and in this world.
But I have also seen the most amazing things. The most beautiful things. And I've opened myself and my soul to the world and the universe around me.
No longer encumbered by the stresses of a long commute and a hellish job, I walk the world with cameras and watch nature in all her glory. I may never make a dime or be barely able to survive in this materialistic world, but what I will have is beyond all the riches I could ever amass.
At almost 53 years old now, I have lived a lot.
I have married, owned a home, had a career, built a life.
And then lost all of it.
I've felt the stings of abuse and violence.
I've learned what betrayal is, on an immense scale.
I've learned that I can fail just as badly, when driven to my knees.
I've watched my mother die.
And I have cried enough tears to fill a river.
What have I learned?
That I am so very human.
And that to be human means to strip away the bonds and the shackles of a life that has been determined by others. To no longer allow the will, the force, and the power of other people to control it.
I stand as myself, against all forces of man, and against anything that will lay me low. And I am willing to give all I have to protect that right. No one will ever hold power over me again. And that means I have to be willing to lose my life, if necessary. And I am prepared to do that.
I am also prepared to travel the rest of this road alone.
There is peace and joy in nature and the world around me.
And that is my salvation.
It only took losing and giving up all I had and once dreamed of to find it.
The biggest lesson of this life.
Was to stop fighting.
And. Let. Go.
It feels at times like I have been here forever.
If feels at times like I just arrived.
What have I learned?
I've learned that joy is fleeting.
That love is temporary and conditional.
That friends are more precious than gold.
That some friends were never friends at all.
That a job is just a job. Unless it is doing what you love.
That a house is just a building. But it can be a sanctuary if you make it so.
That deserve has nothing to do with it.
That raising children is the most rewarding and hardest thing you can ever do. Because they are your blood. And what happens to them, happens to you. My dreams for them will never die.
That we are in most cases in this life powerless. The only power we have is what we will do, what we will feel, and the love and benevolence we share with those we care about.
The rest of the world, employers, businesses, governments, do not care if we live or die.
I've learned that you do not give your soul and your heart to a corporation. That your best work is not what you can do for some heartless and soulless company. Save that for what you love. Pour yourself into what you love, and you will be rewarded. Not in riches but in filling your heart.
I've learned that marriage is not about a partnership. It's about a legal document that turns your life over to the courts and lawyers when it ends. Don't ever marry. If you love someone, live with them and love them. But don't turn your life over to the fucking government.
For they are as corrupt and without a heart as anything that exists.
What I have learned of politics in America....
There is no discernible difference in party or in the candidates. A long time ago a group of brilliant and inspired people conceived of a government that was of, by and for the people. Where the rights we had were inviolate, sacrosanct, and inalienable.
Today, lawyers and corporate hacks and power hungry egotists all vie for your vote on the TV screen, and with millions of dollars paid to them from corporations and special interests.
How many of the representatives today are farmers, tradesmen, carpenters, fishermen, and people truly from the community? Answer, practically none. They are mostly lawyers and former corporate executives.
This country as our Founders envisioned is dead. The only rights remaining that we have and should never yield are the First and Second and Fourth amendments to the Constitution. The Second allows us to protect the others. Our Founders knew this. Once that is gone, we are mere subjects, like we were 230 years ago.
I've learned that it is possible to lose every time. You can try with all your might, but you can still lose. There is never a guarantee of success in this life.
But there is a guarantee of failure, if you quit.
I have learned that money and possessions mean nothing.
I had to learn that one the hard way, because I lost all that I ever had.
But what was gained from that immense loss was freedom. A gift I had never known before.
No longer can anyone hold a job or a house or a mortgage or anything over my head. If I want to tell the world to fuck off, I can. Because I am willing to pay the price. In fact, I am willing to pay a price higher than almost anyone I know.
That is the gift of pain and loss. When you have nothing left to lose, you are free.
I have seen far too much pain in this life and in this world.
But I have also seen the most amazing things. The most beautiful things. And I've opened myself and my soul to the world and the universe around me.
No longer encumbered by the stresses of a long commute and a hellish job, I walk the world with cameras and watch nature in all her glory. I may never make a dime or be barely able to survive in this materialistic world, but what I will have is beyond all the riches I could ever amass.
At almost 53 years old now, I have lived a lot.
I have married, owned a home, had a career, built a life.
And then lost all of it.
I've felt the stings of abuse and violence.
I've learned what betrayal is, on an immense scale.
I've learned that I can fail just as badly, when driven to my knees.
I've watched my mother die.
And I have cried enough tears to fill a river.
What have I learned?
That I am so very human.
And that to be human means to strip away the bonds and the shackles of a life that has been determined by others. To no longer allow the will, the force, and the power of other people to control it.
I stand as myself, against all forces of man, and against anything that will lay me low. And I am willing to give all I have to protect that right. No one will ever hold power over me again. And that means I have to be willing to lose my life, if necessary. And I am prepared to do that.
I am also prepared to travel the rest of this road alone.
There is peace and joy in nature and the world around me.
And that is my salvation.
It only took losing and giving up all I had and once dreamed of to find it.
The biggest lesson of this life.
Was to stop fighting.
And. Let. Go.
I choose to live.
Lately I have had many thoughts of throwing in the towel and giving up. My closest friends barely speak to me. I live a life of poverty, alone in an empty house. A house filled with filth and crowded with incredible amounts of shit. Including the boxes from my last move. All my clothes, belongings, collectibles. Sit in cardboard prisons waiting to be opened someday. The day that I have a home of my own again, if I ever do.
Rejected by people, by employers, I go out with a vengeance with my cameras and try to capture the amazing beauty and rawness of nature.
I have nobody to lay next to me and hold me. For years now. I have no companionship.
My mother now dead almost 2 years. I miss her every day.
My father in a great new relationship, lives with his girlfriend.
I have spent many days and nights listening to tunes, having a drink or two, and contemplating the rest of my life.
And I choose to live.
In defiance of all of the forces that try to lay me low.
The forces of nature that I try so hard to show in my photos have not only given me great moments to share, but they have filled me with the power of life.
And though my future is bleak in human terms, in the world of nature and of god, I am blessed. So I will not squander this chance.
I will persist even if I lose it all.
And I will never. Ever. Quit.
So, to those of you who think you can crush my spirit, or break my back. I have the force of all living things living inside of me. And while I cannot right all the wrongs I have done, I can go forward with their help, and seek salvation and redemption.
And I will never yield.
Rejected by people, by employers, I go out with a vengeance with my cameras and try to capture the amazing beauty and rawness of nature.
I have nobody to lay next to me and hold me. For years now. I have no companionship.
My mother now dead almost 2 years. I miss her every day.
My father in a great new relationship, lives with his girlfriend.
I have spent many days and nights listening to tunes, having a drink or two, and contemplating the rest of my life.
And I choose to live.
In defiance of all of the forces that try to lay me low.
The forces of nature that I try so hard to show in my photos have not only given me great moments to share, but they have filled me with the power of life.
And though my future is bleak in human terms, in the world of nature and of god, I am blessed. So I will not squander this chance.
I will persist even if I lose it all.
And I will never. Ever. Quit.
So, to those of you who think you can crush my spirit, or break my back. I have the force of all living things living inside of me. And while I cannot right all the wrongs I have done, I can go forward with their help, and seek salvation and redemption.
And I will never yield.
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