There are times I think I just won't make it.

After years and years now of endless changes and tumult in my life....it still does not relent.

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is constant. Or grounding. Or peaceful.

The stress of the pressures facing me is constant and unyielding. It will never go away. Most of it is financial.

The worst of it...lifetime alimony. A huge sum, to be paid every month, until I mercifully leave this planet. It is like being an indentured slave and servant to someone, forever.

In addition to all of that shit, I have unemployment insurance that will eventually run out.

And, my father will be moving in with his new girlfriend, before too long. (I currently live with him). He cannot sustain the bills and paying for that house for much longer.

And there are NO expectations I will ever get even a modestly decent income, ever again.

I cannot BUY a decent job. Application after application goes without so much as an email telling me they aren't interested.

I am too old. And not cheap enough, I guess. They want young and cheap and stupid. It's better for the company's "bottom line".

I cannot sell a damned photograph.

Friends and acquaintances contact me and want to know if they can get one of my prints that they just "love".

So, I tell them sure!. That 11x14 print will cost $39.99 plus shipping.

SILENCE.

I guess if I give it to them for 50 cents, that'd be cool.

I have my work at a gallery and home decorating store. It's great stuff.

Nobody wants my photos.

They do however buy up the Sepia Toned shit that another "artist" sells there of sand dollars, starfish and shells.

In the last few days here at the cabin, I have learned the following.

That my ex-wife, with whom both of my adult children live is not well.

She has either Multiple Sclerosis (very likely), and/or Bone Cancer.

What this means to me?

Well, from a human standpoint, it's hard to put into words.

I spent almost 30 years with that woman in a relationship. Almost 23 of which, we were married.

Now, I hold no affection for what she did to me, but still, this affects my children, who love their mother.

And all I can do is watch as the world around me burns to the ground.

To get where I am now.

To have lost fucking everything and suffered like I never thought possible.

It is one more horrendous thing to deal with.

I used to be a man who was at the top of his game, earning a great living in a very exclusive profession.

Now I am a basically homeless bum with a camera, trying desperately to see how I can earn enough money to survive, and of course to pay that alimony.

And, if she does indeed have MS, then I will be required by the courts to take care of her with all the alimony I can possibly afford.

After all, 23 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom entitles her to lifetime support.

Even though she was the one who cheated on me (twice), and had me thrown out of my own home, and she filed for divorce.

I can not, and never will win in this life. It is impossible. It is not doable. And I do not have the strength to keep up this fight for years on end. To exist only as a source of money to a woman who now is suffering physically, but who put the hurt on me like nobody ever could.

I am trapped and burdened and obliged.

I was beaten, abused, harassed and treated like shit.

And I PAY. Forever.

To top off my stellar week, my son, who my ex-wife worked on for years to hate his own father, decided to de-friend me from Facebook. Because I didn't tell him I have plans to eventually marry someone.

Of course, I won't ever really be able to marry that person, because she will never be free from her mother, and I will never be free from this HELL.

That is my life.