Well, Eric, tell me, how does that make you feel?

Imaginary counselor, asks me the question.

So, let's answer it.

Okay, doctor. Here is how I feel....

Today I sit here...just got a call from the mechanic. In addition to the 4 new tires I need, the front transaxle seals are leaking...and you need an oil change.

Dad will be paying for the repairs, on his MasterCard.

Because I have no money.

And the guilt builds. I have no job, no income. I get unemployment insurance.

I live in dad's house. I am 52 years old.

I live here only because of the grace of God, and because my father allows me to do so.

In addition, I just got an email from the ex-wife. She wants her alimony on the 1st, because she needs money to attend some funeral, and to buy flowers and what not.

Of course, my father helps to pay for that, too.

Because 2400 dollars a month doesn't go far when 1800 has to go to the ex-wife.

Oh, and did I mention, the alimony?...it's FOR LIFE.

How do I feel?

Like an abject and complete failure.

Like a man in prison.

Like someone sentenced to a life in hell.

Someone who will have to do whatever he can.

Not to live and have a happy life....

But to repay some debt.

A debt owed for the rest of my life.

To my father.

To my ex wife.

I live to serve.

I live to provide for them, or to try to, at least.

And it is fucking killing me.

I am trying with all my might to see a way out. A way forward.

And it eludes me.

This life of mine, counselor...doctor.....is one of existence.

I steal every moment I can to see the birds. To take my cameras out and capture the wonder of nature.

And it rejuvenates me.

And then I come "home".

To a house that is not mine.

To a room, cluttered with the remnants of a life long gone.

Rooms downstairs filled with boxes...the contents of which represent the life I once had.

They sit there gathering dust.

And I persevere.

And I think to myself, every day and every night....

Why?

Why bother?

Why not just let it all end?

Doctor, I live a life where I see incredible beauty, and I love the time I have out in the wilds, capturing the essence of nature and life on this planet.

And then I come home.

To hell.