For what it is worth.

Crystal clear skies and gorgeous sun.

Beckons.

But my spirit is dead today.

My eyes have seen so many wonderful things.

And far too much pain.

For what is it that I must lose.

Before I get to see what happiness feels like?

Must I lose it all?

Is there something more that I need to sacrifice to find peace in this life?

No one answers.

Each day of my life goes on with an emptiness and despair that I try so hard to reconcile.

I can go for a week at a time without ever hearing another human voice. Without seeing a face.

While I am here at our cabin in the Catskill mountains....

I can hear a pin drop on the floor.

Or the breathing of my 2 furry companions. My dogs.

And I can sit for hours and the only sound of life at all is in the wind.

I have lived 52 years.

For those with wonderful lives, success, a home and happiness. A loving wife or companion, a decent job, good close friends, that is young.

It is a time to enjoy the pleasures of life and reap the rewards of a lifetime of hard work.

For me it is a time to feel as old and as battered and battle-weary as the toughest soldier.

For my life has been a war. A constant struggle.

I try with all my might to pull myself out of a hole and a hell that few can imagine. And what I would not wish on my worst enemy.

And so few. Precious few. Understand at all.

When you strip a man of his dreams. Isolated. Poor. Destitute. Alone.

When you betray him.

Abuse him.

And then enslave him to a life of payment to support the evildoer.

When you forsake him.

When you ignore him.

When you claim to love him but only take from him what he has to offer.

You kill him.

And barring a miracle.

I am dead already.