You can't touch me.

You try.

From a distance. You tell me not to give up hope.

Keep at it!

So proud of you!

But you never touch me.

You sit there, miles away. A huge empty chasm between you and I.

All of you, my friends.

I am on a Highway To Hell, as my friends AC/DC sing about.

I've turned the ignition. The car is started.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

In the comfort of your fucking homes.

Watch me burn.

Enjoy the fireworks.

Have a great time.

Welcome to hell, motherfuckers.

Let me show you around.

Oh, that's right. You have your own life. Dare not touch the flame.

Or reach out your hand.

Oh, and you who claim to love me?

Put the fuck up, or shut up.

If you cannot be with me. If you have a million excuses.

Fuck off.

I have got better things to do.

People NEVER fail to disappoint me.

For what it is worth.

Crystal clear skies and gorgeous sun.

Beckons.

But my spirit is dead today.

My eyes have seen so many wonderful things.

And far too much pain.

For what is it that I must lose.

Before I get to see what happiness feels like?

Must I lose it all?

Is there something more that I need to sacrifice to find peace in this life?

No one answers.

Each day of my life goes on with an emptiness and despair that I try so hard to reconcile.

I can go for a week at a time without ever hearing another human voice. Without seeing a face.

While I am here at our cabin in the Catskill mountains....

I can hear a pin drop on the floor.

Or the breathing of my 2 furry companions. My dogs.

And I can sit for hours and the only sound of life at all is in the wind.

I have lived 52 years.

For those with wonderful lives, success, a home and happiness. A loving wife or companion, a decent job, good close friends, that is young.

It is a time to enjoy the pleasures of life and reap the rewards of a lifetime of hard work.

For me it is a time to feel as old and as battered and battle-weary as the toughest soldier.

For my life has been a war. A constant struggle.

I try with all my might to pull myself out of a hole and a hell that few can imagine. And what I would not wish on my worst enemy.

And so few. Precious few. Understand at all.

When you strip a man of his dreams. Isolated. Poor. Destitute. Alone.

When you betray him.

Abuse him.

And then enslave him to a life of payment to support the evildoer.

When you forsake him.

When you ignore him.

When you claim to love him but only take from him what he has to offer.

You kill him.

And barring a miracle.

I am dead already.

My Trainer has the towel in hand...

And I am ready to nod my head and tell him to throw it in the ring.

No matter what I do, I can't fucking win.

I have gone 15 rounds with the champ.

I'm still standing. But I lost every round on points.

I am bloodied, battered and bruised. Everything aches.

But here I stand.

The champ looks over at me with respect for being able to stand up to him for so long.

But in the end, he wins.

And he hoists the belt over his head.

And I go back to the dressing room and nurse my wounds.

Eminently forgettable.

The challenger.

The loser.

Ramblings....

I have now made already two extended trips to the Catskill mountains, at my cabin.

I have invited my lady and my best friends to join me if they could.

No takers.

I have gone to the ends of the Earth to be open, inviting and accommodating.

But life is too busy for everyone. Or they simply cannot get away.

So, I do this alone. As it always is.

At least I have my two dogs and the hummingbirds at the feeders. The winds and rain and the fog coming off the lake in the mornings.

I am trying to count my blessings.

But I would much rather count them with someone here next to me.

Someone to talk to.

To cook for.

To hug.

To share.

I've lost enough. Paid enough dues.

It ends now.

I will lose no more. I will not sacrifice any more of my life, my remaining possessions.

I won't give more so that others can live comfortably or be happy.

I am laying down a gauntlet.

If you want more from me, you will have to kill me to get it.

And I will fight to the death for what I have left.

Be forewarned.

I have nothing left in this world to lose.

Take that to heart. Realize what that means.

I am the man who can be the best friend you ever knew. The best partner. The best lover.

But for those of you who think I exist for you. That I need to be something you want me to be.

For those who think that they can change me.

For those who feel that they can influence me or intimidate me.

