I am a nature photographer.

Yep, that is what I am. And a writer. And maybe even, a teacher.

I have SO much to offer.

So, where are you?

You have an untapped resource here, that could provide you with incredible photos of the birds and other wildlife.

A man of passion and intelligence, who could teach and inspire.

Is there anyone in this world, who will believe in me, and give me that shot?

They say it's all up to us to find our way, to chart the course. To network, make friends, get the "in" so we can find productive work.

But you know, sometimes you just need a fucking helping hand.

So, anyone out there want to give me a shot?

Go for it. You won't be sorry.

You'll have the most kick-ass, motivated, talented person you could have ever imagined, who loves what he does almost more than life itself.

I've got it all. Energy, talent, ability. Experience. Business savvy. Professional experience. Mentoring. Management experience. Incredible intelligence. And a host of skills so many would be envious of.

Try me.

Trying to follow the path...

A good friend has helped me to see and understand. That the universe, the forces around us, try to show us things. That there is a path we can choose and take, that will lead to happiness and peace in our lives. That it is possible. But sometimes the lessons are to be learned the hard way. Sometimes the way is not clear. Not easy to understand.

I know this.

In my heart, what has always brought me joy was being part of the natural world. Exploring. Learning. Observing. Now, using my cameras, to capture the scenes, the animals, the wildlife that is so captivating to me.

I know also, that being at our lake cabin in the woods and mountains of NY State brings me great peace and joy. I feel as if I belong there.

But this world seemingly, and to this point, has little use for the likes of me.

In order to survive, I need income. A good salary. To meet obligations to my ex wife (alimony) and to be able to afford a place to live.

As of yet, I am unable to see how doing what I love can get me there. But I haven't given up.

I have 2 job interviews next week for positions in my old field. Information Technology.

I worked in that field for 30 years.

I don't enjoy it. I don't even care about it. It brings me no joy. And I could hardly care less. It is just a job. A means toward an end. But it would take all of my time. And my photography, and my joy, would soon disappear.

So I face these apparent choices.

Try like hell to get one of those good jobs. Make money. Afford a place to live.

And give up what I love, what brings me peace and joy. Give up the time at the cabin at the lake.

What a choice.

Sometimes.

You just have to go for it.

Tonight, I decide that I am.

Enough of waiting around to see what happens.

Sometimes, you have to just go for what you want.

And I am. :)

Broken.

Lyrics by Lifehouse:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

It just keeps getting better.

Well, I have 2 possible job opportunities. That's wonderful.

I have an in person interview on Monday. That's 2 days after Christmas.

We are due to get a snowstorm starting Christmas day, and lasting through Monday morning.

So, I went out today, to get a nice suit for my interview. I need one. I have no clothes left, and the last suit I had is in tatters.

So, I called Frank's Big and Tall. I need a place like this because my sizes aren't available at your run of the mill department store. They were great...they said they could have the pants hemmed and get me in a suit today if I could get to the store early.

So, I drove to the store.

And it was boarded up and closed.

I called them.

The nearest store was 40 miles north of where I was.

No time left. They were closing early.

So, I turned around and went to a local department store. No luck. Jackets that fit, but pants sized for little boys.

I gave up.

This is the story of my life. Nothing comes easy. Nothing happens without extreme effort, or travail. It's like I live to jump over obstacles and climb walls.

It's Christmas eve.

And through the magic of the internet, and FaceBook, I read of my friends and their preparations for Christmas. Mostly joyous, festive, wonderful posts. Baking cookies. Making things for tomorrow's big dinner. Welcoming family to their home. Celebrating the joy of their lives. Their children. Their husband. Their wife. Their new love. The beautiful tree. The lights!

And it's all so wonderful.

For them.

Tonight I sit in this shit hole of a house. My dad's house. The king of hoarders, there is more crap in here than a dozen workers could empty into a 5 ton dumpster in 3 days of solid work.

It's quiet. And it is alone.

And I grow bitter and resentful.

I could make a great Ebenezer Scrooge.

I have a bottle of gin and nice cold tonic water, and all the ice I could need.

So, I sit, and I drink.

And I self medicate.

The way my mother did.

She couldn't stand the pain of her life. Of her marriage. Of the conditions she was in.

She didn't drink because she was a hopeless alcoholic with an addiction problem.

She drank because she gave up. Because to do so was the one thing nobody in her life could control. And because it numbed the pain.

I finally understand her. And why she did what she did. And how sorrowful that was.

She was a woman of incredible talent, intelligence, compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

Driven to her knees by circumstances that crushed her spirit.

Much like this life I now lead, is trying to do to me.

My brother recently came to visit. And he and I agreed. Mom (her ashes) need to be at the cabin and the lake. Currently they sit alone on a mantle in this fucking shit hole of a house surrounded by photos of her, and garbage. She deserves better than that.

So, I will be taking her to the lake this Spring. And I don't care what my father says about that. He may have been her husband...but she gave birth to me and to my brothers. And that gives us the right. She is my blood. And she will be at the cabin. The place she loved more than anything. So help me, God.

Tonight I sit here again at this "wonderful time of year" totally disgusted.

I reach back, and try hard to feel the joy of what my friends and loved ones are enjoying. And wishing them well. Because I truly want them to be happy.

But I yearn for December 26th. When all of the pretense of this holiday are OVER.

I am tired of being reminded that I have no wife, no woman who loves me, no family with me, no job, and no money, no home and no future.

Just damned tired.

And the rage builds.

Sadness and loss turns to anger.

Because I have only two choices. I can sit here and wallow and give up. I can cry and say woe is me. Or I can rage inside at the injustice of it all. And I can build a fire inside, fueled by a deep hatred of the forces and people who have made me suffer.

I choose to strike the match, and light the flame.

And so help me. I will burn this misery to the ground. And nobody will stand in my way.

I have had ALL I will ever take.

ALL.

It's my life. And it may be fucking miserable to the end. But I will not allow anyone to chart that course but me.

I'm angry. I'm tired of sucking it down. I'm tired of losing.

I'm tired of hurting.

Done. Time to kick some ass. And I don't even care about taking the names.

Although I know better...

There are times when I want to say I have had enough.

Where I want to wave the white flag and just surrender.

Throw in the towel.

I am so exhausted.

So drained from this struggle. So forlorn with my circumstances.

Many tell me that the best is yet to come.

That "next year" will be the year.

They have been telling me this for 5 years now.

And each year is worse than the last.

Forgive me, for self indulgence.

But I hate this life.

More than you can imagine.

Every day is filled with raw emotion. Filled with the pain of loss and of loneliness.

I got up this morning and looked in the mirror. Huge bags under my eyes. Wrinkles everywhere. My hair and beard fully gray...now that I am allergic to hair dye, I can't even fool myself.

I look like nine miles of bad road, and like I've been through a fucking war.

And I live in a house full of utter shit that I cannot possibly clean out by myself.

And hell, it isn't even my house. It's my father's.

Of course he doesn't live here any more.

He left me here, to go live with his girlfriend.

So, it's just me, a couple dozen boxes still sealed, sitting in the living and dining room, and even on the stairs, with the last remnants of my life inside of them. Still packed.

And the furniture and other belongings from my past life, sit in a frozen garage at the lake cabin.

I am just existing here.

Month after month. Year after endless year.

I keep trying to work a way out of this. To find good employment, and to somehow make enough money to pay my ex wife her alimony every month, and to afford a place to live.

I have determined that it is all but impossible.

I have a very small ray of hope left. But it's fading.

My photography is great. I do wonderful work.

And who cares?

Nobody.

Nobody willing to hire me or pay me for that skill, to the point where I could survive.

I've got the towel in my hand.

I am ready to throw it in the ring.

I hate this life.

More than anything I could ever express.

I cannot stand the pain, the loneliness, and the hopelessness.

I exist.

I persevere.

And I do it because others rely on me.

My kids for instance.

But that brings me no solace, and no comfort.

And almost no hope.

I hate this life.

And those who helped to put me here.

Because I could have been so much more.

Mixed emotions.

Christmas is just 2 days away.

And my emotions are all over the place.

For me, Christmas has been a time of great pain and loss over the last few years. I now associate it with broken dreams, failed romances. Broken family. The loss of my mother. And the loss of all my worldly possessions and of my home.

I see others smiling and happy. Together with their partners and those they love.

Festive. Parties. Presents. A warm fire. A nice home.

And it just points out even more to me, how far I have fallen. How much I have lost.

I would love to trade places. But I dare not wish my fate on any of the friends I love.

I am strong enough to survive this.

Not so sure many of my friends could.

And I would not wish it on them.

I don't resent them, or their happiness. I am happy to see my friends happy and enjoying their life.

But I also see myself, and by comparison, my life...

Is so much less than what I wish it were.

I no longer celebrate this holiday. I no longer observe it. Nor will I, probably ever.

You reach a point where the memories of Christmas past become those that overshadow any pretense of what they could have, or should have been.

I am very content to just look at this as another day.

The buildup to this holiday is over the top. The music of the season on every radio station, in the malls, at the gas station!, and just about everywhere. The lights are out on every home. On the street light poles in town. It's over the top, and it's everywhere.

I read stories from people about the thousands of dollars they are spending on gifts, and just shake my head.

I used to be like that. My ex and I used to spend insane amounts on the kids, on gifts.

I have a very different perspective now.

All of that?

Means absolutely nothing.

Being in the position where I can barely afford to give anyone anything has depressed me. I don't want to spend thousands on worthless junk. But I did want to be able to just give something to those I care about. I can't.

Like I said, the emotions are mixed.

Part of me feels like I am "missing out".

The other part feels that it was never really meaningful anyway. It was all superficial.

I'm not a Christian. I'm not an atheist, either.

So, I look at this through a very peculiar set of eyes.

What is left wanting in me is the love and closeness of a partner and of family, together. To be with someone I love and who loves me, and to have my family and children close.

Not because I want to celebrate a religious (and commercial) holiday.

But just that at this time of year, the lack of it seems especially acute.

Shining the light of day on cruelty and viciousness

This was sent to a friend of mine. A former member of the infidelity board we both belonged to. The message came from the administrators of that site. And I quote:

"Your scorned BW side is coming out. It never takes long with you, does it? Your envy over solid, happy marriages is very apparent. It’s sad that you’ll never experience it."

For a site that preaches forgiveness and reconciliation as the hallmarks of their support network, that comment reveals a lot, doesn't it?

Disgusting, disgraceful, hateful, vicious, and designed to be hurtful.

When you chance upon me.

Be kind.

Be gentle in your ways.

Do not confront me.

Don't raise your hand, or your voice.

Because I have had all of that I will ever endure.

My heart is soft, and my spirit open.

My emotions are often on my sleeve.

My words and the photographs I take, tell the story of who I am, what I feel, what I experience, and what I have lived. They show you my dreams, my sorrows.

So, when you by chance meet me.

When you want to talk with me. Or ask something of me.

Be kind.

Be gentle.

Or be forewarned.

In my dreams...

I wake up, at the lake.

She is with me.

The woman I love.

We...the two of us and our dogs, are anxious to start the day.

It looks to be a good one.

Lets make sure those camera batteries are charged!

Oh, and breakfast....

The most incredible omelettes. Asparagus, Cheddar Cheese, Onions. A thick delicious toast spread with Maple Cream from a local grower.

It's going to be a good day.

It took over 50 years to get here. We can celebrate life now. We can celebrate nature.

The birds.

The Butterflies.

The dragonflies.

The aroma of those incredible pines.

We will greet the new day. The birds are already all over the many feeders we have.

The lake is covered with a fine mist and gentle fog. Ready to relent in favor of a rising sun.

And we are ready to go.

What will we see today? What wonderful new things?

And when we come home...a hot lunch of soup and sandwiches. And maybe we'll steal a few Peanut M&M's from the bowl on the kitchen table.

Then, we will head out again. To see what we can see. To capture what we can, with our cameras and lenses. And share those sights with our friends, and the rest of the world.

And as they day winds down. We'll light a fire in the fireplace. We'll bask in the warmth, and the glow and the light.

Then we'll head to bed. To make love. To hold each other close. To tell each other how much we love each other. How wonderful it is.

In my dreams.

And only there.

This is my future.

You Are The Result Of Yourself.

Don't blame anyone, never complain of anyone or anything
Because basically you have made of your life what you wanted.
Accept the difficulties of edifying yourself
...And the worth of starting to correct your character.
The triumph of the true man arises from the ashes of his mistakes.
Never complain of your loneliness or your luck.
Face it with courage and accept it.
Somehow, they are the result of your acts and
It shows that you'll always win.
Don't feel frustrated of your own failures, neither unload them to someone else.
Accept yourself now or you'll go on justifying yourself like a child.
Remember that any time is good to start
And that no time is so good to give up.
Don't forget that the cause of your present is your past,
As the cause of your future will be your present.
Learn from the brave, from the strong,
From who doesn't accept situations
From who will live in spite of everything.
Think less of your problems and more of your work.
Learn to arise from your pain,
And to be greater than the greatest of your obstacles.
Look at the mirror of yourself and you'll be free and strong
And you'll stop being a puppet of circumstances.
For you yourself are your destiny.
Wake up and stare at the sun in the mornings and breathe the sun of dawn.
You're part of the strength of your life now,
Rise up, fight, walk, be sure and you'll win in life.
Don't ever think of 'fate'
For fate is the excuse of failures.

