I am a nature photographer.

Yep, that is what I am. And a writer. And maybe even, a teacher.

I have SO much to offer.

So, where are you?

You have an untapped resource here, that could provide you with incredible photos of the birds and other wildlife.

A man of passion and intelligence, who could teach and inspire.

Is there anyone in this world, who will believe in me, and give me that shot?

They say it's all up to us to find our way, to chart the course. To network, make friends, get the "in" so we can find productive work.

But you know, sometimes you just need a fucking helping hand.

So, anyone out there want to give me a shot?

Go for it. You won't be sorry.

You'll have the most kick-ass, motivated, talented person you could have ever imagined, who loves what he does almost more than life itself.

I've got it all. Energy, talent, ability. Experience. Business savvy. Professional experience. Mentoring. Management experience. Incredible intelligence. And a host of skills so many would be envious of.

Try me.

Trying to follow the path...

A good friend has helped me to see and understand. That the universe, the forces around us, try to show us things. That there is a path we can choose and take, that will lead to happiness and peace in our lives. That it is possible. But sometimes the lessons are to be learned the hard way. Sometimes the way is not clear. Not easy to understand.

I know this.

In my heart, what has always brought me joy was being part of the natural world. Exploring. Learning. Observing. Now, using my cameras, to capture the scenes, the animals, the wildlife that is so captivating to me.

I know also, that being at our lake cabin in the woods and mountains of NY State brings me great peace and joy. I feel as if I belong there.

But this world seemingly, and to this point, has little use for the likes of me.

In order to survive, I need income. A good salary. To meet obligations to my ex wife (alimony) and to be able to afford a place to live.

As of yet, I am unable to see how doing what I love can get me there. But I haven't given up.

I have 2 job interviews next week for positions in my old field. Information Technology.

I worked in that field for 30 years.

I don't enjoy it. I don't even care about it. It brings me no joy. And I could hardly care less. It is just a job. A means toward an end. But it would take all of my time. And my photography, and my joy, would soon disappear.

So I face these apparent choices.

Try like hell to get one of those good jobs. Make money. Afford a place to live.

And give up what I love, what brings me peace and joy. Give up the time at the cabin at the lake.

What a choice.

Sometimes.

You just have to go for it.

Tonight, I decide that I am.

Enough of waiting around to see what happens.

Sometimes, you have to just go for what you want.

And I am. :)

Broken.

Lyrics by Lifehouse:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

It just keeps getting better.

Well, I have 2 possible job opportunities. That's wonderful.

I have an in person interview on Monday. That's 2 days after Christmas.

We are due to get a snowstorm starting Christmas day, and lasting through Monday morning.

So, I went out today, to get a nice suit for my interview. I need one. I have no clothes left, and the last suit I had is in tatters.

So, I called Frank's Big and Tall. I need a place like this because my sizes aren't available at your run of the mill department store. They were great...they said they could have the pants hemmed and get me in a suit today if I could get to the store early.

So, I drove to the store.

And it was boarded up and closed.

I called them.

The nearest store was 40 miles north of where I was.

No time left. They were closing early.

So, I turned around and went to a local department store. No luck. Jackets that fit, but pants sized for little boys.

I gave up.

This is the story of my life. Nothing comes easy. Nothing happens without extreme effort, or travail. It's like I live to jump over obstacles and climb walls.

It's Christmas eve.

And through the magic of the internet, and FaceBook, I read of my friends and their preparations for Christmas. Mostly joyous, festive, wonderful posts. Baking cookies. Making things for tomorrow's big dinner. Welcoming family to their home. Celebrating the joy of their lives. Their children. Their husband. Their wife. Their new love. The beautiful tree. The lights!

And it's all so wonderful.

For them.

Tonight I sit in this shit hole of a house. My dad's house. The king of hoarders, there is more crap in here than a dozen workers could empty into a 5 ton dumpster in 3 days of solid work.

It's quiet. And it is alone.

And I grow bitter and resentful.

I could make a great Ebenezer Scrooge.

I have a bottle of gin and nice cold tonic water, and all the ice I could need.

So, I sit, and I drink.

And I self medicate.

The way my mother did.

She couldn't stand the pain of her life. Of her marriage. Of the conditions she was in.

She didn't drink because she was a hopeless alcoholic with an addiction problem.

She drank because she gave up. Because to do so was the one thing nobody in her life could control. And because it numbed the pain.

I finally understand her. And why she did what she did. And how sorrowful that was.

She was a woman of incredible talent, intelligence, compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

Driven to her knees by circumstances that crushed her spirit.

Much like this life I now lead, is trying to do to me.