You are going to lose.

I told my ex-wife years ago, that you don't want me as an enemy.

Because you will have to kill me to stop me.

And I meant.

Every word.

No matter what. There is no one on this Earth who can keep me on my knees.

I am.

Defiance.

And I am willing to give all. I am willing to risk it all.

So for those of you who want to offer ultimatums. Or threats. Take heed.

The power of the nature and the world around me, all living things, lives inside of me.

You cannot conquer the life force of nature.

That lives in me.

I am one with the birds. The butterflies. The trees.

And they have been here for millions of years.

Woe to you who challenge that kind of power.

So be forewarned and be prepared.

You have never known anyone like me.

I have the strength of nature and the living world in my veins.

And you cannot win. You never will.

For the birds are my allies. The trees, my shelter. The cool winds of Autumn rejuvenate me. The force of all living things pulses in my soul.

And I will not yield.

If I were you.....

My father told me this evening, among many other things.

"If I were you, and had lived what you lived, I would be dead by now"

Exactly right, dad.

They just haven't buried me yet.

I've reached my limit of what I will endure.

Big changes coming.

My dad is going to pray for me.

News flash, dad.

God is dead. He doesn't exist. You can pray to him all you want, but your prayers will fall on non-existent, deaf ears.

Finally There.

I am finally ready to finish this book.

It will rip your heart out.

It will make you cry a river.

And then it will lift your spirits and show you things you've never seen before.

I'm ready.

I'm there.

This life of mine has beaten me to near death, many times.

I've prayed to never wake up again, many times.

The lines on my face and bags under my eyes, the gray hair and bald head are testament to the stress.

There have been so many changes, so much pain, and so many horrible things that have happened that I can't even wrap my head around most of it.

But today, I am still standing.

And it is time to put to paper that story, and the story of a Wildlife Refuge and the creatures that live there.

And how they saved my life.

And brought me new friends.

And how blessed I am to have seen and photographed the things I have.

You will be amazed and astounded. As I have been.

This. Is. My. Life.

I hesitated a lot before posting this.

This is going to be raw.

Beyond raw.

I cannot believe my life. No, I really can't. I sit here tonight in awe of the circumstances I find myself in. Not in a good way. In a place where I am astounded at how bad it can get. And how it never...

Ever...

Ends.

In the last few weeks, I have dealt with the following.

The rape and assault of my daughter by an ex boyfriend. A Sociopathic monster. We hired her an attorney and got a restraining order (for life) against the piece of shit.

But that doesn't change what happened to her.

I have found out through my kids that my ex-wife may never walk again. She has some degenerative neurological disorder that is making her lose control of her motor functions. She in all likelihood will be disabled, for life.

Of course, even though I have not been married to her for almost 5 years, I have lifetime alimony to pay. And with this new development, I am sure the courts will not want to hear about me reducing my payments. In fact, they may want me to increase them, in order to support her for life.

I am on unemployment. I cannot find a job no matter what I do. Nothing. Not even a phone call.

I have so far been unable to make a dime as a photographer.

I am still (barely) trying to finish a book. Even if it is a good one, and I get a publisher, I can't hope to make more than a pittance.

My dad, God bless him. He met a wonderful woman. Falling in love. He's moving in with her. Soon.

This house that I share with him and live in? Going up for sale.

Where am I going?

Out.

That's where.

Out.

Not here, that's for sure. The place will be sold and I will be out of a home.

And I sit here.

5 years after the loss of my marriage and my life's savings. 3 jobs, 2 homes lost. My family in ruins.

The only thing I have left is my cameras and a willingness to find the beauty in this world.

I have nothing else to save me.

And these same people. My dad and my kids expect me to somehow be the be-all and end-all. That I will just have to survive, and somehow prosper, so that all of THEM can be okay, happy, content or cared for.

Well I have news.

Fuck you all.

You are all adults. You all have your own life. You are all responsible for your future.