This Christmas Morning.

I will wake at 4:15.

There is no tree. There are no presents. There is no wife. There are no kids here. They are at their mother's house. And they will have a morning that she has planned.

My father will be fast asleep at his girlfriend's house.

My mother, gone now almost 2 years, will be with me in spirit.

As I sling the camera over my shoulder.

And head to the last home I have.

The refuge.

I will head out Christmas day, with my 1999 Dodge Ram as my trusty steed, and head to Forsythe.

To see what nature has to offer me this day.

And I will be blessed.

And I will be home.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends. May this day be a wonderful one for you.

For me, it will be one where the birds are my family. The sun and the sky my companion.

I will be home.

A place I have longed for, forever.

Sometimes, you only need a few words.

My dad, from his hospital bed. To me, on the phone. After open heart surgery:

"Son, I am so happy to be here talking with you right now".

Yeah, dad. Me too. :)

Defiance

My former username, on a board I used to belong to. For over 5 years.

And so fitting. Because I just never quit. And as hard as things get, I will never relent.

At times, just so I can show all the assholes who doubted me in my life can suck it down.

For all of my life. I did what I could in my chosen field, which was IT.

Supercomputing and Scientific Computing, to be exact.

And all during that time, my skills. My ability. Were always overshadowed by my superiors.

Most of them feared me. Because they knew that I was sharper than they were. Able to speak better than they were. Able to write, better than they.

I was an imposing figure. Large of stature, confident, intelligent, sharp, and very well spoken.

They HATED that.

So now, I am a nature photographer. I work with all I have to get the best shots I possibly can.

And my work speaks for itself.

And now, nobody can stand over me and keep me down. They can't say I am not a great performer. They can't stop me from showing what I can do.

My photos speak for themselves.

So, to all of you bosses, superiors, and other insecure assholes who kept me down, all those years.

Fucking SUCK IT DOWN.

Because even if I never make another dime. I have shown what I am capable of. And there is nothing on this Earth you can do to stop me.

Yeah, I am bragging.

In your face, motherfuckers.

You pretenders. With no real talent, just a line of bullshit and a brown nose. You made your way by sucking up.

I made my way by using my talents and ability.

Something you will never have.

I know that I can kick all ass as a photographer. Because I am doing what I love, with an intense passion you will never understand.

You want a paycheck and a life with a great house, a great car, and a wife with DD boobs at your beck and call.

And I want to know what it means to realize my potential. To do what I love. To connect with nature and to show the world what I see, what I feel, and what I experience.

And with any luck at all, to inspire others to do the same.

So, enjoy your nice home, your sexy wife, and the comforts you hold dear.

And I will fight the bitter cold, the wind, and the rain and snow.

To show people what it really means.

To live.

Fumbling for the words...

My dad survived his heart surgery and is recovering in ICU.

I have no idea how. Or why. I am still here.

I have had SO much to deal with, that there must be someone or something else holding me up.

I cannot even describe how much I have had to endure. Emotionally and otherwise.

Today was the longest day of my life.

I am fighting with all I have to celebrate this life. To be grateful for what I have.

And as of tonight, I still have my dad.

The man who tossed a baseball with me after work, every night in the summer.

40 years ago.

I love you dad.

Thank you for not leaving me here alone. :(

Love,

Your son.

Test me.

Yeah, go for it.

Is there nothing that I won't have to try to deal with? I sometimes wonder.

While i waver and sometimes flail under the strain, I keep having to rally whatever the hell is inside of me to deal with all sorts of stress. Usually all at once.

Tonight, I visited my dad, who goes for a life-saving quadruple bypass open heart procedure. Tomorrow.

At the same time, I was called upon by my incredible and wonderful daughter, because she needed support and someone to listen to her. There had been an emotional and difficult issue at home with her mom and her brother. And she wanted someone there to just listen to her.

So, I dug down deep and found that reserve. To listen, to care, to advise when I thought it was a good idea.

I am sitting here tonight, dealing with an almost overwhelming sense of emotion, and so little power.

I can do nothing to help my dad. But I love him and worry about him.

I can do some to help my daughter, but her life is in her hands. She is a young woman. An adult. I try to be what I can for her.

My unemployment runs out next week.

There is no job.

There is no more money.

The stress is overwhelming.

I have no idea what I am going to do. Or how I will survive. Or what will come.

I sit here tonight completely at the mercy of the fates. Of god, in whatever form.

Helpless, powerless and alone.

I am hanging on by a thread.

But, make no mistake. I am still holding on.

Whatever comes will come. And I am powerless to stop it.

The Year In Pictures.

Lots of people do these. I used to.

This year, the pictures are going to be from my mind's eye. While I envision them, I will write about them.

This was the year 2010. Through my eyes.

By the middle of January, it was clear. I was going to be let go from my job. The job for which hell is to tame a word to describe. After enduring 11 months at the hands of a hyperactive, abusive, micromanaging asshole of a boss, and working in the worst job I had ever experienced...the axe came down.

And I knew full well it was coming. I would drive the nearly 2 hours each way, every day. That combined with the work and the job itself...was killing me.

By the fall of the previous year, on the way home from work one day, I said aloud to myself in the car. "I am not going to make it".

My health was suffering. I had severe edema in both lower legs. The stress was over the top. And I decided to just let it all go. I filed for short term disability. Denied. Shortly after that, I was let go.

That was January.

Once I knew of my fate, I notified my landlord of the job loss, and that I would be vacating early, and moving in with my father. A place I had lived just 4 years earlier, when my ex wife threw me out of my home with a restraining order. I thought I was doing them a favor. I could have just not paid rent for a couple months and waited for the eviction notice.

Through the help of my father, I secured a mover. The same mover who had now moved me and my family 4 times previously. He and his company had moved me just 3 years before, to that very townhouse. Now, he was coming to pack me up, and move me to storage, and some things to my father's home.

The place was crowded to begin with. Once everything was packed, it was jammed. Hardly able to move. The things I had to move myself were exhausting. I was already spent from the months of hell preceding this.

I had to relinquish my independence. Yet again.

The day before the trucks came. A Nor'easter hit and dumped 26 inches of snow. We had to move after a blizzard. The roads were barely plowed. Getting things into and out of the trucks was a nightmare. A fitting end, apparently, to my short tenure as a single man, with my own home.

I moved on Valentine's day. A day that has lost any and all meaning to me to begin with. While others were snuggling up or going out with their sweethearts, I was watching yet another dream die. Alone. Box by box.

My mother had been gone a year now, by this time. Going back into that house was heart-wrenching. Instead of her greeting me and giving me a hug, I got to see a box with her ashes, and a photo of her on the mantle.

I had worked hard to get out of the situation I was in. I had been thrown out by a vengeful ex-wife who was in the midst of her second affair. After the divorce was final, and the house was on the market, we figured out a way to get me and my daughter into a townhouse of our own. It was not to last. Before I ended up moving back here, my daughter had moved back in with her mother and brother.

So, on February 15th, 2010, I woke up in the same bedroom in the upstairs loft of my parent's home, now occupied only by my father.

My two dogs came along. Thank goodness, my father was willing to tolerate them. I would have never been able to part with them. To this day, they are my faithful and loving (and silly) companions.

I had to give away the 3 Chinchillas. I adored them. But there was no way for them to come here. Thankfully, some very good friends took them, and they are doing wonderfully in their new home.

Every month, I would send out job applications. And hear nothing. Crickets.

I poured a ton of energy into my photography. Trying to make headway there, to see if there was something I could put together that might raise some income. While I got some incredible shots, I have made nothing in the way of income by doing so.

By August, we could no longer afford to pay for the storage facility. In it was all of my furniture.

So, we hired a friend to load a truck, and take all of my things to the lake cabin, and store them in the garage there.

Half of my life now sits in boxes in this house. And the other half sits in a frozen garage, in the woods of NY State.

I don't know if I will ever see or own a place where I can unpack.

Right now, I live cramped in a room, with far too much crap around, in a house owned by the king of hoarders. There is no room in this entire house. Just walking through it is a chore. And it is a huge house.

Thanksgiving had many bad memories for me. My ex made some terrible scenes in prior years, with my parents in attendance. Other times, my mother was too drunk to have the holiday, and I'd have to go out at the last minute to get something to eat for all of us.

So, this year, my dad was going with his new girlfriend to her kids' house in NY State. I decided to spend the day alone. My ex invited me to her house. I told her that I won't play "happy lets pretend we are a family" for the kids or her or anyone else. We are divorced. Years now. She has a boyfriend who practically lives there. I let the day pass. And I was happy when it was over.

Today is December 13th.

My dad sits in a hospital bed. Awaiting open heart surgery.

I sit here in the now familiar loft bedroom of his home.

My mom's voice sometimes echoes in my head.

My dad has been living at his girlfriend's house for many months now, and only comes by to feed the cats.

I have no job. And barely any hope of one.

I have 2 weeks left of unemployment.

The landlord? Fined me over 7000 dollars for early termination.

My bankruptcy petition has just been filed in federal court.

I have no one to hold, or to hold me.

And Christmas is coming.

And I do not care. At all.

Each year now, for the last 5 years, I have said that I hope the next year is a better one. A happier one.

I will not hope any longer. Because to do so is a pipe dream.

I need no one.

Nope, I don't.

I can exist and persevere without a soul here to be with me.

That doesn't mean I don't want someone by my side. I do.

But what I have found in this hellish life, is that is so fucking rare and nearly impossible as to be a pipe dream.

I am not a successful, handsome man, that attracts women.

I am one hard ass motherfucker, however. That nothing can defeat.

Except me. I can do that pretty readily.

Everyone wants something more than what I am. Or something different.

I have a life that now subsists on unemployment insurance, living in my father's home.

To most, that is a disgrace. A real turn off.

And I just don't give a fuck.

I didn't get here of my own doing.

But it is my life, as of now.

And who the hell knows what is to come.

One thing I have learned about loss.

When you lose the trappings of a life. When you lost the job, the home, the money. When you exist as a person for whom only their soul and their spirit survive.

Nobody wants you.

You are an "undesirable"

What the loss of material wealth and self sufficiency brings, is more loss.

Once you are no longer a person with a decent job, a stable life, and a future?

You may as well be dead to the rest of the world.

Okay, can any of you understand this?

Let's try, okay?

Here I am. I have nothing. No job, no assets, no savings. No money.

And guess what?

Do I care?

Nope.

I am doing what I love for the first time in 52 years. And each day I am out with my cameras, is a love the likes of which I cannot describe.

The smiles I have are bigger than any I have ever had.

I have met so many new friends. Wonderful people. There is fellowship among us.

Many have lost their jobs. Their marriages. Their lives. But we all get together. We laugh, from deep inside.

We revel in the shots we are able to get of the birds.

We talk with excitement of our most recent sightings and shots.

And we slowly forge bonds that are cemented deep within our souls.

The world around us tries to lay us low. But we will not relent. We WILL go out with our cameras. We will endure the bitter cold. And we will LOVE every minute of it.

So what if our life is crashing down around us?

So what if we have no money?

So what if we have no home of our own?

We have each other.

We have the birds.

We have the refuge.

And if we are to die standing there, camera in hand, we would be happy. We'd have met our end at a place and a time that we love.

And among friends.

Who understand.

The number of years we live does not matter.

It is better to perish now, doing what we love. Than to exist in misery for many more years, and end up in some nursing home, where they rob you blind, and you sit alone every day and night, unable to do anything at all.

When I die. I want to be among my photographer friends. Outside. Attempting to get that last great shot.

And I will die a happy man.

Even if I have not one dollar left to my name.

Lessons

When I was young, I dreamed of a life among nature. I wanted to be a park ranger, or an explorer, or a biologist, in the field. I would gaze at the heavens through a telescope. One I bought from Edmund Scientific. I saved 5 dollars per week mowing the neighbor's lawn, until I had the $115.00 for the 4.25 inch reflector.

I later bought a Nikkormat FT3 SLR, and took photos with it. Some through the telescope.

I loved nature. I loved to explore and learn.

When I got older, I decided that I needed to get a good paying job.

So I did.

Then I met someone, and I got married.

I worked hard at the good job, and was able to eventually afford to raise a family, and buy a home.

I did not like my job. But I was good at it.

Later on, when I was older, I was making more money. So, we got a better house. And again, I wanted to turn this beautiful home and property into something that was a celebration of nature.