My brother recently came to visit. And he and I agreed. Mom (her ashes) need to be at the cabin and the lake. Currently they sit alone on a mantle in this fucking shit hole of a house surrounded by photos of her, and garbage. She deserves better than that.

So, I will be taking her to the lake this Spring. And I don't care what my father says about that. He may have been her husband...but she gave birth to me and to my brothers. And that gives us the right. She is my blood. And she will be at the cabin. The place she loved more than anything. So help me, God.

Tonight I sit here again at this "wonderful time of year" totally disgusted.

I reach back, and try hard to feel the joy of what my friends and loved ones are enjoying. And wishing them well. Because I truly want them to be happy.

But I yearn for December 26th. When all of the pretense of this holiday are OVER.

I am tired of being reminded that I have no wife, no woman who loves me, no family with me, no job, and no money, no home and no future.

Just damned tired.

And the rage builds.

Sadness and loss turns to anger.

Because I have only two choices. I can sit here and wallow and give up. I can cry and say woe is me. Or I can rage inside at the injustice of it all. And I can build a fire inside, fueled by a deep hatred of the forces and people who have made me suffer.

I choose to strike the match, and light the flame.

And so help me. I will burn this misery to the ground. And nobody will stand in my way.

I have had ALL I will ever take.

ALL.

It's my life. And it may be fucking miserable to the end. But I will not allow anyone to chart that course but me.

I'm angry. I'm tired of sucking it down. I'm tired of losing.

I'm tired of hurting.

Done. Time to kick some ass. And I don't even care about taking the names.

Although I know better...

There are times when I want to say I have had enough.

Where I want to wave the white flag and just surrender.

Throw in the towel.

I am so exhausted.

So drained from this struggle. So forlorn with my circumstances.

Many tell me that the best is yet to come.

That "next year" will be the year.

They have been telling me this for 5 years now.

And each year is worse than the last.

Forgive me, for self indulgence.

But I hate this life.

More than you can imagine.

Every day is filled with raw emotion. Filled with the pain of loss and of loneliness.

I got up this morning and looked in the mirror. Huge bags under my eyes. Wrinkles everywhere. My hair and beard fully gray...now that I am allergic to hair dye, I can't even fool myself.

I look like nine miles of bad road, and like I've been through a fucking war.

And I live in a house full of utter shit that I cannot possibly clean out by myself.

And hell, it isn't even my house. It's my father's.

Of course he doesn't live here any more.

He left me here, to go live with his girlfriend.

So, it's just me, a couple dozen boxes still sealed, sitting in the living and dining room, and even on the stairs, with the last remnants of my life inside of them. Still packed.

And the furniture and other belongings from my past life, sit in a frozen garage at the lake cabin.

I am just existing here.

Month after month. Year after endless year.

I keep trying to work a way out of this. To find good employment, and to somehow make enough money to pay my ex wife her alimony every month, and to afford a place to live.

I have determined that it is all but impossible.

I have a very small ray of hope left. But it's fading.

My photography is great. I do wonderful work.

And who cares?

Nobody.

Nobody willing to hire me or pay me for that skill, to the point where I could survive.

I've got the towel in my hand.

I am ready to throw it in the ring.

I hate this life.

More than anything I could ever express.

I cannot stand the pain, the loneliness, and the hopelessness.

I exist.

I persevere.

And I do it because others rely on me.

My kids for instance.

But that brings me no solace, and no comfort.

And almost no hope.

I hate this life.

And those who helped to put me here.

Because I could have been so much more.

Mixed emotions.

Christmas is just 2 days away.

And my emotions are all over the place.

For me, Christmas has been a time of great pain and loss over the last few years. I now associate it with broken dreams, failed romances. Broken family. The loss of my mother. And the loss of all my worldly possessions and of my home.

I see others smiling and happy. Together with their partners and those they love.

Festive. Parties. Presents. A warm fire. A nice home.

And it just points out even more to me, how far I have fallen. How much I have lost.

I would love to trade places. But I dare not wish my fate on any of the friends I love.

I am strong enough to survive this.

Not so sure many of my friends could.

And I would not wish it on them.

I don't resent them, or their happiness. I am happy to see my friends happy and enjoying their life.

But I also see myself, and by comparison, my life...

Is so much less than what I wish it were.

I no longer celebrate this holiday. I no longer observe it. Nor will I, probably ever.

You reach a point where the memories of Christmas past become those that overshadow any pretense of what they could have, or should have been.

I am very content to just look at this as another day.

The buildup to this holiday is over the top. The music of the season on every radio station, in the malls, at the gas station!, and just about everywhere. The lights are out on every home. On the street light poles in town. It's over the top, and it's everywhere.

I read stories from people about the thousands of dollars they are spending on gifts, and just shake my head.