It is time to stop throwing lead anchors on the man who you all seem to think owes you a life at the expense of his.

I will either prevail, or I will fail and lose it all, for good.

But you, none of you. Can imagine this load. The pressure. The loss. The pain.

Not one of you can have a fucking clue what it has been like these last 5, or even 10 years.

Newsflash.

I do NOT exist FOR YOU.

And if I have to burn every fucking bridge, I will.

Because I have given all that I am ever going to be able to give.

And I will not die a miserable death living in hell to make sure you are all happy.

It's MY fucking turn to live.

I've paid all I will ever pay.

Time to stand on your own, and stop thinking I need to do for YOU.

I am DONE.

Welcome to FUCKING HELL. I will be your tour guide.

The Lake I Used to Know.

Is gone.

In it's place are assholes with Jet Skis and Power Boats.

Tearing up the water, all day long, every day, all Summer long. The more power, the better it seems.

Yelling and screaming and having fun. Showboating. Racing around.

On a lake the size of a puddle.

Does nobody anymore cherish the beauty and the quiet sounds of nature and the outdoors?

Or does everyone need MORE EXCITEMENT. More power. More FUN!!!

Yippee!, Lets water-ski! Lets race on our monster Jet Skis! Lets be assholes!!

I sit at this lake and in my cabin now and hear MORE noise than I do in the home I live in, in New Jersey.

The roar of motors. Droning on, all day long. Constant. And it is almost all I hear.

When I was a child, coming to this same place, what I saw was so different.

The old timers were out in rowboats in the morning and late day with their fishing rods. A few people sailed in small boats, enjoying the wind.

But over time, the fucking morons from NYC and North Jersey purchased the lots and summer homes here. And what they love...is NOISE. Lots of NOISE.

Grossly overpowered boats. Enormous Jet Ski's that could hit 50mph or more.

On a lake that is BARELY ONE THIRD OF A MILE LONG.

So, it is incessant. All summer long what I have here, in the beautiful mountains of NY State, is the equivalent of Six Flags Theme Park in New Jersey. An arcade.

And what fucking irks me more than anything, is that it is ONLY THOSE people who get to enjoy the lake.

The rest of us. Those who prefer Walden Pond to Disney World, cannot enjoy what we once had.

And these people who love their power boats and Jet Skis...they don't even care about the nature or wildlife here. They like "the view". They have created a playground for idiots and fucking morons where once the beauty of nature and the sound of the wind were all there was.

If they could find a way to pave some of the land around here and race on it with overpowered Go-Carts, I am sure they would.

And lets not forget those wonderful young people with their ATVs. Riding them down the trails and through the woods. The sounds of their motors whining and roaring through the hills.

Ahhh. Nature. The great outdoors! Lets SHIT all over it, why don't we?

It is the law of nature, sadly. Human Nature. Those with power, win. Those with the horsepower, the engines, the loud, obnoxious boats. They win. They rule.

And all of us lose.

Erasing the past is impossible. But I try.

I have spent a number of days now at "Butterfly Lane" shooting pics of the gorgeous insects that always seem to be there.

And a dozen years ago, my ex-wife and my young children were there with me.

And every time I see that familiar place, their memories come at me like a tsunami.

I walk up and down the road by that hillside looking for Orange Sulphurs, and Great Spangled Fritillaries.

And I see the faces of my children.

And of my former wife.

And I try, with all I have to swat those memories from my head.

But I can't.

It is like walking in some alternate reality.

Someone, somewhere, ripped me from my world and put me in this alternate universe.

I walk the same paths. Travel the same roads.

Yet everything from that life I knew is gone.

But it haunts me.

It pulls at me.

It kills me.

How I feel today...

Taken from an exchange I had with a friend....

----------------------

I know you had your trials and tribulations. And I don't mean to minimize that. At all.

But what I have lost cannot be regained. And in addition to the loss of the marriage, the infidelity and all of that....I lost everything worldly. Home, money, job, career, finances.

