Why AM I still here?

A question I have asked a few times. Mostly shaking my head in amazement.

My father. The strongest, toughest man I know.

Looked me in the eyes a few months ago and said, tearing up.....

"Son, I do not know how you have survived. I cannot imagine. After all you have been through. I would not have made it. I would have drank myself to death, and ended up in a ditch".

Yeah, dad. It's kind of like that.

I don't know how or why.

But I am still here.

We are told by well meaning friends that our future and our success and happiness is in our hands. That we control our destiny. If we work hard enough. If we keep a positive attitude. After all.

They did it. They made it. So can you!!

The man who told me these things.

Survived poverty growing up in Brooklyn NY, working like hell to get out.
Survived the Korean War.
Survived hardship and difficulties throughout his life.
Survived 30 years of dealing with my mother's alcoholism.
Survived open heart surgery, that saved his life.

And he tells me that what I have faced would have killed him.

I take little solace in that revelation.

I have to ask myself. Why am I still here?

Why didn't I quit and just toss it all in?

I don't know the answer.

Maybe I just fucking hate to lose.