I used to be like that. My ex and I used to spend insane amounts on the kids, on gifts.

I have a very different perspective now.

All of that?

Means absolutely nothing.

Being in the position where I can barely afford to give anyone anything has depressed me. I don't want to spend thousands on worthless junk. But I did want to be able to just give something to those I care about. I can't.

Like I said, the emotions are mixed.

Part of me feels like I am "missing out".

The other part feels that it was never really meaningful anyway. It was all superficial.

I'm not a Christian. I'm not an atheist, either.

So, I look at this through a very peculiar set of eyes.

What is left wanting in me is the love and closeness of a partner and of family, together. To be with someone I love and who loves me, and to have my family and children close.

Not because I want to celebrate a religious (and commercial) holiday.

But just that at this time of year, the lack of it seems especially acute.

Shining the light of day on cruelty and viciousness

This was sent to a friend of mine. A former member of the infidelity board we both belonged to. The message came from the administrators of that site. And I quote:

"Your scorned BW side is coming out. It never takes long with you, does it? Your envy over solid, happy marriages is very apparent. It’s sad that you’ll never experience it."

For a site that preaches forgiveness and reconciliation as the hallmarks of their support network, that comment reveals a lot, doesn't it?

Disgusting, disgraceful, hateful, vicious, and designed to be hurtful.

When you chance upon me.

Be kind.

Be gentle in your ways.

Do not confront me.

Don't raise your hand, or your voice.

Because I have had all of that I will ever endure.

My heart is soft, and my spirit open.

My emotions are often on my sleeve.

My words and the photographs I take, tell the story of who I am, what I feel, what I experience, and what I have lived. They show you my dreams, my sorrows.

So, when you by chance meet me.

When you want to talk with me. Or ask something of me.

Be kind.

Be gentle.

Or be forewarned.

In my dreams...

I wake up, at the lake.

She is with me.

The woman I love.

We...the two of us and our dogs, are anxious to start the day.

It looks to be a good one.

Lets make sure those camera batteries are charged!

Oh, and breakfast....

The most incredible omelettes. Asparagus, Cheddar Cheese, Onions. A thick delicious toast spread with Maple Cream from a local grower.

It's going to be a good day.

It took over 50 years to get here. We can celebrate life now. We can celebrate nature.

The birds.

The Butterflies.

The dragonflies.

The aroma of those incredible pines.

We will greet the new day. The birds are already all over the many feeders we have.

The lake is covered with a fine mist and gentle fog. Ready to relent in favor of a rising sun.

And we are ready to go.

What will we see today? What wonderful new things?

And when we come home...a hot lunch of soup and sandwiches. And maybe we'll steal a few Peanut M&M's from the bowl on the kitchen table.

Then, we will head out again. To see what we can see. To capture what we can, with our cameras and lenses. And share those sights with our friends, and the rest of the world.

And as they day winds down. We'll light a fire in the fireplace. We'll bask in the warmth, and the glow and the light.

Then we'll head to bed. To make love. To hold each other close. To tell each other how much we love each other. How wonderful it is.

In my dreams.

And only there.

This is my future.

You Are The Result Of Yourself.

Don't blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything
Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.
Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself
...And the worth of starting to correct your character.
The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.
Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.
Face it with courage and accept it.
Somehow, they are the result of your acts and
It shows that you'll always win.
Don't feel frustrated of your own failures, neither unload them to someone else.
Accept yourself now or you'll go on justifying yourself like a child.
Remember that any time is good to start
And that no time is so good to give up.
Don't forget that the cause of your present is your past,
As the cause of your future will be your present.
Learn from the brave, from the strong,
From who doesn't accept situations
From who will live in spite of everything.
Think less of your problems and more of your work.
Learn to arise from your pain,
And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.
Look at the mirror of yourself and you'll be free and strong
And you'll stop being a puppet of circumstances.
For you yourself are your destiny.
Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.
You're part of the strength of your life now,
Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you'll win in life.
Don't ever think of 'fate'
For fate is the excuse of failures.

This Christmas Morning.

I will wake at 4:15.

There is no tree. There are no presents. There is no wife. There are no kids here. They are at their mother's house. And they will have a morning that she has planned.

My father will be fast asleep at his girlfriend's house.

My mother, gone now almost 2 years, will be with me in spirit.

As I sling the camera over my shoulder.

And head to the last home I have.

The refuge.

I will head out Christmas day, with my 1999 Dodge Ram as my trusty steed, and head to Forsythe.

To see what nature has to offer me this day.

And I will be blessed.

And I will be home.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends. May this day be a wonderful one for you.

For me, it will be one where the birds are my family. The sun and the sky my companion.

I will be home.

A place I have longed for, forever.

