My dad is in the hospital, awaiting major open heart surgery, and possibly other procedures.
And it does not phase me.
Yes, I love him. I care. But am I panicked? Nope. I am forlorn? Nope. Am I wringing my hands with worry. Nope.
Am I crying and worrying, losing sleep? Nope.
I just do whatever I need to.
Nothing phases me anymore. There is no crisis. No calamity. No situation so dire that I so much as skip a beat.
I just keep on doing what I have to. And it never seems to penetrate.
Have I become so fucking hard. So fucking cold. That I can NO longer feel?
There seems to be almost nothing that can touch my heart anymore.
Is this inner strength, or simply the inability to feel so deeply as to be moved emotionally beyond the superficial?
Is it that I have weathered so many horrific events and things out of my control, that I simply accept them as such?
My friends are all very concerned. They ask how I am doing. How am I holding up?
Answer: Fine. No different than any other day.
I can't help but feel as if that part of me is dead.
But if it is dead, it didn't die for lack of care.
It was murdered.
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My ex wife sent me an email. In it she said that she "is here for me". During this time. And how much she loves my dad, and thinks of him as a father.
ReplyDeleteOh, is that ever the pinnacle of irony.
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't fucking BE HERE in this hell.
Yeah, she is there for me.
For what?
To drive the last nail in my fucking coffin?
No thanks. I can do that myself.
It tears me to see this all, all the despair and hopelessness, yet I understand, but I don't want to see you die, you are worth for staying alive and that cannot be said of some, of some assholes who even commited serious crimes and got away with it or their criminal past has cleared and they get away because of money and because of influence, I am sick of that and I keep bumping to such people and it does happen, only not a lot know about it, yet the fate doesn't get them, yet..for all what they've done.
ReplyDeleteI feel old myself, even if I am not physically old, but I do have signs of oldness which is unhealthy given I am only in my twenties. But then again I am very unhealthy and it is like if some force tried to kill me sometimes and I think you have that feeling as well. Yet there is future, very vague and I am on a path where I need to decide, but it is not easy and many things stand in my way. But there is hope...with you it seems as there isn't any hope anymore...you need someone to bring you back up and support you as much as needed perhaps. I understand it is very hard and that you don't have energy to...to not give up, but sigh, I don't know what else to say, only that I feel really saddened and I don't want to hear the news that someone found you dead or something like that.
Even if you don't realize it, you were and are part of a history and you did have some great impact on things. You worked on some games I got to admire and all the things...when I contacted you first time years back I never thought that you would be in such a deep shit, I always thought that the popular or once popular level designers should have a lot of money or have this star aroogant syndrome, thanks to you I found out it wasn't true.
Thank, you, Leo.
ReplyDeleteI want to live, but I am losing hope. I have weathered so many storms, and carried so many burdens, that I am growing weak.
And I am losing the ability to care.
There is only so much I can do to convince myself that living for others makes me valuable, or can somehow bring me joy.
Sure I love my kids. I love my friends and family.
But they cannot save me.
I don't even know anymore what can.
I keep getting up, and getting out there. I keep doing what I love. And I will do so. Until I simply can't do it anymore.
The forces of this world. The need for huge sums of money. The government. The courts. My ex wife. And all those who require PAYMENT from me.
And I have nothing to give. No ray of hope on the horizon. No job. No future.
These have been the hardest days of my life.
I sit here alone in this house, surrounded by clutter and filth. Boxes filled with what remains of my life, unable even to be unpacked.
I cannot stand this life. It needs to change. And everything I have done to try to change it, to find a way out, has met with failure.
I loved the games industry, Leo. I enjoyed being a part of it. But my life took a turn for the worst just when I needed the most support and encouragement. Instead, I had an ex-wife who wanted to eviscerate me. Who made my life a living hell.
I bombed out of that industry due to stress and depression brought on by those circumstances. And the fallout would continue for years. Eventually costing me everything I had.
To add to this.
ReplyDeleteI am bitter. Very.
I gave all I had. To more than one woman. I fell in love. I gave all I had.
It wasn't what they wanted. It wasn't what they needed.
Or they were so fucked up that I realized things could never work.
And every single fucking one of them found happiness with someone else.
Yeah, I am bitter. Angry. Filled with a rage that few can comprehend.
I balance my disappointment and my hurt by seeking out the magnificence of nature with my cameras.
But make no mistake.
I am a man on fire.
I have a raging pain and fire in my heart that would overwhelm just about anything or anyone. Such pain and disappointment. Such loneliness and longing. So many shattered dreams.
I am cynical, bitter and withdrawn.
I keep holding out for a loving hand to touch me. For someone to come along and love me, cherish me, and want me for their own.
And I know.
Without a doubt.
That day will never come.