And I cannot begin to describe how that affects you.

Not only did I take the hit for the affairs and divorce, but I am now an indentured servant to the one who destroyed me.

I alternate between feeling helpless, and wanting to be the avenging angel of death.

There is precious little hope for me and my life.

I have no capacity to turn things around and become well off, or even be able to meet my alimony needs.

So long as my ex lives, she will kill me, slowly, every single day.

I know that I cannot win. It will take a miracle. And that is not coming.

Things will not change for me.

Even my good friend Royce told me.

"You are like Job".

And he was right.

My faith has been tested to the breaking point.

I bide my time. And each day that goes by I realize that I cannot seem to clear the hurdle.

No matter what.

I will be alone.

I will never have any money

I will be a slave to my ex as long as she lives.

All I can do. And I do mean ALL. Is steal the time I have to do what I love while I can.

Sooner or later, it all ends.

And it won't be a success story.

It will be an obituary.

How do you deal...

22 Years ago I sat in a hallway in St. Peters Hospital holding my newborn son.

I looked into his eyes, and named him after my dad and his great grandfather.

Such hope and promise.

And 22 years later, that same young man cannot stand his own father.

This is a pain you cannot express in words.

Photographs.

If you look at my Facebook page.

If you glance at my websites.

If you go to my Flickr site.

You will find thousands of images.

And virtually no people.

As I visited friends photo albums tonight, what I saw so very starkly...

Is that I am not a part of the normal world anymore.

And I am so very alone.

I saw so many wonderful shots of families and friends, loved ones and good times.

Countless smiles. Silly shots. Laughing, having fun.

I have no friends in real life. Nobody who can visit me. Or I visit them.

My phone is silent.

I have 1400 minutes on my cell phone plan. I think in July I used 53. Those were from either my dad, or my daughter, or my ex wife, or bill collectors.

While I have been at the lake cabin these last few weeks, I made it a point to make many trips to town. Why? To see and talk with and mingle with people at the grocery and liquor stores. For those 10 or 15 minutes, I actually got to speak to other human beings.

When you look at my many thousands of photos, all you see is what I see.

I see the birds, the insects, the reptiles, and the scenery. The trees, the sunrise, the sunset, the lake and the woods.

You'll even see photos of some of my meals.

Enjoyed alone.

It hit me tonight.

Just how alone I am in this world.

How different my life is from virtually all of my friends online.

In their lives, there are people. People who matter to them, and for whom they matter.

For me, there are only fleeting glimpses.

Because, that is all there is.

Dreams I'll never see...

From the Molly Hatchet song. Love those guys. They know how to ROCK.

I sit here realize there are dreams I will never see.

I live in a world where fantasy and reality never meet.

Where former lovers and partners enjoy a life with someone else now. Happy and content. Enjoying life with someone. Someone who is not me.

So, what the fuck did I do to deserve being the cast-off?

What is it about me that makes me the also-ran?

What the fuck is it with my life where I have so much to offer someone, yet they either move on to someone "better", or they can't actually break free to be with me?

Is the idea of a loving, caring man, gentle and caring. Loving and devoted. Skilled at so many things better held as a fantasy than a reality?

And what is it that those who have had some form of a relationship with me....fear?

That I am too intense?

That I might be too dangerous to love?

That they cannot handle the intensity?

What I have surmised, after 52 years on this planet....

Is that I make a great person to be with, so long as you don't actually have to be with me.

Instead, go find the man with the great car. The nice house. The great job. Someone who will take you on great vacations.

Someone safe.

And what you lose?

Well, I will tell you.

You lose the best man you could have ever had.

A man who would show you love and affection and passion and tenderness the likes of which you have never known.

But of course, it is far easier to go for the sure thing.

Enjoy that boring life, with the man who is stable but uninspired. The man who has the nice house, the great family, the good job.

You all chose someone other than me.

So, live your life. You made your choices.

Now, sit back and watch what you could have had.

Something way beyond what you settled for.