Sometimes, you only need a few words.

My dad, from his hospital bed. To me, on the phone. After open heart surgery:

"Son, I am so happy to be here talking with you right now".

Yeah, dad. Me too. :)

Defiance

My former username, on a board I used to belong to. For over 5 years.

And so fitting. Because I just never quit. And as hard as things get, I will never relent.

At times, just so I can show all the assholes who doubted me in my life can suck it down.

For all of my life. I did what I could in my chosen field, which was IT.

Supercomputing and Scientific Computing, to be exact.

And all during that time, my skills. My ability. Were always overshadowed by my superiors.

Most of them feared me. Because they knew that I was sharper than they were. Able to speak better than they were. Able to write, better than they.

I was an imposing figure. Large of stature, confident, intelligent, sharp, and very well spoken.

They HATED that.

So now, I am a nature photographer. I work with all I have to get the best shots I possibly can.

And my work speaks for itself.

And now, nobody can stand over me and keep me down. They can't say I am not a great performer. They can't stop me from showing what I can do.

My photos speak for themselves.

So, to all of you bosses, superiors, and other insecure assholes who kept me down, all those years.

Fucking SUCK IT DOWN.

Because even if I never make another dime. I have shown what I am capable of. And there is nothing on this Earth you can do to stop me.

Yeah, I am bragging.

In your face, motherfuckers.

You pretenders. With no real talent, just a line of bullshit and a brown nose. You made your way by sucking up.

I made my way by using my talents and ability.

Something you will never have.

I know that I can kick all ass as a photographer. Because I am doing what I love, with an intense passion you will never understand.

You want a paycheck and a life with a great house, a great car, and a wife with DD boobs at your beck and call.

And I want to know what it means to realize my potential. To do what I love. To connect with nature and to show the world what I see, what I feel, and what I experience.

And with any luck at all, to inspire others to do the same.

So, enjoy your nice home, your sexy wife, and the comforts you hold dear.

And I will fight the bitter cold, the wind, and the rain and snow.

To show people what it really means.

To live.

Fumbling for the words...

My dad survived his heart surgery and is recovering in ICU.

I have no idea how. Or why. I am still here.

I have had SO much to deal with, that there must be someone or something else holding me up.

I cannot even describe how much I have had to endure. Emotionally and otherwise.

Today was the longest day of my life.

I am fighting with all I have to celebrate this life. To be grateful for what I have.

And as of tonight, I still have my dad.

The man who tossed a baseball with me after work, every night in the summer.

40 years ago.

I love you dad.

Thank you for not leaving me here alone. :(

Love,

Your son.

Test me.

Yeah, go for it.

Is there nothing that I won't have to try to deal with? I sometimes wonder.

While i waver and sometimes flail under the strain, I keep having to rally whatever the hell is inside of me to deal with all sorts of stress. Usually all at once.

Tonight, I visited my dad, who goes for a life-saving quadruple bypass open heart procedure. Tomorrow.

At the same time, I was called upon by my incredible and wonderful daughter, because she needed support and someone to listen to her. There had been an emotional and difficult issue at home with her mom and her brother. And she wanted someone there to just listen to her.

So, I dug down deep and found that reserve. To listen, to care, to advise when I thought it was a good idea.

I am sitting here tonight, dealing with an almost overwhelming sense of emotion, and so little power.

I can do nothing to help my dad. But I love him and worry about him.

I can do some to help my daughter, but her life is in her hands. She is a young woman. An adult. I try to be what I can for her.

My unemployment runs out next week.

There is no job.

There is no more money.

The stress is overwhelming.

I have no idea what I am going to do. Or how I will survive. Or what will come.

I sit here tonight completely at the mercy of the fates. Of god, in whatever form.

Helpless, powerless and alone.

I am hanging on by a thread.

But, make no mistake. I am still holding on.

Whatever comes will come. And I am powerless to stop it.

The Year In Pictures.

Lots of people do these. I used to.

This year, the pictures are going to be from my mind's eye. While I envision them, I will write about them.

This was the year 2010. Through my eyes.

By the middle of January, it was clear. I was going to be let go from my job. The job for which hell is to tame a word to describe. After enduring 11 months at the hands of a hyperactive, abusive, micromanaging asshole of a boss, and working in the worst job I had ever experienced...the axe came down.

And I knew full well it was coming. I would drive the nearly 2 hours each way, every day. That combined with the work and the job itself...was killing me.

By the fall of the previous year, on the way home from work one day, I said aloud to myself in the car. "I am not going to make it".

My health was suffering. I had severe edema in both lower legs. The stress was over the top. And I decided to just let it all go. I filed for short term disability. Denied. Shortly after that, I was let go.

