Yeah, sometimes I just have to air it out. And you can read and leave, or comment or do what you will. But this just just me. Being me.
I have live through it all. There is almost nothing I haven't experienced.
And it's all the very worst of life. It's all about loss, pain, abuse and sadness.
For so many years.
Some things I cannot even talk about here, so that I do not embarrass my darling daughter. Who has suffered as I have. In some ways, far worse than anything I have endured. God, I love her so.
The only thing I have not lost in this life is my children. Something I cannot endure even the thought of.
But I have lost everything else.
I am not saying this because I want your sympathy.
I am saying it because you NEED to know this shit if you want half a fucking chance to know who I am.
I have taken it all.
There is nothing on this Earth that I have not felt the pain of.
Cheating. Divorce. Physical, mental and emotional abuse. Loss of home and fortune. Loss of my job and career. Of my dignity.
And so much of it was outside of my control. Powerless. Helpless.
The courts, the police, the prosecutors. They came for me. They took all I had.
The hardest part of this life has been watching my dreams die. The dreams of a lifelong marriage, a comfortable retirement. A future that was bright and promising.
Instead, I sit here tonight writing this from the loft bedroom of my father's home. Unemployed, and heading to Federal bankruptcy court next week to declare to the world that I do indeed have nothing left.
And I simply do not know how to quit.
How easy it would be.
And so many would expect it.
But I just cannot.
I've taken it all. More than I can ever describe. For years, and years. And years.
I wake up every day and fight it.
I don't have anything left of the life I planned. Of the dreams I once had.
But every time I put that camera to my eye.
My heart races. And I smile.
Because for those moments, I am alive. And it is good to be.
And as long as there exists the promise that there will be times like that, I will persist.
Even as the bill collectors beckon. As the world closes in on me. As the obligations to pay a lifetime of support to my ex wife crush me.
I will never quit.
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The only thing worth adding to this.
ReplyDeleteYou are just a fraction of an inch of being where I am.
All it takes is one thing. And you lose it all.
If your wife decides to divorce you. Or your husband.
And all of a sudden, the whole world starts to implode.
Your house? Gone.
Your intact family? Forget it. Visit on weekends.
The court costs? Prepare to cash in your 401K.
Oh, your guns? They take them when she files the restraining order. Good luck getting them back. Will cost you as much as the divorce.
Oh, and the stress? It will rip you in half. You will not be able to do your job as your world falls apart. If you are lucky, they won't lay off.
And then you pack it all up. You take the remnants of your life and throw it in a moving truck. You pack some away in storage.
And as your head is still spinning, and after you have lost your job, all the bills keep coming in.
And you twist and turn and wonder how your life just dissolved in an instant.
You are ALL a heartbeat away from what I have lived.
Remember that.
Some people will never understand any bit of these feelings, they all live happy lives or become completely arrogant to others.
ReplyDeleteWhat is really awful too is if you got a family working against you or part of it, like my father interfering constantly with people around me, he apparently threatened or paid something to my doctor recently, so she turned against me and was writing reports against me. So I had to change doctor and in turn discover what all has been happening behind my back, although I do not really trust my new doctor, I cannot afford trusting anyone and I don't really like my new doctor, she isn't very sympathetic and she is rather tough talk one, suggesting me things I do not want to go through, because of my past. It would involve basically make me by psychiatric examination unable to work, or state based on the profile that I am unable to work thanks to the conditions. But I do not want to deal with shrinks anymore, I HAVE HAD IT with them and I don't trust them either. And I am willing to shout at them and make scenes as well, I don't care anymore. But I am not getting into this, my issues are not of psychiatric cause and I don't want to be flagged by some mistake diagnose again. They can go to hell, period. Even if it means I won't get any money, because of the interference of my previous doctor and my father, etc.
Btw did you receive that email message week ago? I rather wanted to talk about this through emails than to make it public, but whatever, I don't really care that much, although there is much more I wanted to talk with you about.
Leo, try sending to: reutere@fusioncreativedesign.com.
ReplyDeleteI just did, thanks. The two emails I sent are rather upsetting in content, so brace for impact.
ReplyDelete