Just what the hell is life?

Here it is.

My kids...I am so proud. They endured hell in the house they grew up in. Fighting and arguing. Discord. A hellish divorce. Loss of all we had.

Yet they thrive.

My son is doing fabulously in his work, as a cosmetologist at a fine salon. And, as the coach of a High School color guard team.

My daughter is Dean's list at college, and Phi Theta Kappa. She kicks ass. She's growing up, and not taking any shit from anyone.

Me?

I am hanging on by a thread. I hold out. I hold on.

I take my cameras out and I capture the impossible.

People stand in awe of me.

I don't see it.

But they say it over and over again.

My shots are incredible. I get the moments they dream of. I can do it.

I guess they should be. I gave up everything I had to get out there and find them. To find the truth. To find god, in whatever form. To find what makes this amazing natural world tick. To feel the force of life in the creatures all around me.

But with all of that. I am still nowhere.

This life, and the pressure of it are grinding me into the ground.

Everything hurts. My neck, my back. I have herniated discs that press on the nerves in my body, sending me reeling in pain. All day. Every day. I take Advil. I take Aspirin. I numb the pain any way I can, while still be able to get out with the cameras.

I lost it all. My home, my marriage, my career, my life, all my fortune, and my dreams.

I am on a quest.

To reclaim my life and discover my future.

And there are so many forces there trying to beat me to death.

I may not make it to the promised land.

But I will say this.

I will stand. With tears in my eyes. With pain ripping through me.

And defy it all.