That was January.

Once I knew of my fate, I notified my landlord of the job loss, and that I would be vacating early, and moving in with my father. A place I had lived just 4 years earlier, when my ex wife threw me out of my home with a restraining order. I thought I was doing them a favor. I could have just not paid rent for a couple months and waited for the eviction notice.

Through the help of my father, I secured a mover. The same mover who had now moved me and my family 4 times previously. He and his company had moved me just 3 years before, to that very townhouse. Now, he was coming to pack me up, and move me to storage, and some things to my father's home.

The place was crowded to begin with. Once everything was packed, it was jammed. Hardly able to move. The things I had to move myself were exhausting. I was already spent from the months of hell preceding this.

I had to relinquish my independence. Yet again.

The day before the trucks came. A Nor'easter hit and dumped 26 inches of snow. We had to move after a blizzard. The roads were barely plowed. Getting things into and out of the trucks was a nightmare. A fitting end, apparently, to my short tenure as a single man, with my own home.

I moved on Valentine's day. A day that has lost any and all meaning to me to begin with. While others were snuggling up or going out with their sweethearts, I was watching yet another dream die. Alone. Box by box.

My mother had been gone a year now, by this time. Going back into that house was heart-wrenching. Instead of her greeting me and giving me a hug, I got to see a box with her ashes, and a photo of her on the mantle.

I had worked hard to get out of the situation I was in. I had been thrown out by a vengeful ex-wife who was in the midst of her second affair. After the divorce was final, and the house was on the market, we figured out a way to get me and my daughter into a townhouse of our own. It was not to last. Before I ended up moving back here, my daughter had moved back in with her mother and brother.

So, on February 15th, 2010, I woke up in the same bedroom in the upstairs loft of my parent's home, now occupied only by my father.

My two dogs came along. Thank goodness, my father was willing to tolerate them. I would have never been able to part with them. To this day, they are my faithful and loving (and silly) companions.

I had to give away the 3 Chinchillas. I adored them. But there was no way for them to come here. Thankfully, some very good friends took them, and they are doing wonderfully in their new home.

Every month, I would send out job applications. And hear nothing. Crickets.

I poured a ton of energy into my photography. Trying to make headway there, to see if there was something I could put together that might raise some income. While I got some incredible shots, I have made nothing in the way of income by doing so.

By August, we could no longer afford to pay for the storage facility. In it was all of my furniture.

So, we hired a friend to load a truck, and take all of my things to the lake cabin, and store them in the garage there.

Half of my life now sits in boxes in this house. And the other half sits in a frozen garage, in the woods of NY State.

I don't know if I will ever see or own a place where I can unpack.

Right now, I live cramped in a room, with far too much crap around, in a house owned by the king of hoarders. There is no room in this entire house. Just walking through it is a chore. And it is a huge house.

Thanksgiving had many bad memories for me. My ex made some terrible scenes in prior years, with my parents in attendance. Other times, my mother was too drunk to have the holiday, and I'd have to go out at the last minute to get something to eat for all of us.

So, this year, my dad was going with his new girlfriend to her kids' house in NY State. I decided to spend the day alone. My ex invited me to her house. I told her that I won't play "happy lets pretend we are a family" for the kids or her or anyone else. We are divorced. Years now. She has a boyfriend who practically lives there. I let the day pass. And I was happy when it was over.

Today is December 13th.

My dad sits in a hospital bed. Awaiting open heart surgery.

I sit here in the now familiar loft bedroom of his home.

My mom's voice sometimes echoes in my head.

My dad has been living at his girlfriend's house for many months now, and only comes by to feed the cats.

I have no job. And barely any hope of one.

I have 2 weeks left of unemployment.

The landlord? Fined me over 7000 dollars for early termination.

My bankruptcy petition has just been filed in federal court.

I have no one to hold, or to hold me.

And Christmas is coming.

And I do not care. At all.

Each year now, for the last 5 years, I have said that I hope the next year is a better one. A happier one.

I will not hope any longer. Because to do so is a pipe dream.

I need no one.

Nope, I don't.

I can exist and persevere without a soul here to be with me.

That doesn't mean I don't want someone by my side. I do.

But what I have found in this hellish life, is that is so fucking rare and nearly impossible as to be a pipe dream.

I am not a successful, handsome man, that attracts women.

I am one hard ass motherfucker, however. That nothing can defeat.

Except me. I can do that pretty readily.

Everyone wants something more than what I am. Or something different.

I have a life that now subsists on unemployment insurance, living in my father's home.

To most, that is a disgrace. A real turn off.

And I just don't give a fuck.

I didn't get here of my own doing.

But it is my life, as of now.

And who the hell knows what is to come.

