You don't see it...

But I am dying.

A little every day.

I hesitated in posting this, because it is, on the surface, so self serving.

But then again, this is my blog, isn't it?

I've spent many days wondering why the hell I even get up.

I have no signs of hope.

No job on the horizon. No money. No reserve. No future that is obvious to me.

No money, no means. No way to extricate myself from this hell.

My ex needs at least a couple grand a month from me in alimony to survive.

And I am obligated for life to her.

When my pension comes in 2.5 years, I give 45 percent to her.

I will not make it that long.

Yeah, I'm dying.

The body is still intact. I have no cancer. No heart disease.

But I am dying.

A little more.

Every day.

I don't know how long I can hold out.

I know that to go out with my cameras, and be among nature is the one bright spot in my life.

But the world doesn't care how much I love nature.

It doesn't care how wonderful my photographs are.

It only cares about one thing.

Money.

And how much of it I can give.

And I have nothing left to give.

The well is empty.

And each and every day, I wake up to this reality.

And I fucking hate it.

Everyone NEEDS something from me.

My ex wife.

My adult children.

My father.

News flash to you all.

Dues paid IN FULL.

This is my life.

And it's not looking good.

But, I will live it, in defiance of all of you who NEED me.

Because in that sucking vortex of NEED that you all live in, you forgot about someone.

Me.

You know, soon I will be gone.

And then, what will you say?

Will you then realize that you could have saved me?

Will you then come to the understanding? Something I already see so clearly?

Will you get it?

Will you lament your choices?

Will you finally.

Understand?

I hope so.

I have suffered enough.

This is my life, god fucking damn it.

And I am going to live with all I have, until I breathe my last.

And yes, it is selfish.

Because I have given all I intend to ever give.

Now, it's MY time.

So, suck it down. Deal with it.

There is nothing you can do to change that.

Because I am free.

And I earned my passage.

I don't live FOR you.

I live for me.

And I have done all I can, for YOU.

Now, you can either do for me.

Or watch me die.