I hesitated a lot before posting this.
This is going to be raw.
Beyond raw.
I cannot believe my life. No, I really can't. I sit here tonight in awe of the circumstances I find myself in. Not in a good way. In a place where I am astounded at how bad it can get. And how it never...
Ever...
Ends.
In the last few weeks, I have dealt with the following.
The rape and assault of my daughter by an ex boyfriend. A Sociopathic monster. We hired her an attorney and got a restraining order (for life) against the piece of shit.
But that doesn't change what happened to her.
I have found out through my kids that my ex-wife may never walk again. She has some degenerative neurological disorder that is making her lose control of her motor functions. She in all likelihood will be disabled, for life.
Of course, even though I have not been married to her for almost 5 years, I have lifetime alimony to pay. And with this new development, I am sure the courts will not want to hear about me reducing my payments. In fact, they may want me to increase them, in order to support her for life.
I am on unemployment. I cannot find a job no matter what I do. Nothing. Not even a phone call.
I have so far been unable to make a dime as a photographer.
I am still (barely) trying to finish a book. Even if it is a good one, and I get a publisher, I can't hope to make more than a pittance.
My dad, God bless him. He met a wonderful woman. Falling in love. He's moving in with her. Soon.
This house that I share with him and live in? Going up for sale.
Where am I going?
Out.
That's where.
Out.
Not here, that's for sure. The place will be sold and I will be out of a home.
And I sit here.
5 years after the loss of my marriage and my life's savings. 3 jobs, 2 homes lost. My family in ruins.
The only thing I have left is my cameras and a willingness to find the beauty in this world.
I have nothing else to save me.
And these same people. My dad and my kids expect me to somehow be the be-all and end-all. That I will just have to survive, and somehow prosper, so that all of THEM can be okay, happy, content or cared for.
Well I have news.
Fuck you all.
You are all adults. You all have your own life. You are all responsible for your future.
It is time to stop throwing lead anchors on the man who you all seem to think owes you a life at the expense of his.
I will either prevail, or I will fail and lose it all, for good.
But you, none of you. Can imagine this load. The pressure. The loss. The pain.
Not one of you can have a fucking clue what it has been like these last 5, or even 10 years.
Newsflash.
I do NOT exist FOR YOU.
And if I have to burn every fucking bridge, I will.
Because I have given all that I am ever going to be able to give.
And I will not die a miserable death living in hell to make sure you are all happy.
It's MY fucking turn to live.
I've paid all I will ever pay.
Time to stand on your own, and stop thinking I need to do for YOU.
I am DONE.
Welcome to FUCKING HELL. I will be your tour guide.
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Damn...yeah it will be sold out and what will you do then? I guess you won't be able to pay for it if you left you to live there would you? But at same time he could help with the payment or something...but yeah he wants to move out with his love and that is not to blame I guess and then he probably couldn't be able to pay for both. But still there should be a way to retain it, maybe perhaps is the social system wasn't fucked up in first place, you could still live there and not be forced to leave. If only it was like that......maybe in dreams or alternate reality or the few countries that are better in that regard.
ReplyDeleteYes they all got their lives, etc, it is an old song after all and it's been sung to me lately as well. "we can't help you leo, what do you want from us, we got our own lives, we can't listen to you, etc etc"
Smartasses