You could have saved me.

These words echo inside of me tonight after one of the worst days I can remember.

I have never felt more like I will not make it than I do tonight.

After writing my blog about being a long term victim of abuse...

My realization, which I already knew in part.

Is that my father is very much the same. He is a dominant controlling man. He will swear to you that he needs to be that way to survive.

But what he employs are the very same tactics of classic abusive controlling people. Posturing, loud voice, employing guilt and intimidation. And when he has broken you down enough, he lures you back in with talk of love and appreciation for you.

And he did the same with my mother. Classic co-dependence, with a twist that he suffered to support her, while directly contributing to her demise. And the dominating her spirit, and her desire.

Today I sit here with so many bad things having happened.

After two glorious weeks at the cabin with my daughter. Peaceful, calm, beautiful. My father comes up for the last few days and turns it into hell.

And at the end of the day, I call him for what he is, an abuser. Tell him to read my fucking blog. Then my daughter and I leave while he is out of the cabin, and leave him a note.

I could not take one more hour in that cabin with him.

Here at least, living in his home, I have a room and a door, upstairs. But even that is not enough.

I have to get out of here. Or I will end up self destructing in this environment.

As a victim of possibly 2 decades worth of abuse, this is like throwing myself into the fire from the frying pan.

Lets add to that.

Today a voltage surge at the ancient cabin fried my laptop. Rendering contact with all my friends impossible.

So, because of the shit with my father, and that, I made the 245 mile trip in the evening, and now sit at home.

Lets add to this...

The girl I am crazy about, had a horrible day herself. Her mother, who is also abusive and very controlling and who she relies on, dropped and destroyed her pride and joy. A $12,000.00 camera rig with incredible lens.

And lets add more.

The girl I am crazy about can never see me.

Why? Because her abusive and domineering mother has threatened to throw her out of the house onto the street if she does.

What I need in my life is a substantial income or a windfall to help save my life. And those I love.

And it is not coming.

My ex-wife will get her alimony no matter what.

My father in his massive insecurity, will abuse and dominate in order to feel "safe".

My girlfriend's mother will dominate her life and crush her spirit.

You could have saved me.

If you only knew how.

That with funds and income and money, I would have the means to change all this.

But I don't.

So, I will resort to drastic measures.

And I will almost certainly be the casualty of that.

But I can TAKE NO MORE.

And I WILL NOT.

If I need to walk on the dark side to survive, I will.

I have taken all in this life I am prepared to.

I have suffered every loss that I can bear.

I have lost it all.

NO MORE.

Scorched Earth from now on.

I could have been the wonderful, loving, gentle, kind man.

Now I will be the worst nightmare if I have to.

Because no one, and nothing, will subjugate me.

So, get behind me, or get the fuck out of my way.

I have HAD it.

You could have saved me.

But no savior was coming.

So now, hell on Earth is the only way.

I'm sorry for this, I truly am.

But "you" could have saved me.

Instead, you let me die.