I planted 10's of thousands of dollars worth of gorgeous trees. Thousands of bulbs. 200 different species of perennials. I had 5 different species of flowering Magnolia trees alone. A Koi pond. Beautiful paver walks and patios. I worked as hard as I could to make a nature preserve from my 1 acre lot. And to bring the outdoors in, in our gorgeous new home. I hung wind chimes. Bird feeders. It was heaven...or so I thought it would be.

It was all for nothing.

My heart knew to follow a path, but instead of doing so, I tried to compromise and create that path for myself. And I learned a terrible lesson.

I lost all of it. And in what seemed like a fraction of a second, it was all gone.

My love of nature and the outdoors, of wildlife and the birds, never waned.

What I should have done all along?

Was to follow all the signs I had when I was younger. And forsaken the good paying job. I should have followed my love and my passions.

I had the American dream. An attractive and sexy wife. 2 wonderful kids. A nice home, on a gorgeous lot. A great job with a Fortune 50 company.

And then. All at once.

It was gone.

And I learned.

The trappings of that life mean nothing. And they can be gone in an instant.

What I learned over the next few years, was that the most valuable things in this world are this.

The ones you love and those who love you.

And time.

Time to see. To hear. To feel. Time to learn. Time to slow down and take it all in.

Today I am working to see what path I need to take next. But it is finally understood.

I am not an IT guru who wants to work for some mega corporation.

I am a naturalist. An explorer. A photographer. An observer.

That is where I belong.

It took me over 35 years to realize.

The path I need to follow.

The rest of that world I leave behind was without meaning. It was simply a means toward an end in a world that has forgotten why we are here. And what it means to be part of the living world we share with those creatures that we deem less than we.

If we only knew.

I finally understand who I am, and why I am here.

My dad, the strongest man I ever knew.

Told me a few months ago.

"Son, if I had lived what you have gone through, I would be dead by now. I do not know how you do it"

This from a man who survived the Korean war, and years of dealing with a wife (my mom) who was a severe alcoholic.

My dad is in the hospital now, awaiting major cardiac surgery. '

He's tough. He's in good spirits.

But he is afraid.

Who wouldn't be?

Well, me for one.

I know now why everything that has happened in my life has come to pass.

It was to prepare me to be the rock.

To be the one person for whom NOTHING could lay him low. Nothing could cripple him.

I am so very hard. So very tough, that nothing on this Earth phases me any more.

Yet I still have a heart filled with love. A warm smile, and the best hugs on the planet.

God, in whatever form he exists, has granted me this strength, and this kind heart.

Thank you, God.

I am so blessed.

I have suffered so much. I have lost so much. I have hurt so badly.

But that was just for you to prepare me for who I needed to be.

A man with a kind and loving heart. Soft warm embraces. A keen mind and insight. Wisdom and knowledge.

So that I could be here to help others. Others who rely on me.

My dad.

My children.

My friends.

You knew that in order for me to become this person that I would have to endure terrible loss and heartache.

But that is only because you needed to cleanse me of all of the worldly desires, and aspirations. So that I could be someone better than what I was before.

For all my failings, all my faults.

And all the tribulations that I have endured.

Nothing.

Could kill my heart.

The Job Interview.

let me tell you a story. A story that seems very relevant now, as my dad sits in a hospital bed, awaiting major open heart surgery.

Back a couple years ago, after losing my job at the time, I had connections and a second interview lined up.

I was to meet with an old business associate now with Dell Computers, and his boss, at a restaurant in West Jersey.

It seemed like this would seal the deal. If I aced this, I was in.

The day before the interview.

My mother died.

I went to the interview. Tears in my eyes the entire time.

I aced it. I was awesome. Where I found the strength I have no idea.

I drove home. Tears streaming the whole way home.

I never got the job.

They froze hiring the next day, and then it was gone.

I pulled myself up and out, and managed to give my best, under the very worst of circumstances.

And I know now, that I was not meant to have that job.

I sit here tonight, after almost a year of being unemployed.

Suddenly, I have two contacts and leads for possible good jobs.

My dad needs a triple bypass and an oblation.

His surgery is any day now.

I worry about him.

I worry about me.

His future.

My future.

All hanging in the balance.

And under the worst of circumstances, I have to try to be at my best.

I have been tested. Over and over again.

And I am starting to wonder.

Is this the life I must lead? Must I do everything when things are at their worst?

I need to impress prospective employers of my competence and experience.

While my heart is in tatters, while my world falls apart. While the stress level reaches is maximum.

I am SO very tired of this struggle.

If something ever came easy to me, I would faint from the sheer shock of it.

Let me ask you.

Do you know what it feels like to lose all hope?

Do you know what it feels like to think that dying is preferable to living in hell?

Well, if you have no concept of what that feels like, just fucking ASK me.

I will tell you all about it.

Done

I have tried to keep my spirits up, and to persevere.

I can do wonderful things with a camera, but nobody gives a shit.

I have been told so many things.

Network. Make connections! Reach out. Apply for jobs. Surely, someone, somewhere will see your talent and your worth. Keep at it! Don't quit! Something great will happen!

No, it won't.

I have finally reached that point.

I quit. The words I thought would never cross my lips. I quit. I surrender. I give up.

Whatever the fuck is coming, will come. And I just don't care anymore.

Have I lost my heart?

My dad is in the hospital, awaiting major open heart surgery, and possibly other procedures.

And it does not phase me.

Yes, I love him. I care. But am I panicked? Nope. I am forlorn? Nope. Am I wringing my hands with worry. Nope.

Am I crying and worrying, losing sleep? Nope.

I just do whatever I need to.

Nothing phases me anymore. There is no crisis. No calamity. No situation so dire that I so much as skip a beat.

I just keep on doing what I have to. And it never seems to penetrate.

Have I become so fucking hard. So fucking cold. That I can NO longer feel?

There seems to be almost nothing that can touch my heart anymore.

Is this inner strength, or simply the inability to feel so deeply as to be moved emotionally beyond the superficial?

Is it that I have weathered so many horrific events and things out of my control, that I simply accept them as such?

My friends are all very concerned. They ask how I am doing. How am I holding up?

Answer: Fine. No different than any other day.

I can't help but feel as if that part of me is dead.

But if it is dead, it didn't die for lack of care.

It was murdered.

You don't see it...

But I am dying.

A little every day.

I hesitated in posting this, because it is, on the surface, so self serving.

But then again, this is my blog, isn't it?

I've spent many days wondering why the hell I even get up.

I have no signs of hope.

No job on the horizon. No money. No reserve. No future that is obvious to me.

No money, no means. No way to extricate myself from this hell.

My ex needs at least a couple grand a month from me in alimony to survive.

And I am obligated for life to her.

When my pension comes in 2.5 years, I give 45 percent to her.

I will not make it that long.

Yeah, I'm dying.

The body is still intact. I have no cancer. No heart disease.

But I am dying.

A little more.

Every day.

I don't know how long I can hold out.

I know that to go out with my cameras, and be among nature is the one bright spot in my life.

But the world doesn't care how much I love nature.

It doesn't care how wonderful my photographs are.

It only cares about one thing.

Money.

And how much of it I can give.

And I have nothing left to give.

The well is empty.

And each and every day, I wake up to this reality.

And I fucking hate it.

Everyone NEEDS something from me.

My ex wife.

My adult children.

My father.

News flash to you all.

Dues paid IN FULL.

This is my life.

And it's not looking good.

But, I will live it, in defiance of all of you who NEED me.

Because in that sucking vortex of NEED that you all live in, you forgot about someone.

Me.

You know, soon I will be gone.

And then, what will you say?

Will you then realize that you could have saved me?

Will you then come to the understanding? Something I already see so clearly?

Will you get it?

Will you lament your choices?

Will you finally.

Understand?

I hope so.

I have suffered enough.

This is my life, god fucking damn it.

And I am going to live with all I have, until I breathe my last.

And yes, it is selfish.

Because I have given all I intend to ever give.

Now, it's MY time.

So, suck it down. Deal with it.

There is nothing you can do to change that.

Because I am free.

And I earned my passage.

I don't live FOR you.

I live for me.

And I have done all I can, for YOU.

Now, you can either do for me.

Or watch me die.

And I am here, still waiting....

Today I pack up my photos, for show and sale, to attend a wonderful event at the Lighthouse Center (The Natural Resource Education Foundation of New Jersey) in Waretown, NJ.

I spent yesterday and early this morning, printing.

I also spent yesterday waiting for word on my father's condition. He is in Deborah hospital, with heart issues.

To say this life has been filled with strange and sudden twists and turns is such a gross understatement.

I hold on.

I hold on to the birds. To my photography. To my love of nature. And my dreams.

This world has become so strange to me that I cannot describe.

5 years ago, I lost my marriage. My wife. My intact family. My house. And everything else.

I have been wandering this world for the last years wondering just where the hell I am going.

And you know, I don't know. I truly don't.

My mother's ashes sit on the mantle in the home I now live in.

My father sits in a hospital bed.

My ex wife prepares for Christmas at her house, with our children, and her boyfriend.

I have not been able to fully wrap my head around all of this.

I used to be someone that thought that I could have power over my destiny and my future.

That to persevere, to work harder, to try harder, meant I stood a better chance at "success".

Whatever the hell that means.

Now, all I can do is surrender.

Whatever comes, will come.

And I have no power over it.

I'm holding on.

With a broken heart.

That's still beating.

The Mirror.

I get up every morning, unable to fool myself.

I used to dye my hair, and my mustache and beard. Until I became allergic to hair dye products.

So I let it go gray.

I used to be heavier, and I also used to work out all the time.

I lost weight, which is good for me. Down 45 lbs. But I also lost muscle tone and mass in the process.

I see these huge bags under my eyes. New wrinkles. Gray hair.

And I feel my age.

And I can see the miles.

The mirror does not lie.

I am trying hard to embrace this part of my life.

But what I mostly see?

That I am aging. That I am old.

My mind is sharp, and I can still get around with the cameras like a young man.

Climbing the jetty at Barnegat Light, getting up early and spending 13 or more hours in the field.

But it's clear.

This world is for the young. The beautiful.

Neither of which am I.

Walk With Me.

Let me show you.

Let me take you there.

Let me show you the miracles of nature.

Come along.

Bring with you something to record your visit.

A camera, perhaps.

Walk with me.

Feel the air, and smell it. Inhale the scents of the pines and the water and the earth.

Watch the circle of life, right there in front of you.

Walk with me.

Take the time.

Let me show you.

Come with me.

And lets see the majesty and the magnificence of god's creation.

We'll touch the plants and the earth.

We'll watch the denizens of the forest and the marsh go about their unspoiled lives.

We'll soak it all in.

And learn what it means to be alive.

Walk with me.

It's 1:08 PM, Wednesday, December 1, 2010

And the wind howls. The rain beats upon my window.

My camera batteries are charging.

Tomorrow, the forecast for Conowingo, MD is sunny.

There are Bald Eagles there.

Waiting for my lens to focus upon, and my camera to capture.

My heart will beat faster.

My eyes will be keen.

I will feel alive.

This is what I live for.

The possibilities. The beauty. The majesty.

Of nature.

To reveal herself to me.

May my sight be keen, and my reflexes quick.

There is no greater love for me.

This is what I was born to do.

The Box

It sits near the kitchen here, at my dad's house.

It has leaned against the wall since February, when I moved in here.

Before that, the box sat in my townhouse, in the closet.

The box.

Inside of it.

Lies a musical instrument.

A finely crafted set of huge and incredible wind chimes.

It was costly.

It is precious.

Each day I look at it.

Waiting to sing.

It wants to be free.

Like me.

It wants to sing in the wind.

It wants to be out among nature. Singing a song that the birds love.

Along with one human being, who aches to hear it's symphony.

I pray with them every day.

To be free.

To sing out.

At the cabin.

At the lake.

With the birds in attendance.

With the trees, the water and the wind, which gives it life and a voice.

As it does for me.

I live for that day.

Well, Eric, tell me, how does that make you feel?

Imaginary counselor, asks me the question.

So, let's answer it.

Okay, doctor. Here is how I feel....

Today I sit here...just got a call from the mechanic. In addition to the 4 new tires I need, the front transaxle seals are leaking...and you need an oil change.

Dad will be paying for the repairs, on his MasterCard.

Because I have no money.

And the guilt builds. I have no job, no income. I get unemployment insurance.

I live in dad's house. I am 52 years old.

I live here only because of the grace of God, and because my father allows me to do so.

In addition, I just got an email from the ex-wife. She wants her alimony on the 1st, because she needs money to attend some funeral, and to buy flowers and what not.

Of course, my father helps to pay for that, too.

Because 2400 dollars a month doesn't go far when 1800 has to go to the ex-wife.

Oh, and did I mention, the alimony?...it's FOR LIFE.