One thing I have learned about loss.

When you lose the trappings of a life. When you lost the job, the home, the money. When you exist as a person for whom only their soul and their spirit survive.

Nobody wants you.

You are an "undesirable"

What the loss of material wealth and self sufficiency brings, is more loss.

Once you are no longer a person with a decent job, a stable life, and a future?

You may as well be dead to the rest of the world.

Okay, can any of you understand this?

Let's try, okay?

Here I am. I have nothing. No job, no assets, no savings. No money.

And guess what?

Do I care?

Nope.

I am doing what I love for the first time in 52 years. And each day I am out with my cameras, is a love the likes of which I cannot describe.

The smiles I have are bigger than any I have ever had.

I have met so many new friends. Wonderful people. There is fellowship among us.

Many have lost their jobs. Their marriages. Their lives. But we all get together. We laugh, from deep inside.

We revel in the shots we are able to get of the birds.

We talk with excitement of our most recent sightings and shots.

And we slowly forge bonds that are cemented deep within our souls.

The world around us tries to lay us low. But we will not relent. We WILL go out with our cameras. We will endure the bitter cold. And we will LOVE every minute of it.

So what if our life is crashing down around us?

So what if we have no money?

So what if we have no home of our own?

We have each other.

We have the birds.

We have the refuge.

And if we are to die standing there, camera in hand, we would be happy. We'd have met our end at a place and a time that we love.

And among friends.

Who understand.

The number of years we live does not matter.

It is better to perish now, doing what we love. Than to exist in misery for many more years, and end up in some nursing home, where they rob you blind, and you sit alone every day and night, unable to do anything at all.

When I die. I want to be among my photographer friends. Outside. Attempting to get that last great shot.

And I will die a happy man.

Even if I have not one dollar left to my name.

Lessons

When I was young, I dreamed of a life among nature. I wanted to be a park ranger, or an explorer, or a biologist, in the field. I would gaze at the heavens through a telescope. One I bought from Edmund Scientific. I saved 5 dollars per week mowing the neighbor's lawn, until I had the $115.00 for the 4.25 inch reflector.

I later bought a Nikkormat FT3 SLR, and took photos with it. Some through the telescope.

I loved nature. I loved to explore and learn.

When I got older, I decided that I needed to get a good paying job.

So I did.

Then I met someone, and I got married.

I worked hard at the good job, and was able to eventually afford to raise a family, and buy a home.

I did not like my job. But I was good at it.

Later on, when I was older, I was making more money. So, we got a better house. And again, I wanted to turn this beautiful home and property into something that was a celebration of nature.

I planted 10's of thousands of dollars worth of gorgeous trees. Thousands of bulbs. 200 different species of perennials. I had 5 different species of flowering Magnolia trees alone. A Koi pond. Beautiful paver walks and patios. I worked as hard as I could to make a nature preserve from my 1 acre lot. And to bring the outdoors in, in our gorgeous new home. I hung wind chimes. Bird feeders. It was heaven...or so I thought it would be.

It was all for nothing.

My heart knew to follow a path, but instead of doing so, I tried to compromise and create that path for myself. And I learned a terrible lesson.

I lost all of it. And in what seemed like a fraction of a second, it was all gone.

My love of nature and the outdoors, of wildlife and the birds, never waned.

What I should have done all along?

Was to follow all the signs I had when I was younger. And forsaken the good paying job. I should have followed my love and my passions.

I had the American dream. An attractive and sexy wife. 2 wonderful kids. A nice home, on a gorgeous lot. A great job with a Fortune 50 company.

And then. All at once.

It was gone.

And I learned.

The trappings of that life mean nothing. And they can be gone in an instant.

What I learned over the next few years, was that the most valuable things in this world are this.

The ones you love and those who love you.

And time.

Time to see. To hear. To feel. Time to learn. Time to slow down and take it all in.

Today I am working to see what path I need to take next. But it is finally understood.

I am not an IT guru who wants to work for some mega corporation.

I am a naturalist. An explorer. A photographer. An observer.

That is where I belong.

It took me over 35 years to realize.

The path I need to follow.

The rest of that world I leave behind was without meaning. It was simply a means toward an end in a world that has forgotten why we are here. And what it means to be part of the living world we share with those creatures that we deem less than we.

If we only knew.

I finally understand who I am, and why I am here.

My dad, the strongest man I ever knew.

Told me a few months ago.

"Son, if I had lived what you have gone through, I would be dead by now. I do not know how you do it"

This from a man who survived the Korean war, and years of dealing with a wife (my mom) who was a severe alcoholic.

My dad is in the hospital now, awaiting major cardiac surgery. '

He's tough. He's in good spirits.

But he is afraid.

