Mixed emotions.

Christmas is just 2 days away.

And my emotions are all over the place.

For me, Christmas has been a time of great pain and loss over the last few years. I now associate it with broken dreams, failed romances. Broken family. The loss of my mother. And the loss of all my worldly possessions and of my home.

I see others smiling and happy. Together with their partners and those they love.

Festive. Parties. Presents. A warm fire. A nice home.

And it just points out even more to me, how far I have fallen. How much I have lost.

I would love to trade places. But I dare not wish my fate on any of the friends I love.

I am strong enough to survive this.

Not so sure many of my friends could.

And I would not wish it on them.

I don't resent them, or their happiness. I am happy to see my friends happy and enjoying their life.

But I also see myself, and by comparison, my life...

Is so much less than what I wish it were.

I no longer celebrate this holiday. I no longer observe it. Nor will I, probably ever.

You reach a point where the memories of Christmas past become those that overshadow any pretense of what they could have, or should have been.

I am very content to just look at this as another day.

The buildup to this holiday is over the top. The music of the season on every radio station, in the malls, at the gas station!, and just about everywhere. The lights are out on every home. On the street light poles in town. It's over the top, and it's everywhere.

I read stories from people about the thousands of dollars they are spending on gifts, and just shake my head.

I used to be like that. My ex and I used to spend insane amounts on the kids, on gifts.

I have a very different perspective now.

All of that?

Means absolutely nothing.

Being in the position where I can barely afford to give anyone anything has depressed me. I don't want to spend thousands on worthless junk. But I did want to be able to just give something to those I care about. I can't.

Like I said, the emotions are mixed.

Part of me feels like I am "missing out".

The other part feels that it was never really meaningful anyway. It was all superficial.

I'm not a Christian. I'm not an atheist, either.

So, I look at this through a very peculiar set of eyes.

What is left wanting in me is the love and closeness of a partner and of family, together. To be with someone I love and who loves me, and to have my family and children close.

Not because I want to celebrate a religious (and commercial) holiday.

But just that at this time of year, the lack of it seems especially acute.