How do I feel?

Like an abject and complete failure.

Like a man in prison.

Like someone sentenced to a life in hell.

Someone who will have to do whatever he can.

Not to live and have a happy life....

But to repay some debt.

A debt owed for the rest of my life.

To my father.

To my ex wife.

I live to serve.

I live to provide for them, or to try to, at least.

And it is fucking killing me.

I am trying with all my might to see a way out. A way forward.

And it eludes me.

This life of mine, counselor...doctor.....is one of existence.

I steal every moment I can to see the birds. To take my cameras out and capture the wonder of nature.

And it rejuvenates me.

And then I come "home".

To a house that is not mine.

To a room, cluttered with the remnants of a life long gone.

Rooms downstairs filled with boxes...the contents of which represent the life I once had.

They sit there gathering dust.

And I persevere.

And I think to myself, every day and every night....

Why?

Why bother?

Why not just let it all end?

Doctor, I live a life where I see incredible beauty, and I love the time I have out in the wilds, capturing the essence of nature and life on this planet.

And then I come home.

To hell.

To Give Thanks...

This Thanksgiving I will wake up alone in an empty house.

My mother gone almost 2 years now.

My dad off with his new love, to see her children.

My ex wife and her boyfriend will celebrate at her home, with my children.

I have much I could lament.

I have much to yearn for.

But I will give thanks, instead.

Over a year ago, working a job that was pure hell, with an abusive boss and a hellish commute.

I was dying.

Literally.

I remember so vividly.

I was driving home from work in the Spring shortly after I started the job.

I said out loud, to myself, in the car.

"I am not going to make it".

I knew then and there, that I would not survive.

So, I started going every day after work to the refuge I had come to love.

I'd pack my cameras in the car, and head down for the last few hours of sunlight.

And I would do that whenever I could.

It was 92 miles from work to the refuge. I would make it in under 2 hours, and get there at 6 PM. Enough time to do maybe 2 hours of shooting in the last light of day.

And it saved my life.

In the course of the last 2 years, I could not predict what was to come.

It started out as the last refuge of a desperate man, trying to hold on.

What it turned out to be was a blessing beyond all I could imagine.

I made so many new friends.

I helped to bring all of us together, with regular meetups, gatherings and lunches.

What I found was that so many of us go there when our lives have been shattered.

It is the place for those of us whose souls are yearning to be free.

Free from pain.

Free from worry.

Free from the stresses of a life long lost, where we try with all we have to find the beauty. The joy. The freedom.

So, on this Thanksgiving.

Thank you.

Joe, Susan, Jack, Ann Marie, Kathleen, Glenn, Steve, James, Rockey, Dee, Larry, Ray, Shawn, Murray, Mark, Christine, Kathleen, Tom, Jim, Art, Bob, Leroy, "Penguin", Kurt, Barry, Ruth....and many others.

My new friends.

If I had led the life most thought I should, I would never have met you all. I would not have shared the good times together. Or been privileged to get to know you.

I had to lose it all to find what really mattered.

My love and thanks to you all.

I am blessed.

What I miss...

Most of all, in this life that I now lead.

The feeling of someone's arms around me.

To be held.

To be touched.

When someone gives me a hug now, it's like lightning ripping through my body. To feel the touch of another human being. After spending so very long without it.

I want to melt.

I spend so much time being hard, tough and resilient. To be held is something so powerful that I can't overcome the feelings.

You don't know how badly you miss that until you live without it for years.

I don't have what it takes.

To be employable anymore.

Been at this forever. I apply to good fit position. I have 30 years experience. Great resume. Tons of accomplishments.

When will I learn?

I am 52.

Far too old.

I have NO college degree. - That is the death knell.

I will not find a job. Not in the field I used to work in.

I need to accept that.

Time to regroup and retool.

There is no bright future waiting for me. No great job.

Guess I better think about stacking boxes at a supermarket or at Wal Mart.

That is all I have left.

Hope that some 25 year old kid doesn't beat me out for the stock boy slot.

On the day I die.

A bird of prey.

Will fly over me, and look into my eyes.

I will hold out my arm.

And he will fly down and land upon it.

He will look me in the eye.

And I will know.

That he knows me.

And that I understand him.

And that we are one.

And that is the day.

That I will pass.

I will live for that day.

When I can be that close.

When I can finally know.

Most nights...

I sit in a semi-drunken haze.

Drowning the sorrows, numbing the pain. Knowing full well what the next morning will feel like.

Having watched my mother follow this same path.

It's like being on a runaway train.

Mom, I finally understand. I love you, and I get it. I know what you felt. I know why.

Still, I get up and give my all. I take my cameras out and capture the impossible.

There is clarity in this life. This existence.

I know what I am.

I accept it.

You can reach a point where all the things you once thought were important fade away.

When you have married, had a life, raised your children.

When that is all gone.

When it's just you and the sunrise.

And I will see as many as I can.

While I breathe.

With no concern for how many are left for me.

Just that every day.

I will get up.

And look to the lightening sky to the east.

And consider the possibilities.

I will load the batteries into my cameras.

And sling them around my neck.

To see what nature has to show me today.

Even if it is my last.

I would not miss it.

Not for anything.

I love you, mom.

And I miss you. Every day.

But I want you to know.

I understand.

Tomorrow morning, before almost anyone is awake. I will get up. Load the cameras into the truck. Look up at the stars and the black sky.

My heart quickens.

Anticipation grows.

What will I see today?

What wonders?

Will I get the shots I dream of?

I will sit in Gull Pond at the refuge before the sun breaches the horizon.

The birds will stir and start to wake.

The sky will brighten.

And I will stand there. The cold wind blowing.

And watch the sun peak over the marsh.

The start of a new day.

And I will let it.

Take my breath away.

You know me.

You love me because you see my heart and my kindness.

You hate me because I speak my mind, unafraid.

You abandon me when I let you down.

You fear me because I am willing to risk all that most hold dear, to truly live.

You worry about me because you see my pain.

You thrill with me when I get an amazing photo.

You cry with me when I fall to my knees.

You see me. You know me.

Because I am you, holding up a mirror.

Showing you what you could be.

What you could lose.

How you can suffer.

How you can find incredible joy and beauty.

What it means to be human.

To the core of our existence.

What it means to feel the very worst.

And to hope for the very best.

To never quit.

To search for peace.

And to see that sunrise.

One more time.

People worry about me.

My dad, some of my friends. My ex. My brothers. My kids.

Okay, lets get something clear here.

Notice to all of you.

This is MY life.

Get that?

Clear on that one?

And nothing you can do. Nothing you can say.

Will change that.

See, I paid the price. I paid with all I have.

I gave all of my life. My work. My money. My efforts. For you.

And now.

It's MY time.

And I will live as I will.

And nothing. Nothing. Not you, not anyone will stop me.

That may mean this is a short trip.

But I will LIVE, for once in my life.

And anyone and everyone else who thinks I owe them something. Let me tell you.

Dues paid in full.

You are on your own.

As am I.

And nothing, in heaven or hell, will stop me.

Lifehouse - Broken

Just what the hell is life?

Here it is.

My kids...I am so proud. They endured hell in the house they grew up in. Fighting and arguing. Discord. A hellish divorce. Loss of all we had.

Yet they thrive.

My son is doing fabulously in his work, as a cosmetologist at a fine salon. And, as the coach of a High School color guard team.

My daughter is Dean's list at college, and Phi Theta Kappa. She kicks ass. She's growing up, and not taking any shit from anyone.

Me?

I am hanging on by a thread. I hold out. I hold on.

I take my cameras out and I capture the impossible.

People stand in awe of me.

I don't see it.

But they say it over and over again.

My shots are incredible. I get the moments they dream of. I can do it.

I guess they should be. I gave up everything I had to get out there and find them. To find the truth. To find god, in whatever form. To find what makes this amazing natural world tick. To feel the force of life in the creatures all around me.

But with all of that. I am still nowhere.

This life, and the pressure of it are grinding me into the ground.

Everything hurts. My neck, my back. I have herniated discs that press on the nerves in my body, sending me reeling in pain. All day. Every day. I take Advil. I take Aspirin. I numb the pain any way I can, while still be able to get out with the cameras.

I lost it all. My home, my marriage, my career, my life, all my fortune, and my dreams.

I am on a quest.

To reclaim my life and discover my future.

And there are so many forces there trying to beat me to death.

I may not make it to the promised land.

But I will say this.

I will stand. With tears in my eyes. With pain ripping through me.

And defy it all.

Feeling the pain.

Lately, I have been giving it my all.

Applying to job openings in IT. 25 more applications now in the last month alone. Any responses? Nope. Any interest? Nope.

I have had it. Totally.

I am 52 years old. I have more ability, intelligence, talent and capability than any 3 rookies they hire to do the job.

But that doesn't matter.

I have no degree. I am old. And I am totally and completely unwanted by corporate America.

Fed up.

Yep, I am feeling the pain.

I have so many obligations. Lifetime alimony. My own bills. No place to live that I can call my own. Time running out here, as my father needs to sell this house.

The pressure is overwhelming. The stress, over the top.

So, what do I do?

I talk to my mom. She passed almost 2 years ago now.

And what does she tell me?

She says "I believe in you. Follow your dreams".

I love you mom.

And I will. And I am.

Until I die.

When I can see you again.

My dreams..

Wind chimes that I have collected for years, now sitting in boxes, sing out in the forest.

My house is small but warm. A fire burns in the fireplace.

I look out the kitchen window to see what is happening at the pond this morning. Maybe some deer getting a drink, or just maybe, a Black Bear and cub.

The lake is just a short walk away. The sun is rising, and the fog is slowly burning off.

The bird feeders are alive with so many species. I could just sit here at the window and take photographs of all of them.

Chipmunks scurry around on the ground collecting fallen seeds.

The only sounds today are of the gentle wind rustling the leaves, the chimes, and the birds calling out in their morning exuberance.

And life is good.

I have fresh hot coffee to sip. A nice breakfast ready for the making. Maybe I will make an asparagus omelette this morning, with mushrooms and a nice cheese, and some whole grain toast, with Maple Cream.

And I will savor every moment.

In my dreams.

This is my life.

Yet to be.

And out of reach.

All Good Things...

...Come to an end.

A post to my son's Facebook page, as he lamented the end of the season of him coaching Color Guard...

And my first thought was...

"And really bad things seem to persist forever...."

Okay, I admit it.

I'm a badass.

I wasn't always.

Now I am the guy you can expect to challenge authority, speak my mind, do what I will, and accept the consequences. And never back down.

You can thank life experience for that one.

However, I still have a soft and loving heart.

They can't ever take that from me.

Right now, I fight every day to maintain the will to live, and to maintain the fight.

How I wish more would understand what this is like.

It's like hanging on to the edge of cliff and looking towards the sky hoping that you can grow a pair of wings and soar with the birds.

Balancing the effort.

I'm now spending 4-6 hours a day looking for work in my old field, or related fields. Have to find work that will allow me to live independently.

I am coordinating my photography efforts to work around the time I spend looking for work. So, if I have a nice forecast, I will spend a morning out in the field, but the afternoon on the job boards or searching out leads.

Wish me luck.

I need it.

My Life's Lessons

I've walked this planet for over 50 years now.

It feels at times like I have been here forever.

If feels at times like I just arrived.

What have I learned?

I've learned that joy is fleeting.

That love is temporary and conditional.

That friends are more precious than gold.

That some friends were never friends at all.

That a job is just a job. Unless it is doing what you love.

That a house is just a building. But it can be a sanctuary if you make it so.

That deserve has nothing to do with it.

That raising children is the most rewarding and hardest thing you can ever do. Because they are your blood. And what happens to them, happens to you. My dreams for them will never die.

That we are in most cases in this life powerless. The only power we have is what we will do, what we will feel, and the love and benevolence we share with those we care about.

The rest of the world, employers, businesses, governments, do not care if we live or die.

I've learned that you do not give your soul and your heart to a corporation. That your best work is not what you can do for some heartless and soulless company. Save that for what you love. Pour yourself into what you love, and you will be rewarded. Not in riches but in filling your heart.

I've learned that marriage is not about a partnership. It's about a legal document that turns your life over to the courts and lawyers when it ends. Don't ever marry. If you love someone, live with them and love them. But don't turn your life over to the fucking government.

For they are as corrupt and without a heart as anything that exists.

What I have learned of politics in America....

There is no discernible difference in party or in the candidates. A long time ago a group of brilliant and inspired people conceived of a government that was of, by and for the people. Where the rights we had were inviolate, sacrosanct, and inalienable.

Today, lawyers and corporate hacks and power hungry egotists all vie for your vote on the TV screen, and with millions of dollars paid to them from corporations and special interests.

How many of the representatives today are farmers, tradesmen, carpenters, fishermen, and people truly from the community? Answer, practically none. They are mostly lawyers and former corporate executives.