Who wouldn't be?

Well, me for one.

I know now why everything that has happened in my life has come to pass.

It was to prepare me to be the rock.

To be the one person for whom NOTHING could lay him low. Nothing could cripple him.

I am so very hard. So very tough, that nothing on this Earth phases me any more.

Yet I still have a heart filled with love. A warm smile, and the best hugs on the planet.

God, in whatever form he exists, has granted me this strength, and this kind heart.

Thank you, God.

I am so blessed.

I have suffered so much. I have lost so much. I have hurt so badly.

But that was just for you to prepare me for who I needed to be.

A man with a kind and loving heart. Soft warm embraces. A keen mind and insight. Wisdom and knowledge.

So that I could be here to help others. Others who rely on me.

My dad.

My children.

My friends.

You knew that in order for me to become this person that I would have to endure terrible loss and heartache.

But that is only because you needed to cleanse me of all of the worldly desires, and aspirations. So that I could be someone better than what I was before.

For all my failings, all my faults.

And all the tribulations that I have endured.

Nothing.

Could kill my heart.

The Job Interview.

let me tell you a story. A story that seems very relevant now, as my dad sits in a hospital bed, awaiting major open heart surgery.

Back a couple years ago, after losing my job at the time, I had connections and a second interview lined up.

I was to meet with an old business associate now with Dell Computers, and his boss, at a restaurant in West Jersey.

It seemed like this would seal the deal. If I aced this, I was in.

The day before the interview.

My mother died.

I went to the interview. Tears in my eyes the entire time.

I aced it. I was awesome. Where I found the strength I have no idea.

I drove home. Tears streaming the whole way home.

I never got the job.

They froze hiring the next day, and then it was gone.

I pulled myself up and out, and managed to give my best, under the very worst of circumstances.

And I know now, that I was not meant to have that job.

I sit here tonight, after almost a year of being unemployed.

Suddenly, I have two contacts and leads for possible good jobs.

My dad needs a triple bypass and an oblation.

His surgery is any day now.

I worry about him.

I worry about me.

His future.

My future.

All hanging in the balance.

And under the worst of circumstances, I have to try to be at my best.

I have been tested. Over and over again.

And I am starting to wonder.

Is this the life I must lead? Must I do everything when things are at their worst?

I need to impress prospective employers of my competence and experience.

While my heart is in tatters, while my world falls apart. While the stress level reaches is maximum.

I am SO very tired of this struggle.

If something ever came easy to me, I would faint from the sheer shock of it.

Let me ask you.

Do you know what it feels like to lose all hope?

Do you know what it feels like to think that dying is preferable to living in hell?

Well, if you have no concept of what that feels like, just fucking ASK me.

I will tell you all about it.

Done

I have tried to keep my spirits up, and to persevere.

I can do wonderful things with a camera, but nobody gives a shit.

I have been told so many things.

Network. Make connections! Reach out. Apply for jobs. Surely, someone, somewhere will see your talent and your worth. Keep at it! Don't quit! Something great will happen!

No, it won't.

I have finally reached that point.

I quit. The words I thought would never cross my lips. I quit. I surrender. I give up.

Whatever the fuck is coming, will come. And I just don't care anymore.

Have I lost my heart?

My dad is in the hospital, awaiting major open heart surgery, and possibly other procedures.

And it does not phase me.

Yes, I love him. I care. But am I panicked? Nope. I am forlorn? Nope. Am I wringing my hands with worry. Nope.

Am I crying and worrying, losing sleep? Nope.

I just do whatever I need to.

Nothing phases me anymore. There is no crisis. No calamity. No situation so dire that I so much as skip a beat.

I just keep on doing what I have to. And it never seems to penetrate.

Have I become so fucking hard. So fucking cold. That I can NO longer feel?

There seems to be almost nothing that can touch my heart anymore.

Is this inner strength, or simply the inability to feel so deeply as to be moved emotionally beyond the superficial?

Is it that I have weathered so many horrific events and things out of my control, that I simply accept them as such?

My friends are all very concerned. They ask how I am doing. How am I holding up?

Answer: Fine. No different than any other day.

I can't help but feel as if that part of me is dead.

But if it is dead, it didn't die for lack of care.

It was murdered.

You don't see it...

But I am dying.

A little every day.

I hesitated in posting this, because it is, on the surface, so self serving.

But then again, this is my blog, isn't it?

I've spent many days wondering why the hell I even get up.

I have no signs of hope.

No job on the horizon. No money. No reserve. No future that is obvious to me.

No money, no means. No way to extricate myself from this hell.

My ex needs at least a couple grand a month from me in alimony to survive.

And I am obligated for life to her.

When my pension comes in 2.5 years, I give 45 percent to her.