This country as our Founders envisioned is dead. The only rights remaining that we have and should never yield are the First and Second and Fourth amendments to the Constitution. The Second allows us to protect the others. Our Founders knew this. Once that is gone, we are mere subjects, like we were 230 years ago.

I've learned that it is possible to lose every time. You can try with all your might, but you can still lose. There is never a guarantee of success in this life.

But there is a guarantee of failure, if you quit.

I have learned that money and possessions mean nothing.

I had to learn that one the hard way, because I lost all that I ever had.

But what was gained from that immense loss was freedom. A gift I had never known before.

No longer can anyone hold a job or a house or a mortgage or anything over my head. If I want to tell the world to fuck off, I can. Because I am willing to pay the price. In fact, I am willing to pay a price higher than almost anyone I know.

That is the gift of pain and loss. When you have nothing left to lose, you are free.

I have seen far too much pain in this life and in this world.

But I have also seen the most amazing things. The most beautiful things. And I've opened myself and my soul to the world and the universe around me.

No longer encumbered by the stresses of a long commute and a hellish job, I walk the world with cameras and watch nature in all her glory. I may never make a dime or be barely able to survive in this materialistic world, but what I will have is beyond all the riches I could ever amass.

At almost 53 years old now, I have lived a lot.

I have married, owned a home, had a career, built a life.

And then lost all of it.

I've felt the stings of abuse and violence.

I've learned what betrayal is, on an immense scale.

I've learned that I can fail just as badly, when driven to my knees.

I've watched my mother die.

And I have cried enough tears to fill a river.

What have I learned?

That I am so very human.

And that to be human means to strip away the bonds and the shackles of a life that has been determined by others. To no longer allow the will, the force, and the power of other people to control it.

I stand as myself, against all forces of man, and against anything that will lay me low. And I am willing to give all I have to protect that right. No one will ever hold power over me again. And that means I have to be willing to lose my life, if necessary. And I am prepared to do that.

I am also prepared to travel the rest of this road alone.

There is peace and joy in nature and the world around me.

And that is my salvation.

It only took losing and giving up all I had and once dreamed of to find it.

The biggest lesson of this life.

Was to stop fighting.

And. Let. Go.

I choose to live.

Lately I have had many thoughts of throwing in the towel and giving up. My closest friends barely speak to me. I live a life of poverty, alone in an empty house. A house filled with filth and crowded with incredible amounts of shit. Including the boxes from my last move. All my clothes, belongings, collectibles. Sit in cardboard prisons waiting to be opened someday. The day that I have a home of my own again, if I ever do.

Rejected by people, by employers, I go out with a vengeance with my cameras and try to capture the amazing beauty and rawness of nature.

I have nobody to lay next to me and hold me. For years now. I have no companionship.

My mother now dead almost 2 years. I miss her every day.

My father in a great new relationship, lives with his girlfriend.

I have spent many days and nights listening to tunes, having a drink or two, and contemplating the rest of my life.

And I choose to live.

In defiance of all of the forces that try to lay me low.

The forces of nature that I try so hard to show in my photos have not only given me great moments to share, but they have filled me with the power of life.

And though my future is bleak in human terms, in the world of nature and of god, I am blessed. So I will not squander this chance.

I will persist even if I lose it all.

And I will never. Ever. Quit.

So, to those of you who think you can crush my spirit, or break my back. I have the force of all living things living inside of me. And while I cannot right all the wrongs I have done, I can go forward with their help, and seek salvation and redemption.

And I will never yield.

They've all moved on...

My closest friends.

Years ago, we were tight. We were close. We spent time speaking with one another, and interacting as a group.

All very, very close.

Today, 5 years later, we barely speak. Yes, we still care. But the truth is, everyone has moved on.

Everyone except me.

My dearest friends.

I barely hear from them anymore at all.

They have their lives. They have their future. And as time went on, they moved on.

And I sit here with the message board I created for all of us to talk on, in private. And we became very close.

We leaned on each other and talked about the most personal and important things that we could not share, sometimes even with family or spouses or significant others.

I now look at that board once a day.

And there is nobody left. If there is one post every month, it's a lot.

And half of the those friends never post there at all anymore.

Obsolescence.

All of my friends have moved on. Either with new significant others, or with their husbands or wives. And they're very busy.

And I spend another night in this empty house. The ghost of my mother the only company. My father no longer lives here. He is with his new love.

And what I hear, every evening?

The sound of the computers and a fan that I have next to my bed.

Guess it's time to take the dogs out for the last time this evening.

And then head to bed.

I feel old and obsolete.

And I like somehow the entire world has moved ahead, and I was left behind in the same exact place.

It's like "Groundhog Day".

This Christmas....

Will be the second without my mom.

And this time, it will also be without my dad.

Or my kids.

And I have been divorced now, 5 years. So there is no wife.

My dad has a new love. And he is so happy. And I am happy for him. He will be spending the holidays with her and her children. (and grandchildren).

And for the first time in my life, I will be where I truly belong.

At the refuge. With my cameras.

I will greet Christmas morning and sunrise with the birds.

I will finally be home for the holidays.

Awakening

There comes a point where you realize what your life has become. Where the dreams and illusions of what you once dreamed of fade, as they should, to expose the reality of who and what you are. And where you are.

When all the deeds of others and of your own converge to bring you to this point.

Having been the victim of horrendous and painful things, and having done wrong to others during my life.

The future now is blurred through the tears I cry for myself, and for those things lost. For those I have hurt. For the hurt I have endured.

This life is so intensely painful. So overwhelming hurtful.

I reach up and out and try to find the good. The peaceful. The noble. The best in me.

I cherish my friends. While I mourn the losses.

In this life, I have been told I was never good enough.

Good enough.

And what I have learned is that none of us are.

Not good enough.

Not what we could be.

Not what we might have been.

To look back now and see the mistakes. The misguided choices. The lack of understanding.

The failings.

Not just of others, but of ourselves.

Then we look to the future, because to gaze on the past serves only to keep us there.

But it is a wistful hope.

We look to the future, as if there is redemption, healing and forgiveness there.

And all too often what we find there is that it simply more of the same. That no matter what we do, we may never be good enough.

As I grow older, there is far less ahead than behind.

So, my perception of unlimited possibilities is constrained by the limits of my human existence.

I am 52 years old.

As I continue to age, the time left becomes smaller and smaller.

The opportunity to reclaim a life. To acquit myself. To find peace.

Diminishes every day.

I will wake tomorrow before the sun to go visit a good friend, and to share the wonder of the birds and of nature.

It is my refuge.

I may never find the answers. I may never know that life I once dreamed of.

But I will find peace, if only for moments in time.

For one thing that life has taught me.

Cherish the moment. For we may never pass this way again.

News in the world of Bird Photography.

Which is what this blog should be about, really.

This week, I'll be displaying about 20 of my best photos at Celina's Mulberry Market & Grill, Sunrise Plaza, 68 W. Jimmie Leeds Road, Galloway, NJ (08205).

http://www.celinascafes.com/

The photos will be there for at least 6 months, I am guessing. If they want to keep me around longer, I'd be happy to mix things up and put up some new photos from time to time. I'm happy to be a part of their place. It's a new-age sort of cafe with an incredibly diverse menu. Everything from Hummus and Veggie wraps and Chai Tea to Corned Beef Reubens to Steak dinners. The clientele is from nearby Stockton State College, the medical center that is close by, and all of the doctors and professional offices around that location. It is also only 4.5 miles due west of the refuge where I do most of my shooting, so much of my work will be very relevant to the people in the area.

I've just been invited by The Lighthouse Center (NREF-NJ) to have a table for display at their upcoming "Autumn Adventure" day there. I'm always thrilled to be there. I've displayed on "Waterfowling Day" there in the Spring for the last 2 years.

http://www.experiencebarnegatbay.org/

Autumn Adventure Event Details:

December 4, 2010
Autumn Adventure & Volunteer Recognition
Join the EBB Board of Directors for the Annual Open Meeting and covered dish.

This year another very special attraction -- Bob Birdsall presents "People of the Pines" presentation and book signing.

In addition to all of that activity, I will be having a show of my photography during January and February at the Barnegat NJ Branch of the Ocean County Library. This year, I am teaming up with Nancee Jo Luciani, a good friend and premier bird and decoy carver. She will be displaying her incredible birds and some of her other artwork at the library along with my photographs.

http://theoceancountylibrary.org/branches/BGT/bgt.htm

All of this takes a lot of photographs and frames to accomplish. It's quite the challenge when you're broke and unemployed. But I am finding a way. And I am excited to be a part of it all.

The Truth.

Here is the unvarnished truth about my years on SI. (Survivinginfidelity.com).

No holds barred. No punches pulled. This is what I did. And what I did not do.

I want to put this to rest for once and for all. And let the chips fall where they may. I have watched as the owners and mods of that site have gone on a smear campaign in order to rally support behind them, and to approve of my banning.

But more than that, they are so angry that they want to completely discredit me.

Here is the truth.

In 2005, shortly after joining the site, and during my ex-wife's second affair, I became involved with a member on the site. Not 2 months into my membership there. Angry, hurt, betrayed for a second time, I decided on having a revenge affair against my wife, and with this member. I own that. My decision. My plans, with this member. Yes, I did it. Not proud of it. But there you have it.

When I returned from the visit to this woman, which I did on a business trip to her hometown, I hated what I had done. I immediately ended things with her.

And she went nuts.

She stalked me and my kids, my friends and anyone she could find, for over 3.5 years. I received death threats. I had the police in 2 states involved, but nothing could be done without hard evidence.

She went after the owners of SI. She filed complaints with the IRS and Better Business Bureau because she had given donations to the site, and felt she had been duped. This woman was (and is) not all there. I had no idea.

I later found out through background investigations that she had been convicted in the past of criminal trespass and harassment. She also had stalked another SI member, driving 3 states away from where she lived to interrogate his neighbors, and to spy on his comings and goings from his own home.

When I was asked by the owners of SI about the nature of my relationship with this member, I lied. I did not confess the affair.

This is what they are SO angry about. They somehow feel that if I had told them it would have made some difference. As if I am responsible for the insane behavior of this person. I may have triggered it, but she was and is solely responsible for the resulting behavior. Whether or not I slept with her has no bearing on the responsibility for HER actions against others.

The owners of the site saw fit to ban me when I confessed this affair recently, on the boards.

And they had every right to. Not arguing that for a minute.

What followed however is reprehensible.

A member of that board recently posted that they missed me on the board. And that they didn't care if they got "in trouble" for saying so.

Well, trouble was an understatement.

The owner of the site took this opportunity to "explain" my banning and characterize me falsely and very harshly, in order to paint me in the very worst possible light. To insure that the loyal followers would now view me as someone who was completely disingenuous. And they did this by outright lies, and carefully chosen words that would paint me as an object of derision to be focused upon by the membership.

They claimed that they had to revamp an entire forum and change the rules of it, SOLELY because of my conduct. While I was one of many who in that forum who were scolded for being to racy, too much sexual innuendo (It was the "Dating" forum, for single and divorced people). There were many "offenders", and they roundly chastised virtually everyone in there with broad, sweeping statements about the people in it. I was nowhere near the sole reason. That is objectifying me as an object for people to focus on.

I was told in a Private Message from the site owners before my banning that "You violated practically every guideline on this site.."

The sniff test here doesn't wash. If I had been so egregious all those years ago, why didn't they just ban me then? It makes no sense at all. If I had been such trouble, then by all rights, they would have just shit-canned me then and there. Years ago, when they made those changes.

The other claim they made was that I exploited people and the site for my own validation, and used the term that I "bedded" 3 women from that site. It is very telling about the choice of words people use. They wanted maximum impact, and to tell a group of people there for healing from infidelity that I "bedded" 3 women is a carefully chosen way to insure to fire off triggers and anger in people faced with their wife or husband having "bedded" their affair partner. You take a group of people who are there healing from that, and use the catchword to inspire their wrath.

They could have said, "he had one affair which he confessed and then 2 long-term relationships" which is true. However, much stronger impact if you say what they did.

What followed from their official pronouncement was for members to extrapolate that to saying I preyed upon lonely betrayed spouses. That I was there for only my self-validation. For people to prey upon. I was then derided as a predator. They allowed anyone and everyone to have a say. And that is normally a good thing. But this was about a member who could no longer respond. So, the owners sat back and enjoyed the show. And when someone stuck their head in to question what they were doing, they were banned on the spot.

This is mob mentality, and an abuse of their power. There is no need to go to these lengths, unless you are looking for validation, support, and a bit of revenge.

The whole thing is ludicrous.

I had 2 relationships with members from that site.

Both long term. Both with CURRENT upstanding members of that site. I will not name them here, because if I do that publicly, they will almost certainly get banned. Even though the owners and mods KNOW of this, and have for YEARS.

One was with a woman who became friends with me in late 2005 and early 2006. That Summer, we started dating. Long distance. It lasted 8 months. She broke it off at the end of the year. We are still VERY good friends. My daughter and I had lunch with her not 2 months ago. I saw her less than two weeks ago. We shared a lunch, and hugs. And we talk fairly regularly.

The other person was and is a long-term member with a stellar reputation, who is widely regarded and respected on the site. She asked ME out in the Summer of 2007. This was also long distance. We dated for 15 months. I ended the relationship at that time. We are still friends, off the boards.

So, lets ask these 2 women. Did I prey on them? Did I "bed" them? I have a feeling their answer would be contrary to the owners and mods proclamations.

I have had no other involvement with members of that site.

In the interim, in the early Spring of 2007, I had a relationship that lasted a few months with a woman who lived in my townhouse complex. That is the extend of my involvement with women during the years on SI.

To reiterate. The mods and owners were aware of both relationships. They (the relationships) were kept off the boards for the most part, during the entire time. Neither participant in the relationship was banned.

To say I exploited people and preyed on them is the worst sort of slander. And the owners fueled the fire with their explanation, and then let the rest of the mob say whatever they wanted, true or not. Without me being able to say a single word in response. They are simply SO angry that I lied about the nature of the affair with the other member, that they are now on a campaign to not expose that (I already did that in my confession post), but to now try to rally support by painting me as the very worst possible human being.

It is revenge. Pure and simple. And being punch drunk with power. They couldn't stand it when someone said they missed seeing me on the boards.

They can say whatever they want. And I have no way of rebutting it. Or of even offering my side of the story.

No better way than to silence, and then to incite and encourage slander. And the loyal followers will thank them for the service they provide. Believe every word as if it were gospel, and worship them as if they are infallible.

Too bad.

They have maligned me in a way that was not necessary for their cause. Encouraged others by doing so to have at me with no ability to respond. There were two choices the mods and owners had when someone posted about me.

All they had to do was say that I was no longer a member for violating the rules, and then lock the thread. That ends the discussion, and allows things to fade away. For them as much as anyone.

But that wasn't good enough.

They needed a pound of flesh, and what better way than to incite the mob with false characterizations of a man who on the face appeared to be kind, caring and benevolent. Who helped countless people over the years there. Who was by no means perfect, but who was a good soul, and tried all he could to do the right thing, after doing wrong.

So, they created a campaign of discrediting and disinformation, and encouraged the mob to get in a few good shots.

And when someone, well respected on the site, called them on their behavior?

They not only mocked and ridiculed her. They BANNED her. Just like that.

Don't dare speak against the rulers. They will smite you.

And they did.

I know what I've done wrong in this life. And I've aired it all out, for public consumption.

But what they have done?

Is betray the trust of everyone on that board, in a way far worse than my affair in 2005 with a member of the site.

They lied by omission. They fabricated and falsely characterized . They did so to manipulate a membership who trusts them to have a safe place to post.

But it isn't safe, is it? Not when you can't trust the owners and moderators...

To tell the TRUTH.

"Spreading his vitriol all over the Internet..."

Okay, I spread my "vitriol". Here's the thread about me (Defiance) on Survivinginfidelity.com.

Make up your own mind about who spread vitriol.

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Off Topic Post Reply Print Topic

User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
mybrokenroad
Member
Member # 20340 Posted: 4:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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I MISS YOU DEFIANCE!!!!!
I miss your pictures of wonderful nature....they always brightened my day

I miss the raw emotional posts that only you could pen....you had a way with words that made it art to a point.

I miss the truths that you had...intrinsic truths that you shared...moments of clarity that you gained.

I know why you left....but i wish you would return if only to post the wonderful pictures!!!



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BH: 34
Me: 27
DDay: Oct 2008
DSS: 14
DS: 14m
R'ing...its going great. Will probably always have our triggers, but he is starting to trust again...what a wonderful gift i have been given!


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Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Indy
kdny
Administrator
Member # 760 Posted: 4:31 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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Well since you don't care then maybe you'd like to join him?


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Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.” Maya Angelou

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Posts: 73755 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 4:42 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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Defiance dated and bedded several women from the site. He's the sole reason we had to implement the No Dating guideline in the first place. Because of his inappropriate bahavior here, we actually had to rename and re-invent the Dating forum to NB.
We (MH and I)were personally harassed by one of the women he bedded. She contacted the BBB, the IRS, sent cards with hidden threats to our house (she found us through WhoIs and SI at that time was listed under our home address) and she harassed us so heavily with the IRS, the IRS ruled in our favor that it was a Harassment Campaign.

All the lies he's told on this site and all the drama he's put us through was more than anyone here should have to tolerate. And we didn't.

He made all sorts of promises to her the weekend that they got it on in a hotel. He used her. She got mad and went on the warpath to make him pay.

She felt we were responsible for the whole thing when she didn't get what she wanted from Defiance...that's why she started to come after us. For 3 years she was a steady thorn in our sides.

The banning was mainly for him posting about sleeping with yet another member from here...plus his lying to us.

You miss him...I'm sure you can find him out on the internet...still seeking validation from strangers.





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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!

"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~


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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795 Posted: 7:15 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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I can understand missing the things a lot of people enjoyed about him here on the site.
But when the mods ban someone, there is always a really good reason behind it. They do a great job of keeping this a safe site - I've had first hand knowledge of them helping with this sort of protection (fortunately, only once, and it was really minor!)

I never knew all the goings-on with Defiance until DS posted this just now... but honestly.... it really wasn't anyone else's business. The times I've seen warnings about site members hooking up with other site members and there being problems over that, I was kind of surprised, because I'd completely missed the threads where that was going on, I guess. Or I'm really, really oblivious. Or both.

Sometimes a whole lot goes on behind the scenes that not everyone sees.

And sometimes, no matter how much we get to like a "person" on here, we have to remember that the person we've gotten to know is still only the words they've chosen to share with us, the character they've chosen to portray on here. While I do think most people are real and honest on here, that may not always be true.

And if the mods have to respond to that, we need to respect that and not make their jobs harder.

----

And besides all that, the one thing I always say about any site like this.... we are only here because the site's owners let us be here. If they decide one day they don't like the fact that I type ... in a lot of my messages and tell me I'm gone, well.... it's not my board, it's theirs. And I wouldn't argue with them about it, or expect anyone else to argue with them about it for me either.

I have my own web site, and I can put whatever I want on it. If I want to be here, I respect the rules of this site.

I don't usually do the "defend the mods" thing - I figure you all are pretty good at taking care of that yourself. But on this one, I just didn't really see the need for you to have to explain a whole lot of stuff that was really no one else's business. I would think that people would understand by now that when something like this happens, there are good reasons behind it.

And that people aren't always whom they appear to be... after all, isn't that a large part of why we all ended up here in the first place?


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Posts: 1466 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
summerbaby
Member
Member # 28879 Posted: 7:34 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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Very well put osxgirl.


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And with a broken wing she still sings, she keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing she carries her dreams. Man you ought to see her fly!! - Martina Mcbride

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Posts: 1092 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Oklahoma
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375 Posted: 7:43 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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I had no idea! OMG!





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Time is a train, the future, the past, you're standing in the station, your face pressed up against the glass. "ZooStation" U2
DDay? DWeek is more like it!
02-16-09 to 02-20-09

We put the fun in dysfunctional


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Posts: 2025 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437 Posted: 9:27 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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I had no idea!
Me neither. I didn't even realize he'd been banned. I thought that after that last highly-charged thread he'd decided to leave. And I did wonder about it all...

To my chagrin, I, too, seem to be rather good at missing what's going on a lot of the time. (Even though I spend a LOT of my online time on this site!)

Thank you very much indeed for the explanation, DS. It sounds an extremely difficult situation, with much anguish for everyone involved. I am sorry.


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Posts: 1246 | Registered: Mar 2009
TryingToBreathe
Member
Member # 14935 Posted: 9:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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Count me as one of the clueless. I guess that's why my XSO was so successful at fooling me for so many years. I used to have a tendency to think the best of people and never *saw* things that were happening right under my nose.
DS, thanks for sharing this information. I'm sure this whole series of events must've been a nightmare for you and MH. It seems as though you were left with no other choice than the one you were forced to take.

IRS investigation? Now that's just downright nasty and scary! I'm glad things worked out in your favor. Whew!

It's sad things had to work out this way but sometimes folks are their own worst enemy.


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Posts: 1548 | Registered: Jun 2007
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 10:08 PM, October 22nd (Friday), 2010

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Wow, sounds like Defiance could make an eclair outta a turd....and you were waiting with a napkin to wipe your mouth after chowin' down on that load of bullshit....


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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R

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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 12:10 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Wow...
Someone posted something positive about D... and DS felt the need to use this public forum as a weapon to trash the man.

NO ONE had any right to that information DS. No one was owed an explanation. The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.

Even if everything you revealed was true... especially if everything you revealed about D was true... your decision to air it on this forum was a tremendous misuse of your power.

I know you're only human... and everyone fucks up. Please stay true to your intention to keep this site safe for everyone by not using it as a forum for your own agenda.


[This message edited by Danu at 11:26 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]



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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:27 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Omg.

ETA:

The only reason for putting it out there was to validate yourself.
Really???

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 11:38 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]



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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 12:33 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I am completely blown away at the amount of disrespect being shown on this thread for the very people that have come to our aide at a time when all of us have been at our lowest. Everyone has a right to free speech, but this is not a public owned message board. This board is owned and paid for by DS and MH. If you have a problem with a mod, it is disrespectful to them and to all of us that are here (either helping or hurting) to play it out on the boards.
Show some respect. For yourself and others. Geez.



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Breathe. Just breathe.

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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
runoverbytruck
Member
Member # 11752 Posted: 12:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I agree. It's her site...if it was bad enough for her to say it...imagine how bad it must be IRL.


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LTA BS
Your peace will come when you no longer hang your worth or wholeness in how well or how much you can hang onto something that may not be worth hanging onto.~uu
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Posts: 6291 | Registered: Aug 2006
metamorphisis
Moderator
Member # 12041 Posted: 12:42 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Hmm.. how to word this and not have to ban myself? What a pickle
Danu,
Why don't you tell us how you would have handled this situation? Clearly you've got it all figured out. So please, enlighten me..
The previous member in question is perfectly capable of spreading his vitrol all over the internet. And whatever version will suit him and the current audience I might add..
But how dare DS give even a smidgen of the truth of the matter.
Tell you what, next time you go to bat for someone, defend them, hire a lawyer to protect your website and deal with harassment for years, only to find out that it was all based on lies from the very member you tried to protect let me know how it feels.
I imagine it feels a little like a betrayal.
But how dare she use her own website to tell her side of the story.
Facebook is that way Danu.. I am sure you'll find some kindred souls with whom to share your tales of abuse.


[This message edited by metamorphisis at 11:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]



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ReconcilED :)
Married 06/08 :)
“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin



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Posts: 18900 | Registered: Sep 2006
strike3
Member
Member # 29593 Posted: 12:48 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Dear Mods,
Thank you for this site
Thank you for taking care of all of us
Thank you for all your work, courage and patience
I respect and value your decisions!




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The truth shall set you free! He refused to tell the truth - I set his ass free.
*****
I want to be in an honest and open relationship. If you cannot respect me or my needs then I will evaluate my desire to stay in this realtionship - Byron Katie


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Posts: 227 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: USA
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259 Posted: 12:57 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I for one appreciate DS & MH sharing the facts of what happened AND their "agenda" of protecting US, protecting themselves as they sadly were apparently forced to do, and thus being able to continue via this site, THIER site, to save SOOOOO many people, marriages, sanity and empower so many of us.
They deserve to be awarded.

[This message edited by SierraGrace at 11:59 PM, October 22nd (Friday)]



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BSO(me): 51! OMG!
♥ Fur-kids: 4 Cats, 1 dog ♥
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.— Joseph Campbell


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Posts: 756 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunny California!!
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129 Posted: 1:08 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Does it bother anyone else that it seems like Defiance was using the site the same way a predator does?
Finding a hurt person, making them feel good about themselves and taking advantage of them...

With all of the sharing of private thoughts and feelings, knowing that the mods and admins protect members from that type of behavior is a comfort.

They protected him and he used them badly. Now they are protecting other vulnerable people.

IMO: It is okay to miss a poster. It is not okay to bait the mods and admin by basically calling them out in a "public" display.




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Sam from Icarly,"Did you eat a big bowl of Crazy-flakes for breakfast?"
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light
D-Day Sept 2006


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Posts: 1000 | Registered: Jan 2010
WantOut
Member
Member # 13960 Posted: 2:40 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Yes, I was/am bothered by his predatory ways. But the good news is that I saw through him!
Do I miss his photos? Yes.

Do I miss his prose? Yes.

Do I miss his constant need for validation? HELL NO!