I will not make it that long.

Yeah, I'm dying.

The body is still intact. I have no cancer. No heart disease.

But I am dying.

A little more.

Every day.

I don't know how long I can hold out.

I know that to go out with my cameras, and be among nature is the one bright spot in my life.

But the world doesn't care how much I love nature.

It doesn't care how wonderful my photographs are.

It only cares about one thing.

Money.

And how much of it I can give.

And I have nothing left to give.

The well is empty.

And each and every day, I wake up to this reality.

And I fucking hate it.

Everyone NEEDS something from me.

My ex wife.

My adult children.

My father.

News flash to you all.

Dues paid IN FULL.

This is my life.

And it's not looking good.

But, I will live it, in defiance of all of you who NEED me.

Because in that sucking vortex of NEED that you all live in, you forgot about someone.

Me.

You know, soon I will be gone.

And then, what will you say?

Will you then realize that you could have saved me?

Will you then come to the understanding? Something I already see so clearly?

Will you get it?

Will you lament your choices?

Will you finally.

Understand?

I hope so.

I have suffered enough.

This is my life, god fucking damn it.

And I am going to live with all I have, until I breathe my last.

And yes, it is selfish.

Because I have given all I intend to ever give.

Now, it's MY time.

So, suck it down. Deal with it.

There is nothing you can do to change that.

Because I am free.

And I earned my passage.

I don't live FOR you.

I live for me.

And I have done all I can, for YOU.

Now, you can either do for me.

Or watch me die.

And I am here, still waiting....

Today I pack up my photos, for show and sale, to attend a wonderful event at the Lighthouse Center (The Natural Resource Education Foundation of New Jersey) in Waretown, NJ.

I spent yesterday and early this morning, printing.

I also spent yesterday waiting for word on my father's condition. He is in Deborah hospital, with heart issues.

To say this life has been filled with strange and sudden twists and turns is such a gross understatement.

I hold on.

I hold on to the birds. To my photography. To my love of nature. And my dreams.

This world has become so strange to me that I cannot describe.

5 years ago, I lost my marriage. My wife. My intact family. My house. And everything else.

I have been wandering this world for the last years wondering just where the hell I am going.

And you know, I don't know. I truly don't.

My mother's ashes sit on the mantle in the home I now live in.

My father sits in a hospital bed.

My ex wife prepares for Christmas at her house, with our children, and her boyfriend.

I have not been able to fully wrap my head around all of this.

I used to be someone that thought that I could have power over my destiny and my future.

That to persevere, to work harder, to try harder, meant I stood a better chance at "success".

Whatever the hell that means.

Now, all I can do is surrender.

Whatever comes, will come.

And I have no power over it.

I'm holding on.

With a broken heart.

That's still beating.

The Mirror.

I get up every morning, unable to fool myself.

I used to dye my hair, and my mustache and beard. Until I became allergic to hair dye products.

So I let it go gray.

I used to be heavier, and I also used to work out all the time.

I lost weight, which is good for me. Down 45 lbs. But I also lost muscle tone and mass in the process.

I see these huge bags under my eyes. New wrinkles. Gray hair.

And I feel my age.

And I can see the miles.

The mirror does not lie.

I am trying hard to embrace this part of my life.

But what I mostly see?

That I am aging. That I am old.

My mind is sharp, and I can still get around with the cameras like a young man.

Climbing the jetty at Barnegat Light, getting up early and spending 13 or more hours in the field.

But it's clear.

This world is for the young. The beautiful.

Neither of which am I.

Walk With Me.

Let me show you.

Let me take you there.

Let me show you the miracles of nature.

Come along.

Bring with you something to record your visit.

A camera, perhaps.

Walk with me.

Feel the air, and smell it. Inhale the scents of the pines and the water and the earth.

Watch the circle of life, right there in front of you.

Walk with me.

Take the time.

Let me show you.

Come with me.

And lets see the majesty and the magnificence of god's creation.

We'll touch the plants and the earth.

We'll watch the denizens of the forest and the marsh go about their unspoiled lives.

We'll soak it all in.

And learn what it means to be alive.

Walk with me.

It's 1:08 PM, Wednesday, December 1, 2010

And the wind howls. The rain beats upon my window.

My camera batteries are charging.

Tomorrow, the forecast for Conowingo, MD is sunny.

There are Bald Eagles there.

Waiting for my lens to focus upon, and my camera to capture.

My heart will beat faster.

My eyes will be keen.

I will feel alive.

This is what I live for.

The possibilities. The beauty. The majesty.

Of nature.

To reveal herself to me.

May my sight be keen, and my reflexes quick.

There is no greater love for me.

This is what I was born to do.