Shame on him for the turmoil HE caused. And this time, he can't blame his ex-wife!

I applaud the mods for taking a much needed step. I, also, see no reason why he shouldn't be "outed" here. It may prevent more heartache.


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Posts: 1361 | Registered: Mar 2007
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 3:09 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Geeze Danu...seems like you're taking his banning rather personal. Hmm....care to share more?


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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!


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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
trying to smile
Member
Member # 9683 Posted: 6:52 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I too miss his photos, I miss the man he portrayed himself to be.
In a way I feel betrayed again but on a lesser scale of course.

As a long term member of this amazing site I am often aware of undercurrents however am usually oblivious to what really goes on. I want to thank you DS for telling it like it is.

You protected and defended D when you thought he needed it just as you protect us all. You also protected us by calling him on his lies.

There have been times when you DS and MH have shared a little of the "behind the scenes" angst that happens on this site and I thank you for that too. The small window you sometimes open to show us a little of what you have to deal with helps to keep us all real about what goes on here.

This site is full of love, compassion and calling people on their shit. I for one hope that never changes.

tts



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Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.

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Posts: 5413 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: The Land Down Under
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3


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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921 Posted: 7:17 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I appreciate everything about this site. All the work the Admins, Mods, etc. do to keep this site running. If someone breaks the rules then consequences follow. Isn't that what we all speak of on a daily basis?
Love to all!




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WH - 43
BS (me) - 46
Son - 20
Son - 13
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA

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Posts: 2297 | Registered: Nov 2007
aesir
Member
Member # 17210 Posted: 7:23 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Especially miss his dinner photos, though it has been a while.
I was not yet aware that he was gone, and apparently not of his own accord. It is unfortunate that these things had to be said after he was gone, and would like to hear his side of it (Actually I would prefer to have heard none of it). This is an emotional site, even for those who have recovered. The post itself was innocent enough, though the title was provocative, and I have seen enough bannings that people will not leave alone until they hear a story behind it to know there was little choice.

There are many members who have left in my time here, some of their own accord because it did not suit them, some because they had moved on to where it no longer served their purposes, and some who were asked to leave for the disruptions they were causing. It is okay to miss someone, their many good qualities, think of them fondly, and wish them well when they are banned. Out of respect for their many good qualities,if people are asked to leave, please do not post asking that their dirty laundry be aired publicly. One day I may snap, and not be allowed to return, and I would hope that those who remember me remember the good, and let whatever wrongs I have commited be laid to rest.

Farewell D. May you find hapiness in your future that makes up for the pain you have suffered.



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That which does not kill us makes us stronger... or causes repetitive strain injury.
I gots special gold wings, but the link broke. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=303448&AP=21


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Posts: 3930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Canada
total idiot
Member
Member # 19380 Posted: 8:51 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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aesir that was a really good post. I'm not here often enough to know the details about all the members but I agree every person should b treated with some respect whether they are here or not.


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I hate this.

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Posts: 299 | Registered: May 2008
Danu
Member
Member # 16811 Posted: 8:53 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Here's the thing... I'm one of the clueless ones on this board. I'm not batting for anyone, not judging, not taking sides because I have no freakin' clue about either party's "truth"... nor do I care.
The mods make the rules. This is their domain and if we want to be a part of this community we have to follow those rules.
A member broke the rules.
The member got banned.
AS IT SHOULD BE!

The mods exercised their
power by enforcing their rules... that should be satisfying enough for them... but the fact that DS had to spill the vitriol all over this board... all over us clueless ones... the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.

Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.

Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.

I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.

The member who originally posted the thread should've been addressed and corrected in a PM... by dragging this all into the community, DS has done nothing but reinforced a presence that she was trying to banish.

It wouldn't matter who was involved, or what the details were. It would make no difference if this happened on a support board on the internet, in my workplace, or in my home... I'd speak out on the impropriety of it irregardless.

It's simply not right for someone in a position of power to use that power to meet their own agenda.

Yes, this is DS's website... and I'm as grateful for it as anyone... but it wouldn't exist without the community. When I see something that threatens the community, I should be able to say something about it, shouldn't I?

Or will I be silenced, banished, then publicly derided?

DS put this out for public consumption... if dissenting opinions are not allowed, then this site isn't what it potrays itself to be.



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"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

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Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886 Posted: 9:14 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I, too, was a bit shocked to find that D had been banned BUT as for the "attacks" on DS...
From the details she gave, it's understandable why it happened and if she seemed to come across as a little vitriolic in the presentation of those facts, I think that is also understandable. Her and MHs life's work came under attack by someone who had been used by a former member. Kind of hard NOT to be a little vitriolic and defensive.

I think we all can agree that what she and MH have done and are doing is commendable and selfless and has helped literally thousands of people work through this mess we all found ourselves in regardless of what side we came from.

And it hurts to have that work used for selfish reasons as D seems to have done. That hurt, I believe, came through in the presentation of the facts by DS. She's angry at this betrayal just as any BS would be at the discovery. And remember, it wasn't just the site that came under attack, it was the two of them personally. The Admin and mods deal with crap on a daily basis and the results of Defiance's actions probably pushed DS just a smidge too far and she broke... just a little. But in no way should that negate any or all of what she and the mods have done over the years.

Just my two cents.



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BS (Cee64D) 45
WS (Me) 45
Don't look at how far you have to go, look at how far you've come.


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Posts: 2139 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Not where I was
tiredandsad
Member
Member # 9180 Posted: 10:19 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I don't see why DS is prevented from expressing her experience with a member. I lurk a lot and still missed most of the backstory. I'm actually glad to know that there are opportunists and to be wary -- yet another example of "be careful of believing what you see".


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Posts: 572 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Mass
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475 Posted: 10:59 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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DS,
Thank you for sharing the backstory. It explains a lot. I've been here since 2006 and, for a short while, was sucked into the Definace Drama. I wanted to help him but I quickly saw through his rants and his wallowings. There was no helping him.
I watched with increasing horror as he would go just to the edge of flaming, and then post a gushing apology ... just enough to keep him around ... just this side of banning. Imagine DS's position in all of this. Imagine her having to post - again and again - warnings about the consequences ... the personal consequences to her and MH ... about members hooking up ... all the while with him around posting about his failed love life.

Danu, has it occured to you that DS's posting the truth may serve the purpose of further protecting her members. We need to be aware of this kind of behavior. If she saves one hurting, vulnerable member from seeking out and comforting, and possibly being hurt by a banned member, then I'd say she is performing a service that is above and beyond the original mission of this site.

Be glad and be grateful.

DS and MH are among the bravest people I've ever encountered.

Wolf




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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


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Posts: 6424 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344 Posted: 11:35 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Could not agree more, Wolf.
Many of us were sick of the attention-seeking antics and were aware of his behavior and hypocrisy.

Frankly, I think DS did a good thing by posting the real story. The fact that this type of behavior exists on this site and is dealt with by the mods on a daily basis, is something we all should open our eyes to.


[This message edited by Hope24 at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]



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In the depths of winter, I discovered in me an invincible summer.
~Camus

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Posts: 4845 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Western New York
travels
Member
Member # 20334 Posted: 11:43 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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DS and the mods keep us out of the drama, for the most part.
We aren't aware of all that goes on behind the scenes. I can only assume way more goes on than any of us are aware.
I suspect there is plenty more going on now about this situation in the form of PMs to mods and etc that we aren't aware of.
I think DS needed to set the record straight.

It's not like DS to talk about a member this way. If she felt the need to do it this time, well there is probably way more going on than any of us are aware of.

Thanks for this site MH and DS. I'm sure it often brings you insight, laughs, tears, and head shaking.

I'm sure there are other times that it makes you angry, sad, and . I can only hope the good outweighs the bad.

[This message edited by travels at 10:47 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)]



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When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

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Posts: 2550 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622 Posted: 11:50 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I hate drama. I hate conflict. But I have an opinion and will try to respectfully express it. Respectful discussion of dissenting opinions is an opportunity for growth. Being challenged without being attacked is how we evolve. Growth occurs if we self examine our opinions with an open mind which doesn't happen when attacked because being defensive only solidifies a position.
I am not defending anyone, as I am convinced that it is not necessary. The mods have proven time and again they are fully capable of defending themselves and others. I have never seen an act of attack or disrespect by the mods. I think the explanation given by DS was factual and to the point. There was no attack. It doesn't even read as a defense of actions taken. Just the facts ma'am.

Given my history, information is always welcome. I hate lies and omissions and I welcome having the light shined on behaviors that could negatively impact me or people I care about. I can deal with a painful truth and make the best decision for myself based on truth, not fantasy or idealism.

I cannot imagine running a site like this, full of hurting betrayed people who have NEED all over the place. The psychological drain alone, not to mention the time. I imagine the creation of this site and the continued management of it to be akin to raising and caring for a child. But I don't see Mama Bear behavior in defense of this site or the decisions made by mods. Just facts.

How many cheaters call having their truth shared an "attack?" (for sure mine does.) It is not an attack or vitriolic to share truth. Truth is not always kind or pretty. But there is no harm in truth. The action behind an ugly truth is the attack. I am reminded of the knee jerk reaction of blaming the messenger. How many of us don't share ugly truths because we don't want the fallout from being the bearer of bad news? I do not thank anyone who knew secrets and didn't tell me. I don't feel "protected" by those people. I feel betrayed by them. I don't need to know everything that happens behind the scenes. But every time I stumble across a topic that shows the work of the mods and the sacrifice at great personal cost, I am grateful for the opportunity to post here.

I don't like feeling betrayed. I don't like predatory behavior. I don't like anyone who takes and takes and takes advantage. I don't like excuses for bad behavior or justification for bad behavior. I know that this is based on my personal experiences. I am comfortable with that about myself. I welcome truth. I applaud the courage to share truth. I applaud and appreciate everyone who is willing to speak up, knowing that standing up is standing out.






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cg/BS- me 40
WH (SA)- 39 Stretch and Skew
DS 9 DS 6
11/09 online account found,downplayed
12/09 online again
5/5/10 email confession to PA's
5/20/10 Separated and he still lies

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Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2010
unfound
Member
Member # 12802 Posted: 12:06 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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ds told the truth about the situation. she didn't have to share that with any of us, but did, and I for one and grateful.
count me as among the "clueless" in this situation. but like anything (can't we all relate to this in some way??), once you know the truth, you can look back and see with a new, clearer, perspective and things start to make sense.

considering that for 3 years ds, mh and mods have been dealing with this off the boards, AND that they were sticking up for him, then to find out that they were defending him based on lies? again, can't we all relate to this in our own way?? hell, banning seems a small consequence.

then add on top the legal dealings??

ds didn't have to tell anyone about this. and to see it as some type of validation seeking is absurd. this whole thing was a potential threat to them personally and this site. in telling the truth to the people here maybe it will open some eyes and make people realize what ds and mh deal with on a daily basis....and still try to nurture and protect us and this site, even when some, through their own agenda, give them no reason to do so.

we talk about consequences here a lot. also about telling the truth. here is an example of both.

I for one don't particularly need to know what goes on behind the scenes here. it's enough to know that they deal with crap all the time, details are not important to me. but when someone has put this site in jeopardy, I'm glad that they have the cajones to call them on it...privately or on the boards. cause this is just as much MY site as it is anyones here. I'll protect it and defend it as much as I'm able. I can only imagine the protectiveness ds and mh must feel.

plus, if anyone doesn't like it, or how things are dealt with....I don't believe there's some magical force that automatically takes your computer to the sign in page...

jm2cents.




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ka-mai
*******************

cast in this unlikely role
ill equipped to act
with insufficient tact
one must put up barriers
to keep ones self intact


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Posts: 10429 | Registered: Nov 2006
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735 Posted: 12:20 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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To DS, MH, the Mods, and all those who come here offering support, honesty and love...
Thank You



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Time will tell

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Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2009
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150 Posted: 12:24 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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What Wolf said.
And if anyone wants to look at his pictures you can go to his website.



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DDay: June 15, 2008
Married 22 years
20 years of OWs. WTF?? (!)
D pending. Starting over at 56.
Everyone please read: 'THE POWER OF NOW'!
"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." ~ Voltaire
Don't look back.

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Posts: 10085 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305 Posted: 1:34 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Please, put down your dukes. There is no reason to fight.
First, I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D. Its her opinion. Its how she felt. The following comment was a little harsh.

Second, though the reason he was banned may not be our business its probably best we know. Why? So we a)will not follow in those footsteps b) realise how lucky we are that DS and MH stood the storm to keep this site up for all of us who desperately need this place.

I had no clue what had gone on. I didnt know D was banned until I just happen to hear about it. But you know what? That "troll" thing now makes sense. NOW I know who it is.

Something else...the situation with D and the other woman (formerly a member) strikes me strongly of a ws and bunny boiler situation. It also put other people in jeapardy (DS MH and us, too).

This situation is what it is and whatever your stance, it must be respected. Its also time to move on and not fight over it.



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Me: 43
dd: 4
ds: 2-1/2
Last DDay June 1st 2010

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Posts: 3685 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NJ
UR_AN_IDIOT
Member
Member # 18764 Posted: 1:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I think mybrokenroad has a right to say she misses D.
Maybe. I guess. But why stir the shit pot? There was enough drama in his exit thread. Why not PM a Mod to ask about it? Why bring it out in open forum and get everyone all riled up? What purpose would that serve? It won't bring back the things you miss if you are missing things.

And why say something stupid like:


I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
That is just disrespectful. Apparently she didn't care so no need for sympathy. I don't care means I don't care.

You are right sully. There is no need to fight over this because it isn't worth the time when there are hurting newbies pouring into JFO.

I for one don't want to waste anymore time on the ongoing drama of a banned member. I thought we were done with that.



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Me:BW 44
FWH 46
Married 22 years
DD 19 DS 17
Reconciling
Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
~Matt Maher~





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Posts: 4359 | Registered: Mar 2008
cass
Member
Member # 24261 Posted: 2:50 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Well said sully.
mybrokenroad stated that she missed a member who has been banned. Fair enough but why didn't she simply state that? Why did she have to say she didn't care if she got into trouble for making her statement? I think that was unnecessary and the reason kdny came back with a harsh comment. The comment was made from a protective (and knowledgeable) stance - harsh possibly but completely justified and understandable in the circumstances.

I don't understand why mybrokenroad states that she knew the reason for his leaving (the ban) but nonetheless wishes he would return simply to post pics?? This is not a bird appreciation society, it is a site for the support of extremely vulnerable and deeply hurting people.

Those who misuse or abuse the site have no place here. End of story.

I think DS was totally justified in making the members aware of the circumstances of the ban (because she decided it was best to, following the first post). That way no-one will question the decision (and no-one should). These mods know what they are doing and why. They have proved that time and time again.

Danu, I think DS made her comments because she WAS threatened and she DOES have a personal stake in this. We were ALL threatened by Defiance's actions and the consequences and ALL have a personal stake in this. Why call her out for publicly stating the truth when it was required? Her comments were neither vicious nor violent IMHO. This was not a reaction. I think it was a well thought through and much needed response. It sets the record straight.

I think the member who started the thread had a right to state her feelings but NOT that she didn't care if she got into trouble. It was that comment that started the ball rolling and has given it arms and legs!!!

I think kdny's response was harsh but justified in the circumstances.

I admire DS for making the truth available to us.

I appreciate SI and the GENUINE people who use and maintain this resource.

I hope Defiance finds peace and happiness somewhere but elsewhere.



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Me - 52 and doing fine.
Him - nonentity, hitting 60 and still in lalaland. Together 10 years.
Just remember this my friend, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars but still not see the light. Eagles


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Posts: 3273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440 Posted: 2:57 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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UR_A_I
WORD!!!



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Breathe. Just breathe.

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Posts: 5266 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Fort Knox
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 3:01 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.
and you have that right??



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HAPPILY RECONCILED!

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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
augustseptember
New Member
Member # 29904 Posted: 3:23 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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My post was very cynical and I apologize if it was taken the wrong way. I meant that that mybrokenroad was being very deceptive in their post. You should never encourage the acts of a person who uses people or a site for their own needs. A person who has damaged others, whether its the moderators or members should never be seen in a positive light.


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Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38 EA with ONS
D15 S14 S12
M16 DD9-7-10
Trying to R

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Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NC
hurting2much
Member
Member # 25643 Posted: 3:27 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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For what it is worth...THANK YOU to everyone responsible for the development of this site and the Mods for monitoring this site to make sure rules are followed--that is not an easy job. I'm sure you have to deal with much more "stuff" than I will ever know. But do know this...your hard work is truly appreciated.
Keep up the excellent site!!



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BW (me 46)
WH (52)
Married 23 yrs
2 kids (19, 16)
DDay Jan 09
NC broke Aug 09
R ongoing

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Posts: 554 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3


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User Topic: I may get in trouble for this but i dont care!
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179 Posted: 3:46 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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First, thanks DS & MH for keeping the site and your motivation going. I'm sure there's been plenty of behind the scenes drama played out over the years. With so many members, how could there not? Didn't know there was THAT much drama though....sheesh!
I for one am glad to hear what became of D....as I would be to hear what happened to any member who I've "seen" fairly regularly over these years. You can't help but wonder what the heck became of someone...did they die? Are they in a severe depression? Are they really sick? etc. A "so-and-so will no longer be on SI" would meet my need for a complete Gestalt. Particularly if one isn't eat-sleep-and-breathing SI 24/7, you wonder if you missed the thread where ( ).

I'm saddened when people make bad choices. No one's 100% good nor 100% bad, for the most part; I think it's natural to miss the good when someone's gone, particularly if they concealed their bad well.







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Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back. --Neil Young
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
--Ernest Hemingway


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Posts: 1963 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303 Posted: 4:30 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Wow. Just wow.
I find it extremely creepy that a member supposedly trying to heal would use this site to prey on women. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though, but I am.

The threads of his I read were wrought with emotion and oh-so engaging. I never saw through it until the end. Again, c-r-e-e-p-y.

I come here to be safe. I count on the mods to help with that. This is an anonymous site, so comments made by the mods that explain "Defiance-Gate" are perfectly within the realm of legality and morality. I find it comforting to know the reasons, as it makes me feel safer.




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Me-38 WW Him-41 BH
M 9 years (together 14). In R.
DDay#1 11/2008 (PA/EA 9/08-11/08)
DDay#2 8/2009 (revealed 1 month PA from fall 2001)
"I will wait for you...as long as I need to.If you ever get back to Hackensack,I'll be there for you!"

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Posts: 584 | Registered: Jan 2010
imokay
Member
Member # 3522 Posted: 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I too appreciate DS and MH and all the mods who deal with drama day in and day out to protect this site.
As far as DS needing validation..... ......Oh. My. God.

I've been here a LOT of years and for many years a member might be banned and no-one ever knew. Or if they did know they'd been banned, they didn't know why.

If I remember correctly, a while back when another very active member was banned, DS and MH decided that it was time to start posting the antics of these people and the truth behind their being banned. I applaud that decision. Those people can go elsewhere on the web and spill their filth and lies about this place.

It is only right that DS and MH use THEIR site to state the truth. It is only right that DS and MH inforce guidelines to keep THEIR site a safe place for so many hurting souls.

And then to accuse them of misusing their power!?! How absolutely ludicrous!

[This message edited by imokay at 4:19 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]



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DD: 2/10/02
Me: BS - 48
Him: WS - 50

Fully reconciled.
I ♥ my Husband!!!

When life hands you lemons - break out the tequila and salt!



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Posts: 13336 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Too many time zones away
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 5:53 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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imokay 'like'


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HAPPILY RECONCILED!

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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027 Posted: 6:02 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Danu and others,
Has it been considered that DS's post is a REACTION to continued attacks on her and this site??
I've been here a LONG time and I can tell you that it takes A LOT to get banned. And a person (fraud) (troll) (creep) or whatever is given warnings and usually second chances.

But we are on the INTERNET. We simply don't know what's sitting on the other end of the screen. We'd like to think that the "person" we are talking to has the best of intentions, but that simply is not always true.

The people here (for the most part) are raw with pain and are prime targets for predators. (I'm not speaking specifically about D) But a predator type person who is seeking sympathy and self validation could easily suck in a weak and hurting, insecure BS.

The LAST thinkg we need here is anyone like that. We've all had enough lies and betrayals in our lives

I cannot imagine trying to weed through the almost 30,000 some odd members here to make sure we are all as safe as one can reasonably be ON THE INTERNET.

But if this site and DS and MH are attacked like they have been on and OFF this site, I believe they have the RIGHT to defend themselves, THEIR site and at least tell their side of things.

JMHO



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It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless bum.
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 HAPPY!


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Posts: 6128 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Nebraska
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410 Posted: 6:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I guess I belong in the "clueless" club too. Wow!
It's good to know though, and I thank DS for sharing. I saw the thread a while back about dating, and I had wondered what was up but didn't dare ask.

Like sully said, having the information now is a good reminder that some of us can fall victim to predators at a time when we are most vulnerable- even here in a place of healing.

THANK YOU TO DS & MH for making this site possible. Your hard work in keeping this place available played a huge role in saving my M, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that.

(((many, many hugs)))

I'm sad to know that someone took advantage of your kindness and good intentions.


ETA: LIKE sadtoo's comment!!!

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 5:16 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]



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Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37 (yaja)
D-Day: 3-22-10
Married: 12 years
DS: 9 years old with Asperger Syndrome
Status: Working hard to R

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Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575 Posted: 8:07 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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Wow... Hmmm... Back to our regularly scheduled programming...


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Me/B 53
Him/W 60 Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.



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Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224 Posted: 8:08 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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I was relieved to find out WTH was going on with the whole Defiance thing and his getting banned.
Finding out that someone we all "knew" here on SI was actually preying on BSs who were struggling with crushed self-esteem and pain from their spouse's A was a real eye-opener for me.

I think it serves as a cautionary tale - specifically for all of us to be careful not to be "played" by potential predators, even here on SI.

And THANKS to the mods for taking care of this situation. And finding out how badly they were harrassed off-site was absolutely shocking.

I was clueless, but I'd far rather know than not know.

[This message edited by Crossbow at 7:31 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)]



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BH 46 (me)
FWW 34 (her)
beautiful boys 4 & 3
D-Day #1 7/4/07 (first found out about EA with OM)
D-Day #2 7/15/07 (found out about daily cybersex with OM)
D-Day #3 7/25/07 (found out about OW)

Reconciling



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Posts: 5248 | Registered: Jul 2007
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531 Posted: 8:22 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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DS, MH and Mods... Thank you again for protecting us.



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Me: BSO - 42
Him: FWSO - 65
One Child (mine):DS - 9
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - I think so?
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

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Posts: 6547 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239 Posted: 8:25 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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To those who think DS went too far, you obviously missed the posts that got Defiance in trouble. DS didNOT air anything that was not posted in the thread that got him banned. You should be very careful before calling out someone. Know the facts; don't just react.


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"Don't say, 'you're too good for me' ... .I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life."
Me: BW 56
Him: STBXWH 56
Married 32 years/together 38 years
D-day: June 11, 2007


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Posts: 4479 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Desert Southwest
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195 Posted: 8:28 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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To the Mods:
Thank you for making this place safe for everyone. SI has been a lifeline and lifesaver for me in my darkest times...



You did the right thing by getting rid of someone who was a user and abuser on this site--seriously, when I read this about him, it reminded me of my STBXH and how he would "charm" and worm his way into OW's beds.....just yuck.



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BS (me):44
STBXH:51
married 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
The REAL D-day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, OW--apparently I was in an "open marriage"....I just never got the memo...

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Posts: 740 | Registered: Dec 2008
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2 Posted: 8:42 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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the fact that she did this after someone posted about a positive aspect of the banned member DOES speak of her need for validation.
Why? I have no clue, but NO ONE reacts so violently and visciously unless they feel very threatened and have a personal stake in the matter.

Clearly D holds a lot of power in her mind, since the very mention of something positive about him provoked a full scale public annhilation of him.

I'm calling out DS on some really bad behavior that has a negative impact on this board. Period.

Danu...

even tho you've been banned for being a complete bitch...I'll address some of your post since you're reading here.

There was nothing 'violently' or 'visciously' in posting what I did about Defiance. I stated fact...nothing more.

You're calling *me* out on my behavior? How about looking at the person (Defiance) that CAUSED this situation?

Interesting how you choose to ignore the chaos, drama and lies Defiance brought here for the last 5 years.

What you think of me makes no difference in my life. It has zero effect on me. So your claim of me having an 'agenda' is laughable.

We are upper-middle class, small business owners that have nothing to gain by running SI, except a personal statisfaction to watch people heal and become whole again. So your claim about validation is baseless, just like everything else you posted.

And one last thing...I don't own SI...its an NPO with appointment board members. And the Moderators here act in unity...we all make decisions together. I'm not some big giant intimidating force that everyone cows to. I'm a human being that is doing her best to help keep SI safe.

And thank you very much to those here that have our backs...we Mods appreciate it



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MangledHeart the good guy.
D-day: April 5th, 2000
Reconciliation going beautifully!

"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~


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Posts: 126457 | Registered: May 2002
unbreak_my_heart
Member
Member # 12145 Posted: 9:00 PM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010

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((((( Deeply Scared, kdny MangledHeart
drowninginsorrow, Fallen, metamorphisis, NewAttitude, Trying2Deal SI Staff)))))
THANK YOU!!!!!



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HAPPILY RECONCILED!

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Posts: 1622 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Our happy place
Topic Posts: 53 Pages: 1 · 2 · 3


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